He came and got his stuff while I was gone and of course.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
He came and got his stuff while I was gone and of course.....
Like I posted earlier this week, I had important belongings of my ex's belongings including legal documents he needed to get off probation, his laptop, etc at my house before i left for vacation. I refused to talk to him on the phone and he sent some BS saying he wasn't contacting me about his stuff, just to talk to me, etc. I told him I wouldn't talk to him but I left his belongings on my deck under the grill cover for him to get while I was at work.
Well he came and got them yesterday while I was at work. Of course, didn't leave me ANY of the money he said he owes me. I was pretty angry. He doesn't even get that he ruined at least $500 worth of my personal stuff before I left on vacation, all he said in one of his emails was that he will pay me back for hte $300 airplane ticket I bought that he was going to pay me for before leaving for vacation.
I understand it's not worth calling him for and I refuse to do that but $800 is alot of money. I got really angry at first. The only thing I sent to him in email was "glad to see you got your belongings and thanks for paying me back the money you owe me." Of course, I got no response, eventhough he was blowing up my inbox with emails about "please talk to me, i miss you, bla bla bla earler in the week"
I don't know why I'm surprised. I'm just really upset about the whole thing right now and am trying to shrug it off. I refuse to contact him for the money again. That's probably what he wants. I just need to shrug this off and stop being upset. Not even a "i don't have the money right now but am planning on paying you by X date!" Typical. Funny how they find money to buy drugs.
Well he came and got them yesterday while I was at work. Of course, didn't leave me ANY of the money he said he owes me. I was pretty angry. He doesn't even get that he ruined at least $500 worth of my personal stuff before I left on vacation, all he said in one of his emails was that he will pay me back for hte $300 airplane ticket I bought that he was going to pay me for before leaving for vacation.
I understand it's not worth calling him for and I refuse to do that but $800 is alot of money. I got really angry at first. The only thing I sent to him in email was "glad to see you got your belongings and thanks for paying me back the money you owe me." Of course, I got no response, eventhough he was blowing up my inbox with emails about "please talk to me, i miss you, bla bla bla earler in the week"
I don't know why I'm surprised. I'm just really upset about the whole thing right now and am trying to shrug it off. I refuse to contact him for the money again. That's probably what he wants. I just need to shrug this off and stop being upset. Not even a "i don't have the money right now but am planning on paying you by X date!" Typical. Funny how they find money to buy drugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm sorry, you are correct, $800 is a lot of $$. But you will have a better chance of seeing that $$ if you buy a lottery ticket.
If you can put it out of your head and cut off contacting him now, you will move past this much faster....and any other important items you come across can go right to the trash.
Don't extend yourself for someone who does not appreciate you.
If you can put it out of your head and cut off contacting him now, you will move past this much faster....and any other important items you come across can go right to the trash.
Don't extend yourself for someone who does not appreciate you.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
someone here once did me a huge favor and summed it up for me in one word
MANIPULATION
not that i didn't know the word before but i'd never applied to every single thing a person did before. never needed to. it has helped me tremendously ever since then. in my case, my ex manipulated every single thing to his favor all the time. he is still doing this to this day(not directly to me because of NC)but people are people and they talk so it gets back to me one way or another when i least expect it. just part of it. part of having been involved with an addict. key is to walk away from it, not engage it and let it all go. it just isn't worth it to me. what i will not let go is i am me, i am good, i am not any of the things being said, i am not going to get down in the gutter and play this game and i am going to get through this. somehow, someway, i will get through this. for me.
MANIPULATION
not that i didn't know the word before but i'd never applied to every single thing a person did before. never needed to. it has helped me tremendously ever since then. in my case, my ex manipulated every single thing to his favor all the time. he is still doing this to this day(not directly to me because of NC)but people are people and they talk so it gets back to me one way or another when i least expect it. just part of it. part of having been involved with an addict. key is to walk away from it, not engage it and let it all go. it just isn't worth it to me. what i will not let go is i am me, i am good, i am not any of the things being said, i am not going to get down in the gutter and play this game and i am going to get through this. somehow, someway, i will get through this. for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
I know you are all right! I was just so angry this morning. I did the right thing by giving him all his things because he would have been screwed had I not. All I kept saying to myslef is that I should NOT even have done him that favor. I should have kept his laptop, legal information, documents, etc and said a big F YOU! Because that's what he's doing to me. Urgh.
In the end, I know I am a better person than that. I did the right thing. I gave him a chance while I was NOT home to get his things. He, of course, couldn't even respond. Just giving me more reason to think he's a douche bag. Sorry for the language but it's true.
I know he's manipulating. He's waiting to get an angry reaction because that's what I've done every other time. Guess what, he's not getting it this time. I refuse to ask for it. He can go crawl under the rock from which he came from. Jerk.
In the end, I know I am a better person than that. I did the right thing. I gave him a chance while I was NOT home to get his things. He, of course, couldn't even respond. Just giving me more reason to think he's a douche bag. Sorry for the language but it's true.
I know he's manipulating. He's waiting to get an angry reaction because that's what I've done every other time. Guess what, he's not getting it this time. I refuse to ask for it. He can go crawl under the rock from which he came from. Jerk.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
i know it's hard. it isn't right. it isn't alot of things. the emotions run in all directions, too. one of the things i remember clearly is when my ex did the "ignoring" thing or "not responding" to me thing--it really peeved me--bad thing, in hindsight, was this: i talked to him about it. in a healthy relationship with a healthy partner that is what two people would normally do. they would discuss how things were not right to do to each other and on and on. of course, at the time, i was told "ohh, that's just a defense mechanism i use until i'm ready to talk again." NO. NO and NO. out of everything wrong with that last sentence(much and i agree)what was really wrong was i TOLD him it upset me and...guess what...he did it again and again later on. hindsight is 20/20. i handed him the "key" to something that bothered me and/or hurt me. thank goodness i found this forum. we can vent here, we can discuss our emotions, feelings, doubts and fears plus positives, too. it's better to do it here and get through it, learn and grow and also be educated by others with their advice, opinions and comforting words. also other good places like counseling, etc...whatever works best for the individual.
i'm experiencing different feelings on different days, different times and i guess it will be this way until it isn't. i know it is up to me, i know i want to improve and move on and it takes times to get there or where i need to be. i wish i could rush it but i can't. it's harder than anything i've done before in my life. quite the head job took place. i have to own it though. and i have to be the one to tell myself "GIRL, STOP!! STOP!!" meaning the thoughts of what i thought i had versus what i actually had, the thoughts of what was right or wrong on either persons part...for me it keeps me down too long when i need to be just focused on me. don't get me wrong--i am not successful with all this consistently or guess what?? i wouldn't be here. BUT I am not with the ex and I am not contacting the ex and I am not living a lie anymore either. no excuses and this is better than where i was. in the middle of an addicts world, believing in a future that really was not and putting every bit of my energy on my ex and his children. i was headed nowhere. now i am headed somewhere even if at a snails pace.
hope that helps but understand if it doesn't because we are all so unique and each experience is different.
i'm experiencing different feelings on different days, different times and i guess it will be this way until it isn't. i know it is up to me, i know i want to improve and move on and it takes times to get there or where i need to be. i wish i could rush it but i can't. it's harder than anything i've done before in my life. quite the head job took place. i have to own it though. and i have to be the one to tell myself "GIRL, STOP!! STOP!!" meaning the thoughts of what i thought i had versus what i actually had, the thoughts of what was right or wrong on either persons part...for me it keeps me down too long when i need to be just focused on me. don't get me wrong--i am not successful with all this consistently or guess what?? i wouldn't be here. BUT I am not with the ex and I am not contacting the ex and I am not living a lie anymore either. no excuses and this is better than where i was. in the middle of an addicts world, believing in a future that really was not and putting every bit of my energy on my ex and his children. i was headed nowhere. now i am headed somewhere even if at a snails pace.
hope that helps but understand if it doesn't because we are all so unique and each experience is different.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
reading this again just made me think of something. for those working through getting over and past a "high functioning" addict where everything is hidden and the outside world/family does not know or does not want to know...remember the high functioning addict may be able to go on and on and on and continue to appear healthy for a long time--possibly forever if they never want to change or admit they have a problem. and if someone is there to always cover them if they create a problem for themselves, well, it can continue(mine always has someone, somewhere to assist him and i have to acknowledge it, too.) i do not live with the idea that me not being with him will make a difference to him. i live by knowing i am not there and it will help me. i saw somewhere on here "cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him." powerful. very powerful.
my ex's life in no way at this point looks like it is in the toilet. seems like it would head that way based on the experiences others have shared here. however, one thing that is true is this: my life is not in the toilet and it isn't going there either.
however bad this is for me now is nothing compared to the possibilities of what it could have become later. meaning the toilet, eventually.
yes, it was his choice and every day is his choice. sad what he chose but he did. in his brain it was the right thing for him to do.
my brain says today "ok then. so be it." i can hope for a very healthy, loving, non addict partner in the future one day but can't even imagine it at this point. i don't want to become bitter or angry or not trust again-i know i don't. but it will be quite a while before i feel like i'm standing solidly on my own two feet and able to attempt a relationship again. do not even know what "quite a while" even is. i do have hope though and i do believe!
my ex's life in no way at this point looks like it is in the toilet. seems like it would head that way based on the experiences others have shared here. however, one thing that is true is this: my life is not in the toilet and it isn't going there either.
however bad this is for me now is nothing compared to the possibilities of what it could have become later. meaning the toilet, eventually.
yes, it was his choice and every day is his choice. sad what he chose but he did. in his brain it was the right thing for him to do.
my brain says today "ok then. so be it." i can hope for a very healthy, loving, non addict partner in the future one day but can't even imagine it at this point. i don't want to become bitter or angry or not trust again-i know i don't. but it will be quite a while before i feel like i'm standing solidly on my own two feet and able to attempt a relationship again. do not even know what "quite a while" even is. i do have hope though and i do believe!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Direct communication works better than sarcasm. I would message him and say "When do you intend to pay me the money you owe me? Do not contact me for any reason until you repay me $300 for the plane ticket and $500 for my belongings which you destroyed."
He would get this message from me every time until the money was in my hands.
He would get this message from me every time until the money was in my hands.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
There's nothing wrong with being upset, or angry, or anything you're feeling at this moment.
You just can't allow those emotions to ever hijack your judgement.
ZoSo
You just can't allow those emotions to ever hijack your judgement.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
peacedove,
Think of the $800 as the cheapest higher education you’ll ever get, think of all the things you’ve learned about alcoholic/addicts and all the red flags to watch out for and and be thankful that you will never again have a relationship with either type of person.
((hugs))
Think of the $800 as the cheapest higher education you’ll ever get, think of all the things you’ve learned about alcoholic/addicts and all the red flags to watch out for and and be thankful that you will never again have a relationship with either type of person.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
atalose - i just got off the phone with my friend who told me the same thing!
outtolunch - he does not have a key to my home. i took that back from him awhile ago. i left his stuff on the deck under my grill cover for that reason and told him to come get them while i was at work.
hanna - i realize i was sarcastic completely. the point is that he already knew he owed that money to me and told me he would give it to me and he chose not to.
I refuse to ask him for it again. It's not worth it. I know that. I'm just upset about it but will shrug it off over time. Again, I refuse to allow this to be the thing that keeps me in contact with him. He knows he owes me money. If he wants to pay it back, fine. If he doesn't I accept it. It still doesn't take away being upset about it.
outtolunch - he does not have a key to my home. i took that back from him awhile ago. i left his stuff on the deck under my grill cover for that reason and told him to come get them while i was at work.
hanna - i realize i was sarcastic completely. the point is that he already knew he owed that money to me and told me he would give it to me and he chose not to.
I refuse to ask him for it again. It's not worth it. I know that. I'm just upset about it but will shrug it off over time. Again, I refuse to allow this to be the thing that keeps me in contact with him. He knows he owes me money. If he wants to pay it back, fine. If he doesn't I accept it. It still doesn't take away being upset about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
peacedove - yes you and i will both be there. Funny thing is that my ex hid his addiction and his real world to many people. He never lost his job because he works for a family business and he hid it from many of his friends.
hopefully your next important relationship will NOT involve "probation paperwork" and lots of $$ wasted on drugs.
Live well and enjoy YOUR life...his can stay in the toilet, it is his choice. .......AMEN!
hopefully your next important relationship will NOT involve "probation paperwork" and lots of $$ wasted on drugs.
Live well and enjoy YOUR life...his can stay in the toilet, it is his choice. .......AMEN!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by madisonblake 
peacedove - yes you and i will both be there. Funny thing is that my ex hid his addiction and his real world to many people. He never lost his job because he works for a family business and he hid it from many of his friends.
hopefully your next important relationship will NOT involve "probation paperwork" and lots of $$ wasted on drugs.
Live well and enjoy YOUR life...his can stay in the toilet, it is his choice. .......AMEN!
hopefully your next important relationship will NOT involve "probation paperwork" and lots of $$ wasted on drugs.
Live well and enjoy YOUR life...his can stay in the toilet, it is his choice. .......AMEN!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Even if he had promised to pay you back when he could...it's just words.
I agree that it's a lot of money but a cheap education and if it were me I'd cut my losses and cut contact too.
I'm sorry this didn't work out differently for you.
I agree that it's a lot of money but a cheap education and if it were me I'd cut my losses and cut contact too.
I'm sorry this didn't work out differently for you.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
atalose: thank you and you are so right. i have said it to myself, think it to myself and believe me...i know it. never would i have dreamed i would going through this but i am and i'm trying to turn a negative in to a positive somehow. goshalmighty, if i could just make the ole' heart stop hurting i do believe it would get alot easier. ugh, the heart is the heart though and at least i have one. at least i can love. this is quite the education going on here. may i never make any of these mistakes ever, ever again.
madisonblake: i would most likely change your locks even though he returned your key to be on the safe side. he could easily have had another one made as back up. but if you feel 100% secure without doing so, I understand. Ummmm, hon, my ex hid and is still hiding his addiction right now. he always will until he doesn't. if that ever happens. if anything ever happens. the reason he cut me out of his life was because i discovered and confronted his addiction. i've since learned the way i confronted it was not the appropriate way BUT I was completely peeved when I walked in on it so gut reaction was to say "oh goddddddddd noooooooo, noooooooooo, nooooooooooo" and downhill from there it went. he is so high functioning and so well thought of and so in to the city events and social scene with his business and functions, well, i was an immediate threat to his reputation. were i a user, i would have used with him and he would not have cut me out of his life. but i am not. so here i am. i was in the middle of one big ole lie from start to finish. his life is a lie daily. mine is no longer. better now than later is what i have to tell myself and honestly, it is true.
i also tell myself his life may appear to be "all that" and he may "look" one way or another...but deep inside of him he has to be in his own private hell. how could anyone live like that and be happy? i don't think they can. i could not but that's me. everyone loves him...i loved him...i don't hate him now...i'm just recovering from all this and realizing what a jerk he actually is/was and to stop being surprised by all this. don't wish him harm just have to concentrate on me being blessed in a different kind of way than i thought of blessings before.
madisonblake: i would most likely change your locks even though he returned your key to be on the safe side. he could easily have had another one made as back up. but if you feel 100% secure without doing so, I understand. Ummmm, hon, my ex hid and is still hiding his addiction right now. he always will until he doesn't. if that ever happens. if anything ever happens. the reason he cut me out of his life was because i discovered and confronted his addiction. i've since learned the way i confronted it was not the appropriate way BUT I was completely peeved when I walked in on it so gut reaction was to say "oh goddddddddd noooooooo, noooooooooo, nooooooooooo" and downhill from there it went. he is so high functioning and so well thought of and so in to the city events and social scene with his business and functions, well, i was an immediate threat to his reputation. were i a user, i would have used with him and he would not have cut me out of his life. but i am not. so here i am. i was in the middle of one big ole lie from start to finish. his life is a lie daily. mine is no longer. better now than later is what i have to tell myself and honestly, it is true.
i also tell myself his life may appear to be "all that" and he may "look" one way or another...but deep inside of him he has to be in his own private hell. how could anyone live like that and be happy? i don't think they can. i could not but that's me. everyone loves him...i loved him...i don't hate him now...i'm just recovering from all this and realizing what a jerk he actually is/was and to stop being surprised by all this. don't wish him harm just have to concentrate on me being blessed in a different kind of way than i thought of blessings before.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
