Angelscry

So I am to blame for the relapses because of not providing a stable environment for Recovery.

So the other day my AH and I had a huge argument and he called in the Pastor. Long story short one of them told me that the my AH needs a stable environment in order for him to be stay sober. With other words from my part I need to ensure that there is calmness in the house. That would be easy if my AH would not look for things to fight about. I got very, very upset because to me it felt like he indirectly blames me for my AH relapses. I understand that my reaction to the situation can cause an emotional imbalance in the addict and that leads to his relapse but how is this my fault. Are we not all responsible for our own feelings and actions is that not what the bible teaches, we will all carry our own load?
Then it gets even better, my mom suffers from Bipolar mood disorder and the Pastor asked me what are the chances that I suffer from that? So my dear AH always calls me crazy and he has succeeded in making my own Pastor think I’m crazy. I feel offended very offended, I am now the crazy one and I must say I am beginning to worry about my own mental state just because THEY think I’m crazy. I am just so sick of everyone telling me to make life as comfy as possible for the addict. It’s as if they somehow forgot the suffering that the Addict caused the family, what about my kids if I have to focus so much on making life comfortable for the recovering AH? I am wrong because I get upset for things that my AH does, does not do and continues to do. Should I have added that I am only human a very tired human? It’s always the poor addict, I don’t want peoples pity but why am I always the one who is wrong. We argued about not having money to buy diapers for the baby, I earn the big salary and he earns halve of what I make a month. He caused all the debt and that is why we did not have money. And the least I wanted him to do is go out and borrow some money somewhere for diapers but NOOOO I have to constantly do everything. So I got upset, really upset and I gave him a mouthful and he then went running to the pastors. They told me I should remember his illness and keep in mind it’s not easy for him, they made it sound as if I am being inconsiderate towards him which I am not. I don’t know what is wrong with me but I feel that he created his own mess and He must work at getting himself out of it. And I also feel that I am not responsible for his feelings and actions what ever happened to free will, where we all have a choice on how to respond etc. I am so fed up with this after everything I have done and still do for him he has the nerve of making me out to be the crazy, bad wife! He always wants to be the victim and he never wants to accept that he does things wrong. Its ok for him to lose his temper and to humiliate me but when I do it then he runs to church to consult the Pastor. It has gotten to the point that I resent him and we don’t share a bed anymore. He wants everything to be like it was because he is not using anymore and I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I can’t just go back to how we were so much has happened and I have been hurt deeply. I’m tired of the blame game, I don’t enjoy having a conversation with him at all because it always ends up in an argument. I realize that getting clean and staying clean is hard work but I don’t think that the Pastors from our church really understand how my AH addiction affects me. I try really hard to forgive, my emotional wounds are still so fresh which makes it so difficult for me. But I know if I take it one day at a time I will be able to forgive him for everything that happened.
I am sorry this is so long I guess I just needed to vent a little, thanks for reading.

Faithlove

One of my and my AH's good friends is a professor (who teaches graduate students counseling) and he attends church with us. He has also had this conversation with me. I was furious and shocked!! Here he is, a Christian leader, and a professor; he should know that I AM POWERLESS OVER THE ADDICT AND THE ADDICT'S ADDICTION!! I posted about this on here when it happened.

It is not within your control to keep your AH from relapsing, or even from having a bad day. The choices he has made and continues to make will and do have consequences for him. If he wants a serene home, he needs to help contribute to that. No one should expect you to ensure it. Your AH needs to deal with life on life's terms. If he's having a hard time, he should probably learn to lean on his HP.

You sound very stressed and I'm so sorry you're going through this! You are not the on who made him an addict. You can not keep him from relapsing.

He is a big boy and a parent. He needs to act like one. I'm pretty sure you didn't take him to raise. Your pastors appear to be ignorant on the dynamics of addiction. They also appear to be a bit male chauvinistic. I could be wrong though.

My HP, God, does expect me to love my neighbor; be my brother's keeper; and be submissive to my husband. However, God also created me in His image and gave me a brain to think with. I'd be insulting Him if I didn't use it! Loving an addict means not enabling him. Don't do for your AH what he can do for himself. He doesn't get a pass on life because he was or is an addict.

Try to remove the addiction (read Lily's post) and think about whether the way your AH treats you is acceptable. God tells me that my husband should love me just as God loves the Church. He gave His life for the Church. Is your AH sucking the life out of you or building you up?

You're not crazy! You've been through, and continue to endure, a very difficult and emotionally draining time. I started seeing a counselor and was diagnosed with situational depression (because of the environment I allowed myself to live in with my AH). My AH has also called me crazy. It cuts right through me!!! He's the one that made me this way. BUT, I'm the one that allowed him to do it.

I've moved out of our marital home. Life is much, much better. It wasn't easy and it's still hard to see him hurting but I don't believe God wants me or my kids to live in misery.

Sending hugs and prayers to you!!!

Angelscry

Thank you Faithlove, you know its at the point where I am seriously also considering moving out or asking him to leave. I told the Paster how I feel and how NA encourages both the addict and loved one to each focus on their own recovery but they did not understand what I was saying. Growing up with a mentally ill mom instilled this fear in me that I would turn out like her. And that is why it really hurts like hell when he calls me crazy. He is not building me up at all, he is sucking the life right out of me. I am so tired and i am just grateful that I got over the depressed feeling. Thanks I will read lily's post.
(huggs)

Ann

Angel, when active addiction lives in the home there can be no peace, it becomes toxic. Addiction is truly a family disease and anyone who hasn't been through this has no idea of how wearing it all can become.

Your pastor is just one person, a person who I suspect has no first hand experience with how toxic a relationship can become when drugs are involved. He knows not of what he speaks.

Find your peace, whether it is by going to meetings or taking time for yourself away from all this, but find your peace and then decide if this is how you want to live your life. And don't worry what anyone thinks, what is important is that you and your child are living in peace in a safe environment and whatever it takes to do that is worth doing.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Hugs

Angelscry

Ann you are right he does not have first hand knowledge of addiction and I promise you I do try to be calm and detach but its not always that simple. And I know our Pastor means well and wants to help cause that is what he said but the Bible in this case is not a cure all. I do believe that my HP will help me through this and give me knowledge and stregth.
(huggs)

Lily1918

If he wants a more calm and stable environment, why doesn't he got to a sober living house? just curious.

zoso77

No.

ZoSo

AnvilheadII

well maybe if the pastor thinks your H is in such need of a more stable environment, HE can take him in.

zoso77

Is the Pastor a mental health professional?

Is the Pastor an expert on addiction?

Pardon my bluntness, but the very premise of blaming you for not providing a stable environment for your husband's recovery is the biggest crock of sh*t I've read here in a while.

Your husband's recovery is his responsibility, not yours. And if he feels he's not in a stable enough environment, tell him he's free to look for one that suits him.

And ice the Pastor. What goes on between you and your husband is none of his business.

ZoSo

Lily1918

I find such a stark contrast between your pastor and mine. I just got out of a relationship counseling session with him and my addict. He does pray for healing for D, but he has encouraged us all to not live with him at this point and time, and has asked and asked and asked and offered for D to go to a sober living house instead of his own apartment.

hmmm... to each his own. my addict tried blaming me for him not coming to church on Sunday, and pastor said no D. She is responsible for her own walk and you for yours. Between the two of you it is you that should be the spiritual leader, addiction or not. Im concerned that you are blaming her for your decisions because that's exactly what Adam did to eve.

how in the world is any of this your fault????

allforcnm

You and your children shouldn't be living in an unstable environment. But, your husband shouldn't either.

In defense of your pastor I will say that when I talked to my pastor he had the same line of encouragement. In the beginning when my husband was in active addiction, I was angry and disregarded all his advice. (Although the pastor never told me to stay in a bad environment). I now regret not listening to him more. He knew my beliefs, my values, neutral on emotion because he was an outside observer so to speak. Later when my husband went into recovery I followed pastors advice, along with rehab advice. Support my husband in his recovery, do my best to work out the marital issues with him, learn to forgive, and move past it together.

Two things I've realized, you don't have to be living together to begin this process especially if emotions are too raw. And both people have to be willing to work at it equally. Marriage counseling helped us, after we each had a bit of time to work on our own issues.

Also, Ive no idea the experience of your pastor, but mine had counseled many others along his way, all kinds of issues. And if he reads up on the medical aspect of addiction and combines that info with his own personal beliefs; it could be where his advice comes from. I'm sure he means well, but you don't have to agree with him.

And you are never the cause of someones relapse. All of us have to learn coping mechanisms, that is our individual responsibility. But your husbands are broken right now, so I'm sure he believes in his mind the stress triggers him to fall back into old patterns of using to cope. But, still not the same as your causing his relapse.

cynical one

Take the use of drugs out of it, when did name-calling become acceptable behavior?

Has your husband ever been to rehab, or has there ever been any separation where you have not been living together?

Sara21

You are NOT crazy, and his addiction is NOT your fault. You know what you have been through and lived through, your pastor does not.

I went to a church for a while where once a week they had meetings for addicts and their family members. Some of the leaders of the group were recovering addicts and one of the recurring themes was personal responisbility. It was very helpful to me because after the meetings I felt stronger and uplifted. If this pastor is not helping you, and they're actually making you feel worse, then maybe you should find another pastor.

Hugs

Angelscry

Thanks Lily in our country we only have rehab centres and no sober living houses. That would have helped a great deal, I told him I think he needs some time away but he keeps on say he has nowhere to go.

Angelscry

Lol yes I must say I was so upset I almost said that to the Pastor.

Angelscry

Tx Allforcnm I have come to accept that I am not responsible, my AH told my pastor that I wait for him at the door and look him over to see if he has not used and then when he does relapse I do not support him but rather say what is the use he is even trying only to be using again in a matter of days after swearing he was done using. I admited that to our pastor and told him I did handle the whole relapse thing very wrong because I just become so discouraged at him. And I just cannot trust a word he says let alone support him. But I am willing to work on that, we have been to a counsellor and are due to go again.

Angelscry

Thanks Zoso, NOand NO he is not, unfortunately. My husband is the one who goes running to our Pastors for help when we hit a 'roadblock' in our marriage. And that is why the Pastor is involved. He is a mature man and really means well but like you said he has never dealt with addiction before and I think he thinks the Bible is a cure all. It is a great help, but it depends on us as individuals to apply the Bible in our lives.

neferkamichael

Angelscry, maybe you are crazy, what are you still doing there? Just kidding. Was there a lot of religion involved before he got sober? I mean did he run to the pastor and ask where can I find some meth, that sorta thing? Pretty much in a christian society a "wife" is a "mother" you can have sex with. You are supposed to run around for the rest of you marriage cleaning up all his spills and leaks. All you are ever going to get from a pastor, preacher is an answer that puts you in a subordinate position to a man. He wouldn't even borrow money for diapers for his child. Pitiful. Rootin for ya Angelscry.

shinebright7

Like ZoSo said in another thread...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...
Except in the case of addiction...then get the hell out!

(Something close to that.)

I'm starting to think that when it comes to addiction, all bets are off.

Like what I would normally do to help someone, does not apply.

Who I would normally go to for help, can not necessarily help me.

Why? Because it's like dealing with a zombie or werewolf or something...

Something comes over my husband and there is no rational thinking there anymore.

Who would try to talk sense into a flesh eating zombie standing in front of you?

Or a werewolf who was bearing its teeth under the full moon?

In those movies where some flesh eating virus starts spreading around suddenly --- if they find out their family member has been infected, their quarantine them and won't go near them to preserve their own well-being.

They still love your family member, but they realized their loved one is infected and sick and if they're not careful, they're going to get those insidious virus germs all over themselves and THEY are going to die too.

So doctors and therapists and pastors, etc. who aren't familiar in dealing with these zombie, werewolf, mega-virus infected people...can't advise us how to behave around them.

This is why it's so important to have forums like this and Al Anon/Nar Anon meetings where we can learn from those who have been there. Our experience is what makes us competent to speak and share our experience, strength, and hope (ESH) so that others can find their way too.

They say that we can get sympathy and pity from others maybe, but only from others who are going through the same thing, can we get understanding and learn what it's like to live with an addict, and find effective ways of managing ourselves and our lives in this situation.

Angelscry -- I'm sorry for what you're going through and that your pastor is not familiar enough with addition to help you with his guidance. I trust that as you stay here and maybe check out an Al Anon meeting near you that you will continue to find the support you need to take care of yourself and let yourself off the hook in terms of what your husband is doing. It is absolutely not your fault that he is doing what he's doing.

zoso77

What your husband is doing is a form of splitting: he's manipulating the situation such that you and the Pastor are at odds and your husband's the "victim". Disgusting, but not at all surprising. I'd be willing to bet what your husband is telling him isn't exactly the truth.

I would encourage you to, if the situation presents itself, tell your Pastor as respectfully as you can to get lost. You need to be delicate when you do so, and as you said, he means well. But he's out of line, and he's being used by your husband.

ZoSo