Vale

we want to believe they love us and use drugs... imho... no. They love drugs and use us.

Lily- I cut this quote of yours out to paste it.......on my way down the scroll I saw it pasted 4 times!!!!!
(sorry----it is such gold,it bears a fifth pasting!)

Thank You!

shinebright7

Yeah this thing that Lily said about them loving drugs and using us...

I'm really thinking about that a lot now...

And I'm getting how much my husband loves drugs.

Like how I wrote about him making jokes about drugs and quoting from drug movies and talking about the musicians who did drugs, and remembering acid trips...

It's all like the same way I've talked about him when I was falling in love with him and how that was so much of what I was thinking about all the time and wanting to talk about with my friends...

I loved him and he was on my mind...so that's what I talked about.

He loves drugs and they are on his mind...so that's what he talked about.

He tried not to, but it just bubbled out because he's an addict and loves his drugs.

Wow. Very humbling.

And sobering for me to get up to speed with reality here:

My husband loves drugs. They were his first love. I am secondary.

peacedove

shine, my ex was much, much like yours with his never satisfied. here's what's nuts--i am/was naturally content when we met. just happy. with me. with life. sure, i was like any divorced gal who thought "maybe one day" but i was ok. i wasn't/still am not/now i'm seriously NOT trying to just get married. so i was content. but we met and it all changed from there.
anyway, it was always talk of past, talk and listening to alternative music in the car(when the screeching started i would hold my head), always having to be busy or with people or doing something, something, something social or out and about, always talk of bands that were "sooooooo cooooooool" and i would joke "hon, we're 44, coooooool is what the kids will be saying soon"...yet when the kids were with us he was solid, mature, etc...it was all so back and forth all the time. kids with us=normal. no kids with us=weirdness. not from the get go but more like this at the end. and then there was THE END.
anyway, to make it very clear to you. the last time i saw him and he was dismissing me...of course i was crying and i looked him straight in the eyes and said 'WHY can't you be happy? Look at what we have here. A new home. Two beautiful boys. We love each other. We're getting married next year. We have a family. The family we've both always wanted!" He looked right at me and said "THIS is boring" as he waved his hand around the den. I said "We are boring? Your family is boring? Our home is boring?" He said "YES you are boring." This is why I say yeah, I am boring compared to booze and drugs, I guess. He now says he never said this at all. It never happened.
I was there. My heart fell out that night. I know. I'll never forget either. Forgive? yes. Forget? No.
My ex will always be chasing whatever he is chasing in his mind until the day he isn't.

zoso77

That's simply untrue.

You choose to live a sane life. You choose what is acceptable behavior and what isn't. And whether you realize it or not, by not allowing your husband to come home, you're choosing sanity over chaos. There's nothing miraculous about that choice.

As far as losing hope goes, please don't.

We never really know what's going to come around the bend. And I don't want you to make the mistake of believing the only way you can and will ever be happy is with your husband, because that's simply untrue. The only thing you can do is do your best to cope and get by, one moment at a time. It's not going to be easy. But you deserve a lot of credit by throwing him out and not tolerating his act. That took courage and conviction...you did what I failed to do when I had multiple chances.

So build on your courage and your convictions, a moment at a time...

ZoSo

shinebright7

Wow, thank you for sharing more of your experience. It helps me to hear the similarities.

My husband is always talking about the past and the good ol' days when he lived somewhere else, or was doing something else, and how he hopes the future will include x,y, z thing that we don't currently have.

Like you described about yourself...I am a very contented person. I was so happy in my life doing my own thing when he and I got together. I was not looking for a relationship or feeling lacking because I didn't have a relationship. It was like the last thing on my mind, really.

I was just so groovin' along happily...and then in comes this amazing gorgous man back into my life and the moment I saw him I KNEW that was it. It was a love at first sight moment.

We had met 13 years prior and been attracted to each other, but only were in each other's space for an evening and a bit the next day before we had to go our separate ways...

But he always carried me in his heart from that point on. Thinking of me, wanting to get in touch with me, meeting up with me even when I was with another guy at one point...

And so many years would pass in between...until 2011 when he found me on FB and I was single again and we started talking briefly. Then he came here to visit.

I had no intention of exploring a relationship with him. He had other things he wanted to do and see in this city too, but when I picked him up from the airport, like I said..as soon as I saw him, that was it. Instant connection. Instant knowing that I was going to be with him for the rest of the my life. Weird weird weird experience and hard to explain.

So in one moment I was my contented happy self, and in the next moment, I had a life partner. That's what I knew deep inside myself before he even got in the car.

Then as time went on I slowly started to lose myself. My negative attributes came out. I started being very codependent without even realizing it until WHAM-O...8 months into our marriage I'm in an Al Anon meeting crying.

Yikes!

I don't know what my point of sharing all that was...I guess just to share it because I'm retracing my experiences with all of this. And to say again that I appreciate hearing the similarities in our stories. Thank you. xo

shinebright7

Thanks, ZoSo. I think when I wrote that I was feeling so hopeless and forgetting the part of the serenity prayer: God grant me the courage to change the things I can.

That I am not totally helpless.

I was thinking about step 2 (which I'm currently focusing on) "coming to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity..."

But like you pointed out, I was not giving myself credit for the things that I can do and HAVE done to help me experience sanity.

Thank you for that reminder. I can see it better now that I am not feeling so sad and discouraged.

I know my Higher Power and I are working as a team here and that makes me feel really good too.

Vale

powerful stuff.............

terryr97

My feelings exactly. I keep trying to seperate but I cant seem to let go. Im working hard on it every day, though.

terryr97

Amazing how that happens, huh? This happened to me, too. One minute I was alone and happy, living life. The next, I'm exactly like you described. Yikes indeed!

AnvilheadII

I had no intention of exploring a relationship with him. He had other things he wanted to do and see in this city too, but when I picked him up from the airport, like I said..as soon as I saw him, that was it. Instant connection. Instant knowing that I was going to be with him for the rest of the my life. Weird weird weird experience and hard to explain.

when you are ready, i suggest you take a good hard detached look at the above as it pertains to what was going on WITH YOU at the subconscious level that prompted you to decide INSTANTLY with absolute minimal knowledge or exposure to this person that HE was THE ONE. that decision making process had almost NOTHING to do with HIM, it all happened in YOUR internal landscape.

shinebright7

Yes, Anvil -- I see that it did happen within me with very limited knowledge of him. I just automatically accepted everything about him as if he could do no wrong and I was an unconditional love machine. I couldn't even stop myself and there was never a doubt in mind that it was like a cosmic connection.

I'm sure it sounds totally woo-woo from outside of it, and I can see the woo in it from where I am too, but it was also something I just felt at a deep level. Hard to explain as I said earlier.

I was in such a great place in my life - loving everything and being very spiritually connected and feeling the flow of my life in every way and then in comes this guy and I just said YES to his being there like I'd been saying yes to all the other amazing things in my life that resonated with me.

I don't know what to make of that now, though. What would you suggest?

Alone10

Your posts just describe my situation to a tee shinebright7. I'm feeling fed up, tired and drained of all of this too. It's constant lies and sneaking around behind my back from my partner. I'm in my 5th year of a part-time Law degree which I study on an evening, exams coming up but absolutely zero energy to do any revision. I work full-time, I come home and do everything around the house. For the past month, while I thought he's been going out to work everyday, he's actually been going out to score with another girl, spending his money on heroin for him and her, and putting absolutely nothing into our joint account. I've been left struggling to cover all the bills (we're now down to our last £50 in our account, massively less than what's needed to cover everything).

My partner sounds exactly how you describe your husband. He's never happy with life just as it is, always seeking more, some escape which he finds through drugs. As soon as he cuts one drug out of his life, he starts on another one. The slightest crappy day he has, he turns back to the drugs. It's like he just can't find a natural high from life - from the simple things, like a sunny day, like a nice meal out with family, like cuddles on the sofa at the end of a tough day. I think all the drugs have numbed him to all these simple pleasures. He's incapable of feeling any joy from life if he doesn't have any drugs in his system.

This is why I continuously fail to see him ever getting clean. The suboxone can mask the withdrawals, but if he constantly has this need to escape from life and get high, how is he ever going to give it up?

Alone10

Again, my partner is exactly the same. Always talking about this time he took ecstasy and how great it was and how great he felt, and this other time he had this great party and everyone was taking speed. Whenever he talks about his drug stories, it's like his face lights up - like he misses it. He's gone from living in a flat, having the boys around week nights and weekends partying and taking drugs, up till all hours.... to living in a semi-detached house with me, with our lives revolving around domestic chores and the occasional quiet meal out. I think at first he enjoyed it, he was getting tired of the drugs because he'd done it for so long, he was ready to settle down. But now we've been "settled down" (if you can call it that!!) for a while, it's like he's getting bored of that now and he's making his escape through drugs again. It's like there's 2 different conflicting sides to him - one that wants to go straight, and have the house, marriage and kids, and the other who doesn't want to let go of his teenage years of partying (he is a gemini so I guess he definitely fits the typical idea of a gemini!).

It's such hard work. I just wish he would see the joy in what he has instead of seeking more through drugs.