Worried my husband will try to take his life...

Old 05-03-2013, 06:17 PM
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I have had a few of those nights. Home loving cuddling and I wake up at 2 AM and he is gone…no notes, phone and car gone…not answering my calls, texts nothing…I would panic all any and everyone at 2AM.. even those with small kids and finally when the sun comes up he is walking in saying he was just out driving around needing air…another time same 12 hours no respond then SUIDIAL THREATHS me panicking calling his mother cops sending APB out on him statewide where is he…….at the freaking park with friends then I am the bad guy for trying to help him
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Old 05-03-2013, 06:40 PM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
Shinebright, sometimes an organization like the Samaritans have a phone line that is open all night, and they probably would be glad to talk to you since they're there, available, anyway.

I think you may be making it harder for yourself by putting a time limit on how long you need to be living apart from him. Why, for instance, 2 months? Why not 3 or 9? All the time designation does is make you focus on whether you will be ready to see him, not see him, live with him, not live with him, in a certain amount of time.

I think that diverts from the real issue which is going through your recovery as completely and as focused as you can be. Because, the farther you get in your recovery, the more clearly you will see what the most useful next step is.

You just can't see that far now, no one can. And leaving the "what will happen next" question to sort it out when it is time to sort it out will also let him concentrate on his recovery, or not.

ShootingStar1

Great point Shootingstar

Shinebright, I did the same thing. Heck, I even put one on him. lol. When I finally stopped doing it, so much stress and pressure was relieved. I FINALLY learned to live in today and it is such a happier place to be. The time limit had me future tripping like "a fish out of water.'
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Old 05-05-2013, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
I think you may be making it harder for yourself by putting a time limit on how long you need to be living apart from him. Why, for instance, 2 months? Why not 3 or 9? All the time designation does is make you focus on whether you will be ready to see him, not see him, live with him, not live with him, in a certain amount of time.

I think that diverts from the real issue which is going through your recovery as completely and as focused as you can be. Because, the farther you get in your recovery, the more clearly you will see what the most useful next step is.

You just can't see that far now, no one can. And leaving the "what will happen next" question to sort it out when it is time to sort it out will also let him concentrate on his recovery, or not.

ShootingStar1
Hi Shootingstar --

I felt like I needed a time frame just to give myself some space. Like a container. I suppose I could have just said I don't know when I want to talk to you again or see you or when you can come back home, but we just have to stop contact right now. Indefinitely.

When I meditated and sat with it, 2 months just felt right for me to have some space and then for us to be able to check in again.

I have to trust that it is okay -- and I hope I'm able to make use of the space I've carved out for myself now.

I'm still having to work with turning my husband over to God instead of worrying that he's dead in his hotel room.

His one friend who knows what he's going through right now and that he's out of the house, came to a picnic that I was at yesterday and said, "Where's X? He said he was going to be here." I shook my head no.

Originally, I was planning on taking him to the picnic, but after Thursday it changed. It concerned me that he did not call his friend to tell him about the 2 month thing and gave me more fodder for the nightmare of him hurting himself that night.

<sigh>

I am continuing to try to redirect my attention to turning my husband over to God. As my sponsor said, it's not that I can tell myself not to think about him. Better that I allow myself to think about him if I'm going to, but that I think of him with love and turn him over to my Higher Power over and over and over.

<tears>

I am not doing well. I feel like I am messing everything up.

I'm going to go to call my GP on Monday and see about getting an appointment for an anti-depressant.

I took one several years ago for 1 year and it made a huge difference in raising my "base line" again so I could have my head above water. Maybe that would help me again now. My physical health is suffering and I feel like I'm drowning.
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Old 05-05-2013, 12:06 PM
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I know how terrifying it can be to have someone tell you they are going to commit suicide. My ex AH did it and now my AS.

My AS is in a relationship where i had to call the police to stop her harrassment. They fight, he cuts himself and threatens suicide.

I called the police and when they talked to him he said he was not suicidal, or homeless. Then he starts posting on FB about suicidal thoughts. I called clinics and found numbers to give to him. He said he was going - never did.

I finally drew the line in the sand and my AS became nasty and went NC. I have talked with a counselor and I realize while my son may actually commit suicide, on purpose or not, all of my worrying will not help.

I actually talked with an EMT and he said the myth that is they tell you they are suicidal they will not do it is not true. The one fact is that if they want to there is nothing you can do to stop them.

I agree it is the ultimate horrible way of manipulation and my advice is the same - call 911 and report it.

(((huggs)))
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Old 05-05-2013, 12:09 PM
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Putting my mind at ease by telling myself that if he WERE dead in his hotel room, someone would have found him by now and they would have found his ID card with his address on it and they would have come here knocking to see if there was anyone they needed to tell. He wears his wedding ring...

So I'm choosing to tell myself that he is NOT dead.

And I have to pick myself up and LIVE and LET LIVE.

<huge exhale>

I'm also going to get out of the house now and go to my meditation group.

Also, my friend just texted me that she got my voice mail about borrowing some money, and she said of course...so that takes a big load off my mind too.

COURAGE to change the things I can.

Like my clothes so I can go outside. ;-)
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Old 05-05-2013, 12:12 PM
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Thank you HELPME --- he did not tell me the other night that he was going to kill himself. I just know that he has had suicidal thoughts in the past and has thought about it within the last two weeks.

When I told him TH night that I wanted two more months with him out of the house, he stopped responding to my texts and my mind jumped to the worst. But he had not threatened it or said anything about it that night.

If he ever talks about it again, I will definitely call 911.

So sorry you went through that with your dear son. Hugs back.
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Old 05-05-2013, 12:27 PM
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You did your best. And that was great. There is a lot to learn from the forum here. Many people posted that you do what you can today when there are meetings and more people available.

I see you have done that. Good for you.

Meeting with other people F2F also helps them too! You can be a shining beacon of recovery!

You love your husband, and need to do what is best for you.
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Old 05-05-2013, 03:13 PM
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Hi Shine.

I completely understand your needing time, and I think you need to take whatever time is necessary for your needs.

What I might suggest is giving some thought to some structured time with your husband, perhaps in a situation like marriage counseling. My husband and I did this when he was in early recovery, and it was actually beneficial to us as a couple, but also it helped each of us individually. It brings out things that are directly related to each of us, and causes us to look within... figure things out.. in our case it made me realize things about myself that I wasnt truly aware of. But then I could dig into them and I found it led to other issues I was already aware of within myself... if that makes sense

It is also a good way to gage your partners recovery, their mindset and get an idea of how it would work out when your living together again.

Anyway just a thought, if not for now.. maybe for later..
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Old 05-05-2013, 09:06 PM
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He is alive.

He just texted me to say that he has some money to give me bc he knows we have bills that are due.

Grateful.

<sigh>

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Old 05-05-2013, 09:48 PM
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Allfor - structured time like you describe makes sense...thank you.

I see that I am so nervous to have anything to do with him right now. It feels sooo weird and unnatural to feel that way too.

Like I texted him back telling him thank you re: the money and pls leave it at the front desk at his hotel so i can pick it up.

Was thinking he would say okay. And then we stop talking.

Instead he asks what the money situation is and which bill is due next -- and instead of seeing him as wanting to help, I feel scared about getting into any conversation with him so I just say:

I'm borrowing some money. If you want to contribute some money great. Let me know when it is at the front desk. If not okay. But I can't talk about this all with you right now.

Then he stopped texting me again.

So ----

What I learned here.

I don't want to talk to him about anything. Even money that he's trying to help out with.

If I could do it over I would either not respond at all ... Or I would say, "I am fine. Please don't contact me about money or anything else. Thank you I love you. "

I feel even an inch of contact with him is not good for me right now -- even when it sounds sane like him offering money for our bills.

If he really wanted me to have money, he could give it to a friend and they could give it to me. He could mail it to me. Or he could give it to his sponsor to give to me.

Instead he texted me about it -- to engage with me and I just fell for it because it sounded so sane, responsible and "changed" of him.

He may have been well intentioned, but this is where I am with not really trusting him.

Yuck. It is so awful to worry about everything my husband does as a potential manipulation.

But that's where things are right now - it's okay.

I am grateful he stopped texting me when I said I can't talk about it anymore.

Sending love and learning more about myself as much as I can stand.

I need to be careful of my serenity. And I'm glad I backed out of the conversation as soon as I realized I was feeling off. That's a big step for me.

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