Choices
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
Choices
Hello all
I have not posted in a Long time , AS still an addict he left for a while and honestly as horrible as it sounds it was a wonderful period he's back though, same promises same $$$$. I think we as a family have come to our last straws with him and his addiction the only thing left is to throw him out, easier said than done . Sometimes i feel like a bad mother i feel like his addiction has won and ive just let go , i still love him but i feel guilt for not wanting to be around him not wanting to help him because i know i cant!!! Seriously is there a way off this ride ???, Anyway I come here often just to read, I have read a few times that addicts don't do drugs to people they do it to themselves, that they don't use to hurt you that they don't choose drugs over you, sadly to me this is not the case this is not how I feel, every time they use they are choosing drugs over you, every time they use they are hurting you. IAddicts are fully aware of the choices they make , addiction might be a disease but there is a cure . I want to feel validated in my feelings , that when AS uses he does hurt me and others that when he uses he does choose , just felt like letting that out take care ...
I have not posted in a Long time , AS still an addict he left for a while and honestly as horrible as it sounds it was a wonderful period he's back though, same promises same $$$$. I think we as a family have come to our last straws with him and his addiction the only thing left is to throw him out, easier said than done . Sometimes i feel like a bad mother i feel like his addiction has won and ive just let go , i still love him but i feel guilt for not wanting to be around him not wanting to help him because i know i cant!!! Seriously is there a way off this ride ???, Anyway I come here often just to read, I have read a few times that addicts don't do drugs to people they do it to themselves, that they don't use to hurt you that they don't choose drugs over you, sadly to me this is not the case this is not how I feel, every time they use they are choosing drugs over you, every time they use they are hurting you. IAddicts are fully aware of the choices they make , addiction might be a disease but there is a cure . I want to feel validated in my feelings , that when AS uses he does hurt me and others that when he uses he does choose , just felt like letting that out take care ...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
My son is in recovery, there is no way in hell that I viewed his using as personal. He did not use at me and I did not take it personal at all, nor did I try to save him. I knew full well he could save himself.
You could have opted off the ride at any time. You always had that choice. He didn't keep you on it, you did. I know this is so hard to understand but if you can work on you and just you, you will find all the answers you need.
You could have opted off the ride at any time. You always had that choice. He didn't keep you on it, you did. I know this is so hard to understand but if you can work on you and just you, you will find all the answers you need.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
i feel guilt for not wanting to be around him not wanting to help him because i know i cant!!! Seriously is there a way off this ride ???
I felt that if we loved him enough, if we gave him a good home and opportunity to work again (with my husband), if we supervised him enough and made sure he went to meetings and worked his recovery...if we did all this, I thought we could "love" him into sobriety...and discovered we could not.
My son has been missing for many years now, lost in his addiction somewhere unknown. I don't feel guilty, I feel compassion and sadness for the life he has wasted in his own dark world. I give my son to God every morning and ask Him to take care of him...then I live my day in joy, finding the beauty in each sunrise and peace in my heart.
I will pray for your son too, as I do for all our addicted loved ones. I pray that your son finds a better path and one day can leave his darkness behind. And I will pray that you too find your light in all this, so you don't get lost in his darkness too, as I did.
Hugs from one mama's heart to another's
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Eastern U.S.
Posts: 64
Lonelystar - I hear your feelings. I am sorry you are going through this. Separating ourselves from our sons (who were part of us, we gave birth to them) is very difficult.
Although I find separating and living my life difficult, without thoughts in my head daily, I work on letting go of those thoughts. When my son and his alcoholism comes into my head, I talk to myself and tell myself, "God will take care of him." If I am fortunate at that moment, I move forward with my day and become involved in happiness. That doesn't always happen. Not so easy.
When I don't know what is going on in his life, I seem to do fine. When I hear what is going on, I feel pulled back into his toxic lifestyle.
My biggest problem is my son's alcoholism affect on my two little grandchildren. I have a hard time letting go of those feelings. They love their dad so much. But we know the affect it has on 'children of alcoholics."
Ann - we have helped and helped because we always were hoping for a 'new start'. We 'pray' now vs. 'help'. We need to pray for him to make better choices. I use to pray for his wellness...but I give up on 'wellness'. I believe it is a choice and not that he be healed.
I am always told to 'be there emotionally' for him, tell him you love him. I tell him I love him all the time. I am not sure how to be there emotionally when he may call (he lives in another state) and I know he has been drinking. I can only tell by his little chuckle, or his throat clearing. Other than that... he seems very sober. HA! Do I just cut him off when he calls? Do I say "I can't talk with you know because you are drinking?" What if he hasn't been drinking (I am on the other end of the phone). Maybe I am 'guessing' and I am wrong?
I am an adult child of an alcoholic. He never sober 100% before he died. Once he was diagnosed with lung cancer, he gave up drinking and smoking and then died. He loved us, we know that. What a life to live as a child. PHEW!
I, like you, stop in to SR periocially to read for support.
Being the child of an alcoholic was not as difficult as being the mom of one. I feel part of my heart is tearing. I know if he hits bottom with death, that part of my heart will tear out of me.
Hugs to all the moms and dads who suffer from their child's addiction. Very difficult.
Although I find separating and living my life difficult, without thoughts in my head daily, I work on letting go of those thoughts. When my son and his alcoholism comes into my head, I talk to myself and tell myself, "God will take care of him." If I am fortunate at that moment, I move forward with my day and become involved in happiness. That doesn't always happen. Not so easy.
When I don't know what is going on in his life, I seem to do fine. When I hear what is going on, I feel pulled back into his toxic lifestyle.
My biggest problem is my son's alcoholism affect on my two little grandchildren. I have a hard time letting go of those feelings. They love their dad so much. But we know the affect it has on 'children of alcoholics."
Ann - we have helped and helped because we always were hoping for a 'new start'. We 'pray' now vs. 'help'. We need to pray for him to make better choices. I use to pray for his wellness...but I give up on 'wellness'. I believe it is a choice and not that he be healed.
I am always told to 'be there emotionally' for him, tell him you love him. I tell him I love him all the time. I am not sure how to be there emotionally when he may call (he lives in another state) and I know he has been drinking. I can only tell by his little chuckle, or his throat clearing. Other than that... he seems very sober. HA! Do I just cut him off when he calls? Do I say "I can't talk with you know because you are drinking?" What if he hasn't been drinking (I am on the other end of the phone). Maybe I am 'guessing' and I am wrong?
I am an adult child of an alcoholic. He never sober 100% before he died. Once he was diagnosed with lung cancer, he gave up drinking and smoking and then died. He loved us, we know that. What a life to live as a child. PHEW!
I, like you, stop in to SR periocially to read for support.
Being the child of an alcoholic was not as difficult as being the mom of one. I feel part of my heart is tearing. I know if he hits bottom with death, that part of my heart will tear out of me.
Hugs to all the moms and dads who suffer from their child's addiction. Very difficult.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
Thank you for all the replies,
Inciting I don't feel he is using to Hurt me personally but HIS using is hurting me , y should I cower and not say what I feel Im not going to walk around on eggshells I'm tired of that, and I have realized I can't help him and yes I agree he can save himself and yet he chooses not to , he is capable but yet chooses to use , he should be held accountable his actions do hurt others there's no way around it really and whether that makes him feel worse or not is out of my hands , I've hurt for so long from this child of mine that frankly I don't give a #### anymore
Sorry this sounds harsh but I have to just say what I'm feeling either that or I. Gonna drive myself crazy .....
Inciting I don't feel he is using to Hurt me personally but HIS using is hurting me , y should I cower and not say what I feel Im not going to walk around on eggshells I'm tired of that, and I have realized I can't help him and yes I agree he can save himself and yet he chooses not to , he is capable but yet chooses to use , he should be held accountable his actions do hurt others there's no way around it really and whether that makes him feel worse or not is out of my hands , I've hurt for so long from this child of mine that frankly I don't give a #### anymore
Sorry this sounds harsh but I have to just say what I'm feeling either that or I. Gonna drive myself crazy .....
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
Posts: 718
God Bless all the Mother's for their unconditional love on this Mother's Day weekend.
It's so hard when they are your children to detach. I have a son also who lives with me & all the lecturing and talking to, falls on deaf ears at times. I have been 2 years + clean & sober and only hope I can help him by the example I set NOW.
It's so hard when they are your children to detach. I have a son also who lives with me & all the lecturing and talking to, falls on deaf ears at times. I have been 2 years + clean & sober and only hope I can help him by the example I set NOW.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
That isn’t what you originally wrote or explained the second time around.
Sure it was sad to see my son using. But it didn’t hurt that he did, he didn’t hurt me, cause me pain. It was just sad, tragic and so not what I would have wanted for him, envisioned for him … I would have loved for him to see himself as more than the next hit from the crack pipe…but he wasn’t capable of that at the time and I wasn’t going to help perpetuate that.
And yes you should share your feelings, but how you feel is still on you not anyone around you. Your child is not responsible for your happiness, nor your pain, you are. And this is extremely hard for parents to understand. As I said you can opt out at any time. You made a choice to stay in the pain, in that hurt, you can make one to move on from it.
It has absolutely nothing to do with him feeling the consequences of his addiction. They will come, sadly they always do. To sit and tell your child it hurts to watch them use and self destruct is one thing, because then you accept that this is how you feel …. but you are phrasing it that it hurts you when he uses and that is not fair to him because now you made him responsible for your feelings and everyone else’s and that isn‘t possible. Only you are responsible for your feelings. Only you are responsible for your reactions to him, any actions in direct result of him being an addict.
Sure it was sad to see my son using. But it didn’t hurt that he did, he didn’t hurt me, cause me pain. It was just sad, tragic and so not what I would have wanted for him, envisioned for him … I would have loved for him to see himself as more than the next hit from the crack pipe…but he wasn’t capable of that at the time and I wasn’t going to help perpetuate that.
And yes you should share your feelings, but how you feel is still on you not anyone around you. Your child is not responsible for your happiness, nor your pain, you are. And this is extremely hard for parents to understand. As I said you can opt out at any time. You made a choice to stay in the pain, in that hurt, you can make one to move on from it.
It has absolutely nothing to do with him feeling the consequences of his addiction. They will come, sadly they always do. To sit and tell your child it hurts to watch them use and self destruct is one thing, because then you accept that this is how you feel …. but you are phrasing it that it hurts you when he uses and that is not fair to him because now you made him responsible for your feelings and everyone else’s and that isn‘t possible. Only you are responsible for your feelings. Only you are responsible for your reactions to him, any actions in direct result of him being an addict.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Eastern U.S.
Posts: 64
lonelystar - I understand what you are saying. You hurt. It is your son. I understand. We gave birth to our sons and we love them. Is it unconditional love we are told, and we feel?
I am feeling the way you do (to some degree); meaning (today) I don't care, I just want to live a normal, peaceful life with the children we raised to be young adults. When he calls, or his children (my grandchildren) call... the roller coaster seems to roll again. I don't sleep.
We know we can't change their using/drinking. We know that. We can hope and pray they make the choice themselves. We still may want to offer our opinion and know it falls on deaf ears.
Be strong. We can be strong together. Let's today know we won't think or worry about their addiction. When the thought comes in our head...tell ourselves, "God will take care of them." We can only keep trying.
I have read on SR there is hope. They may make the right choice one day.
We feel the pain and not so easy to 'let go' when this adult person is part of you. We loved them from the minute they came into this world. Is there an 'off' switch to stop loving your offspring? We felt their pain when they didn't make the baseball team. It was a learning experience. We felt their pain when they didn't land that perfect univesity they wanted to attend. So, now we just turn it off? I don't have that off switch, but I work on letting go of the pain I feel.
Lets be strong together.
I am feeling the way you do (to some degree); meaning (today) I don't care, I just want to live a normal, peaceful life with the children we raised to be young adults. When he calls, or his children (my grandchildren) call... the roller coaster seems to roll again. I don't sleep.
We know we can't change their using/drinking. We know that. We can hope and pray they make the choice themselves. We still may want to offer our opinion and know it falls on deaf ears.
Be strong. We can be strong together. Let's today know we won't think or worry about their addiction. When the thought comes in our head...tell ourselves, "God will take care of them." We can only keep trying.
I have read on SR there is hope. They may make the right choice one day.
We feel the pain and not so easy to 'let go' when this adult person is part of you. We loved them from the minute they came into this world. Is there an 'off' switch to stop loving your offspring? We felt their pain when they didn't make the baseball team. It was a learning experience. We felt their pain when they didn't land that perfect univesity they wanted to attend. So, now we just turn it off? I don't have that off switch, but I work on letting go of the pain I feel.
Lets be strong together.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I do understand what you are saying....I also understand what incitingsilence is saying.....
There is such a deep emotional connection to our children....particularly when they are sick. We want to nurse them back to health....it's how we are wired as mothers. And it doesn't work with addiction. But sometimes we try to the point of exhaustion.....
I felt deep pain (anguish) as it relates to my sons addiction for so long. I eventually had to make a choice to save myself. I was going down with him. I didn't get to the point of not giving a #### about him.....I got to the point of finally caring enough about myself to want the pain to stop. I suspect that's where you are at. And that's ok. In fact, that's actually a very good and healthy thing.
I spent so much time, money, and energy trying to be the good mother that I thought I was supposed to be. I felt his addiction was a direct reflection on my worth as a mother and as a human being. And it wasn't fair to put that on myself (or give another person that much power). I finally had to say....go....just go.....find a shelter......live your life the way you want to live it.....but I can't live with you while you do it. I had to accept that he could die and I had to lose my fear......face it down......and let it go.
Feel what you feel.....but you don't have to stay captive in that fear based anguish. When you're ready.....there is hope......there is joy. I imagine it may be hard for you to believe right now....but I've done it so I know it's possible.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
There is such a deep emotional connection to our children....particularly when they are sick. We want to nurse them back to health....it's how we are wired as mothers. And it doesn't work with addiction. But sometimes we try to the point of exhaustion.....
I felt deep pain (anguish) as it relates to my sons addiction for so long. I eventually had to make a choice to save myself. I was going down with him. I didn't get to the point of not giving a #### about him.....I got to the point of finally caring enough about myself to want the pain to stop. I suspect that's where you are at. And that's ok. In fact, that's actually a very good and healthy thing.
I spent so much time, money, and energy trying to be the good mother that I thought I was supposed to be. I felt his addiction was a direct reflection on my worth as a mother and as a human being. And it wasn't fair to put that on myself (or give another person that much power). I finally had to say....go....just go.....find a shelter......live your life the way you want to live it.....but I can't live with you while you do it. I had to accept that he could die and I had to lose my fear......face it down......and let it go.
Feel what you feel.....but you don't have to stay captive in that fear based anguish. When you're ready.....there is hope......there is joy. I imagine it may be hard for you to believe right now....but I've done it so I know it's possible.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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