Partner resents me...help! :(
 

My bf was a lifelong opiate addict, and he was clean for most of the past year, which was the longest he'd ever gone since he got addicted. I was so proud of him. However, his cravings got the best of him one day last week, and he badgered me for hours about how I need to be ok with him doing some hydros. He hurt me so much when he was strung out, and I have expressed so many times that I want nothing to do with this drug.

He said he wants to be free to do some now and then without worrying about me leaving him for using once. He said if I will leave that easily then my love is superficial and that it is selfish of me to give him an ultimatum. He said I was the reason that he quit (I'd never heard him say that before) and so I should be willing to compromise now. So I finally told him it's not like I would automatically break up with him for doing it one time. I was also trying to convince myself of this. I feel too strongly about his drug use now to be around it for long and have told him so.

That day, I finally gave in about the hydros though...he said he just needed to get it out of his system and in return for me trusting him he would try extra hard to be nice and not let the drug make him act like a jerk toward me. I have been wanting some more positive attention from him, so he got me there. I wouldn't say he followed through like expected, but he wasn't mean for the most part, and I was relieved about that.

A few days later, he told me they weren't nearly as good as he remembered them and that he was glad he got that out of his system. He said he thought he was outgrowing them. Of all the promises he's made and things he's claimed about drugs, this was the one I fully believed because I had never heard him talk like that before. I had some unexpected hope that for once felt genuine.

It's now a week after he did the pills, and he actually told me today he was looking for hydros! I told him I was surprised he was interested again, and he got mad at me for implying that I was back to not being ok with it. He never got any and has been acting irritable toward me all day, and it's very obvious that he resents me for having a problem with it. We can't even talk on the phone right now without it being really uncomfortable. I've been crying a lot today, and he hasn't apologized like he normally would, and he probably won't. Maybe everything will be ok tomorrow, but I bet we'll have the same argument over and over.

How do you deal with your loved one resenting you?

Doesn't sound like your partner resents you. Sounds more like your partner is an addict in relapse, not working a program or seeking help, who is now playing mind games to justify his use.

Wow, talk about manipulation. Is he working any kind of program? I am not sure how or if he stayed clean for a year but this sounds like one twisted mind game he is playing with you. He is probably the first addict I have ever heard or read about that wanted "permission" to relapse.

As far as him wanting more today, thats no suprise! One is too many and a thousand will never be enough.

Anberlin, please never give him any money, don't let him use your car, and please hide all your jewelry and valuable possessions. I hope ya don't have to, but expect the worst. No sense in you goin down on a sinking ship. Rootin for the both of ya. :egypt:

I agree, his words are those of active addict who is desperate and will do (or sell) anything to get his drugs.

It's nothing to do with you, he just wants his drugs and you too. For you, that's the worst of all worlds.

Hide your valuables including your bank card and decide if this is how you want to live. You don't have to stay with an active addict, it's a terrible place to be.

Good luck.

Hugs

An addict cannot use "once in awhile" or just once to "get it out of my system." Period. I've been in that same place, where I was told "I just needed to do it one more time", been hopeful, and then devastated when it quickly spiralled into full blown active addiction. Fortunately he quickly realized how out of control he was and sought help. He too had been clean for about a year before he relapsed.

As for how to deal with any resentment... you have to constantly remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you, even if he tries to make it about you. I am learning this lesson very slowly. And it takes effort and time. If you read enough posts here you'll quickly come to understand that you can't change the way he feels, all you can do is change how *you* feel. Work on reclaiming your own identity and your own life. I think that most of us who have lived with and loved addicts have trouble with that, but to begin that work is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself.
My AH has very moody/angry days. My plan is, if his negativity is ever really getting to me on any particular day, I'll just look up times for an Al Anon/Nar Anon meeting and attend one. Work/school/dance has kept me from going as regularly as I would like, but knowing that that support network exists helps a lot.

He is looking for a high that he got once and will never achieve again.

You are looking for love and kindness that he gave once that you likely will never get from him again. You certainly will never get it if he is using.

Can you see the insanity of a man that treats you "not as mean as usual" in exchange for your ok for him to do drugs? Do you see that he knows he treats you poorly but is willing to pretend to be nice in order to get what he wants? Is that how you want to live? This is one very messed up dude.

Healthy people are nice to each other because they love one another. Healthy people want to treat the people in their lives well because it makes them feel good to love and give, not because they get what they want that day.

This situation tells me he knows what you want and is only willing to give it at a price. It's costs him nothing to be kind to you, yet he is selfish with his love. When he's being less horrible than usual for a price, that is not even real or sincere. It's incredibly twisted.

He may have stopped doing drugs for a year, but I sincerely doubt it.

You deserve better.
You deserve love and kindness.

^^^^^^^THIS. I couldn't agree more with what Hanna said. Please see how his love comes with a condition....and I'm sorry, but that is not love, or at least not any kind of love that is worth the price you have to pay for it. You absolutely deserve better than to be manipulated in the name of love. Sending hugs.

After reading your other posts, I am more concerned about you! Please do not get tempted to take pills again. It's a very dangerous slippery slope as you have already experienced.

Also, I am not judging at all as to why you chose to pick an addict 25 yrs older than you who is emotionally unavailable but maybe it time for you to search for the reasons. Have you considered seeing a therapist?

I needed all of this. Posts and responses, too. Thanks to you all.

he doesn't resent you....he wants to do drugs and he wants you to quit giving him grief about it. as an addict there is no "just using once to get it out of my system" - he's back to drug craving and drug seeking. it really has very little to do with you at all. unless you get in the way or try to interfere.

Sorry, I just stumbled upon this post somehow and wanted to insert my humble opinion.

I am an addict.

I would say, do and promise ANYTHING for "just one more". I was manipulative, conniving, lying, and stealing to get what I wanted. I even promised myself I'd only do it once. Guess what? It NEVER stops at just one or just getting it out of our system. You already know this...

Please... if it's at all possible, walk away. Sometimes love just isn't enough, honey.

My BFF just broke up with her BF who has a gambling addiction. (trading options and stock market stuff.)

He, too, recently asked her permission to start trading again after he had already told her that he was going to stop doing it.

Why? Because he wanted to try to make some money to pay her back for her money he already lost doing risky trading stuff behind her back.

She thought it was thoughtful of him to ask for permission.

I told her it was manipulative and wrong.

Some of our other friends wound up having a telephone intervention type thing with her and told her how they felt about her being with this guy. They didn't like it.

She took it all to heart and talked to him yesterday and called it off.

It was painful for both of them, but she is now freed from the insanity of dating a guy who manipulates her and can't control his addiction.

As someone in another thread said recently -- if we're using "addict" and "boyfriend" in the same sentence, we need to wake up and realize there's no reason to be in that situation.

Pretty powerful statement, but certainly worth considering.

Sometimes when you're in the middle of the chaos you lose sight of exactly how crazy things have become. Take a minute and read this piece over again. Does this sound like a good relationship to you? Is this what you want?

Even though alcohol is not his drug of choice, my BF and I go to Al-Anon (for me) and AA meetings that are in the same location at the same time (different rooms). We ride together so I know he's there. Take him to the rooms. Take him to a Dr. to see what will help reduce the cravings and or mitigate his withdrawals (naltrexone, etc). Do NOT give him "permission" to use. Tell him you expect him to be nice and loving toward you even if he isn't using.

Yes you will continue that argument over and over. His resentment will build until he removes you from being an obstacle to his choice to use drugs.

OR

You remove yourself from this relationship that frankly is going no where except to cause you further hurt, pain and disappointment.

As you said, he is a lifelong opiate addict, history doesn’t repeat it self people repeat history. He is clearly showing you who he really is and not who you want to believe he can be.

He does not need your permission to live his life as he see fits to do and his decisions are not a reflection on you. The same goes for you. What possible good can come from being the third wheel in a relationship between a man and his opiates?

It's pretty hard not to take it personally. My gf doesn't seem to want to sober up, and I understand she's chemically dependent right now, BUT being around her when she's been drinking is so uncomfortable. Just everything. So I get a text that she got us dinner, so there's an expectation that I'll be there... Today I really can't, or I won't whatever. It was terrible trying to get myself off the merry go round, and i don't want to get sucked in with the big alcohol problem I had.

So I hope this isn't OT, it's just about tough choices, I don't want to walk away from someone I like and who maybe even needs some help... but I'm so drained. I want her to own it and fix it.