help4hubby

Since my hubby has been detoxing from suboxone I have been keeping a close eye on him. I went through his cell phone last night and saw a msg from someone saying that they had what he wanted (not sure if it was suboxone or something else and I really don't care bc he shouldn't be doing anything at all) and that he could come by after 1pm to get them. I know that they were talking about drugs bc the guy didn't specify what they were talking about he jst said "that thing". My husband responded ok! and then changed the subject. I checked his call l og and he called the guy at 2:30. I checked my own phone since we talk during the day and he had told me he was running errands around that time. Based on all this I was certain that he met up with the guy and got something so when he got up I confronted him about it but didn't tell him that I had gone through his phone. He denied it over and over and got loud. I stressed to him that I just wanted to be able to trust him and that he has yet to be honest with me when he has slipped up. It's always after the fact that he admits he has done something. I don't know what to do. I can't force him to be honest with me and I don't want to admit to him that I went through his phone (although it's looking like I'm going to have to) and a small part of me is worried what if I'm wrong? What if I confront him and tell him I know that he did something and it turns out he actually didn't??? I know, wishful thinking right! How do I handle this? The only way I will be 100% sure is if he takes a drug test. Which I think he needs to be doing anyway. I'm going to call his stepdad with this info (he is my husband's boss) and see what he wants to do. I truly just can't believe anything he says and I feel like drug tests are the only way I will be able to trust him. I know suboxone won't show up on a typical drug test and that you have to specifically test for it. Can you buy an OTC test for it or would you have to go to the hospital or lab and how expensive is it?

AnvilheadII

here's the thing about home drug tests.....1) they are not 100% reliable 2) let's say it came up positive...but your H adamantly DENIED it, then what? 3) if the test came back positive, THEN WHAT? what's your plan? what are your boundaries? what do you want out of this whole thing?
and how can you get your life restored to a point of no longer needing to search thru your H's phone in search of evidence????

LoveMeNow

Ugh, been there, done that! It was hard, but I had to learn to trust my instincts. Sounds like you know the answer to your questions but still have self doubts about your instinct. Have they ever been wrong before?

Lets say he is using, now what?

atalose

Like a prosecutor you are hell bent on proving your case that he’s using drugs AGAIN with the messages on his phone and your in stinks but as Anvilhead pointed out – then what?

Where do you go from there? What’s your next move? What are you expecting to happen when you are right?

And how old is this guy that your going to call his parents on him?

Vale

Playing "gotcha" with adults is a losing game.We are so dead set on OBTAINING the
information----we neglect the much HARDER task.....what to do with it when we get
it.

I can't say I ever played "gotch" with the addict I cared about.I knew on day 1 that
every word was a lie.But I kept throwing sand under her wheels hoping against hope
that she would find the traction to get out of the hole she had dug.

It didn't happen.

The addict knows they're lying and so does the codie.I don't see what what is gained
by constantly hurting the person (calling them out) which only seems to make them want
to use more---to escape the guilt for the life they live & the mistakes they have made.

Malicious hurting is a non-starter.I would be the cruelest person on Earth if it
accomplished anything....but it doesn't.

bamboo38

Policing his cell phone and insisting on drug tests is no way for YOU to live. (Believe me, I've LIVED that.) I learned important lessons here about that. Your instincts are screaming to be heard. If you feel SO strongly about the lies and the tests, you are likely right. Drug tests are not the way to "trust him," they are the way to confirm lies. They won't restore trust. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Marshmallow

A litle over a month ago my husband relapsed on cocaine and alcohol. It was a nightmare. I didnt need a drug test because he was using from the time he got up, came home from work on something, and fell asleep after drinking. I had no idea what to do because he was over 3 years clean. He had been fine the whole time of our marriage. I waited a week thinking he would snap out of it. Then I started reading here and it was helpful. Some people told me to reach out to our family, and those who knew how to handle the situation. I found this thread and it helped me A LOT:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...h-relapse.html

After this I called my husbands parents and his dad came here. He had me leave for a week and go to a hotel. he worked with my husband, stopped the binging. I also called his psychologist who he used to see regularly for his addiction but stopped months ago. He was wonderful to me and explained everything where i could understand it. My husband finally agreed to start seeing him again. Its been progress since then. I moved back home, his dad returned home. My husband is off work right now. His dad also contacted my husbands business partner, they all know each other. They all had plans in case of a relapse. My husbands business partner made him take at least a month off, and he has to test clean for a month of drug test before he can come back, and have so many doctor appointments. It is working! It has been bumpy, but progress.

Another thing that helped me, and it is in that link I gave you too, but now I see it is part of a sticky on this forum. YAY. There was a movie called Pleasure Unwoven and it talks all about how the brain is changed during addiction. I cried the first time I watched it, I was so upset, but then the second time it made sense when i saw the causes of relapse, and it fit my husband. The links to the youtube clips are at the top of this forum, in a post called Drug Addiction a Complex disease. Maybe that will help you like it helped me.

I say call his dad if you think it will help, if you know their relationship. My stepfather was calm, and once my husband found out he was coming, he did not stop the coke immediately, but he stopped drinking and gathered up all his bottles so his dad wouldnt see the extent of the mess he was making.

I was a horrible week. If you want to talk, you can message me.

help4hubby

Wow! Well I want to thank you all for your responses and advice! It really helps getting advice/opinions from people who don't know me personally and can look at my situation objectively. I've realized several things since this post 1) If I continue to focus on him and his relapse I am going to continue to be miserable! 2) going through his phone and belongings will not stop or prevent a relapse and it will drive us both crazy 3) I need a plan. As many of you pointed out what if I do catch him doing something, then what??? That's something I hadn't even considered. 4) No one wants to be treated like a child especially when they are struggling with relapse and recovery. I truly HATE to admit this but I was doing to him the very thing that I've been complaining about my mom doing to me! Yeah I'm mad and I'm hurt but reminding him of it everyday multiple times a day is NOT helpful to either of us. I'm really grateful for everyone's advice. I'm sure that I will continue to struggle but I'm glad that I was able to recognize some of my own unhealthy behaviors and shift my focus to me. Working on formulating a plan for the near future and lining up counseling. Thank you all so much for your insights!

outtolunch

5 years in Prison was not enough. 4 stints in rehab were not enough. Lord knows, parenthood does not cure addiction. He does not sound like he's ready to change.

Is it time for you to set a boundary?

"I will not live with someone in active addiction" is a boundary that protects you from the chaos of addiction. It lets go of the outcome.

" You will not do drugs or else..." is an attempt to control another person. Such attempts lead to mutual resentments.