What do I tell my kids?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2
What do I tell my kids?
I will try to keep this short, but am hoping for some advice from someone who may be experiencing something similar. I was with my husband for 20 years until 1 year ago. We have two teenagers and had pretty good marriage, not perfect, but this man is my best friend, and I his. I always felt like we both knew each other completely, and I had absolute trust in him. He has a congenital back disorder that has caused chronic pain, and he has been using fentanyl patches for about 6 years. He is a very hard working person, has always been very functional and a loving father. A couple of years ago, he decided to follow his dream and open a nightclub after losing his job of 15 years. I had definite reservations about this. He was shortly gone every night, had lost all interest in his family (including us, parents, etc.) and was behaving completely out of character. I caught him using cocaine and Ritalin several times, but he insisted it was an occasional thing because he has trouble staying awake at work due to side effects from his pain patches. I know he is physically addicted to the patches, and suspect he is to cocaine as well, but he completely denies it. He has become a person I do not know: he stayed out all night every night, had a relationship with another woman, carried a loaded gun, and sleeps all day. I asked him to leave the house because I just couldn't handle worrying about what he was doing or where he was, and focus at the same time on my kids and be a good mom. He left, never tried once to contact me again, and has seen his kids a handful of times. There is no contact unless I initiate it, and he cries most times I talk to him. He is completely hung up on me kicking him out, and still takes no responsibility for his part in it. It is my fault the kids are hurting because i took him away from them and made him an outsider. Despite my pleading, he rarely calls them or tries to have a relationship with them. When we saw him, he was extremely ill: thin, not eating, stuffy nose, shaking, stomach pain, and strange constant muscle spasms in his legs. He will not admit to using, and insists this is all from stress. But if this were the case, I don't know why he would avoid us so much. This is a man who was a devoted father 3 years ago. My dilemma is what do I tell my kids? They feel so abandoned, as I do, and are suffering serious emotional problems. My oldest is on medication and has started self-injuring.
If this is due to drug abuse, I feel like I need to discuss his addiction with them and explain why he is acting the way he is. I want them to learn to trust their own instincts, and I think they must realize something is off. I know they deserve the truth, but I don't know what the truth is? Part of me is afraid I am wrong? What if he just is a jerk and left us so he can be single? It just seems so out of character for him. He blames everything on me, saying it is my fault for asking him to leave. It seems he has forgotten his girlfriend and all the nights i laid awake waiting for him. All I told him was that if he couldn't be honest with me, stop seeing a woman he was involved with, and tell me a definite time to expect him home every day, he could not live here. I also said I loved him and didn't want to do it, but had to. He left and never looked back. I can deal with losing him, but my kids can't. I don't know what to do? I am wondering if there is anyone else who has dealt with drug addiction due to chronic pain or lived with a loved one who has. Is this behavior
consistent with drug abuse? My heart says yes, but I am afraid of telling my kids something that is not true. And of course, there is the terrible guilt. I love him so much, despite all of the destruction he has caused. I know he is unhappy and possibly suicidal and feel so responsible, though I know it's not my fault. I feel like I gave up on him. If he asked for help, I would be there for him. Any advice? Sorry this is so long, it is just so complicated. I feel like there is no-one else out there who understands this.
If this is due to drug abuse, I feel like I need to discuss his addiction with them and explain why he is acting the way he is. I want them to learn to trust their own instincts, and I think they must realize something is off. I know they deserve the truth, but I don't know what the truth is? Part of me is afraid I am wrong? What if he just is a jerk and left us so he can be single? It just seems so out of character for him. He blames everything on me, saying it is my fault for asking him to leave. It seems he has forgotten his girlfriend and all the nights i laid awake waiting for him. All I told him was that if he couldn't be honest with me, stop seeing a woman he was involved with, and tell me a definite time to expect him home every day, he could not live here. I also said I loved him and didn't want to do it, but had to. He left and never looked back. I can deal with losing him, but my kids can't. I don't know what to do? I am wondering if there is anyone else who has dealt with drug addiction due to chronic pain or lived with a loved one who has. Is this behavior
consistent with drug abuse? My heart says yes, but I am afraid of telling my kids something that is not true. And of course, there is the terrible guilt. I love him so much, despite all of the destruction he has caused. I know he is unhappy and possibly suicidal and feel so responsible, though I know it's not my fault. I feel like I gave up on him. If he asked for help, I would be there for him. Any advice? Sorry this is so long, it is just so complicated. I feel like there is no-one else out there who understands this.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Worriedmum, I am sorry for the pain you are in.
I am a great believer in being honest with children. It does not mean you have to paint their dad in a bad light. He is definitely abusing drugs, as he has admitted. If you shared this with your children and the effects drugs have on anyone, you can help to make them understand that it is not their fault, they have done nothing wrong. He is not even rejecting them, drugs just become so all-consuming that it leaves no space for caring about anyone else.
My son self-injured for a while last year, but thank God he stopped completely after therapy. He was in a lot of emotional pain and it sounds as if your son is too.
Have you considered family therapy for you and your children?
I am a great believer in being honest with children. It does not mean you have to paint their dad in a bad light. He is definitely abusing drugs, as he has admitted. If you shared this with your children and the effects drugs have on anyone, you can help to make them understand that it is not their fault, they have done nothing wrong. He is not even rejecting them, drugs just become so all-consuming that it leaves no space for caring about anyone else.
My son self-injured for a while last year, but thank God he stopped completely after therapy. He was in a lot of emotional pain and it sounds as if your son is too.
Have you considered family therapy for you and your children?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I personally believe that at your children's age the truth is best when younger some tell the kids the parent has an illness there is Ala-Teen if they are the right age also.
Here is a link on what to tell kids I believe it covers different ages.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-addicts.html
I am sorry your going through this we will walk with you.
Here is a link on what to tell kids I believe it covers different ages.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-addicts.html
I am sorry your going through this we will walk with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
The truth is so important and not just because of your husbands actions, but your children’s future.
And you are seeing addiction as much as you are seeing just what he is. The line blurs, we make it worse over thinking and over complicating, so needing them to make sense when they are exactly who they are in the moment, and it won’t ever make sense to anyone because it isn’t theirs to make sense of.
My children were 18, 13 11 and 2, except for the 2 year old who wouldn’t understand ( yet she will be spoken to in time) my husband sat down and I was with him and talked about being an addict. He didn’t use the word sick, he used the truth, chronic pain, the pills, the heroin in time was spoken of too.
Not only did they know about his addiction, they knew he had a shrink and my girls were kinda pissed cause they wanted one too but not for help because of this, it was trendy they said. They knew he went to meetings when he did, know all about suboxone. They talked very openly and to their friends at times. They were not ashamed and offered help at every turn if they wanted it.
I also warned them, one time, that might be all it takes … you aren’t right in the moment in the way you think and you take a drug, or drink because it seems fun and that might all it would take for them to follow suit. They also know that they can not predict when it will happen, and they might get lucky, or think they did. I spoke honestly about my drug use as well. I find it extremely important for their future.
A few years later my son was now using, crack. And that wasn’t kept from them either. They had a voice through the whole thing, were encouraged to speak and get help.
I didn’t just talk to my own children, but all their friends have a very good understanding of addiction. And they know I do not tolerate seeing anyone as sick or incapable and that I would not do that to them. They also know that codependency and dysfunction are to be checked at the door or they will be called out.
My children also were given a chance to speak out in terms of where I was involved. I wasn’t going to go speak at the high school if they weren’t comfortable with me doing so. I didn’t have to be there each day, they did.
Enlist any help you can get before you speak to them, their pediatrician, a psychologist. And don’t forget it is more than just speaking out their dad but that addiction is there present in their genes as well. So they will be able to make informed decisions about their lives and any use of drugs and alcohol. They have to know their family history for their best chance.
And you are seeing addiction as much as you are seeing just what he is. The line blurs, we make it worse over thinking and over complicating, so needing them to make sense when they are exactly who they are in the moment, and it won’t ever make sense to anyone because it isn’t theirs to make sense of.
My children were 18, 13 11 and 2, except for the 2 year old who wouldn’t understand ( yet she will be spoken to in time) my husband sat down and I was with him and talked about being an addict. He didn’t use the word sick, he used the truth, chronic pain, the pills, the heroin in time was spoken of too.
Not only did they know about his addiction, they knew he had a shrink and my girls were kinda pissed cause they wanted one too but not for help because of this, it was trendy they said. They knew he went to meetings when he did, know all about suboxone. They talked very openly and to their friends at times. They were not ashamed and offered help at every turn if they wanted it.
I also warned them, one time, that might be all it takes … you aren’t right in the moment in the way you think and you take a drug, or drink because it seems fun and that might all it would take for them to follow suit. They also know that they can not predict when it will happen, and they might get lucky, or think they did. I spoke honestly about my drug use as well. I find it extremely important for their future.
A few years later my son was now using, crack. And that wasn’t kept from them either. They had a voice through the whole thing, were encouraged to speak and get help.
I didn’t just talk to my own children, but all their friends have a very good understanding of addiction. And they know I do not tolerate seeing anyone as sick or incapable and that I would not do that to them. They also know that codependency and dysfunction are to be checked at the door or they will be called out.
My children also were given a chance to speak out in terms of where I was involved. I wasn’t going to go speak at the high school if they weren’t comfortable with me doing so. I didn’t have to be there each day, they did.
Enlist any help you can get before you speak to them, their pediatrician, a psychologist. And don’t forget it is more than just speaking out their dad but that addiction is there present in their genes as well. So they will be able to make informed decisions about their lives and any use of drugs and alcohol. They have to know their family history for their best chance.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Kids are not dumb and your oldest is on medication and cutting to relieve her pain from this or something else. I think family counseling would do you all wonders.
They need to know the truth –they need to know that you suspect he is using drugs and that he has admitted to you that he does on occasions. Tell them you chose to NOT live with an active addict and until HE chooses to get help for himself there is not a lot any of you can do for him.
Show your children that strong woman who stood her ground that active drug addiction is not acceptable behavior in your home by anyone!
They need to know the truth –they need to know that you suspect he is using drugs and that he has admitted to you that he does on occasions. Tell them you chose to NOT live with an active addict and until HE chooses to get help for himself there is not a lot any of you can do for him.
Show your children that strong woman who stood her ground that active drug addiction is not acceptable behavior in your home by anyone!
Sober birthday 2/7/13
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 119
I hear your words. You are correct- your instincts will always tell you the truth. Teaching your children to trust their instincts will only help them in life.
As with so many things in life, I think telling the children as soon as you think they are old enough is best. In fact, as the world environment is right in their faces these days, really take a look at what they already know and think they know as the start of this whole conversation.
It is apparent you are a caring mom. Your children are lucky to have you protecting them and teaching them.
Good journey to you <3
As with so many things in life, I think telling the children as soon as you think they are old enough is best. In fact, as the world environment is right in their faces these days, really take a look at what they already know and think they know as the start of this whole conversation.
It is apparent you are a caring mom. Your children are lucky to have you protecting them and teaching them.
Good journey to you <3
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 88
Worriedmum, I don't have children myself, but I can speak as a child who dealt with functional addict parents.
I spent the last 25 years pretty much blaming myself, unconsciously, for my parents not making me a priority in their lives. As a teen I pretty much took care of myself. We lived in a typical middle class neighborhood, but I worked, paid for anything I needed, I got my own rides and until I could buy my own car, etc. I supported my own after school activities, everything.
I was angry because parents would go to their kids sporting or other functions and of course mine were never there, or if they did show they just bitched about it being too long or inconvenient. Thing was, I think I considered MYSELF at fault for this. I wasn't good enough to earn their attention (so backwards), but thats how I felt. I was always trying to prove myself to them, trying to be a perfectionist. I have played out this pattern over and over again my whole life.
Knowing now that addicts are completely self centered and are unable to focus on anyone else has been freeing of sorts. I am 38 years old and letting go of stupid things I have unconsciously hung onto forever ..sheesh.
So my advice, seek help and be honest with your kids. If left to their own devices who knows what they will think of their dad disappearing from their lives. You know he has admitted to being an addict to the patches and at minimum using the other drugs, I don't think you have anything else to prove.
I spent the last 25 years pretty much blaming myself, unconsciously, for my parents not making me a priority in their lives. As a teen I pretty much took care of myself. We lived in a typical middle class neighborhood, but I worked, paid for anything I needed, I got my own rides and until I could buy my own car, etc. I supported my own after school activities, everything.
I was angry because parents would go to their kids sporting or other functions and of course mine were never there, or if they did show they just bitched about it being too long or inconvenient. Thing was, I think I considered MYSELF at fault for this. I wasn't good enough to earn their attention (so backwards), but thats how I felt. I was always trying to prove myself to them, trying to be a perfectionist. I have played out this pattern over and over again my whole life.
Knowing now that addicts are completely self centered and are unable to focus on anyone else has been freeing of sorts. I am 38 years old and letting go of stupid things I have unconsciously hung onto forever ..sheesh.
So my advice, seek help and be honest with your kids. If left to their own devices who knows what they will think of their dad disappearing from their lives. You know he has admitted to being an addict to the patches and at minimum using the other drugs, I don't think you have anything else to prove.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2
Wow, thank you for your outpouring of concern and advice. I read this when I got home from work and felt a little less alone. It often feels like I have the only family going through this. My friends are supportive, but they honestly do not understand. I think you're right, and I will talk to kids. My oldest saw drugs in the house when he was here, and we talked about it, so I know she has an idea. My son, however (12), idolizes his dad and doesn't know. Which is more heartbreaking, as he must just feel his father doesn't want him. I should stop worrying about how the truth will hurt them, and realize how much they already hurt not knowing the truth. Will let you know how it goes.
Btw: my daughter has been through several counselors, but we are having a hard time finding someone she feels comfortable with. It has been a battle with our insurance company as they only let us choose from a handful of providers. I may just have to pay out of pocket. Trying to find someone for my son as well.
Thank you again...
Btw: my daughter has been through several counselors, but we are having a hard time finding someone she feels comfortable with. It has been a battle with our insurance company as they only let us choose from a handful of providers. I may just have to pay out of pocket. Trying to find someone for my son as well.
Thank you again...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I read this when I got home from work and felt a little less alone.
Speak to your children and tell them the truth about addiction.
I wish someone had been honest with me.
My mother told me my father was an alcoholic, but nothing about it was NOT my fault.
This is so important for the kids to know.
Alateen?
Beth
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