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The emails have started. Need some advice.

Old 04-27-2013, 04:09 AM
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The emails have started. Need some advice.

As many of you know, I left on a vacation that my ex was supposed to go on with my daughter and I without him. Our history is long and is the roller coaster ride you all know well. I was embarassed to post here again after doing so well without him for so many months. I felt better, stronger and emotionally healthier. Then, we came back in contact, he was off drugs for what I thought was a long time (wrong) and was the same person I knew once before (wrong again.) Wow, was I a fool. It's like I erased from my memory all the horrid things that he had done in active addiction just because he seemed to be the person I knew years before. Wrong! Like all of your stories, things seemed so great at first until...

Everything came crashing down a few weeks before vacation. Funny how in the truth will always reveal itself. Years ago I would snoop, go through phone, etc. Didn't need to this time. Put his coat on to go outside to smoke, reached in for a lighter, and pulled out Adderall, Vicodin and Xanax. Of course, "those have been there for a few weeks now" (B.S.), the next day when he was nodded out it was "I haven't been getting alot of sleep (um, that would be called too much Xanax buddy), on and on. Best part is I remained calm which in the past I wouldn't have and told him I wasn't angry and it was his relapse to deal with.

The week before vacation I was on a work trip and we talked about why he relapsed, why he felt he needed to take those pills, on and on and on. I would find out the days before this vacation he was on drugs the entire time we were having this talk! He had been on drugs on and off for months, continually relapsing, lying, manipulating and all the other wonderful traits that go along with addiction.

Last Friday night we went to see my friend's band play. I have my own confessions to make here. I knew he was on drugs but I also knew he left his phone in my car. My old behaviors came back full force. I went back to my car while he was helping my friend pack up his band equipment and riffled through his phone. Of course I found what i already knew.....calls to drug dealers, texts, etc. He came to my car and went ballistic. I kicked him out of my car, refused to drive him home and he ended up walking. This is after he physically ripped my jacket to get his phone back. I know I shouldn't be riffling through someone's phone and many of you have already told me in the past to not do it.

Saturday and Sunday were a disaster. I realized there's no way I can bring this person on this vacation. In the past I would have let it happen and in the past almost every vacation was ruined because of him coming off drugs, wanting drugs or being on drugs. At least I had enough sense to prevent this.

Sorry for the long post but I feel like I need to give some history here. Like some of you I was foolish enough to think even after the recovery I mistakingly thought I had for myself, things were going to be ok. He is not ok and obviously I will never be ok with him. He is nowhere near recovery and the risk is too high he will never find it. Yesterday after 6 days of being on vacation, his emails started filing in last night. This is what they say.....

"I didn't want to bother you while your on vacation and all but im really sorry for everything that went down. You asked me if I got your voice mail that morning and no I did not I still cant access it for some reason my password doesn't work anymore. Im sure you have a million reasons not to speak to me again and that is understandable.I do miss you and I promise ill cover you for the airfare I wasted I know you work hard for the money you earn and things are tight.I hope to hear back from you even if there is someone else in your life ok. There is much more I want to say I just wasn't really wanting to bum you out while you were in Florida "

Someone else in my life? OK what is he talkign about?!?! This is what he started texting me before I left for vacation. He claims someone told him that I was seeing someone else. Really? OK. Is this major delusion?

Several hours later I get "With all the lies I have pushed on you it is clear why things have ended so badly. Its as if my personality itself is part of the problem. I dont feel like I even have much purpose anymore. Is it weird to want to reinvent myself. From the first time I saw you I was moved and even till this day I have the same feelings. Im so very sorry for all the lies and hurtful things I have said. I think alot of what you say has been misunderstood."

In the past I would have immediately started responding. His subject like was "Can we talk". I blocked his calls before I left so he can't call me but there's no way for me to block email addresses from my work email and he knows that. I'm not responding to him while I'm here. I'm not ruining the last day of my vacation. However, I do have some important belongings of his at my house including his work briefcase with important paperwork in it that he needs to have back. Part of me thinks I should just email him back Sunday night, tell him I left that briefcase on my deck and tell him where he can get it and just leave it at that! Part of me wants to know where all this crazy info is coming from about me beign with someone else? Did someone really tell him that? Or is that some crazy conjured up story? Should I even care?! These emails are such a crock of sh--t!
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Old 04-27-2013, 04:19 AM
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And I should explain the airfare he's referring to is the $300 I paid for his ticket because i put it on my credit card and he was going to pay me back on vacation. Really? Let's think of what you really cost me here.........

$300 for the ticket
$800 oh hotel and car rental. we chose this location because his uncle had a hotel on the beach so we had free hotel and car for the week. I did NOT care. The $800 was worth him not coming on vacation with us.
$500 in personal belongings that you've destoyed before I left including my ripped jacket, purse and sunglasses

I guess what I'm thinking is "cost of having an addict out of my life = PRICELESS"
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Old 04-27-2013, 05:33 AM
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Madison, you are on vacation with your daughter...embrace the joy.

Leave the rest until you return home. You didn't pack your troubles, don't invite them in. Simply reply "I am on vacation and will discuss all this when I return"...then shut off the darn phone and enjoy the beauty with your daughter.

Or don't...but see? You get to choose here.
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Old 04-27-2013, 05:58 AM
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Actually I'm doing better than that. I filed the emails away so they're not in my inbox. My princess woke up early and watched the sun rise over the ocean with me. We are headed to beach with some new friends we met on the airplane that happen to live 10 min away from us back home. We are going to enjoy every last second here. So......I'm not responding at all. Period. It's that simple.
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Old 04-27-2013, 09:27 AM
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i've found that my ex will say things about somehow knowing i'm seeing someone else when i haven't been doing anything even close. i think it's a bluff to see what is going on without just coming out and asking. just my two cents on that portion of the messages.

but yes, please just enjoy your vacation!
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Old 04-27-2013, 09:42 AM
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I think mstrust, hit it on the head he probably is just fishing for info maybe even worried you took someone else on the vacation oh well too bad for him.

So......I'm not responding at all. Period. It's that simple = PRICELESS
That is some good recovery there I hope you enjoy the rest of your time there what wonderful memories for you with your daughter.
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Old 04-27-2013, 10:10 AM
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"cost of having an addict out of my life = PRICELESS"

That quite basically sums it all up.

You already know what the right decision is to do....leave and never look back. He is actively using, he lies, he destroyed your property, manipulates, shows you no respect, and is in full blown active addiction. You deserve so much better than this chaotic, unfulfilling and stressful life. You even said yourself how much better you life was going when you went no contact. I loved how addicts say things like "I didn't want to bother you on your vacation" but yet they text/call anyway and bother you. It's like saying I won't call and then calling.
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Old 04-27-2013, 10:34 AM
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IMO, his accusations of you being unfaithful are just manipulation and deflection by trying to put the blame on you for his actions. Don't buy into it, it's not worth your time.

Glad you are having a great vacation with your daughter. Good memories are priceless too.
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Old 04-27-2013, 10:39 AM
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I loved how addicts say things like "I didn't want to bother you on your vacation" but yet they text/call anyway and bother you. It's like saying I won't call and then calling.
This. is. it.
You are doing the right thing. Have fun with your daughter and your new found friends.

Throwing out that bit about you seeing someone else....that is bait.
Fishing for codies. Don't bite. You know what will happen.
Don't get hooked again.

Oh, watching the sun over the ocean. How perfectly glorious.!
I hope you are having so much fun with your daughter.

Beth
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Old 04-27-2013, 12:05 PM
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Wicked has it right........he's chumming for codie!

Pulling out all the stops...."you MUST be seeing someone"....next it'll be something you
are very sensitive about.....like "I wouldn't use if you _________________"

Blah,blah,blah..........it never changes.

You paid good money for your vacation.Enjoy it with your daughter as it was meant
to be enjoyed.Take that picture of you and her on the sand doing something silly
-----the one you will treasure forevermore.

Travel & tourism is the #1 industry on the planet.Their entire/sole function is to
provide you with joyful memories and fun---and to make you feel that you received
MORE than your money's worth.

So get rid of the roadblocks to happiness & let them do it!
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Old 04-27-2013, 12:42 PM
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"I didn't want to bother you while your on vacation and all but im really sorry for everything that went down. You asked me if I got your voice mail that morning and no I did not I still cant access it for some reason my password doesn't work anymore. Im sure you have a million reasons not to speak to me again and that is understandable.I do miss you and I promise ill cover you for the airfare I wasted I know you work hard for the money you earn and things are tight.I hope to hear back from you even if there is someone else in your life ok. There is much more I want to say I just wasn't really wanting to bum you out while you were in Florida "
Ever see that scene in Top Gun when Maverick was describing his engagement with a MiG-28 to Charlie and the class when Iceman coughs "bullsh*t"? That's what came to mind when I read his email to you. Bullsh*t.

Learn from your experiences. Accept responsibility for your choices. And lose him.

Best,
ZoSo
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Old 04-27-2013, 02:29 PM
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Enjoy your vacation and the beauty you have right now. It has to be wonderful!
The exact way your ex contacted you with some BS line(s)is exactly what mine did. It was a ploy, a set up and/or him testing the waters to see if I would engage. I DID. BIG MISTAKE. HUGE!!! I made it more than once, too. Maybe we all do. But I will not again if it even happens. No good ever, ever came from it in the end. And the end can be a day, a week, a month--whatever it is. I didn't "misunderstand" anything...I didn't "not love him"...I didn't "talk to" someone or anyone about anything. He came up with more BS situations and I mistakenly wanted to defend myself or explain myself or want him to understand. Yuck. I owed him not one more minute or anything at all. DELETE and BLOCK is the only way through it. I should have used those tools but I did not. It was all just more chaos, more interaction, more attention given to him. Don't fall for it if you can prevent it.
I chose to forget about the money, the material things and anything I left by accident or forgot. It was either that or interact with him about the things and he was not going to be at all normal and just let me have them. Oh no...a whole other person came out...very ugly person. I said "forget it" and that was it. Look, I even need the money and the goods, too, BUT NO WAY. I will figure it out without it.
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Old 04-27-2013, 04:06 PM
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Watching a sunrise with your daughter sounds wonderful.

You get to choose your world and who gets to share it...and who doesn't.

You are surrounded by a loving daughter and friends...life doesn't get better than that. Enjoy every minute.

Hugs
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Old 04-27-2013, 05:05 PM
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Good job on not responding to his bait. How about blocking all of his emails? Or, you could have them directly forwarded to a folder where you don't feel like you have to read them. Or, just hit "delete" if you see his email.

It's great you are having a wonderful vacation with your daughter. The beach is a wonderful place to get perspective, relax, and build memories. You don't have to do anything right now or think about what is happening back home. Just watch those waves go in and out and listen to the surf. Feel the sand on your toes. That's a wonderful place to back to in your mind when you need to relax back at home.
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Old 04-27-2013, 05:09 PM
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My baby is asleep. We had an amazing last day here. All I can say is thank you to the SR community and I hope some day I can pay it back. As I read through all of your comments, I almost laughed. Didn't quite get there but had a smile on my face. Not that any of this is funny but a smile because I didn't give in and I just let it go and gave some time for myself and my daughter. Patience. The answers came to me here. It's funny that I thought this entire dramatic scene about me being accused of being with someone else was really unique to me. I mean, my ex and I grew up in a small town together so I thought "hm, maybe someone did make up a bunch of gossip, who knows, it is a small town after all and people talk because they are bored." WRONG. I mean, you almost have to laugh at the hysteria of it all.

Obviously I haven't been able to trust myself in the past with this relationship. Those are issues I must face when I get home starting tomorrow. It brings a sense of peace to know that I can at least reach out here for some advice before I react. Thank you. Even if I had responded with something simple like "I will discuss this when I get home" I would have just been watching for some reply back even if I didn't want it.

One last time....thank you for sharing your lives and experiences. This vacation has been amazingly peaceful, relaxing and fun. I will not respond back to him until tomorrow. Like I said I do have important belongings of his to give back that he needs for work. The sooner I can rid of these things the better but I will not worry about it until then.
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Old 04-27-2013, 05:12 PM
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And oh, I must say that if this were me a year ago, two years ago, I would have read your comments and would have interpreted them as "they don't know me!", "they don't know how different he and I are!", "they are just bitter!". If I just knew then what I know now. It reminds me of the sticky called "Why People Respond The Way They Do".
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Old 04-27-2013, 05:53 PM
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So glad the beach is where you are and you chose to ignore and enjoy. A thought occured to me about "the things" needing to be exchanged. All situations are different and all choices to deal are different, too. If the ex is really playing games, actively using and not in rehab/recovery, creating chaos and manipulating then throw in the unknowns of how things can go anyway known to man when least expected(meaning best of intentions to just get the things back and that be it but BAMMM something doesn't go just so)then maybe you don't have to be "the one" to give him his things at all. A friend, a family member or anyone you trust to do it could do it. I say this because I myself proposed to my ex for his own mother to drop my things to me, for anyone he wanted to drop my things to me, for him to MAIL me a check versus us meeting or seeing each other. I got nothing from any option I presented. It wasn't about a need for me to see or even talk to him--that was made clear--it didn't matter though. Only thing I felt was frustration--once again. That's when I threw in the towel and decided it wasn't worth it. The "things" were being used as tools in the game again. Nothing is worth the feelings that come with it!
Never doubt yourself and don't get tangled in a web. Also, who cares what anyone, anywhere "says" or "gossips" about--you know the truth and it's all that matters. People will talk about anything no matter what. Just don't engage. I tell you this because I have to tell myself the same thing! I may have to deal with my ex popping up in the future myself--I don't know--no one does--but this forum sure has helped prepare me if I have to. Here's the thing: I DON'T HAVE TO.
I've had 11 days of peace, good sleep, a feeling of well being even if sadness or a thought or two creep in here and there, a normal routine and most of all no confusion. I feel this for a reason. He isn't in my life now. 'Nuff said.
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Old 04-27-2013, 06:06 PM
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11 days of peace.
You rock,peacedove!

whaddya say you go for 12!
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Old 04-27-2013, 06:14 PM
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Hell to the yes I'm going for 12! Are you kidding me?? I'm on a roll here! I so pray it will stay this way!! Thanks!
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Old 04-27-2013, 07:24 PM
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Not that any of this is funny
Well, outside looking in, some of this is pretty funny in a warped, dark humor sort of way.

The email that he sent was, to me, funny. And it's funny because he's so clearly full of sh*t, he knows he's full of sh*t, and yet he expects you to fall for it once more. When I read that email, I can almost hear the "Looney Tunes" theme, or "Yakity Sax" from The Benny Hill Show playing in the background.

So, good for you for not allowing him to ruin time with your child. Good for you for not allow him to ruin your vacation.

ZoSo
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