shinebright7

It didn't happen the way I thought it would...

But tonight my husband and I were texting after he sent me a cute little icon of a monkey to say hi...

I wrote back I was just thinking about you

And he said when can we be together again? how long is this going to go on?

So I told him...

I'd been praying and meditating about it and I think he should plan on being away for two more months.

I said I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's just too hard for me to be with you right now and all of this has been too much for me since this all started.

He questioned my love for him and my undersatnding of our marriage.

I could tell he was getting upset.

I talked about how we had been brought together and that we need to ask God to help us and that I know He will and has been too.

By this time, my husband was not responding to the texts anymore.

I kept typing some of the things I wanted to share with him and then reminded him that I loved him and that I know this is hard and but I do love him and that's why I asked him to marry me and it was so special.

But as I wrapped up and put the phone down and saw that he still was not writing back, my mind started freaking out.

I started crying instantly worrying that he is getting so depressed and funked out that he will try to hurt himself tonight.

He has been suicidal in years past. He has told me recently that he would not kill himself because he is afraid of what that would do for his soul, so I hope that fear keeps him from doing it...

But I know he can go to very scary dark sad places. And he has admitted that to me also.

I freaked out and pulled out all my phone lists from Al Anon to try to find someone to call who accepted night calls.

I called one who had that by her name and she didn't answer -- a man answered and was not happy that I was calling after 1 in the morning. I apologized and hung up.

I know my sponsor goes to bed super early and turns off her phone.

So I tried my Al Anon friend in an earlier time zone. No answer.

I finally called a guy I met at an open AA meeting and he picked up.

He listened to me cry and be scared about my husband hurting himself.

He reminded me that my husband could go to those scary dark places any time -- regardless of whether or not I had told him he couldn't come home for 2 months.

And he reminded me of step 3. Turning our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

He reminded me that I was safe and warm and was in good shape.

I stopped crying.

I decided to read some of my daily readers in bed. And I'm going to do that...but first I wanted to come here and type this out to do a little journalling too.

<sigh>

Ugh. This sucks!

I might be making a huge mistake, but I also know that I could not have him coming back to live with me right now. I'm too messed up to be able to be around whatever degree of messed up he is.

That's just the truth.

I am still scared about how my husband is taking this news -- and his lack of tendency to reach out to help by calling a friend or his sponsor.

My mind pictures him bawling in the hotel room in the fetal position -- eyes all red and him just hating himself more and more and more like he's already told me he hates himself.

So sad!

I am tempted to call his sponsor and tell him that I just told my husband this news and that I'm worried about him...

But that is just meddling where I ought not to be meddling too.

<deep breath>

All I can do is meditate.

Turn my husband over to our Higher Power.

Breathe.

Ask for forgiveness for anything I have done in self-will.

Read my al anon books on fear, and faith and courage.

I was not trying to hurt him. I was being very loving and kind as I told him that I needed 2 months...

I can not control how he takes that information.

I can not control how he feels about it or what he does.

Dear God,

Please guide my husband tonight and let him feel Your presence with him.

Thank you for letting me rest in Your loving care. I am willing to receive Your support. Thank you for removing the guilt that is attempting to move into my being so that I can feel peace and ease. I am ready to receive Your strength.

Yours,

Shinebright

Lily1918

hugs to you. I don't know what to say to encourage you, but I know my HP tells me that all things will work for good for anyone and everyone who loves him.

Ann

Wow, that was quite a night of "what if'ing". What if he went to bed and got a good night's rest? What if he didn't think about killing himself at all?

You had a terrible night and called people at 1 am? That would have not gotten a good response from me either.

But now it's a new day...you had a terrible night, so what are you going to do about it today in the daylight when meetings are happening and people are available to talk to? NOW is the time to do something for yourself. Find a meeting and go. Call your sponsor and meet for coffee...in the daytime.

You don't have to sit in the darkness of fear all night. YOU have a choice and can find help for yourself.

Sweetie, I've been there and all that darkness and fear is of our own making when we live in the "what if's".

What if you found a meeting today? What if you talked to a support person and made a better plan for nights when you are calling people at 1 am?

I am betting today can make tonight better...if you choose to do something about it.

Hugs

shinebright7

There's a meeting in an hour so I'm going to that.

My sponsor can't meet bc she's going to a funeral and then work.

I'll ask someone else out for tea.

Honestly that's what I thought a phone list was for that said they would take night calls. I didn't mean to do something inappropriate.

I did have a terrible night and I needed help.

The woman I called at 1 am is usually at this morning's meeting so I will apologize again to her.

There could be a lot of other what ifs that happened. They just don't seem likely given what I have experienced with my husband.

I don't feel much better yet after having slept.

My mind is still scared. And my people pleasing disease is flared up. At the very least he is really upset with me and I really hate feeling that. Makes me feel 8 years old again.

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AnvilheadII

i'd strongly suggest NOT attempting to have any meaningful conversations via TEXT. those should be conducted in person or at the very least via phone - not email, facebook or tweets. IMHO, it demeans the "relationship" and leaves entirely too much up to conjecture.

as it stands ALL you know is that he stopped responding cuz he did not appreciate it when you said NO.

and if ever you are concerned that someone may harm themselves, call 911.

shinebright7

More things I'm doing wrong. Ugh. I feel so awful about what I did. :-(

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shinebright7

I intended to tell him in person. I went to his work last night when I thought he might be getting off so I could drive him to his hotel (it was raining) and we could talk.

But when I got here he was already on the sidewalk with his friend who he apparently had called to come give him a ride so I left.

I should have called him last night when we started talking about it I guess, but I was scared and felt more comfortable texting. Ugh.

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LoveMeNow

We have some people on our call list who don't mind taking calls late at night. Night time was scary for me too. I tried to remember HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) was probably behind many of my fears.

I think it's all a learning process. It took a longggg time (ask Ann, lol) for me to stop worrying about tomorrow, living in fear, and the what ifs.

Someday, someone new to recovery may call you late at night and you can give back. I wouldn't be too hard on myself. You are doing so great in such a short time. Be proud of your accomplishments and let go of all the rest.

P.S. When I was separated from my husband, he was also living in a hotel. I also went there for the night a few times. For me, it was a huge mistake. It made me relapse all over the place. Picture a fish on land....flip flopping all over the place. That was me.

suki44883

He is an adult. He knows how to take care of himself. He was able to arrange a ride last night without your help. There is nothing you can do for him. Concentrate on taking care of yourself.

Hammer

shinebright7 -- let me "share" something with you that a pretty smart person has in their signature line . . . .

I love God. I love myself. I love my husband.

Mighty impressive, I have to tell you. Not only do you EVERYTHING in there . . . You have it in the RIGHT ORDER. A+ A+ A+.

Lucky guy you have in that regard.

===============


Remember -- when you/I/we Turn Things Over to God . . . you do not get to keep taking them back. Well, you can, but then God is not going to get do what you need God to do because you keep messing with it.

And do not worry about whether you are doing anything/everything perfect. Aint no perfect in recovery. Just making it through recovering is hard enough. Progress -- not Perfection, as the Long-Timers say.

TabulaRasa81

You didn't do or say anything wrong in my opinion, There was no need to apologize for saying no to him. I feel the exact same way sometimes.....like the night my ah went missing from the car he was sleeping and left goodbye notes to everyone on the dash. I called 911, was up all nite thinking he was dead on my son's first birthday, and had to talk to the police several times too see if I knew of any places he might go....
He was fast asleep, across the street...in a warm place; someone had invited him in. He was fine......I was a wreck....Does that seem fair? It's not.....don't let your fears get the best of you...because ultimately you cant change or control what he does, or what will happen to him. THE END!

zoso77

Shinebright...

When the subject of suicidal ideation comes up, my default opinion is generally SI is the cruelest, most sadistic form of manipulation. That doesn't mean that the addict isn't depressed, or isn't thinking about suicide. But SI is the addict's ultimate trump card, in my view, because it changes the subject from the addict behaving poorly to "I'm gonna kill myself", playing on and manipulating the fear of their loved ones.

I highlighted this part of your post because, in my view, it illustrates your AH's lack of self awareness. What's implicit in his line of questioning is it shouldn't matter that he behaves poorly or behaves in a way that undercuts the marriage. You should love him and stick by him, no matter what.

And I'm sorry, but this is bullsh*t. Complete, unmitigated, unfiltered bullsh*t, the speciality of an addict who refuses to hold themselves accountable for their poor choices and destructive tendencies.

If your AH threatens suicide, all you can do is call 911 on him.

ZoSo

Hammer

Yeah, probably true dat.

Instead, I called her mom . . .

Long (long, long, twisted) story after that . . . but I wound up in Alanon, and she wound up in rehab.

I guess everything wound up where it should be -- but what a white-knuckle Roller Coaster ride.

================

btw, zoso -- thanks for the rest of your perspective(s), as well.

Really cuts through the crap like a laser.

shinebright7

Thank you ALL. I appreciate you chiming in with your experience, strength, and hope.

I am doing much better after a meeting this morning, lunch with one of the Al Anons, a talk with my long distance Al Anon friend, and a 3 hour nap.

Boy, did I need that!

Where I'm at with things now is like this:

- I have to get off my own back. I did the best I could last night and I am not perfect. Progress not perfection as someone mentioned above.

- My husband's addiction is alive in him in the -ism form. To my knowledge he is still clean, but the -isms are running rampant.

- He was all lovey dovey in his texts with me earlier in the day and then when I said 2 more months, he turned on me. This shows me that he is just being lovey because he's trying to manipulate me to get back into the house.

- Today's meeting was on step 6 (were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.) and the slogan that kept coming up in relation to it with the readings was Let Go and Let God. I MUST LET GO. It's like okay SB7....Let Go or DIE!
That's how it's feeling kind of right now. I get so emotionally wound up and tangled that I feel crazy and sick and exhausted. I can not keep doing that to myself. I MUST LET GO.

My long distance Al Anon friend suggested I pray for relief from my obsession. Something about that just sounded sooooo good. I DO want relief. I need relief. So I am ready and willing for my HP to remove the character defect of obsession from me so I can experience the relief that is there waiting for me.

Zoso - What you said about the suicidal ideation being among the most selfish and cruel -- I see that more clearly now. He didn't tell me last night in the text that he was thinking about that, but the night that I caught him in the house because he broke in with a locksmith, he was crying and panicking. He'd been out of the house a week and was losing it. He told me he'd been sitting in the hotel room "fantasizing" about taking the rest of his money and going to CA and hanging himself off a lifeguard stand at the beach. Ugh. At the time, he was so broken down and sincere sounding when he said that he wasn't telling me that to scare me, but just to let me know how dark his mind goes with things and he was wanting me to help him not go there.

I see that I can not help him not go there. And I can't take responsibility for the possibility of his mind going there and him going along with it. <deep breath>

And yes, my husband does think that NO MATTER WHAT he does, I should be there for him and love and accept him and be with him. He is VERY lacking in self-awareness right now. I told him that the fact that he doesn't get why I need these 2 months is part of why I need these two months.

Hammer -Thanks for reminding me of my signature line. I needed the reminder of the importance of those things being in the right order! Sometimes I reverse it and delete a few making it be just HUSBAND. period. No God. No me. So that was sweet that you brought that up for me again. Thank you.

Tabula - thanks for sharing your story. Now that I'm feeling calmer, I don't really think he is dead in his hotel room right now. Though he may be wanting me to worry about him because he is trying to manipulate me to come running after him like ZoSo pointed out -- one of the ultimate manipulation moves being to threaten or allude to suicidal tendencies. So I am just not going there. I'm not going to rush over to his hotel room. I'm not going to call his friend to tell him to check up on him. I'm not going to call the hotel room and hang up if he answers. I'm not going to stake out in his work parking lot to see if he shows up. I have made a clean break right now. My additional 2 months has started! I need to savor every moment of them and make the most of them in terms of healing myself because I feel SOOOO messed up and I really need my sanity back.

LMN - Your flopping fish imagery after staying in his hotel room made me laugh! Thank you. I will not be doing THAT again because it really did mess with my head and heart so much. Was an incredibly passionate afternoon, but the emotional upheaval that followed? Absolutely NOT worth it.

Suki, Ann, Anvil and all readers -- Thank you again for being here with me.

This too shall pass and it will get better!

I'm already feeling better and less obsessive.

Going to another meeting tonight. xo

zoso77

Shinebright...

The frustrating thing about all of this is you still have to take the threat seriously. Please keep in mind that it is likely he's in a lot of anguish, but at the same time, he's a very, very sick guy and will attempt to manipulate anyone and everyone.

So, as I mentioned, if he threatens it, call 911. No games...

Hang in there.

ZoSo

shinebright7

Thanks, ZoSo. I will call 911 for sure if he starts threatening that.

Lily1918

best case scenario if you do that then he learns not to make an idle threat like that right?

shinebright7

Yeah, good point, Lily. If he were to hint at that and then I tell the cops to go to his hotel room and he wasn't really going to act on it, he would be thoroughly humiliated and maybe learn not to mess around with talk like that. Thanks for the added encouragement to just do the next right thing if that situation comes up.

ShootingStar1

Shinebright, sometimes an organization like the Samaritans have a phone line that is open all night, and they probably would be glad to talk to you since they're there, available, anyway.

I think you may be making it harder for yourself by putting a time limit on how long you need to be living apart from him. Why, for instance, 2 months? Why not 3 or 9? All the time designation does is make you focus on whether you will be ready to see him, not see him, live with him, not live with him, in a certain amount of time.

I think that diverts from the real issue which is going through your recovery as completely and as focused as you can be. Because, the farther you get in your recovery, the more clearly you will see what the most useful next step is.

You just can't see that far now, no one can. And leaving the "what will happen next" question to sort it out when it is time to sort it out will also let him concentrate on his recovery, or not.

ShootingStar1

Impurrfect

((Shinebright)) - When I was still using, I did threaten to "just KILL myself". Honestly? I was trying to manipulate my dad, though I didn't know it at the time. I was in a jail booking area and I didn't want to be locked up. Poor me (WRONG!!!!)

On the other side of the fence, when my now XABF tried that with me? I let him have it, but TBH, it was from a point of recovery. He didn't threaten to kill himself (he was in jail and had his mom 3-way call me) but he was definitely trying to manipulate me.

I would call 911, in a heartbeat, if anyone were to threaten suicide because I'm not only an RA, I used to be a nurse and that's just what I do.

My XABF did eventually die from his addiction. I was sad, but I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, I could not have stopped it. Had I been with him? Well, I'd still have been using, a major codependent and *I* would be in jail or dead.

At some point, we have to believe that WE are valuable. WE deserve life. WE can only do so much.

I am NOT saying your husband will die. I AM saying that you are responsible for you, and you only.

For me? I never stopped loving him, but I did learn to detach (thanks to everyone here) and let him do him. He chose his path, I chose mine...as an RA AND a codie.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy