is it ever going to get better cuz i dont think so
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
well this morning my husband was in a rant that i needed to get up out of bed and then he went downstairs and continued to rant, trying to push my buttons and engage into argument with me....
another boundary i have set for myself is to try and not get into screaming matches with him when hes ranting...
it really worked, all i did was plug my ears and let him continue his yelling...
i got up to get us coffee and a loaf of bread and when i got back we had a talk
he let me know this medicine is really not helping him he really wants to crawl out of his skin and he feels like he just wants to go around breaking stuff...
the difference is that before he would have just broken things in a rage and we wouldnt know why so im glad hes talking
all it took was a call to the doctor who prescribed the meds, he left a message telling him its really not working,
and in the meantime his sponsor called and he was able to vent and talk things out with him
im sure that just me not engaging in argument to defend myself wasnt a magical cure , but it did bring a different outcome.. talking instead of screaming, and at one point when i was leaving to get the coffee he was asking if he had the right to be angry,
communication ...... its definetly a much needed and good thing here
another boundary i have set for myself is to try and not get into screaming matches with him when hes ranting...
it really worked, all i did was plug my ears and let him continue his yelling...
i got up to get us coffee and a loaf of bread and when i got back we had a talk
he let me know this medicine is really not helping him he really wants to crawl out of his skin and he feels like he just wants to go around breaking stuff...
the difference is that before he would have just broken things in a rage and we wouldnt know why so im glad hes talking
all it took was a call to the doctor who prescribed the meds, he left a message telling him its really not working,
and in the meantime his sponsor called and he was able to vent and talk things out with him
im sure that just me not engaging in argument to defend myself wasnt a magical cure , but it did bring a different outcome.. talking instead of screaming, and at one point when i was leaving to get the coffee he was asking if he had the right to be angry,
communication ...... its definetly a much needed and good thing here
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Where were your kids during this rant and the previous acts of violence? Are you concerned about the long term effects on them? Have you considered putting them in counseling?
They have no voice about living in this chaos and insanity. However, you do!! This has become "normal" for them and will replay throughout their lives without help. The addict should not be number one!! He is mentally unstable for whatever reasons and sounds very dangerous. Is there a valid reason why he still in the home?
They have no voice about living in this chaos and insanity. However, you do!! This has become "normal" for them and will replay throughout their lives without help. The addict should not be number one!! He is mentally unstable for whatever reasons and sounds very dangerous. Is there a valid reason why he still in the home?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
my girls came with me to get the coffee this morning, we left out the upstairs door, and the other incident with him taking the van key from me, the kids were in school and my youngest was at her grandmothers house thank God...
Yes I DO care about the long term effects of what happens during their child hood, and my oldest will be going to a counselor that one of the people at alanon used for their daughter,
i also asked how old does she need to be for alateen, and found out that some do allow younger children in, its really up to the group to decide...
I myself am an acoa and I do know that it affected who I am or have become, just as anything else in my life ....
And yes I do understand the cycle , and unfortunately I am not in the position at the moment to be able to just leave,
I figure if he is working on his recovery and I am working on mine, things will end up the way they should be,
and yes while the kids did hear him ranting, the DIFFERENCE is that they didnt hear or see me going downstairs to continue and escalate the drama. which is what i usually would do and thats detrimental to the children.
it may not seem ok to some, but i feel that it was progress, and no one was in danger, and this day has been a pleasant one since this morning which is usually not the norm here (unfortunately)
if hes working on him and im working on me and my kids arent in any danger, i think that him being home isnt hurting anyone anymore than it did when he was using.
things are changing. slowly yes but i do notice the small results and that matters.
the not arguing with him when he is trying to push my buttons feels great and it ended so different , our morning wasnt ruined, the whole day wasnt ruined, the kids didnt hear both of us screaming and yelling, and when he realized i wasnt going to join him he stopped .... i didnt waste a bunch of energy trying to defend myself against his crazy words, and want to lay around all day....we all had some laughs together today and some quality time which is great
church tomorrow, always praying for his will.... reading my alanon literature...
and of course yes if i ever feel like we are in danger i will call for help or get us away from him...
he is aware of whats going on with himself and he is trying to change it and get help its not like he is just sitting here getting high or drinking, he goes to his meetings and has two sponsors and keeps in contact with them and works the steps.
if he was just doing what he did in the past and not working on himself maybe i would feel different, i think that maybe im dealing with a dry drunk or i have read that crack really messes with your brain or maybe if they get him on a med that really works with him well he may end up ok.
who knows? Only God knows whats going to happen and I will keep praying for his will to be done. whether its happily ever after, or us splitting up....
If you knew me, you would know that Im always about the kids.... some people tell me that I have to take care of me too and that Im a great mom and Im a strong woman,
Ive always just tried to keep the family together,.
being honest, its probably because I know how it is not to have a father in life, but I also know that they cannot grow up to form healthy relationships if we dont start changing things.
i think we are, step by step day by day. and if he stops changing, i know enough to keep working on me, to come here, or call one of the people who gave me their numbers from alanon....
Im doing things different than I have in the past, because they say doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity,
and i dont want to be insane
so yes whether he continues to change or not Im still changing for the better of me and my childrens lives
progress not perfection Im thinking
Yes I DO care about the long term effects of what happens during their child hood, and my oldest will be going to a counselor that one of the people at alanon used for their daughter,
i also asked how old does she need to be for alateen, and found out that some do allow younger children in, its really up to the group to decide...
I myself am an acoa and I do know that it affected who I am or have become, just as anything else in my life ....
And yes I do understand the cycle , and unfortunately I am not in the position at the moment to be able to just leave,
I figure if he is working on his recovery and I am working on mine, things will end up the way they should be,
and yes while the kids did hear him ranting, the DIFFERENCE is that they didnt hear or see me going downstairs to continue and escalate the drama. which is what i usually would do and thats detrimental to the children.
it may not seem ok to some, but i feel that it was progress, and no one was in danger, and this day has been a pleasant one since this morning which is usually not the norm here (unfortunately)
if hes working on him and im working on me and my kids arent in any danger, i think that him being home isnt hurting anyone anymore than it did when he was using.
things are changing. slowly yes but i do notice the small results and that matters.
the not arguing with him when he is trying to push my buttons feels great and it ended so different , our morning wasnt ruined, the whole day wasnt ruined, the kids didnt hear both of us screaming and yelling, and when he realized i wasnt going to join him he stopped .... i didnt waste a bunch of energy trying to defend myself against his crazy words, and want to lay around all day....we all had some laughs together today and some quality time which is great
church tomorrow, always praying for his will.... reading my alanon literature...
and of course yes if i ever feel like we are in danger i will call for help or get us away from him...
he is aware of whats going on with himself and he is trying to change it and get help its not like he is just sitting here getting high or drinking, he goes to his meetings and has two sponsors and keeps in contact with them and works the steps.
if he was just doing what he did in the past and not working on himself maybe i would feel different, i think that maybe im dealing with a dry drunk or i have read that crack really messes with your brain or maybe if they get him on a med that really works with him well he may end up ok.
who knows? Only God knows whats going to happen and I will keep praying for his will to be done. whether its happily ever after, or us splitting up....
If you knew me, you would know that Im always about the kids.... some people tell me that I have to take care of me too and that Im a great mom and Im a strong woman,
Ive always just tried to keep the family together,.
being honest, its probably because I know how it is not to have a father in life, but I also know that they cannot grow up to form healthy relationships if we dont start changing things.
i think we are, step by step day by day. and if he stops changing, i know enough to keep working on me, to come here, or call one of the people who gave me their numbers from alanon....
Im doing things different than I have in the past, because they say doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity,
and i dont want to be insane
so yes whether he continues to change or not Im still changing for the better of me and my childrens lives
progress not perfection Im thinking
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