Reliving the Nightmare
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
figure, i can almost feel your pain you are expressing. it is so hard to get through. but we(all of us here)have to because we have a future, things to do, places to go, people to meet and future blessings to come in to our lives in so many different ways. it is hard to imagine it will happen. we have to believe it will. believe. not many letters in that word but it sooooooo very powerful.
is there any way you could change your number and keep it private so he would be unable to contact you? is this possible to do for your own best interests? if he is the one who enters and exits your life via phone and it causes this pain for you and stirs up these toxic emotions, too, can you implement a plan so he can not contact you?
just a suggestion and you may have already done it or said something here i have missed and i am not up to date.
prayers to you and remember....believe.
is there any way you could change your number and keep it private so he would be unable to contact you? is this possible to do for your own best interests? if he is the one who enters and exits your life via phone and it causes this pain for you and stirs up these toxic emotions, too, can you implement a plan so he can not contact you?
just a suggestion and you may have already done it or said something here i have missed and i am not up to date.
prayers to you and remember....believe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 69
I can't change my number because I use it for business purposes. Every time he comes back, I think I can handle it but end up giving in. I was stronger than I have ever been before this last time. I feel like I am getting better. I drink occasionally but I am not a user or self medicate either. I exercise. The only time I ever smoked weed was with him years ago just to see the way he acts....I know that was stupid. I used to do anything for him.
Katiekate: You said you did the right thing finally? What was that?
Katiekate: You said you did the right thing finally? What was that?
everyone for your posts....they mean a lot
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Well, Figure, I hope you can find it within you to banish him for good. Otherwise, you'll be reliving the nightmare over and over again.
Take care.
ZoSo
Take care.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
You said you were feeling better after a good deal of time with no contact with him. I was in the same boat as you and broke down and communicated with my ex 5 months ago. It was a huge mistake. It's been 5 months of madness.
Just FYI......your cell phone company I'm sure allows you to block callers. If he calls you from a different number after changing it again, you can always add that one to the block list. I just recently blocked my ex's cell phone and all work numbers.
I know it's difficult to not engage in communication but it sounds like he has treated you horribly and you deserve better.
Just FYI......your cell phone company I'm sure allows you to block callers. If he calls you from a different number after changing it again, you can always add that one to the block list. I just recently blocked my ex's cell phone and all work numbers.
I know it's difficult to not engage in communication but it sounds like he has treated you horribly and you deserve better.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
is it possible to get an additional phone for personal use so you can separate work from private/social life? also, my carrier can change my number but i can notify all selected contacts via text of my number being changed(i also use my phone for work as well and depend on it for income). i mentioned the two phones in the beginning but then i also thought--well he would still call the number and you would know--but aren't you able to block his number or any number he could ever call you from so you will not receive them any longer? each times it happens-just block it. trying to help you come up with working solutions here so you will not have to ride the roller coaster any time he so chooses. it's too hard to repeatedly go through.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
If it was important enough, you would change your number. There would be a period of dealing with the inconvenience of contacting people, updating business cards, websites, whatever, but it certainly is not an impossibility to change one's business number.
I think you know that, so the question is, why do you want him in your life? You apparently cannot let him go, so I think it's time to stop kidding yourself by somehow blaming him for what's going on. You want this, otherwise you would have made sure that he could not contact you again, or, at least, you would not have started fantasizing being with him, or talking to his current girlfriend, or allowing him to pingpong back and forth between the two of you. It sounds like you have little respect for yourself, and he knows how to use that to his advantage.
I allowed myself to be disrespected and abused, as well. I completely denied what was going on, even though every person in my life who really loved and cared for me told me the same thing: that I was allowing myself to be treated like an object, something without feelings, without spirit... For me, it's only been a few weeks in accepting the truth and making a change (cutting all forms of contact), so I am still "fresh," but the changes in my life and basic happiness so far have been dramatic.
The problem isn't him or how he "should" be changing – the problem is in you. Maybe the unfathomable grief of losing the child that the two of you had together is causing you to crave his presence again, but, from what you've written here, it doesn't sound like the healthiest way of dealing with your sadness... However, I don't want to play amateur psychologist – no matter what it is that is causing you to seek this pain in the form of his presence, you need to find out what it is. Otherwise, you will simply continue to allow him to degrade you.
As much as it hurts to hear it, you're the one who is responsible for your pain right now. Stop looking at him with a magnifying glass and pick up a mirror. I say that with experience, and with the desire that you remove yourself from this place of suffering.
I think you know that, so the question is, why do you want him in your life? You apparently cannot let him go, so I think it's time to stop kidding yourself by somehow blaming him for what's going on. You want this, otherwise you would have made sure that he could not contact you again, or, at least, you would not have started fantasizing being with him, or talking to his current girlfriend, or allowing him to pingpong back and forth between the two of you. It sounds like you have little respect for yourself, and he knows how to use that to his advantage.
I allowed myself to be disrespected and abused, as well. I completely denied what was going on, even though every person in my life who really loved and cared for me told me the same thing: that I was allowing myself to be treated like an object, something without feelings, without spirit... For me, it's only been a few weeks in accepting the truth and making a change (cutting all forms of contact), so I am still "fresh," but the changes in my life and basic happiness so far have been dramatic.
The problem isn't him or how he "should" be changing – the problem is in you. Maybe the unfathomable grief of losing the child that the two of you had together is causing you to crave his presence again, but, from what you've written here, it doesn't sound like the healthiest way of dealing with your sadness... However, I don't want to play amateur psychologist – no matter what it is that is causing you to seek this pain in the form of his presence, you need to find out what it is. Otherwise, you will simply continue to allow him to degrade you.
As much as it hurts to hear it, you're the one who is responsible for your pain right now. Stop looking at him with a magnifying glass and pick up a mirror. I say that with experience, and with the desire that you remove yourself from this place of suffering.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 69
This week has truly been a nightmare. I found myself feeling what his exgf was feeling and she was like looking in the mirror at myself. He text me ALL week wanting me to come see him. I told her as soon I tell him NO im not coming that he will be texting her and he did. Her stories were worse than mine. He broke up with her but wanted to remain living in the same apartment as her. She finally moved out on her own. He did not even help! She gave him a Fathers Day present of the sonogram of their child on Fathers Day. The baby was born in August and died the next day. When she asked several months later, where that was (he kept it in a draw), he had thrown it away in the garbage!!!! I cried when she told me all this. Whats worse, she said he was on Sex Dating, Adult Personals, Chat, Cams - Adult Friend Finder looking for SEX!!! he had both of us, he needed more??? OMG!! We busted him on there using his real name, real email address and he gave a girl his real address!! His ex gf thinks he really wasnt going to do anything......Im like WOW!!! She's like me when I used to be stuck so far in denial......All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I now see that he has gotten worse! I hate knowing that he is like this! He went through 4 jobs in one year when they were together and she was supporting him!!! What more can happen???
"I think you know that, so the question is, why do you want him in your life? You apparently cannot let him go" The answer is because I always worried about him and was scared something bad was going to happen to him. I want to know that he is alright and doing well. This has sickened me.
He started blowing my phone up and texting me after they talked and she told him everything. He sent me a text saying "That I WON again and that I am pathetic telling his exgf everything and that I always remind him of what an idiot he is."
I BLOCKED HIS NUMBER FINALLY!!!!! Something I have NEVER done before. I sent him an email telling him to NEVER contact me and that I never wanted to see his face or hear his voice ever again. I said that I truly loved him and cared about him but that I am tired of hurting. I believed in him for years and tried helping him for 10 years and I can't do it anymore.
When I talked to his ex this morning, she sounded so confused and feeling like it was her fault and she should have never told me about him being on that site and saying its her FAULT. I can tell by her words and her voice that she is not done with him yet. She kept saying she should not have snooped on his phone and told him the truth. I told her that we sought out the truth and thats what we found. All he is going to do is LIE and look right in our eyes and LIE and make excuses of what he did. I told her that he is going to cry and beg for her back now. He told her that I was CRAZY and a MISTAKER and that if I ever contacted her not to talk to me. That I am very convincing and that I lie! I don't know what she believes. I sent her a text saying that I hoped I helped her see the real him. Never did I ever think, this was going to effect me like this. I have relived all the pain and hurt in the past. I can't do this anymore. I can't function. I can't eat, sleep, work. I have no energy. I feel weak. He truly is a SOCIOPATH!!!!!
"I think you know that, so the question is, why do you want him in your life? You apparently cannot let him go" The answer is because I always worried about him and was scared something bad was going to happen to him. I want to know that he is alright and doing well. This has sickened me.
He started blowing my phone up and texting me after they talked and she told him everything. He sent me a text saying "That I WON again and that I am pathetic telling his exgf everything and that I always remind him of what an idiot he is."
I BLOCKED HIS NUMBER FINALLY!!!!! Something I have NEVER done before. I sent him an email telling him to NEVER contact me and that I never wanted to see his face or hear his voice ever again. I said that I truly loved him and cared about him but that I am tired of hurting. I believed in him for years and tried helping him for 10 years and I can't do it anymore.
When I talked to his ex this morning, she sounded so confused and feeling like it was her fault and she should have never told me about him being on that site and saying its her FAULT. I can tell by her words and her voice that she is not done with him yet. She kept saying she should not have snooped on his phone and told him the truth. I told her that we sought out the truth and thats what we found. All he is going to do is LIE and look right in our eyes and LIE and make excuses of what he did. I told her that he is going to cry and beg for her back now. He told her that I was CRAZY and a MISTAKER and that if I ever contacted her not to talk to me. That I am very convincing and that I lie! I don't know what she believes. I sent her a text saying that I hoped I helped her see the real him. Never did I ever think, this was going to effect me like this. I have relived all the pain and hurt in the past. I can't do this anymore. I can't function. I can't eat, sleep, work. I have no energy. I feel weak. He truly is a SOCIOPATH!!!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
Blocking his number is a good step in the right direction. You could also block this other girls number and block the email addresses as well. Someone here posted something like "when someone shows you who they are believe it." So true. Time to move on, move up, move away from the situation in order to focus on only you. I have to do the same. We all are working on it here in one way or another. Having NC in any shape or form with anyone related to the whole hurtful situation works. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes. We have a certain amount of control(email/texts/calls)and prevention mechanisms we can put in place to avoid future incidents we do not want to have happen. IMO, using them is part of getting off the roller coaster. Leaving open doors means leaving an opportunity for something to come through I do not need to see, feel, know or even be remotely tempted to entertain. I have enough to work on without anyone adding any extra. It's up to us to heal and learn.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I believed in him for years and tried helping him for 10 years and I can't do it anymore.
He truly is a SOCIOPATH!!!!!
Ten years is a long time trying to take care of a sick person. I think it's time...past time, really...that you take care of you.
Nice work on blocking his number. Keep it that way.
ZoSo
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by figure 
Why do I feel relief one minute and sad and depressed and crying and full of pain too....mixed emotions????
That's normal. It's perfectly normal.
When we have to say goodbye to people we care about even without addiction in the mix, it can be an incredibly painful thing to do. It's a loss. You're grieving. And that's really, really OK. As much as it sucks for you right now, these things happen to all of us at one point or another in our lives.
But now you have a chance to heal. And healing doesn't mean you forget about the person, or you stop caring about that person. What it means is slowly accepting that things have to be this way in order for you to be well. You can't be well if he's in your life. You gave it 10 years, Figure. Ten years. And your intentions, I'm sure, were the best. But you lost yourself during that time. My hope for you going forward is you learn how to love yourself, nurture yourself, and care for yourself.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
WOW Figure
I swore I was somehow reading my own stories in your post, just changing the location to NJ and DE and everything else is the same.
My ex was in a relationship with me for 18 months we lived together for a little over 2 months before I kicked him out. 3 miscarriages with me, the last one being the longest I was 5 months pregnant he left me for his long time ex who he was with the entire time he was with me, she too claimed she had a miscarriage with his child he lost his brother, when he left in August last year he didn’t know I was pregnant and I kept it like that and as soon as he came in back into my life BAM miscarriage due to the stress that comes with him. He swore when he came back to me on our unborn baby's life he will never hurt me again…well he did cheating with me with some girl he met on Craigslist.
My advice STOP TALIKNG TO THIS GF OR EXFG who ever she is. I have done that been there she may even end up staying with him but why should that bother you. Unless you like all the drama and the pain. STOP ANY AND ALL CONTACT WITH HIM AND ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH HIM MOVE ON.
I am sorry I can really relate to you but there comes a time when you just have to leave all the people and their BS and move on with your life. I did this I learnt the hard way. I even told people we knew I was leaving the country so they will not bother me.
You did it in the past and you survived and you will again.
I swore I was somehow reading my own stories in your post, just changing the location to NJ and DE and everything else is the same.
My ex was in a relationship with me for 18 months we lived together for a little over 2 months before I kicked him out. 3 miscarriages with me, the last one being the longest I was 5 months pregnant he left me for his long time ex who he was with the entire time he was with me, she too claimed she had a miscarriage with his child he lost his brother, when he left in August last year he didn’t know I was pregnant and I kept it like that and as soon as he came in back into my life BAM miscarriage due to the stress that comes with him. He swore when he came back to me on our unborn baby's life he will never hurt me again…well he did cheating with me with some girl he met on Craigslist.
My advice STOP TALIKNG TO THIS GF OR EXFG who ever she is. I have done that been there she may even end up staying with him but why should that bother you. Unless you like all the drama and the pain. STOP ANY AND ALL CONTACT WITH HIM AND ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH HIM MOVE ON.
I am sorry I can really relate to you but there comes a time when you just have to leave all the people and their BS and move on with your life. I did this I learnt the hard way. I even told people we knew I was leaving the country so they will not bother me.
You did it in the past and you survived and you will again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 69
WOW broken101.....God bless you....wow....your story is so similiar.
Why does it hurt so much doing the right thing? I had nightmares last night about him. I am so tired and emotionally drained from this past week.....but for some reason I feel like cleaning my house? I'm home alone right now and can't stop thinking about this stuff. I have to stop worrying and let God take over but it hurts so much.
Why does it hurt so much doing the right thing? I had nightmares last night about him. I am so tired and emotionally drained from this past week.....but for some reason I feel like cleaning my house? I'm home alone right now and can't stop thinking about this stuff. I have to stop worrying and let God take over but it hurts so much.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by figure
WOW broken101.....God bless you....wow....your story is so similiar.
Why does it hurt so much doing the right thing? I had nightmares last night about him. I am so tired and emotionally drained from this past week.....but for some reason I feel like cleaning my house? I'm home alone right now and can't stop thinking about this stuff. I have to stop worrying and let God take over but it hurts so much.
Why does it hurt so much doing the right thing? I had nightmares last night about him. I am so tired and emotionally drained from this past week.....but for some reason I feel like cleaning my house? I'm home alone right now and can't stop thinking about this stuff. I have to stop worrying and let God take over but it hurts so much.
I just looked back to all your post Figure you hae been holding on the a sinking boat for a very long time and you are drowing along with that boat, it time you let go an I know thats easier said that done trust me I would think since January I would be over this by now well I am not and it still hurt I am getting dressed for a date with a healthy normal guy and all I can think about is my ex but I try to not let it bother me to much I am putting him aside becuase I am 10000000% sure he isnt thinking about me right now. I am going go out and have a great Saturday and make myself happy. Cleaning is a good way to take your mind off him, after that find something else to do.
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