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He msg and said I ****** up. Really?

Old 05-04-2013, 05:10 AM
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IsItAlright
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He msg and said I ****** up. Really?

I have been crying last 2 nite remembering how he choked me and pushed me into the wall in march and how it ended up with police. Its all because i have be nagging on him for being out drinking till morning 5 days a week. I remember the terrible faces of him and his addict flatmate. After I was out, he had been happily binge drinking and getting high on coke till every morning without my interfere for a whole week with his friends before he moved to Canada. Drank till last minute overnight before the flight.

And, by coincidence, he msged me at 4ish am Canada time. Asked how I was... Said he's in great pressure at new job coz its one of the best restaurant in Canada. He end up saying 'no matter what there would be someone hating him. Was used to be you and now it will be someone else.' And said that I was the one who ****** up. Seriously? What's the purpose to send these? To get attention? Passive aggressive strategy trying make me convince him that I loved him so much, so that he could feel good about himself? He was used to say 'u hate me' when we were together... Whenever he drank, he said that.

Seriously, he really think that he has done nth wrong?! And cause no harm to me? And I'm the only one who have issue? I won't fall into the trap anymore. I was stupid enough that when we were together, I was trying hard to let him feel the love just because he said 'u hate me'.

Please.... Why do I still miss him sometimes... Please tell him he's crap and he will never change. Was it really me who fxxked it up? I know its stupid... But sometimes I thought... Perhaps if I had been hanging in there and just put myself in his shoes, letting him binge drink and snort coke for farewell before he moved as he said. We would end up being ok in Canada now as he said that he would change his lifestyle after moving?

But.... He grew up in Canada and he started drugs at 11 and be drug dealer at school there... Would he really change now? He seems to be successful now as a chef in one of the best restaurants in Canada... Was it just me making a big deal on his cocaine and alcohol use? He said that I thought him as homeless drug addict but he has job. He is stressed now... Means he may be using coke to cope?

My mind is all in a messed... But yes, I should focus on me.
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Old 05-04-2013, 05:16 AM
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Ann
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Wing, because he says something doesn't make it true. He is active in his addiction, his mind is not rational and he doesn't want it to be right now. As long as he blames you, he doesn't have to take responsibility for his own problems and actions...and words.

He is physically violent...that is NOT your fault. He is verbally abusive...that is NOT your fault.

You can sit and cry over his hurtful words, which will make them effective and the drama can continue in sadness....or you can stop taking his messages and stop listening to his hurtful words, and move on with your life in joy.

You don't NEED him to fulfill yourself. Try working on your own healing and recovery, maybe find a meeting today and support and start taking good care of you...because you are worth it.

Only you hold the key to your happiness, only you can unlock to door to a happy future and close the door on the pain of the past. You can do it, you are stronger than you think and certainly well worth the effort.

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Old 05-04-2013, 08:12 AM
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No he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. That is the irrational insane thinking of an addict. If they didn't think that way, they wouldn't continue to use and behave that way. They convince themselves what they are doing is not wrong.
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:06 AM
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Thanks Ann... Yes, as long as he blames me, he doesn't need to take responsibility. I thought the same. I ended the conversation with 'u always blame the others esp me. It makes your life easier.'

My councilor said that I alway rethink about what I might have done wrong in the past but he, as an active addict, wouldn't do it.

(And Madison),
Yes.. Thanks for reminder. I guess that I shouldn't think that he's ready to give up addiction in new environment now as he's still irrational.
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:07 AM
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He's engaging in psychological abuse, and that's on top of the physical abuse.

Where does it say you have to tolerate this, Wing?

ZoSo
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:09 AM
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Till today, he still claims that he had never hurt me. God... Really?! He really think so?! I'm amazed.
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Wing View Post
Till today, he still claims that he had never hurt me. God... Really?! He really think so?! I'm amazed.
And this is called "gaslighting", a form of psychological abuse.


You can either be passive and continue to be his victim, or you can take control of your life and your future and remove this cancer once and for all.

ZoSo
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:13 AM
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Yes Zoso...
I thought, after over 1 month not being in touch, he msg me to apologize... But he just said I hate him and I ****** up... Sent it over from half the globe away just to psychocologically abuse me... I'm calm now...
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:16 AM
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Just becoz he said he never hurt me.... Now I remember all the incidents that he hurt me psychologically, verbally and physically... Yes... I won't fall into the trap to get affected... I remind myself not look back...
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Wing View Post
Yes Zoso...
I thought, after over 1 month not being in touch, he msg me to apologize... But he just said I hate him and I ****** up... Sent it over from half the globe away just to psychocologically abuse me... I'm calm now...
Well, being calm is nice. But having been through psychological abuse myself, I can recognize when others are victims of it. And you don't have to be a victim, Wing.

He is a sick, sick man, and sick men behave in sick ways. I encourage you to block him...

ZoSo
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:26 AM
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Thanks Zoso, u know everything. I'm really impressed... I just googled 'gaslighting'... It described what I've been through exactly... During our relationship, he and his addict flatmate kept blaming that I'm crazy... I almost really believed that I was... No, actually, I'm still doubting myself... I keep asking my friends and councilor if I'm crazy...
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:28 AM
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Plus, he was used to say that I pretend to be victim and enjoy being victim. Who doesn't want to be princess? Who wants to be victim?
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Wing View Post
Thanks Zoso, u know everything. I'm really impressed... I just googled 'gaslighting'... It described what I've been through exactly... During our relationship, he and his addict flatmate kept blaming that I'm crazy... I almost really believed that I was... No, actually, I'm still doubting myself... I keep asking my friends and councilor if I'm crazy...
You're not crazy, Wing.

But in my opinion, it is crazy to allow oneself to be the victim of a sick person.

And the only reason why I know that is because I've been there...

ZoSo
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Old 05-04-2013, 10:42 AM
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"Its all because i have be nagging on him for being out drinking till morning 5 days a week."

He choked you and pushed you into a wall because he was is drunk, violent, self absorbed, and a grade A *******. You did NOT do anything to make him do that, I don't care if you nagged him for a year straight, there is still NO EXCUSE for physical violence. That is exactly how the cycle of abuse going things are great, he hits you, he says "look what you made me do", he says he is sorry, you tip toe around him and it starts all over again. PLEASE do not EVER think that anything you do causes physical abuse, that is ALL ON HIM, not you.

"Was it really me who fxxked it up? "

No, it was not you, IT WAS HIM. HE was the one that was abusive, HE is the one that is an alcoholic, HE is the one that isn't rational, and HE is the one that is incapable of truly loving someone else, putting effort into a relationship, and unable to put the needs of another ahead of his own. HE is the one that messed up everything, HE is the one that refuses to put the effort into recovery.

Have you considered going no contact? He has nothing positive or beneficial to offer you, in fact, all he has to offer is chaos, disappointment, and hurt. He is immature and abusive, and is not even willing to admit that he has wronged you in so many unimaginable ways. The fact that he is blaming you and still trying to hurt you even though he is in a different country shows he is extremely immature and extremely far from recovery.

You deserve to be happy and treated right. Physical and emotional abuse is NEVER okay and you have survived both. You are a lot stronger than you think. It is time to focus on yourself and healing the wounds that you have suffered emotionally from this relationship. Set some goals for what you want your future to look like and start working towards them. We can't change the past but we sure as hell can make sure the past doesn't repeat itself.
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