BB89

How do you know whether is time to continue holding on or time to let go?

I have been battling with this question for a few days now. I don't know how to find the answer.

I have reached a crossroads: I could stay, or I could cut my losses and walk away. Both sides have convincing arguments but I'm equally scared of both outcomes.

My A and I have slowly began to talk more and spend more time together and it's been great when we're together but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm making the right decision by staying with him. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. It's funny to me that only now, 4 months into his recovery, am I starting to have questioning thoughts about our relationship. He is the same person he was when I met him and fell in love with him, so what's happening?

I think the big difference is that I don't trust him the same way anymore. He was the first person I was ever able to fully trust but that trust was ruined when he relapsed. I thought I would be able to move past it but now I'm not so sure. I know trust takes time and action to rebuild but I fear it will never be the same.

For me, I cannot love someone I do not trust; which begs the question... do I even still love him? I honestly have no idea.

ruthhoney

I'm asking myself this question recently. In the end, I just have to accept a fact: I cannot control his life and I cannot control his decision.

Probably you should know about your own patience level by now. Some people advise me not to get emotionally invovled should I choose to stay and observe.

One thing for sure, at 5 months, it's not a good idea for him to get emotionally distracted too much from his treatment/recovery. If you can be a source of steady emotional support for him and don't expect him to give you any type of emotional support. I guess you can risk staying.

I could not, so I chose to stay away. I don't want to mess up his treatment and I don't want to mess up my life either. I don't want to turn into a crazy woman chasing after him questioning his whereabouts. If that sounds familiar to you, you might want to back out at this point.

BB89

I have been supporting him at somewhat distance since he entered into recovery so that he is more able to focus on himself. Our relationship has been nothing more than a friendship since then. The only reason we are talking more recently is because neither one of us wanted to distance ourselves so much that we grow apart; we want to grow more parallel/together if that makes any sense. But now I am questioning whether I want to grow with him at all.

I am a very patient person and would be happy to continue our relationship the way it is for a while if I choose to stay but I just don't know if that's what I want any more. It's my lack of real trust in him that's bothering me. I don't let it bother me to the point of insanity because I have relinquished any false feeling of control I have over him and his decisions but I don't like not feeling safe with him the way I once did.

Maybe I'm thinking about all this too much too soon but I guess I'm just afraid I will never be able to trust him no matter how long he is sober and how wonderful his actions in recovery are. I haven't brought this to his attention yet because I want to figure it out on my own first. It's just something I've been thinking about a lot recently.

ruthhoney

You might be thinking too much. we're in the exact same situation. The difference is that the more emotional invovled I am, the more difficult for me to trust him. At a distance, everything is good.

If you grow apart, I gues then you grow apart. There's no need to worry about it. Relatiponship with anyone is a risk, let alone with a recovering addict. I don't know your addict's drug use history. That might help you make a decision. Mine has the most difficult case. I don't have any hope left. I truly believe he can only get well through the power of God. And believe me, I'm quite a patient person. (I've been waiting patiently and supporting him afar for 3 years) Now, it finally reached its limit.

But on the other hand, a recovering addicti probably does need someone like you that can support them and provide them unconditional love and be patient with them.

I thought I could handle it. But as I invest more emotions into our relationship, I found it difficult to control myself. Distance seems to work best for me.

AnvilheadII

you may have just tired of the whole addiction thing...HIS active addiction, HIS recovery, fear of HIS relapse. I don't think you are going to get a blinding flash of light or flashing neon sign....you'll just make a decision one way or the other. in or out.

allforcnm

I think it makes sense BB89. The experience I had with my husband showed me that what was most important in rebuilding the trust was honest communication and time. My husband was in rehab for 3 months and then he came home. We had been apart for a long time due to his addiction, so it took a while to rebuild the trust. We were lucky I think because his rehab put emphasis on the health of our relationship as part of his recovery. Rebuilding the whole family structure so to speak; they had us in marriage counseling in his second month there. I think your both on the right track with keeping the communication open, spending what time you can together in an amount your both comfortable with. I think in time you will have a clear picture of how things are going between you. If you can work through the past together, rebuild trust, if the same feelings exists, and also can you deal with a possible relapse in the future. I think that varies from person to person, and circumstances. But for now my suggestion, just take is slow and try to enjoy the time you spend together, see what develops.

LoveMeNow

I think you know when you start thinking about a future that doesn't include them.

A question that was helpful to me was....What did I want my life to look like in a year?

Vale

Do you want to spend your finite time in this world with those who
appreciate,stimulate,& reciprocate?

........or do you just want to throw it in the ocean?

I chose to exit.

My God given time in this world is too precious to
support any other decision.

BB89

LoveMeNow, I think you're right with this. I have also had this same thought. If I still want to be with him, why am I questioning it so much? When I think about my life a year from now, I would love for him to be in it. Still clean and sober... but there's no guarantee for that. The uncertainty might be too much for me. He has told me that this time is different. And it does seem different. He is way more committed to his recovery than he was in the past but that doesn't mean it will stay that way. He says he can't live that life anymore- but I've heard all of it before.

We are in the very beginning stages of reconnecting. Right now I have my guard way up. I'm going to continue to observe his actions until I am certain of my decision.

Maylie

When I start questioning whether I want to be with someone I take it as a huge sign that I am unhappy and unfulfilled and that it isn't working anymore.

It sounds like you need to sit down and be honest with yourself about whether you can let go of the past and rebuild. It is important to be honest with yourself because otherwise you will end up in an unfulfilled relationship filled with let downs and resentment.

TML5

I am in the same position. I have been with my boyfriend a little over the year. When we first started dating, I suspected he was on something but I couldn't tell what. Later on, I found out it was blues (roxies) which I never knew about until him. His mother, sister, mother's fiancé, and friends all knew about it for at least a year prior. It got to a point where his mom, sister, and I would openly talk about his using and enough was enough. We tried an intervention and he agreed to rehab after convincing him. He went for a week and relapsed the day after he got home. Of course I suspected it but it didn't come out until months after him continuing shady routines. He got kicked out of his home and came to live with my family and I. He got a job and was still using. I suspected it and we would fight until my father caught him getting high in the bathroom while I was at work. He was no longer allowed at my house and still isn't because of that and because my parents paid a thousand dollars to help him get a rental car for work which he still hasn't paid them back for. He lives with his father ( who's a recovering alcoholic) and he started drinking again. After a couple months, he has a good job and a car. He's trying to stay clean and eventually we were planning to get a place together. To earn trust back, he was suppose to take drug tests and pay my parents. He had an excuse not to pay them and denied a drug test today because he said he's sick. He wants a ANOTHER chance. I told him he has to take a drug test tomorrow and pay my parents back next paycheck or we are done. When does it get to a point where enough is enough? I hope this time if he doesn't go through with this, I can finally walk away. He gets upset and just wants trust back but won't show me he's changing. We are close and he shares a lot with me about his addiction. Sometimes I think it's to brainwash me to think he is in recovery but he's using. He told me today he took sub-oxen when i wouldn't talk to him after he got kicked out of my house but why would he not tell me that? Especially since I tried to help him get Sub-oxen and he didn't want to take it. I feel like my judgement and sanity is gone and he took it. I do dwell on bad things in life to a certain extent and he uses it against me. He would admit using last week but Said I shouldn't get upset he lied and it's in the past which is ridiculous to me! Am I crazy? I don't know what to do anymore but I do love him. A year of this.Things get good than everything falls apart for him and he uses. Just listening to myself tell this makes me feel dumb for staying with him. Please help

crazybabie

Welcome to SR, TML, it may be helpful if you start a thread you could just copy and paste from here and more people will likely see it.

sevenofnine

to bb89

If you choose to be happy, you will be happy regardless of the outcome in this matter. I was listening to a radio program about happiness and a psychologist studying happiness made an interesting point about this study of yale applicants. They followed a large group of students who got accepted, and compared those who actually attended with those who didn't. It turned out that it didn't make a lick of difference in their outcomes (financial, career, happiness reporting). In the end, this monumental life decision wasn't having as big an impact as we assume. So a lot of time gets spent pondering which choice will be the right one to make, but actually the decision itself may be less important to the outcome than we realize.

I think you should not worry about the future or the past of the relationship, let yourself just worry about today, just make it a decision about today, not your entire future. This is not a decision you only get one chance at. If you stay now, it doesn't mean that's forever, nor does leaving guarantee any outcome. If you are not ready to decide, that is a perfectly valid option.

Anaya

BB89: Making a list of reasons to stay vs leave then reading and re-reading it may be helpful; it was for me.

BB89

That is such a wonderful way of thinking about it. Thank you for that!

suke

BB89, your post got me to register instead of just reading what others share. I am in a similar situation, if you stretch it to 23 years and add that the past 12 have been mostly sober - that's another thread

Just a few things people have said to me that stuck... you've got one shot at this life and you get to choose what you do with it... you are important enough to make the right decision for yourself... and lastly, doing nothing is still making a decision.

I truly believe that you know what to do, what is best for you, you just have to allow yourself to accept it. Best, best wishes!

BB89

Thank you, Suke and welcome to SR . I'm so glad you're here. If it wasn't for all the wonderful, wise people on SR, I might still be curled up in my bed feeling sorry for myself.

For me, I know what I want to do and I know what logic would tell me to do... sometimes those things don't always match up. I too trust that, in the end, I will make the right decision for me.