Hope4Bella

After reading thru some posts & feeling confident about sharing my replies.. I sit back a realize I am STILL not well & probably shouldn't be giving any advice... the reason I came back to this site was simply because I felt so low that I knew I had to do something...

I had actually went back to a stage in my co-dependency where I was stuck between denial & repressing all my feelings... I guess I thought if I pretended nothing is wrong then it will all go away... yet my urge to cry EVERY DAY & hide my emotions is still stopping me from living my life... & I am still taking it out on everyone I know.. does it EVER get easier???? I have tried my BEST to wait & have HOPE & have STOPPED enabling my daughter but it has now been a little over a year and I am dying!! I see posts of HOPE for 5 to 10 years of this... I do not feel I can do this and recover myself for that long!!

I admit I am in denial, I am now a comfort EATER, SHOPPER & maybe even DRINKER... I HATE living with this feeling of hopelessness for my baby girl that had such a future...I HATE the judgment I feel is placed on her and ME as if I could have changed this... and I HATE how insecure and miserable I have become for my family, friends & co-workers... I don't want sympathy or to be judged ..I simply want my life back and I cannot seem to do it without my baby being well... Like all the addicts. I suppose I want a quick FIX and although I know it cannot happen I must say... to finally let it all out on here knowing it doesn't matter what my story is nor will I be judged or maybe not even get any advice... but I am venting for the 1st time in over 6 months soooo... it's a start again I suppose...

Katiekate

We are here , and we care.

nothopeful1

I'm with you and sending you hugs. I'm reading everyday and while most people say its not right, I am operating under FAKE IT Till you make it. I make myself get up and do something productive. I stop myself from reacting. If that means I hold in my feelings until I'm comfortable dealing with them, I'm ok with that. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Hope4Bella

so you are saying it's ok to fake like nothing is wrong? Because I feel like sometimes I am supposed to be emotional and yet I fear everyone will stop wanting to be around me... I am so used to being the bubbly drama free fun gal... Mother's day brought me back to a place I reside today... exploding with sadness and the uncontrolable crying that no one sees has made its way today... maybe if I get it all out tonight I will be ok again for awhile?

lizwig

Hi Hope for Bella...I am also the mother of an addict. Meth is my son's drug of choice. I lived by the "fake it til you make it" anthem for about 5 years. I did everything I could to support my son, encouraging him the best I could, trying to force my will upon him. None of it made a bit of difference. I finally asked him if he wanted help getting clean...he said "No". I absolutely hit my bottom and forced myself to reach out. My beautiful, smart, funny, creative, athletic, handsome son chose his drug over the life he could have (aka the life I envisioned for him). I went "very little contact" with him. For the past 7 months I've kept a consistent message of "I will support your recovery but not your addiction". I disconnected his phone and stopped doing anything he was capable of doing for himself (basically everything). I then forced myself to attend al-anon, because regardless of his outcome I was simply unwilling to let his addiction steal two souls. I read absolutely everything I could find. Two books I would highly recommend are "Codependent No More" and "The Language of Letting Go", both my Melody Beattie. I also began writing a gratitude journal. Each day I write 5 things I'm grateful for. I even write things such as "I am grateful I am not responsible for my son's choices". Once we let go of the shame and guilt I believe true healing can begin. One of my favorite slogans that got me through countless sleepless nights is: "you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it". Obviously if we could, many of us wouldn't need to be here. I think one of the best gifts I gave myself was using al-anon for my face to face meetings and reserving my friendships for the fun they are meant to be. As supportive as our friends want to be most have no concept of our journey. Allow yourself to do fun things with your friends, and don't feel guilty for it. Consider telling your friends at work that you want to take a "mental vacation" from the topic for a bit...it will be waiting for you when you leave work. Once you start detaching with love you will begin, albeit slowly, to feel like yourself again. I cannot believe the difference in how I feel these days. Maybe I'm too stubborn to let something get the best of me....I don't know. But I do know this. My feeling powerless and beat down wasn't helping my son. I am determined that when he is ready for help I will be the healthiest I can possibly be and fully aware of where my responsibilities end and his begin. Big hug to you...I'm sorry you are going through this....many of us can totally relate. Chin up....you can do this. Oh...and I'm also really careful about "I am" statements. As in "I am tired, I am frustrated, I am angry, I am worthless"....because I believe those type of statements invite more of whatever it is you are saying you are. Does that make sense? If you replace them with "I am capable, I am strong, I am woman hear me roar (just kidding)"...I trust you catch my drift. Again, feeling for you tonight....

LoveMeNow

Great post Lizwig. Thank you!!