EverHopeful721

I've been having trouble putting my finger on how I've been feeling this last week....

On one hand, I'm finally seeing my XA for who and what he really is and am accepting the fact that he never had any intention of entering into a committed relationship with me. I was basically just a filler for sex until he decided he was ready to be in a relationship again, stringing me along and giving me hope with false declarations of love, and then instead of committing to me, he chose to go back to an old ex who he had probably been working on getting back with the whole time he was seeing me. So on one hand, I know it's a good thing that I'm finally realizing that he wasn't the person I thought or hoped he was. And I'm glad to say that I don't think about him 24/7 and when I do, I try to quickly remind myself of how he treated me and how I was nothing but an object to him, something to use and then discard like a piece of trash once he was done.

But on the other hand, all of these realizations are making me feel very sad, very dumb and very used. I've been doing better, haven't been crying that much, doing my best to keep moving forward, but I just feel kind of lost and empty right now....is this another stage of grief? It's like I put everything I had into this man, all of my love, my hopes, my plans for the future and now that a future with him is no longer a possibility, I'm not sure what to do with myself and my life at this point. I just feel that he took the best of me and left an empty shell when he was done...

As always, thanks for listening.

ruthhoney

Don't sleep with a guy until you know for sure his intention towards you. I'm on the opposite side of a similiar issue. The guy has always been treating me well and tries to reconnect and keeps in touch with me. But I guess he probaby sees other girls for fill of sex. But to be honest, I'm sure the other girl your XA tries to get back with will not be a happy girl in the relatiopnship anyway. And she'll probably experience more pain than you are experiencing if they did get back togother.

crazybabie

I think it is a normal part of the grieving process... feel your sadness but don't dwell in it for long ...your not dumb you were a trusting person and you believed him now he has shown you who he really is. Take the time you need to figure out what to do for you and IMO part of that is feel your feelings, the ex he got back with didn't win a prize.

As, you can already see it gets easier one day at a time.

EverHopeful721

Thanks, ruthhoney. Yes, I definitely learned that lesson the hard way. But as crazybabie stated, I absolutely trusted him and thought I was safe getting involved with him. After all, he wasn't a stranger to me - he was one of my brother's best friends, someone I've known since we were kids. I've now learned that nobody is 'safe' or deserves a 'free pass,' no matter who they are or how long you've known them...they have to earn that privilege. As for the girl he went back to, she knows full well what she's getting into, as she was with him once before and she works in the bar where he drinks and uses cocaine. She most likely also uses or doesn't care that he does and is willing to turn a blind eye to it. I agree with crazybabie - she certainly didn't win a prize, although she thinks she has, and it speaks even more to her character that she went back with him even though she has a pre-teen son who she is now allowing to spend time with a cocaine addict....

Thank you, crazybabie. I know you're right - the only way to get past the sadness is to go through it and feel it, without dwelling on it for too long. For the most part, I know that I am healing and getting better with each day that passes....it's just that every now and then a day like today hits me out of nowhere and I feel so hurt again. But I know it will pass....I just have to hang in there until it does.

zoso77

You simply decide that you're going to get through this and be thankful you can see him for what he truly is.

There is a difference between self-examination and beating yourself up when you're "post-gaming" the events that have led you to this point. And I don't think you're as empty as you believe you are. Right now, the best thing for you to do is simply doing the things that you enjoy doing (that are constructive). It's a time for self care and self love.

You will soon come to realize that whatever you had with him wasn't what you thought it was, and it won't hurt as much as it does now. There will also come a point when then way you look at him will be quite different.

Just keep on keeping on. Trust me. You will get through this, and when you do get through it and you're at the other end of the tunnel, you'll say to yourself:

Is that all it was?

ZoSo

EverHopeful721

Thank you, Zoso. You're right - I have to stop beating myself up. Just because I trusted and believed in the wrong person does not mean I'm dumb. It just means I made a mistake, as we all do. But the important thing is to learn the lesson and not repeat it....and believe me, I NEVER want to go through THIS experience again!!

I've been trying to take care of myself, started doing my hobbies again, giving myself pedicures, starting to take pride in my appearance again. And the self-love...well, that's something I've struggled with my entire life, but I'm working on it through therapy. And one thing I'm becoming more and more certain of is that I didn't deserve to be treated and used like that....not by him, not by anyone.

And I truly can't wait for the day when I can look at him differently, when it won't hurt as much and when I can say to myself, "Is that all it was?" And until I get there, I will definitely keep on keeping on - there simply is no other option. Thank you so much for those very wise, very encouraging words, Zoso.

zoso77

None of us are immune to f**king up. I think the goal is to minimize how often we do, and when we do make mistakes, hopefully they're more sophisticated mistakes.

You will be fine.

ZoSo