Giving Ourselves What We Deserve
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Giving Ourselves What We Deserve
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Giving Ourselves What We Deserve
I worked at a good job, making a decent salary. I had been recovering for years. Each morning, I got into my car and I thanked God for the car. The heater didn't work. And the chance of the car not starting was almost as great as the chance that it would. I just kept suffering through and thanking God. One day, it occurred to me that there was absolutely no good reason I couldn't buy myself a new car - that moment - if I wanted one. I had been gratitudeing myself into unnecessary deprivation and martyrdom. I bought the new car - that day.
—Anonymous
Often, our instinctive reaction to something we want or need is, No! I can't afford it!
The question we can learn to ask ourselves is, But can I?
Many of us have learned to habitually deprive ourselves of anything we might want, and often things we need.
Sometimes, we can misuse the concept of gratitude to keep ourselves unnecessarily deprived.
Gratitude for what we have is an important recovery concept. So is believing we deserve the best and making an effort to stop depriving ourselves and start treating ourselves well.
There is nothing wrong with buying ourselves what we want when we can afford to do that. Learn to trust and listen to yourself about what you want. There's nothing wrong with buying yourself a treat, buying yourself something new.
There are times when it is good to wait. There are times when we legitimately cannot afford a luxury. But there are many times when we can.
Today, I will combine the principles of gratitude for what I have with the belief that I deserve the best. If there is no good reason to deprive myself, I won't.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Giving Ourselves What We Deserve
I worked at a good job, making a decent salary. I had been recovering for years. Each morning, I got into my car and I thanked God for the car. The heater didn't work. And the chance of the car not starting was almost as great as the chance that it would. I just kept suffering through and thanking God. One day, it occurred to me that there was absolutely no good reason I couldn't buy myself a new car - that moment - if I wanted one. I had been gratitudeing myself into unnecessary deprivation and martyrdom. I bought the new car - that day.
—Anonymous
Often, our instinctive reaction to something we want or need is, No! I can't afford it!
The question we can learn to ask ourselves is, But can I?
Many of us have learned to habitually deprive ourselves of anything we might want, and often things we need.
Sometimes, we can misuse the concept of gratitude to keep ourselves unnecessarily deprived.
Gratitude for what we have is an important recovery concept. So is believing we deserve the best and making an effort to stop depriving ourselves and start treating ourselves well.
There is nothing wrong with buying ourselves what we want when we can afford to do that. Learn to trust and listen to yourself about what you want. There's nothing wrong with buying yourself a treat, buying yourself something new.
There are times when it is good to wait. There are times when we legitimately cannot afford a luxury. But there are many times when we can.
Today, I will combine the principles of gratitude for what I have with the belief that I deserve the best. If there is no good reason to deprive myself, I won't.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
I grew up playing flute. Loved it.
Years passed and my flute got lost in the mail. Booo!
I wanted a new one, but I told myself they were too expensive.
Even when I found one on eBay for $200 I told myself I shouldn't have it...
Even when I had enough money to buy it at the time, I told myself I shouldn't.
But I knew it would make me happy!
What is wrong with me -- I would ask myself?
Why won't I let myself have nice things?
Sometimes I wouldn't even buy myself a new lip gloss because it was a "waste of money."
I had to do a lot of retraining of my mind to help myself see that it was not a waste of money to get myself something that would make me smile. Lip gloss, a flute, a tea when I'm out to eat.
I eventually got the flute and still have it today. I love being able to play it whenever I want! And it does still bring me joy.
I'm still not as good about spending money on lip glosses that cost more than $10, but when I do it, I'm always glad. I spend $6 on a snack pack of avocado sushi that disappears in 10 minutes, but I get weird about spending $12 on a lip gloss that will last me several months? Makes no sense.
I just need to keep remembering that I MATTER.
And that even when I don't have money to buy things like right now while I'm down to my last $20...I MATTER and I deserve to feel good.
Years passed and my flute got lost in the mail. Booo!
I wanted a new one, but I told myself they were too expensive.
Even when I found one on eBay for $200 I told myself I shouldn't have it...
Even when I had enough money to buy it at the time, I told myself I shouldn't.
But I knew it would make me happy!
What is wrong with me -- I would ask myself?
Why won't I let myself have nice things?
Sometimes I wouldn't even buy myself a new lip gloss because it was a "waste of money."
I had to do a lot of retraining of my mind to help myself see that it was not a waste of money to get myself something that would make me smile. Lip gloss, a flute, a tea when I'm out to eat.
I eventually got the flute and still have it today. I love being able to play it whenever I want! And it does still bring me joy.
I'm still not as good about spending money on lip glosses that cost more than $10, but when I do it, I'm always glad. I spend $6 on a snack pack of avocado sushi that disappears in 10 minutes, but I get weird about spending $12 on a lip gloss that will last me several months? Makes no sense.
I just need to keep remembering that I MATTER.
And that even when I don't have money to buy things like right now while I'm down to my last $20...I MATTER and I deserve to feel good.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I am gonna take this as a divine hint that I need to stop coming up with reasons I can't get my hair cut it is driving me crazy and needs layered but I keep saying NO Angie, you can't afford that right now when reality is YES I can. smh
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
It drives my husband crazy how cheap I am when it comes to me. Always has except when he deep into his addiction. I remember one time, I got my hair straightened and he actually threw the cost in my face. I was furious and told him "probably a 1/4th of what he spent on pills." Of course, he denied that but he shut up pretty quickly but I walked away still justifying in my head the money I spent on myself....guilt ridden and angry.
It has been taking me a while to retrain my thinking. I was so used to putting everyone's needs and wants before my own....even my dogs...that it was very uncomfortable at first.
It has been taking me a while to retrain my thinking. I was so used to putting everyone's needs and wants before my own....even my dogs...that it was very uncomfortable at first.
Orange Lily
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
Exactly. Too many times I've gone without in an effort to scrounge enough money for bills, food, rent... Because the AXBF spent all his money on drugs without hesitation.
Screw that! If I want something nice, it's for me, it's for me to be happy, and I won't extend a hand to help his addiction continue.
Screw that! If I want something nice, it's for me, it's for me to be happy, and I won't extend a hand to help his addiction continue.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
too funny, I am quite frugal, missing the shopping gene, I sometimes do a new candle or cleaning product as an "impulse" buy. have always been in charge of the finances, either as a single person or in a relationship. same holds true today - hank has NO desire to be in charge of all that stuff.
so we got a decent chunk back from taxes...not a ton, and i'm kinda miffed I didn't tweak our withholding a bit better. so the plan was to maybe get our roof fixed/repaired/reconstructed...we have an odd little house, part peaked roof, with a surrounding flat roof. flat roofs in seattle are just a DUMB idea. I had a reputable roofing contractor come out for an "estimate" and the estimate was.....20,000 dollars. yeah, thanks but um, no thanks!!!! hank was like up in arms for days over this and I kept saying, honey, it's not like we have to write them a check...it was an estimate. finally I figured it out, and said, what you are really ticked about is this means YOU have to do the work! yup!!!
a couple weeks later he has the nerve to say to me, the Queen of Finance here, so you are still saving that money right? you aren't just spending it?
say what??? ok, first do you SEE any new items being delivered? do you see me suddenly wearing high fashion?? have you done lost your mind??? spend it all on WHAT exactly dear? nope, actually except for a couple immediate bills (let's recall he's been on layoff for months and just back to work) and paying off the debt for when dellarose had her reconstructed knee surgery, it's all still in the bank PLUS some.
just for me, I don't feel I DESERVE to spend money on a whim....that doesn't do it for me. now, this sunday, my daughter and I are headed off the Mariners game for our traditional mom's day EVENT. and we did also get tickets to the Ken Griffey Jr Mariners Hall of Fame induction game in August. and I did order the new Wen Gardenia oil treatment stuff. that's really all I NEED.
so we got a decent chunk back from taxes...not a ton, and i'm kinda miffed I didn't tweak our withholding a bit better. so the plan was to maybe get our roof fixed/repaired/reconstructed...we have an odd little house, part peaked roof, with a surrounding flat roof. flat roofs in seattle are just a DUMB idea. I had a reputable roofing contractor come out for an "estimate" and the estimate was.....20,000 dollars. yeah, thanks but um, no thanks!!!! hank was like up in arms for days over this and I kept saying, honey, it's not like we have to write them a check...it was an estimate. finally I figured it out, and said, what you are really ticked about is this means YOU have to do the work! yup!!!
a couple weeks later he has the nerve to say to me, the Queen of Finance here, so you are still saving that money right? you aren't just spending it?
say what??? ok, first do you SEE any new items being delivered? do you see me suddenly wearing high fashion?? have you done lost your mind??? spend it all on WHAT exactly dear? nope, actually except for a couple immediate bills (let's recall he's been on layoff for months and just back to work) and paying off the debt for when dellarose had her reconstructed knee surgery, it's all still in the bank PLUS some.
just for me, I don't feel I DESERVE to spend money on a whim....that doesn't do it for me. now, this sunday, my daughter and I are headed off the Mariners game for our traditional mom's day EVENT. and we did also get tickets to the Ken Griffey Jr Mariners Hall of Fame induction game in August. and I did order the new Wen Gardenia oil treatment stuff. that's really all I NEED.
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