How to get over the damage that has beem done?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
How to get over the damage that has beem done?
I have been with my husband for 13years. Almost the majority of that time he has been an addict moving from one drug to another. He went to rehab in march of 2011 and was clean for almost 1 1/2. But relapsed, I did what I could to help him but it didn't matter. So since August he has been fighting to be clean, but has been unsuccessful up until 2 weeks ago and swears to no end that he is clean. But he found every way possible to lie and deceive then, why not now? I want so bad to believe him, but I don't. I haves learned from his lies what he does. So things he does make me think he isn't clean. And told me that I need to get off his back and believe him. Somedays he is understanding when I grill him and some days he is not. He doesn't have money, but that didn't stop him before. I don't know how to get past this. He has caused so much damage that i focus so much on him. I work 40 plus hours a week with 3 kids that are very active in sports and I do everything at home while he does nothing. His addiction consumes me. I have absolutely no time to go to alanon meetings so I joined this page to help me. I have grown to hate him, but love him at the same time. Any advice on how to move forward? Thanks!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Thanks for posting and 
This site is now an integral part of my Alanon 12 step program. I attend 1 alanon meetig a week. Through out the week I talk with an Alanon friend, not always about issues but just friendly banter.
On this SR site sticky posts, Alanon websites, and personal blogs there is a lot of information to help you. Find literature for your recovery reading, there is a wealth produced by Hazelden and Alanon Family Groups.
What you need to do Leslie12 is focus on your recovery. Your husbands recovery is his own responsibility.
I am concerned for you. Please remember that you did not cause his addiction, nor contributed to it, can't change or control it, and can't cure it.
It's not all about him. Right now it has to be all about you--your sanity and health.
I wish you the best...certainly a call to your local Naranon or Alanon hotline can get you in contact that you can talk with by telephone or face to face.
Keep posting! May recovery come swift and sure to you.
This site is now an integral part of my Alanon 12 step program. I attend 1 alanon meetig a week. Through out the week I talk with an Alanon friend, not always about issues but just friendly banter.
On this SR site sticky posts, Alanon websites, and personal blogs there is a lot of information to help you. Find literature for your recovery reading, there is a wealth produced by Hazelden and Alanon Family Groups.
What you need to do Leslie12 is focus on your recovery. Your husbands recovery is his own responsibility.
I am concerned for you. Please remember that you did not cause his addiction, nor contributed to it, can't change or control it, and can't cure it.
It's not all about him. Right now it has to be all about you--your sanity and health.
I wish you the best...certainly a call to your local Naranon or Alanon hotline can get you in contact that you can talk with by telephone or face to face.
Keep posting! May recovery come swift and sure to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
Thank you wiscsober for your reply! I have learned through the years that I have done nothing to cause his addiction no matter how much he tries put it in my head that I may have. Focusing on me is a very difficult thing to do, Its been a long time. People tend to thinks that's an easy thing, but just thinking about it overwhelmes me. My husband has a very good sponsor, and he is involved in the NA program, so I guess I can relax a little on that, but he doesn't focus on it as much as I would like him too, but its like you said, its his responsibility not mine. I have the 12 step books and some other literature that I need to focus on. I got a taste of what my husband is like not high for almost a year and a half and I was so happy and I just hope we can make it back there. He is a wonderful man with black wrapped around his heart. Thank you for your advice! Its nice to just talk about it with someone!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Trust your instincts, if that little voice is telling you he’s using then listen to it. It’s hard NOT to be on the trail of finding drug use especially after you’ve been on it so long. But, you need to focus on YOU and your children NOT on him or his usage. Time will reveal the truth so be patient, stop grilling him.
What kind of a program is he using to help him quit?
What kind of a program is he using to help him quit?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
He is in a 12 step program. With a sponsor, he does a step study group once a week and attends meetings during the week. He is making an effort. This time there has been no trail and for the weeks working up to this time being clean he was very honest the whole time. I don't know if he just got that good at lying and covering his tracks or if he is telling the truth. I just want us to move toward.
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