dessyflash

As I sit here refitting a costume for a show I'm dancing in tomorrow, I decided to share some good things going for me right now.

So I came home from work this morning and was pleasantly surprised to find my husband watching a calculus lecture offered free online by MIT as part of his preparation to return to school in the fall. He seemed down but that's not really unusual- he's experiencing the anhedonia recently that so many recovering addicts have to face as part of the process. He also had an underlying depression before he started using that he will need to deal with. I went to sleep and when I woke up, he seemed to be a bit more cheerful. He asked if we could go get some food because he was really hungry. I told him that was fine but reminded him that we had to take the car to get the oil changed at 4. This didn't leave us a lot of time but I figured we could at least get something quick to tide him over until we could prepare a bigger meal.
Backing up a bit, I told him Sunday that we needed to cut back on expenses until my next paycheck. I had spent a bit too much entertaining my brother who visited over the weekend and had also forgotten to figure in the costs of the dance workshops I'm taking Saturday. As he's not working at the moment, I pay all of the bills right now, but I refuse to allow myself to let dance go again. That was something I did far too much in the past few years because he kept needing to borrow money for various reasons (all to secretly support his habit of course). My spending my own money on my hobby is one of my ways I'm taking care of myself, but on weekends when I have an event it does usually mean fewer extras in other areas.

When I had finished getting ready he was sitting on the stairs slumped over and I immediately knew he had lapsed back into his depressed state.
My husband, like many addicts, are hugely affected by their meal intake (or lack thereof) and blood sugar levels. He's not a diabetic, but when his sugar falls, he goes to a really bad place mentally... I've actually read a ton of research suggesting that unstable blood sugar levels are one of the big contributing factors that leads to addiction. Until very recently I'd get very scared whenever I knew he was hungry and was essentially refusing to eat for whatever reason. It's a bad habit he's had since childhood where he and his sister were both made to feel guilty whenever they expressed hunger growing up, because money was very limited and his mom didn't know how to keep her priorities straight. Not eating=more money. It's also a self-punishing mechanism. But I just bit my tongue and reminded myself that he's a big boy and that he knows very well what not eating will do to him.
When we got home he remarked, "You can't eat anything over at (nearby local restaurant that serves mainly pub food)." I'm on a gluten and dairy free diet for health reasons, but I can usually find something on most menus and the food over there isn't too pricey.
We got over there and sat down. There were a lot of people around us drinking. Yes, he still has 1-2 drinks with a meal once in awhile, and yes, I've paid for those drinks. However I decided that there will be no more alcohol and have told him this. Don't know how, but I'm pretty sure I read his mind- "I'm going to have a beer." I said, "Now, just so you know, no drinks or anything like that." He immediately got *very* angry and said, "I'm leaving!" I asked him what had him so upset and he said, "You didn't have to tell me that! I already know I'm not drinking tonight! I can't do this right now anyway," gesturing to all the people, "and I'm just going to go home and go to sleep." I shrugged and we walked back to our building. He was obviously very irritable and I told him that he'd feel better if he ate *something.* He said, "I know, but I don't want to feel better. I guess I just want to punish myself and hurt. I don't deserve to eat out, it's a waste of your money, I don't contribute anything! All I do is sit around and wait for someone to call to interview me!" He then threw himself on the bed and lamented, "I don't care about anything! I don't even want anything for MYSELF! I'm not interested in ANYTHING AND I HATE THIS!"
I managed to hold myself back from trying to comfort him, even though this is the kind of attitude that's going to set him up for a relapse. I shouldn't even have said this much, but I did say, "You probably haven't been working your program as much as you're supposed to." He just said, "No *****. It's pointless. I'd stab myself but I don't have the guts. Just leave me alone." And buried his head in his pillow so he could feel sorry for himself, maybe expecting me to give me his attention. But there was nothing I could do that would make any positive difference and I knew it.
I just quietly said I was going across the street to get some things that I needed and did so. When I got back he was watching TV on my computer. There's been very little interaction between us since then and I've been able to focus on my tasks- preparing for the show and dancing, something I enjoy.

It's very hard to stand back and let him hurt without trying to offer any consolation, but I know that he has to fight this demon alone. This is one of the first times I've successfully just let him be with his pain. Just mentally connecting with my higher power and saying, "do what you will" made me feel much better about it. I'm still praying that he will snap out of it like he usually does though. Wish I could have just gone to a meeting but there's just too much to do tonight. Can't help but wonder if he's sensing the changes I'm making to myself and is subconsciously or consciously rebelling against it, wanting to reinstate the status quo. I'm going to dance well tomorrow and will be happy- slowly but surely I'm getting stronger and better. So glad I found this place. It's been a God send, being able to read the stories and take in the wisdom of others. Much love. <3

dessyflash

So he's still mad about last night and is giving me the silent treatment as well as refusing to come see me in the show tonight. This morning he blew up for a minute after I got into bed and said, "I just wanted to have dinner with you because I hadn't seen you in three days (work rotation), but no, you had to slip it in there that we weren't drinking as if I were a stupid child. So instead I'm just going to not eat anything and see how long I can go." I didn't react at all except to say that I thought I saw him looking at the drink menu (which was true, forgot to mention that before) when he really hadn't been, and that I'd had to remind him in the past not to get any drinks because otherwise he'd just go ahead and order one; he had never reacted that way before. He didn't respond. Later after I woke up, I slipped for a minute and begged for him to talk to me, but then stopped and said, "You know what, it's okay. I'll leave you alone." Then I went about my business of getting ready. It's disheartening that he won't come when he knows it would mean a lot to me, but I won't let it ruin my night. Many friends will be there to watch and that's more than enough. I'm okay, and that makes me feel good.

atj9699

Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket...