lilyB2013

Hey everyone.

I haven't been on the forums lately-- visited family and friends hundreds of miles away from the AXBF and it was a really healing experience. I'm glad I went- I came back resolute to take care of myself even if I'm still having to live with this active addict. I found that at every retelling of my situation, the more ridiculous it sounded... a realization.

I'm more determined than ever to get a new job, find a new apartment, and escape the insanity. I feel generally really good about myself. I've even started trying to let go of all my guilt-- heck, even accepted an invitation to go out for a meal with a guy I've always secretly been attracted to! (I would have never done that before)- progress!

Been back 3 days-- haven't talked to the AXBF for more than 5 minutes each of those days... Every time he would try and start a fight and I did my best to refuse to acknowledge his hissy fit. I feel powerful and strong when I decide to say "When you want to talk like an adult, we can talk and have a conversation. If you want to keep trying to start a fight, good night and please close the door."

The sentence is surprisingly simple, yet...

I sobbed last night for the first time in weeks. I thought I wanted to cry, I let myself cry, and just did it.

As I write this right now, I am fighting the urge to text message him just to see how he's doing. I'm happy that I chose to write here than to indulge in my codependence.

I know how he's doing: still lying to me, still refusing to take responsibility, still doing drugs and my time away has changed nothing. I didn't expect it to, but the more rational I am, the more bizarre his situation is to me.

Wow. I'm going to always love a man who stole from me, lied to me, cheated on me, and did heavy drugs behind my back. It's like a bad soap opera! It doesn't feel like my life. How did I get here?

I'm not sad so much anymore, I just shake my head at it. Wow, wow, wow.

I don't admit it to very many people personally, but I'm starting to feel joy at the prospect of a happy future. My heart is starting to smile, finally.

shinebright7

Thank you so much for sharing your experience here. You seem to be a few emotional steps ahead of me and I'm grateful to read of your hopeful outlook. I too am starting to get the excitement back regarding getting back into work and reconnecting with my apartment and letting myself love it, and just loving my life again...so I can relate to what you wrote about that too.

Appreciating the recognition in what you wrote that I can eventually feel that hopeful about my future too. Thank you for sharing and welcome back! xo

lilyB2013

Emotional steps ahead of you- perhaps, but I still slip with looking at old pictures and making myself sad again. It's definitely an uphill battle- I'm right there with you.

I still feel guilty sometimes for feeling hope... Every time I feel AMAZING about my future, I sink back down... I'm trying to stay positive.

I actually wanted to share my Recovery Anthem (for those of us who are musically inclined...!)

Florence and the Machine - Shake it Out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYAi0utVmBo

I hated the song the first time I heard it-- I resented the lyrics, felt like it mocked me. I would listen and then cry out of sheer sadness and hopelessness. Now when I listen to it, I'm sad but its all so true for me. I sing it to myself with all my heart and now, with a hint of a smile on my lips:

"It's hard to dance with a devil on your back."<<--- THIS. This times a million.

And I intend to dance the f*** out of my life.

shinebright7

Awesome -- loving listening to that song again right now! Giving me chills.

lilyB2013

Love me some Florence.

"Why the hell am I going to let this happen to ME?!"<<-- just about screamed that out. It's such an empowering line- and I could have never said that a month or two ago, I would have collapsed into tears. Screw that. No. I refuse to let his addiction and its consequences happen to ME. I love him, but I REFUSE.

lesliej

hi lily...that was my anthem too, still is...her belting it out helped me as he moved out...and started the process of setting me free from that devil

lilyB2013

I'm happy to hear that that song has really resonated with so many people. It's sort of a personal message, you know? Even a mantra for the soul, convincing yourself that you can indeed dance and be happy in your world-- that "dragging that horse around" isn't what we're meant to do, to have that burden our aspirations, our goals, or our happiness.

I can't picture myself dragging around the "horse" of my AXBF's illness--- I'm young! I'm 26! I can't carry it-- not anymore. YEARS of this I've carried him and I'm yearning for the moment when I can be free of his demons and be grateful, thankful, and not guilty about being alive and being HAPPY. I'm tired about being guilty for being HAPPY- I deserve to be happy more than anything.

wiscsober

Thank you...we live in the solution!

broken101

[QUOTE=

Wow. I'm going to always love a man who stole from me, lied to me, cheated on me, and did heavy drugs behind my back. It's like a bad soap opera! It doesn't feel like my life. How did I get here?

I wonder the same to over and over, but I am as much to blame as he is becuase even after seeing all the red flag I choose to stay, it was my choice no one forced me to stay with him it is what it is and I am grateful he decided it was best for us to go our seprate ways.

zoso77

There were two songs that helped get me through the early days of the breakup with my AXGF.

One was Warrant's "I Saw Red". The other was Sister Hazel's "Thank You". And the latter nailed what I was thinking and feeling:

You were the one that taught me what I don't need
And I thank you, I thank you for that.
You were the one that brought me to my senses
And I thank you, now just leave me alone

Lara

Beautifully written - I hope you find peace and remind yourself of this place - how you are feeling now - strong and enlightened... remember this feeling - for there will be times, many times, when you just want to pick up the phone.... God bless you

lilyB2013

I completely understand. Even from the very beginning I knew this would be a trying relationship--- and I purposefully minimized the severity of all that was happening in my life. How stupid I was... But I forgive myself. I was in love- still am- but I'm ready to move on without him.

lilyB2013

Thanks for the great music recs. I made up a Spotify playlist to listen to when I'm running around and if I feel like I'm having a moment of sadness. I'll definitely be adding both songs to it. The Sister Hazel song hits so close to home it's scary!