Lily1918

I just have to. He was being so verbally abusive today that it is just out of control. Active addiction or early recovery matters not. Help me you guys. please!!!

I do not deserve to be treated this way. I deserve to be cared about and told the truth to. I deserve to be loved. I am not loved by him. I really don't want to do it over the phone.

by abuse I mean:

being called a bitch for the first time ever by him.
being ignored.
told I would be called back and not.
being blamed for his relapse.
being told that I do not show the fruit of the spirit.
being told I am not a child of god.
being told that I have relapsed in my recovery because I refuse to believe lies.
being told that I am worthless.
being told that I am not blessed because of my sin.
being told that I am ugly and flat chested.
being told I will never be worthy of love.
being told that I am detrimental to his spiritual development.

then:

I was told he was sorry
I was told he does not know how to handle his emotions in early recovery.
I was told I am not patient.
I was told he loves me.
I was told please... don't let the sun go down in anger
I was told I am the love of his life.
I was told this is just a season.
I was asked to forgive.

I DO forgive. I DO love. I DO pray for him to find recovery. I do pray that if he dies in active addiction, that the Lord will have mercy on his soul. I pray that he believes in Jesus. I pray he will go back to the Salvation Army. I pray that god will give me the words to say and give me the strength to only speak truth.

I pray for myself. I pray for joy and serenity. I pray for a life free from the demons of addiction. I pray to be a good mother. I pray for my children to lead full and happy lives.

and I can't help but pray that one day... in the far distant future ... that his familiar suit will find its place next to me in the pew on a Sunday morning. Bright eyed and smiling. clean, and redeemed. I am so broken by these powers of darkness.

I am sitting here in the church parking lot. The wind is blowing and the sunset is pink. my favorite color. The wind reminds me that God is like the wind. you can't see him, but he is always there, and like the air we breathe, he gives us life. I feel like he painted the sky just for me, in my favorite color.

the digital sign has flashed these truths:
" be still and know that I am god"
"no matter how far you have run, god is only a prayer away."
" gods delays are not denials"
the last one struck me:
"god is good"

I couldn't help but say in my heart and here on this page

All the time

Tamerua

I don't know if you're in a recovery program or not, alanon is a great program. I agree you deserve better though and don't intellectualize what he is saying or his actions. He is treating you badly and acting like a douche.

kelleyt

I got told the same tonight !! Basically I'm crazy and he can't do this anymore yesterday he loved me today cause I caught him using and lies he said he wants me to leave him alone !! I pray for my husband to hit his bottom swiftly and merciful I pray that god will take my pain away or give me the strength to leave for good I have 2 why can't I let go ?? What don't I get here thinking he should care when he is high on dope wtf how could he care ?? Did he ever care will I never hear from him again ?? If I stop calling him will he just forget about me ?? I'm a mess here I need for something to click and quick

LoveMeNow

Lily ~ you have such a beautiful heart. Please don't ever sell your short or settle. God has blessed you with so much, I pray you embrace all of your wonderful qualities.

I have no doubt God has big and better plans for you. <3

Lily1918

for me... its as simple as harry potter. I am in love with the person I want him to be. I am in love with a boy who goes to bible college and loves god and is in the ministry and enjoys reading the bible and basically is as much of a Jesus freak as I am. not that not being a Jesus freak is bad, I just don't want to date one.

I might as well be in love with harry potter. the boy I love doesn't exist. It was all an illusion. a manipulation. like Santa clause or the Easter bunny.

my addict one the kind of boy I wanted, and through his magic skills, put on the mask of what I want.

It took me realizing who he really is to get to this point.

cynical one

Lily,

People like your boyfriend is why I was turned against organized religion. He's a poser and knows enough to use the words from the bible in a sick and twisted way. IMO, that is not being a child of God...at least not my God.

You deserve so many of them pink sunsets, and a happy life where you are treated with KINDNESS and respect. And, while I do hate to see some relationships end...this is not one of them.

Lily1918

absolutely everything is all my fault of course.

nothing is his.

he is begging now.

he trapped himself with his own words. He said I was the one and only reason he relapsed. well, then by that logic, if I remove myself from his life than his recovery will be shining and abundant.

I am about to leave.

I think he is high. oh well. It's what addicts do.

Pedro1234

So sorry. I am feeling for you Lily but you need to look after yourself.

Vale

[[[[You deserve to be treated with kindness,dignity,and respect,Lily.]]]]]

(We all do.)

Repeat that mantra as many times as you need to.

Lily1918

I can't stop crying. I want to stop but it just won't. Im so glad for all of you

Lily1918

It feels like he's dead, but still breathing

Wing

Be strong lily. Breathe and dont cry...
i know how it feels when u want to stop crying but the tear keeps falling. Just breathe, have tea or shower.
Hugs

Sara21

Hang in there. My AH told me a lot of the same things. You are not alone. We may not be there in person, but we're all holding your hand.

I basically told him that I would never give up on him and that I know he will one day be sober. I was, however, giving up on our marriage. The person we love should bring out the best of us and make us feel loved and respected (and we should do the same for them). They should not insult us, abuse us, or degrade us.

I knew that if I stayed in this marriage, it would be a matter of time before his addiciton would have permanently changed who I am as a person, and not for the better. I had to break the cycle before it broke me. No one is worth sacrificing our self-respect and our emotional well being. You deserve better.

Hugs

Vale

Read Sara21's post again.............

Wing

Sara is right! I was changed too when I was my exABF. I was not happy. Even when I was happy, I was worrying... Felt like living in a shadow waiting for the next bad moment to happen.. Now I'm out. I could be still sad sometimes and miss our good time. But my future life will be more stable, I believe.

Lily1918

I found heroin in his pocket and he said it was empty, a decoy to see if I would look. He said go ahead open it. I did and of course there was black on the foil.

He went back and forth from insisting he couldn't be with a girl like me who searched pockets to begging me to stay to asking how I would react when he brought a new girl to church.

then, finally, he began to cry and said there was nothing he could do or say is there? he really lost me? for real? I said there was nothing he could say. I asked him to come back to the light.

I did something mean... well... undercover mean...

He went out to smoke a cigarette and I slipped my perfume from my purse and sprayed the underside of his pillows and his sheets.

I asked him if he remembered what I said the first time I visited him at the SA. He was quiet a minute and looked at me dumbfounded. finally he said of course. I asked him to remind me.
"you asked me where I had been. said you hadn't seen me since September. made no sense at the time." I said, well... Mr Hyde its been lovely, but do me a favor will you? if you happen to see D in there, be sure to give him all of my love a kiss and ESH ok?
there was something else I told you that day... and I meant it. Choose you yourself on this very day whom you will serve... but as for me... and my house...

I didn't need to say the rest. I walked backwards out the door it was so hard to close it!!!!!
He was in bed by that time just crying and crying. I cried too and shut the door.

Im sad. I hope he will get clean. but at least I have finally gotten out of Gods way.

Hanna

What was the point of the perfume?

Are you still stuck in thinking his using is about you or that he would stop if he loved you enough?

Lily1918

no. His using isn't about me. He loves me as best he can. He uses because 90 days just wasn't enough time to cope with life on lifes terms. He uses because he's a heroin addict and that's what addicts do.

I loVE my children yet I still feed the monster every day with cigarettes. I just don't want to quit smoking, so I smoke. Heroin is no different than cigarettes. blasphemous to say? maybe... but its true.

I think my motives behind the perfume was that its the one I have always worn. He told me once when he was at the SA that a girl at meeting was wearing the same and he couldn't help but think of me.
kind of like how pumpkin pie, even in July makes you always think of thanksgiving, or peppermint is related to Christmas, or piano makes me think of him.

I left it as a reminder of me. a trigger to think of me and what he threw away. I don't know why else I would have wanted to do it, but it felt like leaving the proverbial wedding band on the nightstand. I would never EVER give him the ring I wore, it was my mothers.

kelleyt

Well Lilly. I found the dope dealer outside the sober house leaving drugs for my husband so I know how u feel !! Told me I was a crazy !! And that he needs to leave me for his recovery !!! Wtf really I can't do this anymore I told him I love him I will pray for him but I know the truth I will not beleive his lies anymore !! If he gets clean I'm here if not i will hopefully be over him !! It's the most painful thing I need to do and really I don't want I want him to call me and tell me he has had a enough but he is not done and may never be I can't wait I get keep believing in someone who doesn't want help thinks he is not that bad that he can control his herion addiction o really !! Like I know better i know he has to go away to
Get clean or it won't happen !! He told me he would never go back to rehab again when u came out so his options are jail or death !! It's heart breaking but there is nothing I can do either!! Hugs to u

Maylie

You sound like such a sweet, genuine, and strong woman and you do not deserve to be treated the way he treated you. You should be extremely proud of yourself for walking away and "getting out of gods way" as you put it. You're never alone, we are all here for you and from your post I can tell you have a very strong faith which can get you through anything.