Lily1918

the drug side of things? you don't just casually smoke heroin, let alone slam it with needles. Anyone who insects anything is an addict.
at the top of the forum is a sticky thread called what addicts do. Its a very good read.

BlueSkies1

What a fun loving guy! No responsibilities either! Allowance forever...kid and wife out of the picture so that he doesn't have to leave his own playground in his head for even a minute!
He's not Robin Hood...He's Peter Pan.
Ever heard of the Peter Pan theory? It's about men that never grow up, just like in the story.
Listen, he's fun, he's got money, and that beautiful house on the beach. But he's not you...and you're not him. That's HIS life.

Let's talk about your life.
What about you? Who are you, all on your own? You're contemplating divorce. You're wondering if this particular grass you are standing on is greener than the one you're taking a break from.
You have emotional issues to work out, and recover from, should you get a divorce. It's not in your best interest to throw aside your reality and contemplate being supported by this guy. You have so much baggage on your plate right now!

This guy will be fun loving no responsibilities as long as life lets him get away with it, which could be...forever.

I'm wondering why his exwife took his daughter away from him...maybe because he was more of a kid than the kid?
Maybe she didn't like needles around her daughter.
Maybe she didn't like the cops coming to the door.
Maybe she wanted a stable home for her daughter.
Maybe she wanted sanity.

You could move in permanently with this guy. You can join this fun loving life. I'm just wondering if over time...you would feel the same way the ex wife does...or if you can truly manage living in his Peter Pan world forever.

Does he want to get married again? What are you risking? Who are you leaving behind? What if after a year, he tires of you? What if your romance goes badly? What if...what if...what if....

If you are contemplating leaving your husband, the questions going through your mind at this point in life should not be about this fun loving guy. The questions should be how can I support and take care of my daughter all on my own?!!!
If the potential romance with this guy goes great for awhile...are you prepared should it fall apart?
Just remember we all have our own motives in life, and this guy is his fun loving lifestyle. You are NOT going to trump that. You are not going to come before that, and neither is your daughter.

peacedove

I did not "trump" the fun lifestyle of alcohol, parties, weed, cocaine, a particular group of friends or the plan of a family and home/marriage and stable environment with his two children. Nope. Suddenly, I was told "THIS is boring. YOU are boring." The day before, he said he loved me, his kids loved me and the stability I gave him was awesome. Shocked? Yes, I was. But it is par for the course. Drugs first. Always. My story.

PineappleCity

I never imagined that about construction workers and roofers. I had been reading here and then saw that post and it hit home, I guess it makes sense and I know my friend likes that work because he can do it as he pleases.

The officer that came to his house didnt even seem to care about the drugs and it makes me feel like there is some twilight zone going on in this town.

PineappleCity

again, we are only friends, and have been for over 10 years. I dont have those kinds of feelings for him, they were replaced long long ago. and I am married still. Appreciate the concern, but Im not here to start anything like that with him. My concern for him is only as a friend, and we have kept up and shared a lot over the years from a distance.

PineappleCity

I had a long talk with my friend yesterday. He admitted to me that he is using heroin on a regular basis. I dont know if that means he is already addicted, but I am very worried about him now. He has always had some type of emotional issue I know this, and I cant help but think he is somehow self medicating. whats awful is there is no one in his life that I can even talk to. Im thinking tomorrow I will talk to my husband about it all. Cant sleep, it makes me feel sad all this has happened to him.

peacedove

I don't understand many things and I'm working on many things. Some of this here really confuses me though. Police officers who physically pick up drugs(while you are watching=a witness)but let it slide by, police officers who take someone to jail knowing what they know but the person they took is released as a favor or some other reason. Ummm, I get we live in a world where favors get done, people turn their heads and people even try to help others when they can regardless of what is happening. But this here really doesn't add up to me. I'm not in it so maybe this is why. Others here may be able to shed some light for me, also. I do hope you are able to work through it because it is, no doubt, very confusing. IMO, if he is "using on a regular basis" there is your answer.

Ann

Nobody uses heroin "recreationally".

My dear, he is an active addict and you and your daughter are in grave danger staying with him...no matter how pretty the beach or lovely the fairy tale may seem...you are both in grave danger.

Please stop worrying about him, there is help for him if he wants it and if he wants it he can find it all by himself.

Take that worry and go look in the mirror...maybe with your daughter beside you. You could lose your daughter, you could go to jail...just for knowing he has drugs in the house.

The police warned you...please listen.

There is no "happy ever after" in this story, just danger for you and your daughter.

You say you are trying to understand, yet people here have told you exactly how it is. You can believe them or believe the fairy tale, but either way please get your daughter to safely.

Hugs

peacedove

On reflection of my own scenario, I DID NOT KNOW for sure what was going on until I did. Now that I do know for sure I have to take steps for myself accordingly. It may sound selfish to some or it may sound as if I do/did not love enough or care enough about my ex when I say this: I can not RISK being associated with/physically with him or I am placing myself in a position of danger, arrest or any other things possible when it comes to drugs. Everything in my life would be affected because of an arrest or anything else even though I am not a user or an addict or even involved with the illegal activity myself. Here I am--just me--no child of my own--and that one portion of it scares/scared me enough to smack myself super hard and stay the heck away. I could say anything I wanted to if something went down and it wouldn't matter nor would I be able to prevent the fallout or the aftermath it created in my life.
A child changes everything in a scenario. Protect the child and get away. It is the responsible thing to do as an adult. It doesn't matter if someone is "kind" to or "plays with" a child if they are an addict or a user and you actively know it. The child relies on the parent to make the hard decisions and only place the child in truly safe and healthy environments. His environment is not safe or healthy nor is his current mental stability or even his lifestyle and/or life.
Saying things like "Peter Pan" this or that, righting wrongs for others, etc...this is some magical little world he lives in. But you don't have to. The child comes first always.
Never risk losing your child or yourself. If you are willing to lose yourself then your child will also lose you.
This man can find his own way. He always has. He is grown. The idea he doesn't have anyone to rely on or talk to or his past has been difficult, etc..well, yes he does have people he can talk to and he will.
If for no other reason in the world--think of your child and get out, get away and stay away for the best interest of the child.
Give all the attention and energy and thoughts to your child instead of this guy. And yourself. Take care of yourself, too.
God bless you and your child.

LoveMeNow

He must have one heck of an expensive habit if he is gets an "allowance" and still needs to resort to stealing.

He may seem fun but did you know his brain has been rewired? It is now operating in survival mode, fight or flight. Drugs for him at the point are like air for us! If he were to try and stop, he would be so dope sick, it would probably scare the heck out of you.

Coming between an addict and their drugs can be a very dangerous situation. Needle users have some kind of twisted love affair with their "gear" usually referred to as "her or she." The addiction has more to do with just the drug. Scoring it, preparing it....all that goes into before actually slamming it (shooting it) has its on ritualistic "high." Keep reading and educating yourself. This should not be minimized in any way shape or form because drugs steal their soul and hijack their brain.

PineappleCity

All the replies are helpful to me. I am feeling very torn on what to do. To answer a couple questions, I dont understand why the police did noting about the drugs. I talked to my husband yesterday about all of it, even though we are seperated right now and thinking of divorce, we still maintain a close friendship. The more I am away from him the more I am beginning to appreciate many of his qualities that I may have been taking for granted. He has no addiction issues by the way. He was saying that maybe there was not enough drugs there, or maybe they needed a warrant for drugs like someone here mentioned, or they knew nothing would come of it. I dont know and I am tempted to go talk to the police officer. My husband thought it might also be a good idea. This is a small community where he lives, outside a bigger area, but it feels small here and quaint sort of.

My husband was also shocked about the drugs, neither us ever suspected drugs were involved with him. We knew he drank too much sometimes. My husband wants me to come home this week. He wants our daughter out of here, and I agree. Its not that I dont feel safe now, but realize this is an unpredictable situation, and its not safe like you all were trying to tell me.

I talk to my friend yesterday too. I told him I thought it was about time I went home, even though I had planned to stay a few weeks longer in the beginning. He knows it is because I am upset over all that Ive found out and has happened. he sort of got angry, then sad and was making me feel so guilty because he said he opened up to me, and I talked to my hsuband, who of course knows none of his family or friends anyway. Then he started in on how much it has meant for him to have me here, and many things from our past. he said he has not been using any drugs since we have been here. I told him if he is addicted then it would not be possible because he would have got sick stopping. He said he is not addicted. I think he is in denial about it. he went on about how he uses only to calm his mind, but the other day he admitted it was regular use. he didnt say everyday though, I feel confused about all of this. He had me crying because I dont want to leave him like this, all alone and not knowing how bad off he is. Dammmm this is hard. I relented and have not made arrangements to leave YET. I am now worried he may become very depressed once we leave. I know its not my problem all of this, but how do you not care about what happens to a long time friend.

PineappleCity

When he told me he wasnt using since we have been here, I thought about how he has not been sick at all. I was reading about how people get very sick from heroin if they stop and he is not, no way I could miss it. he is either using and lying, or somehow he is not physically addicted. lying is more likely. i did read a bunch of stuff about the brain and I see what you are saying. I think there has always been a little something off about my friend. he has always been grown up, but also not grown up. but he seems to manage, but now I am recalling he told me before about getting by with a little help from his friends. I dont know if the friends are people, because they dont seem to be around here not in the caring sense, but maybe his friends have been drugs instead.

Hanna

I am absolutely floored that you have a child right now in a house with needles and heroin in it and you are posting on a web forum about how to help some old friend who is an addict and a thief. Your obligation is to that child. Period. Please wake up and get her out of there. This is a very messed up situation.