The Cycle
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 43
The Cycle
I’ve been round and round, three years now, and I can say this.... As embarrassed as I feel for still going round and round, I feel a kinship with those here that are reluctant to say how many times they’ve gone back and forth. I can honestly say I’ve passed the point where I buy the excuses -- unfortunately it took several dozen tries for it all to click. But here’s the cycle, as I’ve experienced it. I’m sorry this is so rambling, but I wanted to share in case you happen to see something familiar in the cycle... and maybe not feel so bad... (BTW, crack is the drug of choice here):
POST-ACCEPTANCE of RELAPSE
Desolation and desperation. My phone fills up with voice mails full or regret and self-hatred. He says things like “he doesn’t blame me at all,” for leaving, and that he hopes for nothing but wonderful things in my life.
Bargaining and begging. Can I please just talk to him for a few minutes? There’s something very important to tell me. Plus he’s had an epiphany -- all these years (decades) he thought he knew what he had to do, but he had it wrong. NOW it’s become clear. Can I please listen? Everything has changed.
Stuff. Flowers arrive, coffee is dropped off at my house, gifts he had gotten me earlier need to be delivered. Can we just please have lunch and talk?
Eventually, after the calls and the gifts and the gestures, I have agreed to talk. Or maybe lunch. His hand is on my hand. He misses me, we are so great together, how can we give this up? No one has what we have. Would I have dinner with him, please? He wants to tell me about his new sponsor and a new doctor and his new approach and why THIS TIME he’s finally gonna finish his fourth step.
Dinner. Can I sleep over, please?
This is followed by Facebook posts of us together, very public demonstrations that All is Fine. My head is usually spinning at this point. Wait, what happened?
TIME PASSES
As we settle back into dating roles -- we had been engaged, so several times after giving him back my ring, he ends up asking if I’ll wear it “just to dinner” or “just to this party.” Then he starts talking about moving in or where the wedding should be. (It's always very high-level, vague talk.)
And for some reason it’s always a shock when Mr. Hyde appears, but he always does. It might be in a month, or three months. Not much longer than that. He’s cursing at his computer, cursing his entire existence, calling me fat, saying nasty cutting things, sleeping all afternoon, angry at the world. He starts going late to meetings and leaving early or “accidentally” oversleeping or “I really don’t get much from that meeting” and when I mention this I’m berated for working HIS program. I’m left completely speechless. Isn’t this what he wanted? Us, happy, together? I ask him a question and am verbally assaulted for the WAY I asked it, or WHY I asked it, and WHY IS IT ALWAYS an INQUISITION?!
MIA
Suddenly, he becomes VERY BUSY. Too busy for lunch, too tired to get together, too angry to go somewhere fun. And I mention it, and we fight. And days go by. I say, “I think you’re using,” and we spend hours on the phone -- or marathon text sessions because he won't let me hear his scratchy voice -- debating why I would say that and why MY childhood screwed me up and that I’m just like his mother and that I am not Ms. Perfect and should stop judging other people. So I back off, and give him space, and time. At this point, I know what he’s doing, but I never want to admit it.
THE EXIT
My stomach in knots, my friends totally perplexed at what the heck is wrong with me, I imagine myself talking to myself saying, “honey... you don’t deserve this. This is not how it’s supposed to be. Just STOP! Don’t see him.” And I stop. Early in the relationship, it was an angry exit. As time passed, it would be thoughtful, often accompanied by a 2,000 word essay. I’ve lost count at this point. It’s become a dance we do.
THE PROOF
I’ve found, over time, that trying to get him to admit anything, or take a test, or arguing over what seem like clear signs, is a complete waste of everyone’s energy. On the other hand, if I let go and let God, as they say, the truth comes out. It doesn’t even take very long. Something trips him up, sadly. And despite the loud, insistent protests, and the turned tables, and all of my trips to therapy -- the truth becomes clear. He has been using, and has put an impressive amount of effort into making me think I imagined all of it. In a way, I’m more saddened by the charade and the gaslighting than the drug use. Because using is self-harm; the manipulation is directed squarely at me.
THE PLEDGE
I am gone. There’s always a lull because he’s sobering up. But then, an apologetic voicemail. He is sorry, however he is ADAMANT that this was a 1) slip, 2) brief error of judgement, 3) a stepping stone to health or... the latest... not a relapse but a “prolapse” -- a fortunate occurrence that will herald bountiful health. I say “thanks, I’m all good,” and try to move on... and each time, I find myself reveling more in the freedom from drama and chaos.
He agrees that he has hurt me, that I didn’t deserve it, that he will give me the space I need.
THE MANIPULATIONS
These are like clockwork, now. I could script it out -- one of the reasons I decided to write this here. It’s almost comical.
He tells me I'm overreacting. I'm "awfulizing." It wasn't REALLY as bad as I say it was.
He gets cocky. He leaves voicemails or emails me about one or more of four women who repeatedly hit on him, saying they have been suddenly all over his facebook page or texting. They all want him now.
Then he accuses ME of being the bigger liar, because clearly I must have never loved him... that I put on a show, because how could I have EVER said I loved him if I can’t stick with him when he’s sick? After all, if I had cancer, he wouldn’t ditch me like this.
He’ll text me THANK YOU for leaving, because I was not worthy of him, that now he can find someone who will truly love him warts and all. And good luck to me to find someone PERFECT... “LIKE YOU.”
Until he starts leaving voicemails saying maybe we could chat for just a few minutes? Because as a former best friend and partner, he wanted to share an epiphany he’s had about why NOW is completely different than all the other times. It will be “my loss” now, because he’s got it all figured out. Maybe as a last favor, I can hear why this time will be the last time he ever uses.
And back to the beginning.
It's a cycle, but I KNOW I've changed. I know not to entertain the arguments or the debates or to believe the epiphanies. I know that I can wholeheartedly wish him good health -- I truly do -- but that's a different choice than wishing myself good health. It's disappointing that I fell for the illusion. But no matter how many times he says I never really loved him, I know that I did. And I do. Leaving has nothing to do with it.
POST-ACCEPTANCE of RELAPSE
Desolation and desperation. My phone fills up with voice mails full or regret and self-hatred. He says things like “he doesn’t blame me at all,” for leaving, and that he hopes for nothing but wonderful things in my life.
Bargaining and begging. Can I please just talk to him for a few minutes? There’s something very important to tell me. Plus he’s had an epiphany -- all these years (decades) he thought he knew what he had to do, but he had it wrong. NOW it’s become clear. Can I please listen? Everything has changed.
Stuff. Flowers arrive, coffee is dropped off at my house, gifts he had gotten me earlier need to be delivered. Can we just please have lunch and talk?
Eventually, after the calls and the gifts and the gestures, I have agreed to talk. Or maybe lunch. His hand is on my hand. He misses me, we are so great together, how can we give this up? No one has what we have. Would I have dinner with him, please? He wants to tell me about his new sponsor and a new doctor and his new approach and why THIS TIME he’s finally gonna finish his fourth step.
Dinner. Can I sleep over, please?
This is followed by Facebook posts of us together, very public demonstrations that All is Fine. My head is usually spinning at this point. Wait, what happened?
TIME PASSES
As we settle back into dating roles -- we had been engaged, so several times after giving him back my ring, he ends up asking if I’ll wear it “just to dinner” or “just to this party.” Then he starts talking about moving in or where the wedding should be. (It's always very high-level, vague talk.)
And for some reason it’s always a shock when Mr. Hyde appears, but he always does. It might be in a month, or three months. Not much longer than that. He’s cursing at his computer, cursing his entire existence, calling me fat, saying nasty cutting things, sleeping all afternoon, angry at the world. He starts going late to meetings and leaving early or “accidentally” oversleeping or “I really don’t get much from that meeting” and when I mention this I’m berated for working HIS program. I’m left completely speechless. Isn’t this what he wanted? Us, happy, together? I ask him a question and am verbally assaulted for the WAY I asked it, or WHY I asked it, and WHY IS IT ALWAYS an INQUISITION?!
MIA
Suddenly, he becomes VERY BUSY. Too busy for lunch, too tired to get together, too angry to go somewhere fun. And I mention it, and we fight. And days go by. I say, “I think you’re using,” and we spend hours on the phone -- or marathon text sessions because he won't let me hear his scratchy voice -- debating why I would say that and why MY childhood screwed me up and that I’m just like his mother and that I am not Ms. Perfect and should stop judging other people. So I back off, and give him space, and time. At this point, I know what he’s doing, but I never want to admit it.
THE EXIT
My stomach in knots, my friends totally perplexed at what the heck is wrong with me, I imagine myself talking to myself saying, “honey... you don’t deserve this. This is not how it’s supposed to be. Just STOP! Don’t see him.” And I stop. Early in the relationship, it was an angry exit. As time passed, it would be thoughtful, often accompanied by a 2,000 word essay. I’ve lost count at this point. It’s become a dance we do.
THE PROOF
I’ve found, over time, that trying to get him to admit anything, or take a test, or arguing over what seem like clear signs, is a complete waste of everyone’s energy. On the other hand, if I let go and let God, as they say, the truth comes out. It doesn’t even take very long. Something trips him up, sadly. And despite the loud, insistent protests, and the turned tables, and all of my trips to therapy -- the truth becomes clear. He has been using, and has put an impressive amount of effort into making me think I imagined all of it. In a way, I’m more saddened by the charade and the gaslighting than the drug use. Because using is self-harm; the manipulation is directed squarely at me.
THE PLEDGE
I am gone. There’s always a lull because he’s sobering up. But then, an apologetic voicemail. He is sorry, however he is ADAMANT that this was a 1) slip, 2) brief error of judgement, 3) a stepping stone to health or... the latest... not a relapse but a “prolapse” -- a fortunate occurrence that will herald bountiful health. I say “thanks, I’m all good,” and try to move on... and each time, I find myself reveling more in the freedom from drama and chaos.
He agrees that he has hurt me, that I didn’t deserve it, that he will give me the space I need.
THE MANIPULATIONS
These are like clockwork, now. I could script it out -- one of the reasons I decided to write this here. It’s almost comical.
He tells me I'm overreacting. I'm "awfulizing." It wasn't REALLY as bad as I say it was.
He gets cocky. He leaves voicemails or emails me about one or more of four women who repeatedly hit on him, saying they have been suddenly all over his facebook page or texting. They all want him now.
Then he accuses ME of being the bigger liar, because clearly I must have never loved him... that I put on a show, because how could I have EVER said I loved him if I can’t stick with him when he’s sick? After all, if I had cancer, he wouldn’t ditch me like this.
He’ll text me THANK YOU for leaving, because I was not worthy of him, that now he can find someone who will truly love him warts and all. And good luck to me to find someone PERFECT... “LIKE YOU.”
Until he starts leaving voicemails saying maybe we could chat for just a few minutes? Because as a former best friend and partner, he wanted to share an epiphany he’s had about why NOW is completely different than all the other times. It will be “my loss” now, because he’s got it all figured out. Maybe as a last favor, I can hear why this time will be the last time he ever uses.
And back to the beginning.
It's a cycle, but I KNOW I've changed. I know not to entertain the arguments or the debates or to believe the epiphanies. I know that I can wholeheartedly wish him good health -- I truly do -- but that's a different choice than wishing myself good health. It's disappointing that I fell for the illusion. But no matter how many times he says I never really loved him, I know that I did. And I do. Leaving has nothing to do with it.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
Basically, I'm sitting here with my jaw on the ground because of all the insightful things I've read on SR, there's NEVER been a story I've heard that sounded so similar to mine. My god! Bamboo, I just copied and pasted your post in a word document that I'm saving on my computer. You just wrote detail for detail the story of the last three years of my life. You just wrote the story of what's gone down in my life, especially over the last few weeks. Thank you for sharing this.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 43
thanks so much, madison... when we're going through this it feels so personal, but the more i have read here the more i see how similar the cycle is for many of us. thanks for letting me know it rang true with you. like so many here... i loved him. i LOVE him. i wanted to be the one who rode it out with him, who "helped him," I guess. it definitely helps to hear that it's a common pattern. best wishes
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I guess that's exactly what I meant by my jaw hitting the ground. It seems so unique to us and I've heard on here so many times and read so many stories where i start to get that I am so not unique. Your story, however, really hit some buttons. It's the SAME story.
It was easy to forget about my ex and our drama last week because I was on vacation on a beautiful beach. Today I was so busy at work, I didn't have much time to dwell but I can sense more uncomfortable feelings. I will need more strength now that I'm home. That's why I copied and pasted your post. Any time I feel any weakness, I will just open that word document and remind myslef of how common the outcome will be if I make the same mistake again.
None of us are alone in this struggle and there's no need to be embarassed. my first post back here a week ago Sunday started with "I'm so embarassed to be back here" and I received some great replies. You should read them for yourself.
It was easy to forget about my ex and our drama last week because I was on vacation on a beautiful beach. Today I was so busy at work, I didn't have much time to dwell but I can sense more uncomfortable feelings. I will need more strength now that I'm home. That's why I copied and pasted your post. Any time I feel any weakness, I will just open that word document and remind myslef of how common the outcome will be if I make the same mistake again.
None of us are alone in this struggle and there's no need to be embarassed. my first post back here a week ago Sunday started with "I'm so embarassed to be back here" and I received some great replies. You should read them for yourself.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I so loved the "honeymoon" stage but not just with my husband but in all my past relationships. I was the break up/make up queen because of it. It's so easy to get sucked back in especially when we are so confused, in denial or living in our own hopeful fantasy of recovery.
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Madison, YES, I remember your post! In fact, it hit me very hard because I had JUST returned from a few days away that was supposed to include my ex and his daughter. I ended up taking my son and his friend on my own. And that was fine, I am used to it. Just days before our trip, he had relapsed again -- left me locked out of his house even though we had plans (he locks up when he's using). Tucked himself away for three days then was shocked when I said YOU'RE NOT COMING WITH US. That was the third trip, I think, in just this past year that he relapsed just before and I asked him not to come. I've learned not to buy him tickets. This is no way to live.
So yes, I read your post, and it practically moved me to tears. A slap of reality across my face. It stinks, it really does. I was glad to see that you were on a beach, and I hope you were able to soak up the sun.
So yes, I read your post, and it practically moved me to tears. A slap of reality across my face. It stinks, it really does. I was glad to see that you were on a beach, and I hope you were able to soak up the sun.
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
I so loved the "honeymoon" stage but not just with my husband but in all my past relationships. I was the break up/make up queen because of it. It's so easy to get sucked back in especially when we are so confused, in denial or living in our own hopeful fantasy of recovery.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
Bamboo-I apologize for not remembering but now i recall your post. Why is it they always feel like screwing up every holiday, vacation, etc by relapsing right before an important event. Hm.
Even better, my ex says the same things yours does "it wasn't all bad", "I have so many more good than bad memories". Right dude, the times you are high you can't remember or you don't understand what you're doing to others so you have no clue. You're high. You only remember the honeymoon phase because you either don't remember or dont' want to admit what you did before that.
This is the latest line I got in email "from the first time I saw you I was moved and even till this day I have the same feelings. Im so very sorry for all the lies and hurtful things I have said." Word for word that's what I got in an email. I used to fall for it. Now I think to myself really you have feelings? I think really you are sorry for the hurtful things you've said.......do you even remember them?
Whatever. It's such a crock.
Even better, my ex says the same things yours does "it wasn't all bad", "I have so many more good than bad memories". Right dude, the times you are high you can't remember or you don't understand what you're doing to others so you have no clue. You're high. You only remember the honeymoon phase because you either don't remember or dont' want to admit what you did before that.
This is the latest line I got in email "from the first time I saw you I was moved and even till this day I have the same feelings. Im so very sorry for all the lies and hurtful things I have said." Word for word that's what I got in an email. I used to fall for it. Now I think to myself really you have feelings? I think really you are sorry for the hurtful things you've said.......do you even remember them?
Whatever. It's such a crock.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Bamboo I just read your post again. I'm exhausted and am going to bed. I wanted to go through every stage you described and give my detailed experience but need to sleep. Like you said it will almost be comical. I will post tomorrow when I have a clear head. Hope you get some rest tonight. Sounds to me like you have a great awareness of what's happened and that's important.
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Originally Posted by madisonblake
Sounds to me like you have a great awareness of what's happened and that's important.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Funny, because when my husband was deep in his addiction, his emails and texts were unbelievably sappy....almost straight out of a Harlequin romance novel. It used to almost make me want to throw up after reading it.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Ahh, The Cycle. I'm in the Dinner/Can I Sleep Over part. I went on a date with my AH on Friday. (We're separated and have kids) It was a wonderful evening! He realized just how much he truly loves me. It was overwhelming to him. I let him stay at my apartment since the kids were already asleep when I got home and I knew he'd be leaving early to go dose at the methadone clinic before they woke up the next morning. (Ok, I have to admit... That sounds terrible, ridiculous - that I'm letting someone stay overnight with me and my kids, knowing he's going to get a dose of methadone the next morning!!!!!)
Fast forward to last night. As I was putting my 4-yr-old to bed, he said that he missed Daddy. He hasn't said that to me since we moved and it just broke my heart, because, hey, I miss him too. So, I told him Daddy could sleep over the next night. Yes, I know....big mistake for so many reasons!
Then today,I started getting bad feeling about him sleeping over. I don't want to confuse my kids. I don't want my oldest son to lose all trust in me (my AH is his step-dad). I also don't want to confuse my AH or myself. So, I decided that we just need to take everything so much more slowly. I don't want to make the same mistake of reconciling too soon over and over. Truthfully, as much as I love my AH, I'm glad he didn't come over. My house retained its peacefulness.
Fast forward to last night. As I was putting my 4-yr-old to bed, he said that he missed Daddy. He hasn't said that to me since we moved and it just broke my heart, because, hey, I miss him too. So, I told him Daddy could sleep over the next night. Yes, I know....big mistake for so many reasons!
Then today,I started getting bad feeling about him sleeping over. I don't want to confuse my kids. I don't want my oldest son to lose all trust in me (my AH is his step-dad). I also don't want to confuse my AH or myself. So, I decided that we just need to take everything so much more slowly. I don't want to make the same mistake of reconciling too soon over and over. Truthfully, as much as I love my AH, I'm glad he didn't come over. My house retained its peacefulness.
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Bamboo38...hello me.
I feel like I am in an alternate universe on SR where my avatar name is Bamboo38...you nailed it exactly, to a tee.
I believe it does help a lot to understand the cycle a little more objectively. I came to understand my part in the cycle. The cycle simply would not exist without "the recipient".
Some days I miss the little gifts at my doorstep.
Recovery is a journey through life, and you now have written out a navigation chart for these particular seas. There are better places to set sail, better crews
...I have faith in that.
I feel like I am in an alternate universe on SR where my avatar name is Bamboo38...you nailed it exactly, to a tee.
I believe it does help a lot to understand the cycle a little more objectively. I came to understand my part in the cycle. The cycle simply would not exist without "the recipient".
Some days I miss the little gifts at my doorstep.
Recovery is a journey through life, and you now have written out a navigation chart for these particular seas. There are better places to set sail, better crews
...I have faith in that.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Originally Posted by lesliej
I feel like I am in an alternate universe on SR where my avatar name is Bamboo38...you nailed it exactly, to a tee.
It's true about being a willing recipient and playing our own part in the whole show. It HAS been really helpful to shine a light on what I've been doing to keep it going -- my part in the dance.
Reminds me of that quote about Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers -- how she did everything Fred did, except backwards, and in heels! That's what we do
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