Weird question

Old 05-14-2013, 02:16 PM
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Weird question

Hey everyone,
I have a question that's been on my mind all day today. I don't know why I feel it necessary to have an answer to this but maybe it will give me peace of mind. Do addicts prefer dating other addicts?
My XABF is now dating another A who's DOC like my x is cocaine, weed and alcohol.
They binge for days together on the weekends. I would just like some insight on this if possible?
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Old 05-14-2013, 02:19 PM
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I think addicts like to seek out other addicts to not feel so ashamed.
Partner in crime as it were...

It's pretty sad, but I think most addicts have done it at some point.
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Old 05-14-2013, 02:25 PM
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Originally Posted by SicknTired8 View Post
Hey everyone,
I have a question that's been on my mind all day today. I don't know why I feel it necessary to have an answer to this but maybe it will give me peace of mind. Do addicts prefer dating other addicts?
My XABF is now dating another A who's DOC like my x is cocaine, weed and alcohol.
They binge for days together on the weekends. I would just like some insight on this if possible?
Addicts prefer dating whoever will enable them the most, and typically that means another addict.

And considering your XABF is doing what he's doing, be thankful you're free of him.

ZoSo
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Old 05-14-2013, 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Addicts prefer dating whoever will enable them the most, and typically that means another addict.

And considering your XABF is doing what he's doing, be thankful you're free of him.

ZoSo
It's funny he has a ZoSo tattoo on his arm haha love the coincidence.
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Old 05-14-2013, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by SicknTired8 View Post
It's funny he has a ZoSo tattoo on his arm haha love the coincidence.
Well, at least he likes Jimmy Page, so that's a check in the "+" column. Still, consider yourself lucky he's moved on from you.

Best,
ZoSo
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Old 05-14-2013, 03:23 PM
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they may "date" other addicts but is it actually dating? maybe i am coming at this from a different angle but after thinking over who my ex was with before me it was nothing but more chaos, partying, immature behavior, break ups, make ups, same crowd just hanging around with each other all the time but nothing we would call meaningful dating. i mean, nothing really is meaningful to them but the next whatever it is they decide they want to do to party the night away or escape what we know is reality.
this is one of those red flags to pay attention to. when i inquired about the only two i knew of he dated over a couple of years i got the explanation "ohhhhhhh noooo i just dated them because it was never going to be serious and i didn't want anything serious then." WRONG. BULL. now i know but it took forever for me to get enough info on them to realize they were drug users as well and boozers too. makes complete sense now but then i've had plenty of time for things to come full circle somewhat.
IMO yes they want to be with those who do and accept what they do. the other side of them wants someone with stability, loyalty, security...kind of the opposites of what they will end up being or doing over time.
depends on who it is too. alot of variables play on to every situation BUT the common theme i've come across is this: nothing works long term for one reason or another. either the addict gets with an addict and they fall in a downward spiral together over time OR the addict gets with a nonaddict, changes up for as long as possible, things deteriorate, the non addict starts to flounder, problems keep coming up from the addiction and/or codependency cycle coming in to play and the relationship ends either because the codependent can't do it anymore or the addict just exits the scene because of denial or wishing to pursue what they actually love.
i've seen here where some people are able to work together and conquer it but it takes TWO to do it. others may choose to stay for other reasons. i only mentioned the two most common situations i have seen or read about.
others may want to chime in with a different opinion and there sure is plenty of wisdom here i do not have.
remember the old saying "birds of a feather flock together." silly sounding but when i sorted out who my ex was with the most often(not who he introduced me to all over the place or his family members or the business aquaintances)then i had my answer. there are situations where it's like a double life type scenario. mine was one of them. it makes it harder but in the end it is exactly the same results.
choose to be happy you are not "in it" anymore. be happy you are not an addict having to battle it. i'm not saying it in a demeaning way because i do feel what anyone would feel in this situation. it's sad. but it is not our battle. until they choose to conquer it then they will be where the drug(s) of choice is. it's what they do. remember that always. it's what they do.
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Old 05-14-2013, 03:32 PM
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Me and my ex husband were drinking buddies. But then I got worse than he did and he still kept bringing me alcohol even when it was obvious that I was in serious need of treatment and was suicidal. It's sad.
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Old 05-14-2013, 03:34 PM
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that is a great statement about not being ashamed. it made me remember the words "i don't like people judging me" or "don't judge other people" being said often. probably makes people wonder if i was on a high horse walking around making grand statements. nahhhhh not at all. other than the analysis of " DUI's do happen, drugs and alcohol kill people, jail is real." you know, the reality statements.
if surrounded by others using and acting the same then there is no shame. if shame comes later i do not know.
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Old 05-15-2013, 03:12 PM
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well sure, who doesn't like a good party buddy? until....the money runs out, or somebody starts hoarding the dope, or just gets way too freaked and geeked, or forgets to come home.....considering that drugs are kind of a central THEME it's not surprising addicts would hang with addicts. kinda like health nuts at the gym, or hippies at the pea patch!
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Old 05-15-2013, 03:27 PM
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i think what was surprising was to see or realize how many are actively involved in the partying. i swear i wasn't raised in a bubble but i never would have thought THAT many people were willing, ready, available at all times to go down the path. yeah, i get the gym and for whatever reason the gym seems more "normal" of a choice to me.
if you haven't been in the big wide world of drugs and alcohol up close and personal before--and it's covered up with pretty people and suits and ties, too--it just takes a while to "get it." i wish it came with a neon sign and an instruction book for newbies but it doesn't. so when you come out on the other side of it whenever it happens--you really just don't know what exactly happened.
or maybe it's just me. and that's ok, too.
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Old 05-15-2013, 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by SicknTired8 View Post
Do addicts prefer dating other addicts?
I would just like some insight on this if possible?
You might do better off asking this question on the substance abuse or Narcotics Addiction - twelve step support forms. You know, ask addicts in recovery as they can answer both the before and after questions.

I'd be prepared for various answers because, contrary to popular opinion, addicts are individuals. It's easy, especially when we are hurting by the actions of a member of a specific group of people, to dehumanize, demonize and lump them together. Such as:

Do black people....?
Do Jews.....?
Do inmates....?

I'm an addict and don't presume to speak for all addicts; though there is no shortage of people who will.
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Old 05-15-2013, 05:51 PM
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legna...when you started using, did you do so in a vacuum, or in the company, influence or connection with other addicts? when you wanted to go get high, did you go visit the non-using mom with 3 kids trying so desperately to keep it together, or did you go find another addict, drug user or a dealer to procure your drugs? I think the question is valid...especially when it comes from someone who is not at all familiar with the "lifestyle".

this is not the forum to DEFEND addiction....nor to imply that when there is discussion about what addicts DO, it is a demonization of every individual who has ever been addicted. it's about loved ones trying like heck to begin to understand why the people they love so dearly are doing these awful, incomprehensible THINGS. why they steal, lie, disappear, use, act so damn weird, get so hostile, steal somebody's great grandmother's wedding ring....drive drunk with their precious babies in the car, are no shows to their child's game or recital....WHY oh why can't they just be home, safe, sane, and sober?
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Old 05-15-2013, 06:23 PM
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SR has provided many different forums to try to accommodate the widest audience. However SR can’t be all things to all people. I personally would not encourage anyone to go to the other boards and pump addicts for information. First, I think they have enough to deal with. Second, most have not worked a program from our side and many/most addicts also suffer from untreated codependency. We have quite a few double-winners here that have shared their ES&H about the lifestyle for years…anvil being one of them.

And while both addicts and codependents are all individuals, they have much more in common than they do differences. We all profile people every day of our lives. Personally, I would prefer if nobody ever uttered a single word about, or asked a single question about the addict and just concentrated fully on themselves and their whys in this. But, that’s not how we learn, we have to run it all out to make sure we did all we could do to help them before we end up learning the only one we can help is ourselves.
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Old 05-15-2013, 06:45 PM
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Forgive me if this is more of a question but I read some of the replies on here and feel you all may be able to give me some advice/information.

My SO is 60 some days clean and just arrived home from FL facility about a week ago.

We have been together for 8 years, do not live together.

This said, when she first came home we spent some time together, enjoyed each other's company for the first few days. She has been home a week now and has become somewhat distant. Does not reply to texts for several hours at times, rarely answers my calls and seems somewhat sad. I have seen her several times and she does not seem to have used. Seems cheerful when we are together but when home with her family (which was part of her abuse problem) she seems kind of.

I have asked her to come out, to spend some time at my home, just shake things up but she says no thank you.

Again, its only been a week but my question is am I doing the right thing? Giving her space and just letting things be? Should I ask her to open up? She herself has said to me a few times, "I'm sorry I have been blah lately" or "I haven't been the best lately." I tell her not to apologize, etc.

Any suggestions?

Thanks!
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:28 PM
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Spantoh,

This will give you a visual. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

If she's not using, she's experiencing a void...one that she used to fuel with drugs. She will talk when she's ready...don't push.

Are you doing or willing to do something for your recovery, therapy or self-help groups or books?
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:52 PM
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Do addicts prefer dating other addicts?
Addicts are people. And just like most people, they want to hang out with people who they feel a connection with. People in general will feel a connection with others living their lifestyle with their values. Therefore, it would be pretty reasonable to understand why addicts might seek out the company of other addicts.

I think a better question is why the heck a codependent wants to hang out with an addict trying all the while to change them.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:11 PM
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Old 05-16-2013, 05:05 AM
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I agree that this forum IS the right one to discuss this, because we share as peers who have been through the same thing together and we share what helped US.

Sickntired, my thoughts are that sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy. Perhaps that is why codependents (before recovery) are drawn like moths to a flame to addicts (before recovery). We are sick and accept the unacceptable behaviour of our sick loved ones.

When we know better, we do better and as we get healthy we think more clearly.

I'm sorry this is troubling you, but perhaps it is one of those strangely wrapped gifts that allows you to see him for what he is, a sick active addicts doing what sick active addicts do, and perhaps that will help you move forward in a healthy way in you own life.

Hugs
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Old 05-16-2013, 06:31 AM
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I think a better question is why the heck a codependent wants to hang out with an addict trying all the while to change them.
I wrote that last night and read it again this morning and i felt the need to clarify.

The important part of that sentence is "trying all the while to change them". With any relationship (addict or otherwise), it's important to accept people for who they are. And if I can't do that, I can either leave the relationship or figure out a way to exist in it without constantly trying to change the other person.

The sentence could be written a little differently.

Why the heck an addict want to hang out with an codependent who is trying all the while to change them.

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Old 05-16-2013, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
Why the heck an addict want to hang out with an codependent who is trying all the while to change them.

gentle hugs
ke

I asked D this very same question while he was in a fairly strong spiritual place at the SA. I believe his answer was 100% truth.

he said his codependents were all his enablers. we loved him so much and would never ever abandon him. while trying to change him, we clothed him, fed him, gave him a place to sleep. we always forgave him. He got to feel better about himself because all of his using guy buddies had girlfriends who used drugs with him. Being with me let him say he was better than them. He got and was able to keep a so called "straight edged" sober, Christian girl. surely he wasn't as bad as his friends because all of their girlfriends or parents either had gone no contact or were users themselves. It never clicked in his brain to question what was wrong with me that I being a "good Christian" and "sober girl". would stay with a heroin addict, instead he thought to himself he wasn't that far gone.. He also told me that his codies kept him alive. without the codies there are two outcomes: either he dies physically, or the addiction dies.

Yes. D was and is capable of spinning a great web of lies, and not get caught, just like a spider rarely gets caught in their own web, but this was one of the few and far between answers that I believe was brutally honest.
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