i think its finally time to reach out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 5
i think its finally time to reach out
I'm feeling a bit out of my element today.. I've never reached out in a forum type (or any other type) or setting for support in dealing with my boyfriend's addiction but today I felt like maybe I should give it a try.
We've been together for 6 years and about 3 1/2 years ago drugs really took over his life and became this all-consuming aspect of our relationship. His drug of choice was prescription painkillers. He went to a rehab facility last year but was kicked out just short of his 30 days after being found with drugs in his room. It was devastating, but I was in denial for about 9 months after he returned home that he was sober when he clearly hadn't stayed sober even a day out of rehab. When he finally admitted to me that he was back on drugs, he dropped the bomb on me that it was no longer pain pills but heroin that was taking over his life. After a few weeks of him going through withdrawal at my house I felt like I couldn't be supportive anymore. I wasn't sleeping at all because he was laying in bed next to me writhing in pain all night or becoming verbally abusive out of sheer insanity of not being able to go get drugs. It was a relief when this February he had decided on his own to go back to rehab, and this time he successfully completely the 30 days--claiming it was the happiest he's ever been. Two months later my anxiety was slowly starting to subside and I was seeing light at the end of the tunnel when he came over to my house and it was undeniable that he was high. He was visibly nodding off during conversation and spending unusually long times in the bathroom. There was just no denying it that he had relapsed. After I confronted him last night he admitted that he had been using painkillers (not heroin) for the last 3 days and he didn't know what to do with himself. I understand that addiction is a demon that he can't fight alone, and I know he understands it as well. My problem is that I feel like my role in his life has become that of a therapist, constantly talking him down from a ledge and steering him on the right path (going to meetings, trying to spend more time with sober friends) and it seems like he really agrees with everything I say and wants to do it all but he never seems to do it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand I have no control over this, but I'm having such a hard time accepting that. I'm watching the person I want to spend the rest of my life with cry in my arms about how he's scared that he is going to die but not doing anything that he knows he needs to be doing to maintain his sobriety. The anxiety has consumed me at this point and there are no Nar-Anon meetings anywhere in my area. Anytime he doesn't answer the phone my mind starts racing to scenarios of him having overdosed or being in a car accident or some other tragedy. I'm starting to feel like my entire life is going to be spent worrying about him and no longer even caring about myself. On one hand I really want to be a rock for him and be supportive in any way I can but I'm not sure how to help myself anymore. Any kind of advice or guidance would really help me right now.. I'm really struggling.
We've been together for 6 years and about 3 1/2 years ago drugs really took over his life and became this all-consuming aspect of our relationship. His drug of choice was prescription painkillers. He went to a rehab facility last year but was kicked out just short of his 30 days after being found with drugs in his room. It was devastating, but I was in denial for about 9 months after he returned home that he was sober when he clearly hadn't stayed sober even a day out of rehab. When he finally admitted to me that he was back on drugs, he dropped the bomb on me that it was no longer pain pills but heroin that was taking over his life. After a few weeks of him going through withdrawal at my house I felt like I couldn't be supportive anymore. I wasn't sleeping at all because he was laying in bed next to me writhing in pain all night or becoming verbally abusive out of sheer insanity of not being able to go get drugs. It was a relief when this February he had decided on his own to go back to rehab, and this time he successfully completely the 30 days--claiming it was the happiest he's ever been. Two months later my anxiety was slowly starting to subside and I was seeing light at the end of the tunnel when he came over to my house and it was undeniable that he was high. He was visibly nodding off during conversation and spending unusually long times in the bathroom. There was just no denying it that he had relapsed. After I confronted him last night he admitted that he had been using painkillers (not heroin) for the last 3 days and he didn't know what to do with himself. I understand that addiction is a demon that he can't fight alone, and I know he understands it as well. My problem is that I feel like my role in his life has become that of a therapist, constantly talking him down from a ledge and steering him on the right path (going to meetings, trying to spend more time with sober friends) and it seems like he really agrees with everything I say and wants to do it all but he never seems to do it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand I have no control over this, but I'm having such a hard time accepting that. I'm watching the person I want to spend the rest of my life with cry in my arms about how he's scared that he is going to die but not doing anything that he knows he needs to be doing to maintain his sobriety. The anxiety has consumed me at this point and there are no Nar-Anon meetings anywhere in my area. Anytime he doesn't answer the phone my mind starts racing to scenarios of him having overdosed or being in a car accident or some other tragedy. I'm starting to feel like my entire life is going to be spent worrying about him and no longer even caring about myself. On one hand I really want to be a rock for him and be supportive in any way I can but I'm not sure how to help myself anymore. Any kind of advice or guidance would really help me right now.. I'm really struggling.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR. I am glad you have reached out for your own sake.
My first advice is to read about codependency. See if you can identify with any of the common traits. There are stickies on the top of the page. Also, Codependent No More is a highly recommended book.
Also, check for Alanon meetings in your area. Many loved ones of addicts attend Alanon for various reasons.
I m sorry you are going through this. But please know:
You did not cause it.
You can not control it.
You can not cure it!
My first advice is to read about codependency. See if you can identify with any of the common traits. There are stickies on the top of the page. Also, Codependent No More is a highly recommended book.
Also, check for Alanon meetings in your area. Many loved ones of addicts attend Alanon for various reasons.
I m sorry you are going through this. But please know:
You did not cause it.
You can not control it.
You can not cure it!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that you're struggling so, but you've found the right place.
This is a hell of a way to live:
If you choose to spend your life worrying about him every day, then that's what your life will be like. But this is a choice you're making, and with choice comes consequences, like losing yourself and your sanity in his addiction.
If I were to tell you to detach from him and allow things to take their own course, I'd be willing to bet you'd consider that a selfish thing to do. And in broad sense, it is a selfish thing to do. But here's the thing: there is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, that you can do to help him. He has to want to embrace recovery, and at this moment in time, he's not there yet and may never be there. So knowing that you can't help him leads to making the following choice: either save your own health and sanity, or stay coupled to him and go down in flames together.
To save your sanity, you need to detach, with love. And that means while you love him and hate to see what he's doing to himself, you can't stay on that path with him because it will end up costing you too much.
If there are Al Anon meetings in your area, I strongly encourage you to attend those. You need support in person right now. We're here to support you and give you comfort, but there is nothing like talking face to face with someone, and there's nothing like listening to people tell their stories.
Keep us posted.
ZoSo
This is a hell of a way to live:
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand I have no control over this, but I'm having such a hard time accepting that. I'm watching the person I want to spend the rest of my life with cry in my arms about how he's scared that he is going to die but not doing anything that he knows he needs to be doing to maintain his sobriety. The anxiety has consumed me at this point and there are no Nar-Anon meetings anywhere in my area. Anytime he doesn't answer the phone my mind starts racing to scenarios of him having overdosed or being in a car accident or some other tragedy. I'm starting to feel like my entire life is going to be spent worrying about him and no longer even caring about myself. On one hand I really want to be a rock for him and be supportive in any way I can but I'm not sure how to help myself anymore. Any kind of advice or guidance would really help me right now.. I'm really struggling.
If I were to tell you to detach from him and allow things to take their own course, I'd be willing to bet you'd consider that a selfish thing to do. And in broad sense, it is a selfish thing to do. But here's the thing: there is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, that you can do to help him. He has to want to embrace recovery, and at this moment in time, he's not there yet and may never be there. So knowing that you can't help him leads to making the following choice: either save your own health and sanity, or stay coupled to him and go down in flames together.
To save your sanity, you need to detach, with love. And that means while you love him and hate to see what he's doing to himself, you can't stay on that path with him because it will end up costing you too much.
If there are Al Anon meetings in your area, I strongly encourage you to attend those. You need support in person right now. We're here to support you and give you comfort, but there is nothing like talking face to face with someone, and there's nothing like listening to people tell their stories.
Keep us posted.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Stephanie, welcome to the forum, and I hope you find support here, we definitely know what a mind-bender addiction is. It is a storm like no other, and painful, painful, painful to see in a loved one, knowing we cannot make them do what they need to do, only they can.
Addiction will poison and ruin everything, everybody, in its path. The only solution is for the addict to choose, AND DO THE VERY HARD WORK OF, recovery.
Please know that you are not even on the list of folks who are best suited to "support" your addict. The best folks for this are other addicts successfully in recovery. It is very natural for a non-addict loved one to feel that it's their role to "support" and "be there" for an addict. The truth is that you are not the best person for that role, and for good reason.
If you are able to find any alanon meetings, many folks dealing with addiction also attend these when there are no nar-anon meetings available. The principles are the same, and the face to face support can save your sanity.
Others will be along shortly, in the meantime there is a weath of information in the "sticky" posts at the top of the list of forum topics.
We know where you're coming from, we've been there.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I'm starting to feel like my entire life is going to be spent worrying about him and no longer even caring about myself.
There is no way in hell you will survive this without getting some help and support for yourself. You have to find a way to switch the focus back onto you and keep it there understanding there is no way you can help him. Although he is very capable of helping himself and he has the tools with his visits to rehab to save himself, when he is ready. He knows what he has to do for him. You need to find what you can and should be doing for you and your own peace and sanity.
I have so been there done that. The worry and the fear of death consumed me. It was so all encompassing I don’t know how I managed to get anything done with him in my head all the time and me feeding all these gloom and doom scenarios that at the time weren’t even warranted.
You can opt off the ride anytime you want. It isn’t yours anyway and won’t ever be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Find an al-anon meeting if there are no nar-anon meetings in your area.
He knows what he has to do, he knows you support his “recovery” but he also knows you “tolerate” his addiction.
He continues to choose to use drugs so yes at this point your life is going to be spent worrying about him and caring less about yourself – unless YOU choose to do something different for yourself. How about therapy, counseling, reading about codependency, al-anon meetings – those are all things you can do for you NOT FOR HIM OR THE RELATIONSHIP.
He knows what he has to do, he knows you support his “recovery” but he also knows you “tolerate” his addiction.
He continues to choose to use drugs so yes at this point your life is going to be spent worrying about him and caring less about yourself – unless YOU choose to do something different for yourself. How about therapy, counseling, reading about codependency, al-anon meetings – those are all things you can do for you NOT FOR HIM OR THE RELATIONSHIP.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 5
Thank you so much for your responses. I've never spoken to anyone about this that actually has an idea of what I'm really going through. It's been quite emotional to even hear someone say they understand.
The hardest part for me is that I know all to well that it isn't my responsibility to support him but I choose to do it anyway because it brings me the slightest bit of relief to have him know I haven't given up on him. It's even harder because most people just tell me to leave him and as ZoSo said I've struggled with the idea of it being a selfish thing to do. But I feel that even if I were to move on and detach, these feelings of worry would not go away. I urged him last night to see a therapist because although I love him dearly, I can't be the only one he leans on anymore. It's too much for me to bear.
I didn't mention it before but both of us are only 23 years old. I feel like going through this has aged me so many years past where I should be. I feel like the effect his addiction has had on my life has changed a lot the past few years because before I used to just be angry that he treated me like ****. I was not willing to understand that he has a disease but rather felt he was just choosing to make me feel awful. I realize now that he is so embarrassed and hates himself for this. He no longer treats me the way he used to and thats what makes the idea of just leaving him so much harder. He is loving towards me and he does go out of his way for me quite a bit, he just doesn't seem to love himself to take care of himself.
He urges me all the time to go to Al-Anon.. even saying he would go with me. My father is an alcoholic and his father was an addict for many years who is very active in AA. I'm thinking I should take him up on that offer and go to a meeting I'm not sure why I'm so scared to get help for myself when I'm so willing to help him.
The hardest part for me is that I know all to well that it isn't my responsibility to support him but I choose to do it anyway because it brings me the slightest bit of relief to have him know I haven't given up on him. It's even harder because most people just tell me to leave him and as ZoSo said I've struggled with the idea of it being a selfish thing to do. But I feel that even if I were to move on and detach, these feelings of worry would not go away. I urged him last night to see a therapist because although I love him dearly, I can't be the only one he leans on anymore. It's too much for me to bear.
I didn't mention it before but both of us are only 23 years old. I feel like going through this has aged me so many years past where I should be. I feel like the effect his addiction has had on my life has changed a lot the past few years because before I used to just be angry that he treated me like ****. I was not willing to understand that he has a disease but rather felt he was just choosing to make me feel awful. I realize now that he is so embarrassed and hates himself for this. He no longer treats me the way he used to and thats what makes the idea of just leaving him so much harder. He is loving towards me and he does go out of his way for me quite a bit, he just doesn't seem to love himself to take care of himself.
He urges me all the time to go to Al-Anon.. even saying he would go with me. My father is an alcoholic and his father was an addict for many years who is very active in AA. I'm thinking I should take him up on that offer and go to a meeting I'm not sure why I'm so scared to get help for myself when I'm so willing to help him.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
He urges me all the time to go to Al-Anon.. even saying he would go with me.
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 5
I know it would be a place for me I just don't know if I'm strong enough to walk into a meeting for the first time by myself. I'm working up to it.. there is an Al-Anon meeting at the rectory of my elementary school church on Fridays--ironically convenient as it is the only one near my home.
What I'm struggling with the most right now is I don't know how to really deal with a relapse. I'm not sure if I should be viewing it as back to square one or just a bump in the road. Obviously theres no way anyone could answer that question for me but I'm torn over how I should view such an event.
I read that post on CoDependency-- Thank you for suggesting it LoveMeNow.. its crazy how I assumed that article would be like most others I've read but parts of it managed to really hit home in a way I didn't expect.
What I'm struggling with the most right now is I don't know how to really deal with a relapse. I'm not sure if I should be viewing it as back to square one or just a bump in the road. Obviously theres no way anyone could answer that question for me but I'm torn over how I should view such an event.
I read that post on CoDependency-- Thank you for suggesting it LoveMeNow.. its crazy how I assumed that article would be like most others I've read but parts of it managed to really hit home in a way I didn't expect.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
We are just like them -- we have to be in enough pain and be sick of it enough and to have finally reached our limit of realizing that we need help that then leads us to show up in a meeting for the first time.
You'll go when you realize you can't sustain the kind of life you're living. When it's intolerable and you realize it's crazy and out of control and that you need help.
I cried through my first meeting with my head on the table the whole time. But I went and I kept coming back and I am learning what to do for me. It's not always easy but I know it's better than trying to do it without support.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
You'll go when you realize you can't sustain the kind of life you're living. When it's intolerable and you realize it's crazy and out of control and that you need help.
I cried through my first meeting with my head on the table the whole time. But I went and I kept coming back and I am learning what to do for me. It's not always easy but I know it's better than trying to do it without support.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by stephanie17 
I know it would be a place for me I just don't know if I'm strong enough to walk into a meeting for the first time by myself. I'm working up to it.. there is an Al-Anon meeting at the rectory of my elementary school church on Fridays--ironically convenient as it is the only one near my home.
What I'm struggling with the most right now is I don't know how to really deal with a relapse. I'm not sure if I should be viewing it as back to square one or just a bump in the road. Obviously theres no way anyone could answer that question for me but I'm torn over how I should view such an event.
I read that post on CoDependency-- Thank you for suggesting it LoveMeNow.. its crazy how I assumed that article would be like most others I've read but parts of it managed to really hit home in a way I didn't expect.
What I'm struggling with the most right now is I don't know how to really deal with a relapse. I'm not sure if I should be viewing it as back to square one or just a bump in the road. Obviously theres no way anyone could answer that question for me but I'm torn over how I should view such an event.
I read that post on CoDependency-- Thank you for suggesting it LoveMeNow.. its crazy how I assumed that article would be like most others I've read but parts of it managed to really hit home in a way I didn't expect.
You are young, heal yourself now so you can have a happy, healthy life. For me, it started out kind of boring, then was painful and eventually got exciting when I discovered some break throughs. You are worth the time and energy!!
Oh and buy the book!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Bridgeport, WV
Posts: 108
I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this. I have found so much support and great advice here. My husband struggles with opiate addiction as well. Unfortunately there are no Nar-Anon meetings in my area either. It can be so frustrating and isolating when you want help and support and there doesn't seem to be any. Sometimes friends and family can be hard to talk to as well. I'm no expert by any means but I've really found comfort in talking to others on here with experience. It can also be a great place to vent when it's 3 am and you need to get some things off your chest!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Supporting our loved ones is a good thing. But the trick is to find balance… so that we are also taking care of ourselves, meeting our own needs, and keeping up with our own responsibilities. Addiction is a chronic disease like so many others in the world. For example most of us know we cannot cure our loved one of cancer, or chronic depression; but we can offer support, encouragement, help them understand their options, and listen to their concerns. But even caregivers in these situations also get tired, suffer burnout; so please do not be hard on yourself for your feelings right now. Its important to stay in touch with ourselves, and reach out, take breaks, whatever we need to do.. if we suffer emotional, or physical burnout then we are no good to ourselves, or the one we love.
Since you mentioned understanding the chronic disease aspect of addiction, it might be helpful to read a couple of Stickys at the top of this forum from the National Institute of Drug Abuse. One has information for family and some links to online resources which are filled with info. There is also info from NIDA out there on relapse… I will actually send you this link by private message in case it might be helpful. The other sticky has information on Addiction being a disease. At the very end of that thread is a post that contains YouTube clips from a movie called Pleasure Unwoven which I found very helpful in putting a visual to the explanations that were given to me by my husband’s doctors. One of these clips explains relapse also. This might be something you can share with your boyfriend.
When my husband was in rehab I started seeing a therapist. She was a great help to me, and so I always recommend this option. She allowed me to vent, helped me work through my feelings 1:1, understand what was really going on within me, etc. It became my safe little place, and talking it out really helped. My therapist also recommended a book to me called Get your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, Threatening. Despite its title, it is not really about the belief you can make your loved one get sober… we know they have to do the work to make this happen. But the book is about several things. It helps you evaluate your relationship, create boundaries for yourself so you don’t get burnt out, and then it teaches methods of positive reinforcement based on the approach that NIDA supports: Community Reinforcement and Family Training. Its supporting but in a balanced and structured way. Its actually has a high success rate of getting loved ones into treatment, and then helping them adhere to treatment plans… which is where there real remedy comes from.
Whatever you do, take care of yourself first. Take things slow, and know the answers you need are inside of you.
Since you mentioned understanding the chronic disease aspect of addiction, it might be helpful to read a couple of Stickys at the top of this forum from the National Institute of Drug Abuse. One has information for family and some links to online resources which are filled with info. There is also info from NIDA out there on relapse… I will actually send you this link by private message in case it might be helpful. The other sticky has information on Addiction being a disease. At the very end of that thread is a post that contains YouTube clips from a movie called Pleasure Unwoven which I found very helpful in putting a visual to the explanations that were given to me by my husband’s doctors. One of these clips explains relapse also. This might be something you can share with your boyfriend.
When my husband was in rehab I started seeing a therapist. She was a great help to me, and so I always recommend this option. She allowed me to vent, helped me work through my feelings 1:1, understand what was really going on within me, etc. It became my safe little place, and talking it out really helped. My therapist also recommended a book to me called Get your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, Threatening. Despite its title, it is not really about the belief you can make your loved one get sober… we know they have to do the work to make this happen. But the book is about several things. It helps you evaluate your relationship, create boundaries for yourself so you don’t get burnt out, and then it teaches methods of positive reinforcement based on the approach that NIDA supports: Community Reinforcement and Family Training. Its supporting but in a balanced and structured way. Its actually has a high success rate of getting loved ones into treatment, and then helping them adhere to treatment plans… which is where there real remedy comes from.
Whatever you do, take care of yourself first. Take things slow, and know the answers you need are inside of you.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Stephanie ~ while learning about addiction is important because it can show the magnitude of the disease. How there brain becomes "rewired" to only think about the drug. It can provide insight why an addict does what they do but it will also show that it was beyond our scope of understanding or help.
But more importantly, I hope you spend your time and energy learning about YOU first. Statistics says 50% of children of an addict (alcohol is a drug) will marry one or become one. Personally, I think it is higher then 50%.
We are not qualified to play therapist although I thought I was, lol. I lost myself, as many do being involved with an addict. You can not fix him but you can fix you!! Only he can fix him.
As often said here.....if love could cure addiction, none of would be here!!
But more importantly, I hope you spend your time and energy learning about YOU first. Statistics says 50% of children of an addict (alcohol is a drug) will marry one or become one. Personally, I think it is higher then 50%.
We are not qualified to play therapist although I thought I was, lol. I lost myself, as many do being involved with an addict. You can not fix him but you can fix you!! Only he can fix him.
As often said here.....if love could cure addiction, none of would be here!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by help4hubby
I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this. I have found so much support and great advice here. My husband struggles with opiate addiction as well. Unfortunately there are no Nar-Anon meetings in my area either. It can be so frustrating and isolating when you want help and support and there doesn't seem to be any. Sometimes friends and family can be hard to talk to as well. I'm no expert by any means but I've really found comfort in talking to others on here with experience. It can also be a great place to vent when it's 3 am and you need to get some things off your chest!
I go to Al Anon and alcohol is not my husband's main issue either. There are people in my Al Anon meetings whose loved ones do all sorts of things -- heroin, pills, cocaine, alcohol, pot, etc. or any combination of them.
Whether it's alcohol or drugs, we're still dealing with addiction and the Al Anon meetings can help all of us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
The stay or leave debate and what leaving would bring in terms of relief…
Leaving brings absolutely nothing in relief, but leaving removes the obsession in your face. Ifyou don’t work on you no matter what choice you make you will not be able to get past the worry and fear that is running you now.
How about following your own advice to him. And instead of urging him as to what he needs to do, get yourself a therapist. And AA won’t hurt, you have nothing to lose and maybe check into adult children of alcoholics, there is a board here and there is a whole bunch of information on the web.
Getting educated, seeking information will help you save yourself in this, because the future isn’t going to be good if you don’t take care of you first and foremost. You are young, the steps you take now to work on you will give back throughout the rest of your life.
A few tricks for the obsession, a god box, write you worries on a piece of paper and put them into a box for god to worry about. Also giving yourself a set amount of time each day to run them fears out, 10 minutes max and that is it, play it out quick, get it over with and he is off limits in terms of worry in your head. I perfected playing the tape to the end, as fast as I thought of him it went right to the end of I have no control, this is way out of my hands. I had to be so conscious at times to remove obsession of him playing out over and over. Omg I knew I have a wild thought process, I write I need that, but hell the amount of ways I could play the same scenario over and over, hell the amount of ways I could write out the same instance over and over. Journaling is awesome as well, mine taught me so much about myself, who I was, why I was as I was and that is really the key. He isn’t really your issue you are. Your fears, worries and reactions to him are based on you, not him and what he does.
Also you have to watch that he isn’t just a distraction, my husband and that heroin made the most perfect excuse in my head to not take care of myself. I mean really he was the sick one cause I certainly wasn’t shooting up heroin. Oh yeah I was way screwed up. I could even blame it all on him, which became a real mute point when I picked back up…I did hypocrite so well, ugh!
There is so much information, take your time, be gentle with yourself and take care of you!
Leaving brings absolutely nothing in relief, but leaving removes the obsession in your face. Ifyou don’t work on you no matter what choice you make you will not be able to get past the worry and fear that is running you now.
How about following your own advice to him. And instead of urging him as to what he needs to do, get yourself a therapist. And AA won’t hurt, you have nothing to lose and maybe check into adult children of alcoholics, there is a board here and there is a whole bunch of information on the web.
Getting educated, seeking information will help you save yourself in this, because the future isn’t going to be good if you don’t take care of you first and foremost. You are young, the steps you take now to work on you will give back throughout the rest of your life.
A few tricks for the obsession, a god box, write you worries on a piece of paper and put them into a box for god to worry about. Also giving yourself a set amount of time each day to run them fears out, 10 minutes max and that is it, play it out quick, get it over with and he is off limits in terms of worry in your head. I perfected playing the tape to the end, as fast as I thought of him it went right to the end of I have no control, this is way out of my hands. I had to be so conscious at times to remove obsession of him playing out over and over. Omg I knew I have a wild thought process, I write I need that, but hell the amount of ways I could play the same scenario over and over, hell the amount of ways I could write out the same instance over and over. Journaling is awesome as well, mine taught me so much about myself, who I was, why I was as I was and that is really the key. He isn’t really your issue you are. Your fears, worries and reactions to him are based on you, not him and what he does.
Also you have to watch that he isn’t just a distraction, my husband and that heroin made the most perfect excuse in my head to not take care of myself. I mean really he was the sick one cause I certainly wasn’t shooting up heroin. Oh yeah I was way screwed up. I could even blame it all on him, which became a real mute point when I picked back up…I did hypocrite so well, ugh!
There is so much information, take your time, be gentle with yourself and take care of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 5
The "god box" is an interesting idea, incitingsilence.. I'm definitely going to give that a try. I've always loved writing and I did get myself to sit down and write about my feelings a few times and it was very cathartic--maybe I'll start to do that again as well.
Thank you all for your advice.. you've all made me feel so much better today than I would have felt if I had not stumbled upon this forum.
Thank you all for your advice.. you've all made me feel so much better today than I would have felt if I had not stumbled upon this forum.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
We as caring human beings have 2 fatal flaws when it comes to
placing ourselves in the role of cheerleader/counselor:
1)we are not qualifed
2)we are too close to the situation
A judge who is "too close" to a matter before his/her court simply MUST
recuse him/herself......and transfer the matter to someone 'not involved'
placing ourselves in the role of cheerleader/counselor:
1)we are not qualifed
2)we are too close to the situation
A judge who is "too close" to a matter before his/her court simply MUST
recuse him/herself......and transfer the matter to someone 'not involved'
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13
I've been there too stephanie, driving myself crazy with wondering whether or not a relapse is just a part of the process. Sometimes that thought still comes up, but I manage to kill it pretty quickly because I know that the only one who can answer that question is my husband. He knows what he has to do, and if he doesn't do it without me begging and pleading and reminding and nagging, he may as well not do it at all.
That being said, do not It also helped to add that by trying to manage his recovery for him and smothering him with "support" and advice, I was not helping him, but was instead sending a very clear message that he was incompetent and unable to address his own problems without my guidance. Not only is this condescending, this actually *hurts* the addict. When not high, addicts often hate themselves and believe they're stupid, worthless, ugly, and any other number of negative things. Your telling him what he should be doing only reinforces that on a subconscious level. For some people, having sole responsibility for putting their lives back together helps to drive their recovery. I'm not saying that that *will* work for your boyfriend. It's totally possible that when faced with that very difficult task he might say, "nope, too hard" and go back to using. But if you have to manage the recovery for him, then he's not really in recovery.
You cannot be his therapist. Giving that up will be part of making your life better. It was hard for me to give this up too, but it's also very liberating. I can't read your mind, but here's how it was for me: While I knew or at least truly believed that what I was telling my AH to do to advance his recovery was good for him, what I was really thinking deep, deep down was, "you need to do this so that *I* can be happy. You need to feel better so *I* can feel better." I had been holding him responsible for making me happy, but had refused to acknowledge this to myself because of how guilty it made me feel. It's not an evil way of thinking, it's pretty human actually, but it's also dysfunctional. We have to rewire our brains to think a different way.
Going to Al Anon meetings regularly will help ingrain this though. And read the recommended books, they helped me soooo much.
Best wishes to you and your boyfriend on your respective journeys to a better way of life. I'll be thinking of you.
That being said, do not It also helped to add that by trying to manage his recovery for him and smothering him with "support" and advice, I was not helping him, but was instead sending a very clear message that he was incompetent and unable to address his own problems without my guidance. Not only is this condescending, this actually *hurts* the addict. When not high, addicts often hate themselves and believe they're stupid, worthless, ugly, and any other number of negative things. Your telling him what he should be doing only reinforces that on a subconscious level. For some people, having sole responsibility for putting their lives back together helps to drive their recovery. I'm not saying that that *will* work for your boyfriend. It's totally possible that when faced with that very difficult task he might say, "nope, too hard" and go back to using. But if you have to manage the recovery for him, then he's not really in recovery.
You cannot be his therapist. Giving that up will be part of making your life better. It was hard for me to give this up too, but it's also very liberating. I can't read your mind, but here's how it was for me: While I knew or at least truly believed that what I was telling my AH to do to advance his recovery was good for him, what I was really thinking deep, deep down was, "you need to do this so that *I* can be happy. You need to feel better so *I* can feel better." I had been holding him responsible for making me happy, but had refused to acknowledge this to myself because of how guilty it made me feel. It's not an evil way of thinking, it's pretty human actually, but it's also dysfunctional. We have to rewire our brains to think a different way.
Going to Al Anon meetings regularly will help ingrain this though. And read the recommended books, they helped me soooo much.
Best wishes to you and your boyfriend on your respective journeys to a better way of life.
I'll be thinking of you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
