I am hurting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
I am hurting
I hurt so bad today. I am processing out a lot of feelings that come from being in a family of non-recovery addicts...and hitting bottom.
Just spent 12 years working through a crystal meth addiction with a daughter who stopped using when her twin daughters were born and now 7 1/2 years old.
In the last four years, youngest daughter started heroin. We did a lot for her but all the attention was on J (the one above). Now she is in the streets.
We moved to South America as we hit bottom financially, husband lost business and home due to poor financial administration...and now I am living so much below where I ever expected it is awful.
AD lost contact with us 3 weeks ago and I am going crazy. Don't want too...trying to detach, but I am going crazy.
My ex-crystal meth daughter is living in an apartment with our money as security deposit and threatening to throw away our few remaining personal belongings...hubby didn't save money to have all that sent when he promised...in January.
A christian trained therapist "friend" now tells me I am a victim of EA and I am just trying to make it.
My son told me he wouldn't receive me in his home if I went back to work and try to be available for AD if she chose to get sober.
I am confused and terrified that this is the end of my chances at a good life.
AH (he has used alcohol since I knew him...doesn't drink as much any more...and only on weekends, but he is an alcoholic; and the kids all "like" him more...he likes to be "liked".
I cannot locate Rachel...my son told me that I need to do what I need to do to be "happy"...but would not receive me in his home when I proposed going back and staying temporarily to start over.
There are mixed signals about jobs there...it is a bad economy and hubby says that I am not well enough to go....after supporting my idea until I sent it out to people who are saner than I for feedback.
I am losing it...and trying not to go under from fright and scared. Just went into NO CONTACT mode with biological family after being cut off 13 years ago after Dad's death. When I was saner, I knew that my mom is probably a very end stage alcoholic, but she and my father were both high functioning and she travels all the time.
I am feeling very lost and alone.
Reading the material which is helping but everytime I am alone and have time to think (didn't for all the years before...was always working through an AD or Detaching from AH and still trying to go back to biological family--so think this may be a reaction to taking a final NO CONTACT step...which I did formally as I needed to do it for myself...not them).
I know what I know. I need to make it through this.
My husband is working and starting his business over here in Chile...he is making enough to support us which is not a lot, but enough. I am afraid of the future I think, but I can't be.
Husband is kind and also, like me, the adult child of alcoholics...so gets scared when people are not nice...which they are not here. He is working hard at making things work and not abusive...but pretty desperate, I believe, in his silence.
I am trying to stay in detachment...although I fear his losing his business again. He says he is learning...has never said that before. We have no savings left...since 6 years ago...and my anxiety makes it difficult for me to keep a job...at least I go into uber worker focus and it is not going over well in some of my jobs. I have lost all my confidence since the last job was with a narcissist (my mother is a narcissist) and he drained me dry of empathy and then started treating me like dirt and expecting me to work day and night. At 58 I was already doing it but he wanted me to do only what he told me to do...and was withdrawing all work resources so that I had to, and then when I accomplished some pretty big and good things...he said I did too much.
Just spent 12 years working through a crystal meth addiction with a daughter who stopped using when her twin daughters were born and now 7 1/2 years old.
In the last four years, youngest daughter started heroin. We did a lot for her but all the attention was on J (the one above). Now she is in the streets.
We moved to South America as we hit bottom financially, husband lost business and home due to poor financial administration...and now I am living so much below where I ever expected it is awful.
AD lost contact with us 3 weeks ago and I am going crazy. Don't want too...trying to detach, but I am going crazy.
My ex-crystal meth daughter is living in an apartment with our money as security deposit and threatening to throw away our few remaining personal belongings...hubby didn't save money to have all that sent when he promised...in January.
A christian trained therapist "friend" now tells me I am a victim of EA and I am just trying to make it.
My son told me he wouldn't receive me in his home if I went back to work and try to be available for AD if she chose to get sober.
I am confused and terrified that this is the end of my chances at a good life.
AH (he has used alcohol since I knew him...doesn't drink as much any more...and only on weekends, but he is an alcoholic; and the kids all "like" him more...he likes to be "liked".
I cannot locate Rachel...my son told me that I need to do what I need to do to be "happy"...but would not receive me in his home when I proposed going back and staying temporarily to start over.
There are mixed signals about jobs there...it is a bad economy and hubby says that I am not well enough to go....after supporting my idea until I sent it out to people who are saner than I for feedback.
I am losing it...and trying not to go under from fright and scared. Just went into NO CONTACT mode with biological family after being cut off 13 years ago after Dad's death. When I was saner, I knew that my mom is probably a very end stage alcoholic, but she and my father were both high functioning and she travels all the time.
I am feeling very lost and alone.
Reading the material which is helping but everytime I am alone and have time to think (didn't for all the years before...was always working through an AD or Detaching from AH and still trying to go back to biological family--so think this may be a reaction to taking a final NO CONTACT step...which I did formally as I needed to do it for myself...not them).
I know what I know. I need to make it through this.
My husband is working and starting his business over here in Chile...he is making enough to support us which is not a lot, but enough. I am afraid of the future I think, but I can't be.
Husband is kind and also, like me, the adult child of alcoholics...so gets scared when people are not nice...which they are not here. He is working hard at making things work and not abusive...but pretty desperate, I believe, in his silence.
I am trying to stay in detachment...although I fear his losing his business again. He says he is learning...has never said that before. We have no savings left...since 6 years ago...and my anxiety makes it difficult for me to keep a job...at least I go into uber worker focus and it is not going over well in some of my jobs. I have lost all my confidence since the last job was with a narcissist (my mother is a narcissist) and he drained me dry of empathy and then started treating me like dirt and expecting me to work day and night. At 58 I was already doing it but he wanted me to do only what he told me to do...and was withdrawing all work resources so that I had to, and then when I accomplished some pretty big and good things...he said I did too much.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Big hugs to you from the US all the way to Chile!
You are going through a lot and it's understandable that you feel the way you do. It's also really great that you found this forum so you can be with others who understand what it's like to be living with the effects of addiction and alcoholism.
Check online to see if there is an Al Anon meeting near you. It will give you some valuable face to face support too. If not, it's okay -- we have online meetings here sometimes too.
Welcome to SR. Keep posting and reading. It does get better!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
You are going through a lot and it's understandable that you feel the way you do. It's also really great that you found this forum so you can be with others who understand what it's like to be living with the effects of addiction and alcoholism.
Check online to see if there is an Al Anon meeting near you. It will give you some valuable face to face support too. If not, it's okay -- we have online meetings here sometimes too.
Welcome to SR. Keep posting and reading. It does get better!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Irisgardens, things are surely tough for you right now, but some of it sounds positive.
detachment sounds final, but it leaves us with all those feelings, and what to do with them. perhaps total detachment is dealing with the fears, anxieties and sadness that detachment can leave us with. I would suggest focusing on something you love , and since you sound like a hard worker, use your strength to heal your mind from the worry.
you cannot worry about what others think. you cant change them, and as they say here at SR-"Its none of my business what others think of me", work on not letting it bother you. You are doing what you can to survive. Focus on you. not anyone elses problems, because they are all old enough to fix their own selves.
Keep posting. it helps. you have our support!
detachment sounds final, but it leaves us with all those feelings, and what to do with them. perhaps total detachment is dealing with the fears, anxieties and sadness that detachment can leave us with. I would suggest focusing on something you love , and since you sound like a hard worker, use your strength to heal your mind from the worry.
you cannot worry about what others think. you cant change them, and as they say here at SR-"Its none of my business what others think of me", work on not letting it bother you. You are doing what you can to survive. Focus on you. not anyone elses problems, because they are all old enough to fix their own selves.
Keep posting. it helps. you have our support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
thanks, chicory...yes...for whatever reason...i opened up WAY too much stuff all at once...and I am working at focusing on the work...and staying measured (in other words...to work hard and think hard...but not to go into hypermode and self destruct)--and my boss has been helpful which is awesome...he is the first helpful boss I have had in a long time...and I am finding that I can relax better when we are working as a team...and he likes helping...so I am being really positive there and smiling again.
on the family side...I feel as if I need to continue in my recovery work and let things unfold as they are supposed to...I have done something similar before about 16 years ago when I left my corporate career for family (& yes...the business had failed)...so is it possible that we are just on a path? I do know that I was so overwhelmed when I wrote the post that I think I was seeing things very negatively and by setting some boundaries and sticking to them...I did not send my husband money (don't have any to send) to finish the job he is working on...I let things be what they are as I focused on regaining my own serenity.
I just noticed the date of this post...and am happy to let you all know that there have been many positive things in the intervening year...unfortunately not with the heroin addict daughter...but I got a job over Skype from Chile and am living back in my home state and where I have lived all my life, I have been able to pay almost all the bills...and have some insurance, found my daughter in the streets of SF...unfortunately after 3-4 tries and her first big episode with the justice system (where I asked the DA and judge to give her the drug related consequences--she is early in the justice system and was going to get those charges dismissed)--which they did...it almost broke me emotionally though...so I have had to detach from her as of the end of June...as I had a major codependent relapse...and have really been struggling with detachment.
Husband is in Chile right now finishing a job. I still over-react to everything about financial failure or the emotional things that come with having tried so hard to 'help' my daughter this last year...and believe that I just need to...as chicory said...focus on the positive and to get my serenity back. I was a raving basket case from the end of May through maybe today--or Thursday--emotionally...and felt so much desperation and lack of power over my own situation...and it was pretty uncomfortable... I did, however, take the time to set and keep boundaries with my adult children around certain things that I can no longer do for them...and am handling the major backlash from the ex crystal meth addict...and ok with being out of contact for the time being--she ended up getting the apartment I had (in the above post) and I am in a new one starting over...so I feel ok about the emotional distance I am placing as she is very challenging...blames me for everything and has caused huge issues in the family for which I am the scapegoat.
The distance with family (all the adult kids) allows more focus for the job and working with my boss and trusting someone for a bit which is something that I can't remember the last time I was able to do...for rebuilding myself and working at keeping a paycheck and organizing my bills (they were organized but after trying to help the daughter and husband's medical bills on a visit from Chile...in a hole again.
So this is my plan...and I am staying with it...and also eating more healthily on the small step by small step life change plan...as this has always been an issue and staying with drinking water as often as possible to just take care of my body in ways I have only started to do since moving to Chile and then back...
These things sound like such small steps...but have been such big challenges...and I glory in the calm when I remember myself to that extent of drinking the water, and relaxing with a friend or writing here, and eating healthi(er)--and I can feel that slow by slow...I am making some progress...and that with time (a lifetime) and more practice and less drama and solving everybody's problems but my own...I can improve.
on the family side...I feel as if I need to continue in my recovery work and let things unfold as they are supposed to...I have done something similar before about 16 years ago when I left my corporate career for family (& yes...the business had failed)...so is it possible that we are just on a path? I do know that I was so overwhelmed when I wrote the post that I think I was seeing things very negatively and by setting some boundaries and sticking to them...I did not send my husband money (don't have any to send) to finish the job he is working on...I let things be what they are as I focused on regaining my own serenity.
I just noticed the date of this post...and am happy to let you all know that there have been many positive things in the intervening year...unfortunately not with the heroin addict daughter...but I got a job over Skype from Chile and am living back in my home state and where I have lived all my life, I have been able to pay almost all the bills...and have some insurance, found my daughter in the streets of SF...unfortunately after 3-4 tries and her first big episode with the justice system (where I asked the DA and judge to give her the drug related consequences--she is early in the justice system and was going to get those charges dismissed)--which they did...it almost broke me emotionally though...so I have had to detach from her as of the end of June...as I had a major codependent relapse...and have really been struggling with detachment.
Husband is in Chile right now finishing a job. I still over-react to everything about financial failure or the emotional things that come with having tried so hard to 'help' my daughter this last year...and believe that I just need to...as chicory said...focus on the positive and to get my serenity back. I was a raving basket case from the end of May through maybe today--or Thursday--emotionally...and felt so much desperation and lack of power over my own situation...and it was pretty uncomfortable... I did, however, take the time to set and keep boundaries with my adult children around certain things that I can no longer do for them...and am handling the major backlash from the ex crystal meth addict...and ok with being out of contact for the time being--she ended up getting the apartment I had (in the above post) and I am in a new one starting over...so I feel ok about the emotional distance I am placing as she is very challenging...blames me for everything and has caused huge issues in the family for which I am the scapegoat.
The distance with family (all the adult kids) allows more focus for the job and working with my boss and trusting someone for a bit which is something that I can't remember the last time I was able to do...for rebuilding myself and working at keeping a paycheck and organizing my bills (they were organized but after trying to help the daughter and husband's medical bills on a visit from Chile...in a hole again.
So this is my plan...and I am staying with it...and also eating more healthily on the small step by small step life change plan...as this has always been an issue and staying with drinking water as often as possible to just take care of my body in ways I have only started to do since moving to Chile and then back...
These things sound like such small steps...but have been such big challenges...and I glory in the calm when I remember myself to that extent of drinking the water, and relaxing with a friend or writing here, and eating healthi(er)--and I can feel that slow by slow...I am making some progress...and that with time (a lifetime) and more practice and less drama and solving everybody's problems but my own...I can improve.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
when i wrote my first post above...had gone no contact with family of origin and that has helped.
the thing with the adult kids has been painful but clear...but they are all adults...the oldest three are 35, 31, and 28 respectively and I am glad to give them their own lives...this was a cultural adjustment as latin cultures (my husband) expect kids to stay for the long-run--I am from the U.S. so do not feel that way.
i am focusing on myself as you all suggested above...because it all finally got so overwhelming that I simply couldn't keep anything straight and had to let go, let God...and just let it go...around the end of June 2014. Until then, had been trying variations on a theme...new ways of uniting family, new traditions, etc. whatever...but it didn't work...and so God has to show me the way.
Now am working on just me...which might be the first time in my lifetime that this has happened. It is not easy...and I have been struggling...but I am so happy to read these posts and to read your wisdom. On any one day...I have no idea what comes next except for the focus on what I wrote above...to focus on taking care of me (does anyone else get like me and feel confused when they write those words?) and to see what comes. Thank you to ALL!!!
the thing with the adult kids has been painful but clear...but they are all adults...the oldest three are 35, 31, and 28 respectively and I am glad to give them their own lives...this was a cultural adjustment as latin cultures (my husband) expect kids to stay for the long-run--I am from the U.S. so do not feel that way.
i am focusing on myself as you all suggested above...because it all finally got so overwhelming that I simply couldn't keep anything straight and had to let go, let God...and just let it go...around the end of June 2014. Until then, had been trying variations on a theme...new ways of uniting family, new traditions, etc. whatever...but it didn't work...and so God has to show me the way.
Now am working on just me...which might be the first time in my lifetime that this has happened. It is not easy...and I have been struggling...but I am so happy to read these posts and to read your wisdom. On any one day...I have no idea what comes next except for the focus on what I wrote above...to focus on taking care of me (does anyone else get like me and feel confused when they write those words?) and to see what comes. Thank you to ALL!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Yes, Iris, I can relate to being confused at how to take care of myself, sometimes. I have poor boundaries, and am working on them. Working to 'feel' how it would be to have such and such boundaries.
good for you, focusing on what is most important right now. You and your job, and your peace and serenity. I hope that you continue to post and share and maybe find some meetings to attend, so you can make some friends and share face to face with others who would understand your needs.
big hugs and just take care of you! who else will, if we don't?
Chic
good for you, focusing on what is most important right now. You and your job, and your peace and serenity. I hope that you continue to post and share and maybe find some meetings to attend, so you can make some friends and share face to face with others who would understand your needs.
big hugs and just take care of you! who else will, if we don't?
Chic
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