here goes everything. Im aboit to break up with him
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I, for one, do not feel badly about you dumping his arse. He may be sick, but that never excuses abusive behavior.
But I also know this is difficult for you. Your feelings in the hours and days to come are going to be all over the map. And that's normal. The hardest thing will be standing by your decision. I wish it wasn't going to be difficult for you. But it's also the difficult times that tell us what we've made of. So, stand by your decision. Accept and face what is to come. You will be OK.
ZoSo
But I also know this is difficult for you. Your feelings in the hours and days to come are going to be all over the map. And that's normal. The hardest thing will be standing by your decision. I wish it wasn't going to be difficult for you. But it's also the difficult times that tell us what we've made of. So, stand by your decision. Accept and face what is to come. You will be OK.
ZoSo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
what do I do when he "sobers up" long enough to be "ok"???
I know he will give me space a few days, maybe a week. but he will come back. They always do. I know he wants to be with me. I know he will fight to keep me. he won't take this lying down. (sigh)
recovery looks like recovery. using looks like using. BUT even if he does get back into recovery... I don't think I have another relapse in me.
just thinking out loud and venting
he was sober 1 month then in addiction for 3. sober 3 months then in addiction for... maybe 2 weeks now? so in one year he has had 5 months sober altogether and four of those were in rehab.
he just isn't done.
Im afraid of getting that phone call that will send me to my knees. I really don't want to go to his funeral. I found myself wondering which dress I should wear to it today.
no normie would ever understand that. ever.
no contact is rough and Im not even through day one. It was so much easier when he was in rehab because I knew he was safe.
the sick part is I want him to come back!!!! I want him to have not picked up today and be there at church tonight and be there Sunday and to detox and get sober and even just be my friend again.
I guess you can want in one hand and sh!t in the other and see which one fills up faster.
Its not fair because when he gets high it numbs the pain. I just have to bear it.
I know he will give me space a few days, maybe a week. but he will come back. They always do. I know he wants to be with me. I know he will fight to keep me. he won't take this lying down. (sigh)
recovery looks like recovery. using looks like using. BUT even if he does get back into recovery... I don't think I have another relapse in me.
just thinking out loud and venting
he was sober 1 month then in addiction for 3. sober 3 months then in addiction for... maybe 2 weeks now? so in one year he has had 5 months sober altogether and four of those were in rehab.
he just isn't done.
Im afraid of getting that phone call that will send me to my knees. I really don't want to go to his funeral. I found myself wondering which dress I should wear to it today.
no normie would ever understand that. ever.
no contact is rough and Im not even through day one. It was so much easier when he was in rehab because I knew he was safe.
the sick part is I want him to come back!!!! I want him to have not picked up today and be there at church tonight and be there Sunday and to detox and get sober and even just be my friend again.
I guess you can want in one hand and sh!t in the other and see which one fills up faster.
Its not fair because when he gets high it numbs the pain. I just have to bear it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
lily, it sounds like you are caught up in the Dance....come here, go away....running away and then looking over your shoulder to assure he is chasing you....you just said it's over but are already projecting WHEN he'll come back. please don't hold yourself as the "prize" he'll get as a reward IF he gets sober....again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
lily, it sounds like you are caught up in the Dance....come here, go away....running away and then looking over your shoulder to assure he is chasing you....you just said it's over but are already projecting WHEN he'll come back. please don't hold yourself as the "prize" he'll get as a reward IF he gets sober....again.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
i feel as if it is normal to want/wish the things you do. i know i've felt them, thought them, wished them. none of us wishes for an addict to use or for any of the things to happen/go as they seem to do. i think that much of it is part of being a "normie." it gets hairy after that much though and i don't have the experience to express anything further. i can say you deserve happiness and peace as we all do. you are special and you must love yourself, too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Yeah, I'm right there with you about wondering what will happen when my husband is really recovering -- as in getting humble, and not being so self-seeking, and taking responsibility for himself and all that.
What I've been working on doing though, trying to do, is to reframe the reason for his not being in the house right now.
It's not because he's not in recovery and he's still living in the addicted mind and is still self-seeking and manipulative.
That's focused on what HE is doing or not doing.
I'm trying to reframe it because of what *I* need...
And what I'm going through...
Which is that all of my most negative attributes are coming out because of my interactions with him.
I am not loving myself in the same way I am used to doing.
I have been neglecting myself and blaming him.
I am not feeling good. I am stressed out. I am emotionally all over the place.
I am having meltdowns. I'm not sleeping well.
He is out of the house because my life is unmanageable and I need to take care of myself.
And what I came to realize is that I can't keep trying to rebuild the sand castle when I have it positioned so close to the waves.
I have to back up and rebuild my sand castle further away from the waves that continue to come (because that's what waves are bound to do)...
These waves that erode whatever progress I'd been able to make on my sand castle.
I need some space to rebuild my sand castle!
And a big ol' MOAT between my castle and the waves to help me have a buffer of protection.
In other words, I'm just having to remember and remind myself over and over that I am doing this FOR ME...and not just until he gets his act together.
It's dependent on me. Not him. (Gotta remember this!)
The castle thing made me smile because my husband and I both love the ocean, so of all the things I could call him, I think he'd actually like that I'd be calling him a wave. ;-)
What I've been working on doing though, trying to do, is to reframe the reason for his not being in the house right now.
It's not because he's not in recovery and he's still living in the addicted mind and is still self-seeking and manipulative.
That's focused on what HE is doing or not doing.
I'm trying to reframe it because of what *I* need...
And what I'm going through...
Which is that all of my most negative attributes are coming out because of my interactions with him.
I am not loving myself in the same way I am used to doing.
I have been neglecting myself and blaming him.
I am not feeling good. I am stressed out. I am emotionally all over the place.
I am having meltdowns. I'm not sleeping well.
He is out of the house because my life is unmanageable and I need to take care of myself.
And what I came to realize is that I can't keep trying to rebuild the sand castle when I have it positioned so close to the waves.
I have to back up and rebuild my sand castle further away from the waves that continue to come (because that's what waves are bound to do)...
These waves that erode whatever progress I'd been able to make on my sand castle.
I need some space to rebuild my sand castle!
And a big ol' MOAT between my castle and the waves to help me have a buffer of protection.
In other words, I'm just having to remember and remind myself over and over that I am doing this FOR ME...and not just until he gets his act together.
It's dependent on me. Not him. (Gotta remember this!)
The castle thing made me smile because my husband and I both love the ocean, so of all the things I could call him, I think he'd actually like that I'd be calling him a wave. ;-)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
It's normal to have doubts and play the "what if" game in your head. Just don't let it take over your life. I know it's hard, to be without someone who was such a huge part of your life. To know how great they were before the drugs messed everything up. But we all have to face reality and see things for how they really are, not for how we wished they were.
Live YOUR life the way you want to. If he sobers up, great, but don't let your life revolve around his addiction/recovery.
Hugs
Live YOUR life the way you want to. If he sobers up, great, but don't let your life revolve around his addiction/recovery.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Lily...
Not to be flippant, but so what?
He's going to do whatever he's going to do. That's not in your control.
What is in your control is your behavior, your choices, and how you respond to what could conceivably get very ugly. You made a decision that because he was emotionally and verbally abusive towards you, that was it. You're setting a boundary: abusive behavior is simply unacceptable.
Prepare for the worst. Prepare some more. Block his number, his email, his social media, everything. If you feel you're at risk physically, get a RO. Don't play games. Protect yourself.
ZoSo
what do I do when he "sobers up" long enough to be "ok"???
I know he will give me space a few days, maybe a week. but he will come back. They always do. I know he wants to be with me. I know he will fight to keep me. he won't take this lying down. (sigh)
I know he will give me space a few days, maybe a week. but he will come back. They always do. I know he wants to be with me. I know he will fight to keep me. he won't take this lying down. (sigh)
He's going to do whatever he's going to do. That's not in your control.
What is in your control is your behavior, your choices, and how you respond to what could conceivably get very ugly. You made a decision that because he was emotionally and verbally abusive towards you, that was it. You're setting a boundary: abusive behavior is simply unacceptable.
Prepare for the worst. Prepare some more. Block his number, his email, his social media, everything. If you feel you're at risk physically, get a RO. Don't play games. Protect yourself.
ZoSo
Orange Lily
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by zoso77
What is in your control is your behavior, your choices, and how you respond to what could conceivably get very ugly. You made a decision that because he was emotionally and verbally abusive towards you, that was it. You're setting a boundary: abusive behavior is simply unacceptable.
Prepare for the worst. Prepare some more. Block his number, his email, his social media, everything. If you feel you're at risk physically, get a RO. Don't play games. Protect yourself.
ZoSo
I got the exact same fake promises and apologies after nothing but verbal and mental abuse. His messages alternate between apologies and horrendous things--- be ready. Be strong. Try to avoid reading them and responding. The opening you leave to talk back and forth, he will jump on.
Even as I type this, my AXBF walked by my locked door on his way to the restroom, muttering insulting things to me. I expect my AXBF to slander me, send me bad txts-- and be absolutely insane. Prepare and remember that he will take ANY opportunity to put you down in one way or other-!! Take appropriate measures to not get involved in his hissy fit and meltdown.
----
And like CLOCKWORK- my phone goes off with insults and threats to try and guilt me. I read it once and will not read it again. Remember that these are words of a mad man!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
well, I blocked the phone and there's no social media, but he called the grandma we share (his biologically but I lobe her and she does me and Im not losing her because of him)
she did very well and told him she had not heard from me. She let the tape play and he said he screwed up and that I won't talk to him and he would do anything to get me back and he loves me so very much and he had wanted to marry me.
She told me that her advice to him to make amends was to work a strong recovery program and get right with god and then all things would work for good for him.
His mother has not contacted me but she also has grandma she didn't mention me but said that he will be put on colors for probation starting on Monday.
I don't know if this is true and trying not to care.
if it is true he either has to sober up or go to jail.
not my problem.
I am glad that I am not being painted as the evil one. Grandma said he has NEVER done this before, he always just moves on to the next girl right away... like within days of getting broken up with.
strange... I can't help but wonder if he will be there on Sunday. I have this gut feeling that he will be...
Im trying to only give him so much time in my head per day, and my serenity is slowly returning.
He is going to have to show some REAL recovery AFTER he gets off of probation if he thinks he even stands a chance... but... honestly...yes... he does have another chance. But Im not gonna tell him that.
if he moves on... good for him... if he really really comes back... then I just don't know.
meanwhile, life goes on. the kids get fed. I go to work, and school, and try to be the person god wants me to be.
she did very well and told him she had not heard from me. She let the tape play and he said he screwed up and that I won't talk to him and he would do anything to get me back and he loves me so very much and he had wanted to marry me.
She told me that her advice to him to make amends was to work a strong recovery program and get right with god and then all things would work for good for him.
His mother has not contacted me but she also has grandma she didn't mention me but said that he will be put on colors for probation starting on Monday.
I don't know if this is true and trying not to care.
if it is true he either has to sober up or go to jail.
not my problem.
I am glad that I am not being painted as the evil one. Grandma said he has NEVER done this before, he always just moves on to the next girl right away... like within days of getting broken up with.
strange... I can't help but wonder if he will be there on Sunday. I have this gut feeling that he will be...
Im trying to only give him so much time in my head per day, and my serenity is slowly returning.
He is going to have to show some REAL recovery AFTER he gets off of probation if he thinks he even stands a chance... but... honestly...yes... he does have another chance. But Im not gonna tell him that.
if he moves on... good for him... if he really really comes back... then I just don't know.
meanwhile, life goes on. the kids get fed. I go to work, and school, and try to be the person god wants me to be.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
After being with my heroin addict ex for a few years... I was a shell of my former self. I lost a ton of weight from stress, worrying and loss of appetite. I lost my self-esteem and smiles, I struggled with insomnia, I was a slave to my cell phone - always checking if I got a message from him letting me know where he is, and I was paranoid of the safety of my valuables.
After a few years of being with myself and myself only, I have refilled that shell with good things and good things only. I forgave myself for making bad choices, I decided that there will only be positive and kind people in my life, I sleep comfortably at night and I can leave my purses wherever I want in my own home. I still have the normal stress that life bestow upon all of us but nothing deadly (in a slow dying manner) and cancer-inducing such as being with a heroin addict.
The latter path is a happier and healthier path, a path without any heroin addict. I hope you make the decision to go that way.
After a few years of being with myself and myself only, I have refilled that shell with good things and good things only. I forgave myself for making bad choices, I decided that there will only be positive and kind people in my life, I sleep comfortably at night and I can leave my purses wherever I want in my own home. I still have the normal stress that life bestow upon all of us but nothing deadly (in a slow dying manner) and cancer-inducing such as being with a heroin addict.
The latter path is a happier and healthier path, a path without any heroin addict. I hope you make the decision to go that way.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Lily1918
well I caved and talked to him last night and heard all of those I love you and whatevers.
ugh. he seemed sicker than a dog.
not my problem.
Its like the King and I
shall we dance?
ugh. he seemed sicker than a dog.
not my problem.
Its like the King and I
shall we dance?
. I crack myself up.
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