Yogagurl

If he is not in recovery, than he should not be your "boyfriend." He should be your "ex-boyfriend." Take it from me: I have been in a relationship with an active addict for 3 years. He is now my husband because I thought he would

1. change or
2. stop using or
3. become spiritually enlightened or
4. pay me more attention or
5. make an effort or
6. do work around the house eventually or
7. want to be sober or
8. want to stay sober or

ALL of the above.


If you think that you are different, YOU are wrong.
An addict will use, choose, and love drugs more than ANYTHING.

Faithlove

I absolutely agree! If you're not bonded to him, why sign up for a LIFETIME of heartache!?

Evey

needed to read this thanks!

Lily1918

the chapter "to wives" from the big book is a huge explanation to me why so many stay
I agree with what you Have said whole heartedly.
I think we are just like our addicts. we have to hit bottom. everyone's bottom is different. some people don't have a bottom outside of the grave

tjp613

I'm sorry that these lessons have to be SO costly and painful, Yogagirl. But posting here might just help some other person make better choices. Thank you for being here.

peacedove

I needed to see this and read it so thank you, again. "Hope" is so diffucult to place where it needs to be. We, as humans, who love and want to be loved, also hope. For me, I was raised with the value system when you love then love with everything you have and never let go. The idea that love conquers all. Oh, if only. Having that one value system instilled in me early on is part of why I wanted to believe my ex. I believed he loved me the way I loved him. I HOPED for all the things above. As someone else posted, I am not married to him and the two children are not mine. My devotion to them felt no different than if I were married to him and we were planning on getting married next year(or that was the talk to tell you the truth since there were so many lies I actually have no idea if this was even genuine)BUT I had to step back, take a breath and say to myself "girl, you are not married to this man. stop acting like you are." My belief system and my hope will work with a healthy, non user but addicts/alcoholics? No. This part of my teaching as a child was left out. Not on purpose but because my family had not experienced this or just didn't know. I was letting my own self be committed to a person with huge and mounting problems thinking one day at the time, we will solve this and we will conquer. That was me. He was not actively doing that he was only saying it. Thus, watch what they do and not what they say is so, so, so important. As well as "When you see it---BELIEVE it." So many more sayings or quotes I am learning here have hit home with me. It's hard for me to put a firm grip on "how" I "hope" for him now. It's too early for me. I loved him, I still love him, I hope he gets help as I told him...but...could I actually believe it if he were to enter treatment willingly on his own one day and resurface again? I do not know. Everything to this point has been so deceitful and manipulative it is hard to say. Like I was told, I have to look at him breaking up with me, being cold and twisting everything up as much as possible from the actual reality of the situation then using the children as tools against me due to my deep love for them...look at it as a blessing instead of a loss. Look at it as my "get out of jail free card." Somehow I have to have hope, put it in the right place, use it in the right way and just walk away from someone I was not legally married to. If I do not then I will suffer a long and hard road more than likely. From what I see here the odds of happiness and true recovery are not in my favor. I may not need to make that generalization but love just doesn't have to hurt as much as he was hurting or not looking out for me. Sometimes there will be pain in a relationship but not like this. I hope for a recovery and to look back a year from now and say "I made it."

Troubledsister

Its very true. I talked to my brother's "girlfriend" today. She asked again "Why am I even here?" but she hasn't hit her bottom yet. Unfortunately neither has my AB. Just back from a 2 night bender. Lucky "girlfriend" got to take care of HIS 7 year old son and her 3 month old (with AB). Fun times. NOT!!!