So I am to blame for the relapses because of not providing a stable environment for R
Orange Lily
Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by zoso77 
What your husband is doing is a form of splitting: he's manipulating the situation such that you and the Pastor are at odds and your husband's the "victim". Disgusting, but not at all surprising. I'd be willing to bet what your husband is telling him isn't exactly the truth.
I would encourage you to, if the situation presents itself, tell your Pastor as respectfully as you can to get lost. You need to be delicate when you do so, and as you said, he means well. But he's out of line, and he's being used by your husband.
ZoSo
I would encourage you to, if the situation presents itself, tell your Pastor as respectfully as you can to get lost. You need to be delicate when you do so, and as you said, he means well. But he's out of line, and he's being used by your husband.
ZoSo
I'm sorry to hear your pastor is trying to take you back a step, not recognizing how scary this all is. Time to find a new pastor or to find a better support point.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by Angelscry
But I know if I take it one day at a time I will be able to forgive him for everything that happened.
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Is your Pastor a licensed counselor educated about drug addiction and it's effects on the family? If not, I would seek Professional advice and let him know you appreciate his spiritual guidance but are working with a counselor about these issues specific related to disease and drug addiction.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by neferkamichael
Angelscry, maybe you are crazy, what are you still doing there? Just kidding. Was there a lot of religion involved before he got sober? I mean did he run to the pastor and ask where can I find some meth, that sorta thing? Pretty much in a christian society a "wife" is a "mother" you can have sex with. You are supposed to run around for the rest of you marriage cleaning up all his spills and leaks. All you are ever going to get from a pastor, preacher is an answer that puts you in a subordinate position to a man. He wouldn't even borrow money for diapers for his child. Pitiful. Rootin for ya Angelscry. 
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Hi Hanna no he is not a licensed counselor and as far as I can see his knowledge where drugs are concerned is very limited. We are working with a counselor, I hate to make people feel that they not needed but I really need to tell him that his well meaning advice is not always that helpful.
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[QUOTE=Marshmallow;3946861] But my feelings I can tell change over time. Marshmallow you just about summed up my feelings its maddening sometimes but I allow myself to feel what I feel, I admit how I am feeling and then I try to deal with it. I hope that things improve for us and our husbands this is a very difficult thing to go through, but at least we have got the fellowship meetings and each other.
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I am adamant that us Alanoners cement in our heads that We didn't cause the alcoholism, can't control/change it, and can't cure it.
Angelscry: from my heart I thank you for your posts. You will be okay.
If anything, don't nag him!!! and that's pretty easy to take care of.
But seriously, many people outside of our relationships think they know what is best for us. Most don't know anything about alcoholism, addiction, codependency. They tend to shame us and lay guilt and responsibility for others on us.
I run into people from my past who seem to think I stopped existing after we last met. 30 years later they think I am the same person. I'm saying many people don't gives us credit for our daily recovery and only focus on the past. As your AH recovers you don't remain inert. You have also been growing and changing.
The disease itself doesn't have anything to do with you. And his recovery must be solely his own responsibility no matter what the living conditions are like.
As a kid I remember my mother talking about how a minister shamed our aunt in remaining in an abusive alcoholic marriage. She did stay married. He died drunk. I don't know what her life would have been like, but it wouldn't have had all the children bolting at age 18, and one of them raising a shotgun to their father.
Actually, I'm a bit miffed at your pastor. Could you politely tell him to go to hell? JK
Angelscry: from my heart I thank you for your posts. You will be okay.
If anything, don't nag him!!! and that's pretty easy to take care of.
But seriously, many people outside of our relationships think they know what is best for us. Most don't know anything about alcoholism, addiction, codependency. They tend to shame us and lay guilt and responsibility for others on us.
I run into people from my past who seem to think I stopped existing after we last met. 30 years later they think I am the same person. I'm saying many people don't gives us credit for our daily recovery and only focus on the past. As your AH recovers you don't remain inert. You have also been growing and changing.
The disease itself doesn't have anything to do with you. And his recovery must be solely his own responsibility no matter what the living conditions are like.
As a kid I remember my mother talking about how a minister shamed our aunt in remaining in an abusive alcoholic marriage. She did stay married. He died drunk. I don't know what her life would have been like, but it wouldn't have had all the children bolting at age 18, and one of them raising a shotgun to their father.
Actually, I'm a bit miffed at your pastor. Could you politely tell him to go to hell? JK
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Thank you wiscsober, I think I am going to politely tell him that he does not understand addiction and then suggest he speak to someone who can give him some insight. Then I will tell him that we are seeing a counsellor and that he must also be carefull not to get used by my AH I think zoso said that Adicts can be manipulative at times and I have seen as much. Ill try my bestest not to nag, still working on that one!
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Originally Posted by Angelscry
Thank you wiscsober, I think I am going to politely tell him that he does not understand addiction and then suggest he speak to someone who can give him some insight. Then I will tell him that we are seeing a counsellor and that he must also be carefull not to get used by my AH I think zoso said that Adicts can be manipulative at times and I have seen as much. Ill try my bestest not to nag, still working on that one!
You are doing well and deserve a lot of credit for being a loving and caring person.
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