shinebright7

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The Forum, May 2008
"My Prayer for Release from the 'Beast' of Alcoholism"
By Kathi B., Michigan
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This morning I had a vision of a beast with a dragon's head, huge fangs that dripped venom, a forked tongue, fire breath, clawed hands and feet, sharp spikes all over its body, and a gigantic alligator-like tail.

The enormous tail coiled like a python around my husband, squeezing him a little more every day.

My husband's eyes are closed, as if in a trance.

The beast is standing between him and me, arms raised, scowling and snorting fire, guarding my husband from me.

I am desperately holding my hands out to my husband, but it's no good -- the beast of alcoholism has him.

I cannot fight this beast in any way.

If I get too close I get burned, clawed, or pierced on its spikes.

I look him straight in the eye and he ferociously holds his ground between us.

No matter what I do I can't reach my husband.

I try different moves; the beast counters.

I throw things at my husband; the beast catches them.

I call out to my husband, but he doesn't hear me.

I am completely powerless to help him.

The only chance he has of freeing himself is to open his eyes to what's happening, and ask God for help.

He can't even free himself because his hands, arms, and legs are tightly bound.

I am helpless against the beast.

All I can do is pray for my husband and then go about taking care of myself and the children.

It is incredibly frustrating because he won't open his eyes, but the more I grapple with the beast, the more frustrated, depressed, and hopeless I become.

I must stop approaching this thing; it's a complete waste of my time and emotional, spiritually, and physical energy.

I have found in the past few weeks that I've forgotten my powerlessness and have picked up the fight again -- only to lose my serenity and my positive, forward, focus.

I've slipped into thinking that the boundaries I've set and the steps I have taken recently would somehow help him.

When will I learn that I can't control him, period?

So, God help me to bring the focus back to me and to You.

Help me to turn around walk away from the beast, and do what I must for myself and the children.

Please take care of him and bring him peace and health.

I know he is in Your hands.

Help me to accept that he is where he needs to be right now, that he will learn the lessons he is supposed to in Your time.

Give me strength and serenity as I finally release him.

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The Forum, May 2008
"My Prayer for Release from the 'Beast' of Alcoholism"
By Kathi B., Michigan
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HopeSpringsToo

This one kind of hit hard for me today because since my husband came home from inpatient, I've been having a really, really hard time. I have come here and other support based forums, but between work/kids, I haven't been able to go to f2f meetings or find a sponsor. I need to just do it.

I guess what made me so sad when I read this is that it made me think that I just need to ask him to leave our home. I know that I am unhappy the way things are even after he came home and in some ways he's making huge changes for the positive, specifically when it comes to our kids, but his mood and body language toward me, and the lack of visible solid focus on recovery (meeting attendance seems sporadic, he doesn't talk about his recovery whatsoever and just seems to be rudderless) are what I'm having a REALLY hard time with. He's still treating me like he has contempt for me most days now and really just seems closed off to me.

When he neared the end of his treatment program, I had hope based on what I was seeing that he would really commit and embrace his plan that he laid out for himself, but I'm just not seeing him execute what he defined, so I guess therein lies my answer.

I feel like I have a huge decision coming that I didn't think I would have to consider making a couple weeks ago and it just hurts.

chickonlake

as i was reading this it dawned on me part of my problem was that i couldnt control his problem. all these years i have been in charge of everything else.where we go,what we do,who we hang out with.he gave me the control over everything else almost as a diversion so that i wouldnt see that he was out of control.does that make sense? he has made me so strong,now i know i can manage everything on my own.i have been all along.yet i feel so weak at the same time.because i am loosing the love of my life to this disease and i cant do anything about it.so when i read this i understood that this wasnt my issue to control even though it has riddled my life with so much pain and anguish.