DroPsoJuPiTeR

ok lets see i dont have time for me and i cant stand it.
this was supposed to be the night that my mother in law came over to sit with the kids so that i could go to alanon and hubby could go to aa (like he does every night)
wellll that didnt happen. it could have. hubby told me to go instead since it looked like his mom wasnt coming, and didnt answer phone?wasnt home, BUT
i said no your moms probably coming she will if she said she would...
guess it was lack of communication somewhere.

the way he was acting tonight, i wasnt going to the meeting and leaving him with the kids. he was acting like a total ******* and yeah, he may have been mad about a few things like not getting to his noon meeting because he went to do some work to make money since i cant pay all the stuff alone.
or that he was rushing home to meet his probation officer and ran out of time on what he was working on,
and i mentioned that the kids werent listening about doing homework
but i wasnt going to leave him here and have him be an ******* to the kids. he could have, he couldnt have i dont know but it would be pretty stupid of me to just go to the meeting . sometimes i dont like how hard he is on the kids, like he will be too harsh or use words in a way that might make them feel they didnt do enough when they tried their best, or know half the story and jump in and scold the wrong child....
i know i cant control him or what comes out of his mouth, i just feel like the kids have been through enough, and they dont need his attitude coming in here and making them feel bad . yes they do give me a hard time, and yes i do get frustrated and i feel like and know that i have only me to count on.
but it just pisses me OFF .
that i have the homework and dinner and showers all to do BEFORE the meeting and my mother in law gets here. and it doesnt run smoothly i have to get aggravated and yell before any one listens to me, and even then i have to yell, i know that isnt doing the situation any good.
i know alot of whats wrong but its like i need to work on me and i was so looking forward to that meeting tonight, and i dont know where to begin.
i admit that im powerless over so many things, and i know i shouldnt take any of the **** he says personally and i know i should walk away instead of doing the angry dance with him but I DIDNT. i have so much resent ment towards him.
hes not helping with the kids, he comes and goes as he pleases, and when he is here he throws his sarcastic (thats just starting again since hes been out of rehab) or too harsh parenting in my opinion ,,,, and then hes off again.

i am also resenting myself because as a mother i should be able to handle all the stuff im feeling overwhelmed with. and i cant i get so frustrated. like the kids homework in new york state is changed this year. they are doing work that is grade levels above what they are used to., i can help the younger child but my 5th grader is doing algebra which i was never good at but they have a technique they want them to use so im so clueless, i have to look up online how to do this stuff every night, and then help my daughter understand, because she doesnt get it from school. even in the extra help she gets ...

the other thing is, yes he went to his meeting . hours ago. icalled him a little while ago, telling him im going to end up going to sleep.
so hes at the diner. with one of the guys from his out patient rehab. its the guys birthday . and they were half way done eating he says....
this is the guy who just last week called my husband and told him he wanted to kill himself he was tired of doing heroin and he just wanted to end his life and my husband stayed out til like 3 am getting him into rehab.
i know its true, the parents called the next day thanking him for saving their son, but a week later they let the kid out for lack of insurance.
its like he is going back to his normal self not even calling letting me know whats up. hesjust pulling in the driveway now.
all of this is ******** on my part. i need to take care of me and my issues and i probably should have went to the meeting and let him watch the kids, the way he was acting he defineeelty needed it but so do i , i just didnt want to leave the kids with him being in that mood.
thanks for listening.
now he will probably want to have sex and i have to get up in like 5 hours to WORK

vicswife

Could you have taken your kids with you? I don't know how old they are.

Now that he's home, can you take a drive? I love loud music and sometimes just driving with loud music makes me feel better.

Very calmly tell him you need you time. Exercise has helped me a lot.

DroPsoJuPiTeR

he did say that he would take the kids into his meeting with him, that was as he was bursting through the door to eat take a shower and go, and i was in the middle of getting the kids in and out of the shower.
the meeting starts at 8 pm and i was sure his mom was going to come. didnt want the kids to be out till after 9pm. school night....
i love loud music too and it does put me in a different mood, im not going to leave now, he will probably think im going out to do something bad...
he just came home and went to bed, im waiting for him to say something obnoxious about me still awake or me not paying attention to him.
i have ALOT to say but i think its better to keep it to myself at the moment.
grrrr i wish he would give half his time to the kids like he does to the guy from rehab.
i know i shouldnt worrywhat hes doing. im supposed to worry about what im doing.
i want to change my ways i reallllllly do its like i have to retrain my brain and im always rushing around or too busy to think before i do,,,, agitated. im going to go to bed. or so i hope lol lets see what happens when i turn out the light. i wish he will just let it be i know he is expecting me to go sleep with him., but i have expectations too and look where its gotten me.
i have to get up for work at 530
thanks

vicswife

It's hard, we have all this anger. Good night.

DroPsoJuPiTeR

last night went ok, he didnt say or do anything and i went to bed. im just used to him arguing with me but he could have fell asleep. or maybe he was biting his tongue too. he has been just letting me sleep,not waking me up in the middle of the night arguing about me not giving him attention. last night was just different,(because i am usually asleep when he gets home but i tried to stay up to spend some time with him)
and maybe i felt resentment because he was hanging out with the guy from rehab. but it was his birthday and he is also very early in recovery so i can see my husbands just trying to help a fellow recovering addict. not sure if thats helping my husband or possibly hurting him? not my business right....
so today i had the mandatory nys refresher for my job, and he was texting me during it, probably trying to see if i would respond (because i used to not respond promptly when i was cheating)
and i usually pick up our 4 year old daughter in between runs but i didnt today, there isnt much time before i have to go back in to work.
the texts he sent me this morning were that maybe i was lying about having a meeting today, or maybe not but that i was up to something...
i passed him on my way back to town in the bus... he was driving on his way to rehab with that guy ....
and i get this tingling feeling in my leg like i just want to kick something. or him lol. and this feeling in my stomach, like a burning sensation.
im thinking to myself maybe i dont want to start feeling this way again.
shouldnt we have butterflies when we see each other, or at leasst be happy? i felt like giving him the finger but i waas driving a bus lol. couldnt let that be seen so i stayed calm.
so the texts he sends me throughout the meeting, and while im home are that maybe we can have lunch, and sex. and that he wants to see me face to face so that he can tell me that he loves me.
so when its okay for him to have time to see me, i should be okay with sex and lunch.
im worn out, tired from stayin up last night waiting for him while he was at the diner with that rehab guy. i was a little hurt he didnt call or let me know what was going on, but today i dont feel like im using no sex as a retaliation for last night.
i AM tired
i did say that maybe i just need some ME time and rest
and he said thats ok.
so maybe im making a little progress.
the old me would be here waiting for him to hurry and eat and have sex and run back out the door to work... which would kind of make me happy but i need a little destress time. which i just spent here typing out my thoughts so they dont sit in my head .
i hope he doesnt feel rejected u can never tell with texts. guess i will find out soon enough the next time i see him.
but for now im doing something for me.

vicswife

Takes time to change our thinking.

DroPsoJuPiTeR

he was just here, tried to get what he wanted, i wasnt rude just matter of fact. the dog started barking ,,,, hes got the guy from rehab in the truck waiting for him. like it kind of reminds me of when he was using( now that i look back) he always had to have one if his friends up his ass.
whatever i hope that works out well for both of them
and i hope i can start clearing my head for my own recovery and sanity, i think im going to make a call to that therapist before i have to go back to work to set an appointment

AnvilheadII

sounds like two people who really have no clue on how to conduct a healthy respectful relationship - lot of resentments and lack of trust and inability to relate as equals, mixed a big dash of sex on demand. i think the "scene" of you two passing each other on the road, driving different directions is more than just a metaphor!!!

couple things i'd suggest....one, making time for real adult sit down DISCUSSIONS, where you each talk AND listen, about how to relate to each other, what hurts, and what are reasonable requests - ie - if you're going to be late, CALL. etc.

and second, no more texts. that is just NO way to conduct a relationship!! texts should be for like, got stuck at the train crossing, will be there as soon as the other 300 rail cars pass, NOT as a means of communication! and not multiple texts throughout the course of the day.

the story you shared about the pre-meeting, MIL not showing up chaos sounds almost identical to the trying to get ready to go to church chaos the other sunday. i sense there's a lack of balance and of consistent scheduling. if someone WAS coming to watch the kids while you went to a meeting, it isn't absolutely necessary that all children be fed, bathed AND have all their homework done before you step foot out the door!? of course they need to be fed, daily (LOL), but bath/showers could be alternated, or the sitter could be in charge of seeing that 1 or 2 get their baths later. with my daughter the rule was homework first....she'd set up shop at the kitchen table and we'd see what she had to do and i'd be there in the kitchen, able to get dinner ready and be available for her.

sometimes we just need to step back and rethink things, adjust schedules, and pick our battles.

DroPsoJuPiTeR

yes its true. we dont have a clue on how to have a healthy relationship, and its pretty scary that we have to try and figure this out....
theres always been some kind of dysfunction with us,
and there has always been drugs and or alcohol so now that there isnt any of that, we are left with our real problems and have no clue where to start,
well at least i dont.
he seems to be working on himself just fine and i feel like im the REALLY sick one . i think i have a.d.d. i start on one thing and then try and move on to the next thing and try to get it all done all at once and perfectly,
but it doesnt turn out that way. i just wear myself out.
i have issues because of the way that i am.
like me having to have the kids fed bathed and homework done, and the house clean before someone comes over to watch them, thats me. like ocd or something. i dont want anybody to have anything to say or complain about that they had to clean or do dishes or give the kids a bath....
and yes i may be ocd about the stuff but the house is still not immaculate . i dont let any of my friends or kids friends come over. and i hate that about myself. like i feel like i belong on hoarders, not because i am a hoarder, but because i can relate with the people when they finally let their friends in the house to show how they have been living. like i have that kind of anxiety.

i just keep wearing myself out and its real now since i am trying to focus more on me and less on him ,i HAVE to deal with all my issues if im going to get anywhere close to who i wanna be, man i am SO messed up.

one GOOD thing I noticed today, it was my nieces birthday so he stopped in between work and a meeting for cake. he noticed i wasnt happy ,i wasnt trying to show that on my face but he picked up on it and tried to talk to me about what was bothering me, so that was nice since before he wouldnt have cared and was in a rush rush rush to go get high all the time , i feel like hes working on himself so well and im still in this rut i cant get out of but i want to so bad!
thanks for the suggestions, i always like to hear what you have to say, not just on my threads but on lots of threads. you always seem to hit the head on the nail lol

AnvilheadII

have you heard of FlyLady??? awesome site all about time management and organization and how to break things down into 15 minute segments. I think you might really enjoy her philosophy cuz it's a lot of life/history/family of origin stuff and a lot of empowerment stuff too! flylady dot com

(I have the purple rags, rubba scrubba, rubba sweepa, rubba swisha and use them regularly, as in this morning, before work!!!)

wicked

I want to give you big props for recognizing How you feel.
I used to have a terrible time identifying what was going on inside me.
Since you want to get out of this rut, you will.

Excellent idea about therapy.

Beth

DroPsoJuPiTeR

flylady? ive been looking at the site since i read your post thanks!!

DroPsoJuPiTeR

last night went well after he came home, he actually talked to me about alot , my feelings his feelings and what hes doing and what needs to be done....
it is nice to hear him talk instead of ignore me or have anymosity like he is taking this seriously.

i just got off the phone with him ( not text) lol
and the outpatient rehab sent him to the emergency room ( he drove himself) to see if he can get more visterol? anxiety meds....
the rehab that he was in a few weeks ago said they cant help him, he was supposed to make an appointment with a doctor. he did but that appointment isnt till next month.

so hes talking to me on the phone while he is driving to the e.r. and he says he just passed three different spots he would buy his crack from. and that his anxiety is really high like through the roof and if the e.r. cant help him he thinks its f#&% up to come this far and be so close to the spots....

i said oh man make sure you tell them that if they cant help you youre probably going to have a relapse. ughhh

so im trying not to get too involved with that. its his thing. i just pray that they cangive him a prescription till he can be seen by the doctor....
and i pray to my higher power to help me take care of me, and to his higher power to keep him safe on the right path he is destined for whatever it may be.
im glad he is communicating with me, and im glad i dont feel so stressed out about him possibly going to get some crack if the er tells him they cant do anything for him.


NOW lets see how i am if he relapses. just keep swimming.... Let go and Let God right

LoveMeNow

If I had to change some of my past, I would first start with homework time and baths/showers.

I was the perfectionist and everything had to be done so I could relax and take care of me. We all know how well that worked out. Ugh

Looking back, of course, I wanted my kids to have a good education but I think more was about my own ego. If I could change anything, I wish I had put more emphasis on other priorities. I actually had a rule - your homework needs to be done if you want to go to youth group. Ughhh.

My good friends house was God first, love and laughter. School, bedtime, showers, laundry, etc was not a huge priority. They allowed their kids to take the natural consequences of their choices. Their son was not a motivated student and quite a disciplinary problem in high school. Today, he is one of the top meds schools in the country.

Their youngest was a terrible student too. Drank, smoked pot, skipped school snuck out, etc. Of course, there were consequences for their behavior. She is now thriving in her nursing program.

P.S. At one time, years ago, their marriage was very, very broken. Today, they have a phenomenal marriage. Their house is always filled with love, laughter, peace and most importantly God. They have an open door for anyone, anytime.

Just wanted to share another way.....that I wish I had done.

Faithlove

I can't really give you any advice because your house sounds just like mine did. I was always trying to take care of the kids and the house and work, etc. I never got anything completely finished (no clue when the last time was that my entire house was clean at the same time) and was always feeling anxious. AH was also too hard on the kids, in my opinion......and still is.

Reading your post just made my anxiety level go way up!

My solution, which may not be for you, was to separate from my AH. All I can say is that the kids' lives and my life are so much less stressful. It may be that I wasn't able to control everything with AH and his addiction issues in the mix and now that they're gone, I can control my household. It runs much more smoothly and the kids are happier.

Praying for you to find your way. (((hugs)))

DroPsoJuPiTeR

Lovemenow, thanks for giving me a different way to look at this situation. maybe if i look at it as how would i feel looking back in five years? what was the most important? the kids or the housework?
i know the kids are the most important.... and its an awesome thing to let them be themselves and face natural consequences.
lol i have a feeling none of them would take baths or do any homework. life would consist of sitting around the house eating cotton candy and ice cream, and watching tv. and fighting of course!

i find myself thinking about the things i cant control, that we dont have control over anyone but ourselves....
and how that relates to parenting....
i try to make the kids do what i want them to do, which comes with me yelling eventually ,,,,
and the only thing i can really control in reality is me,,,, but when i start yelling ive lost control of myself and i know it when im yelling and im starting to quit the yelling so much and try more talking and consequences. its all easier said than done but im trying thats what counts,
i have always wanted a clean, pretty house with kids that behave most of the time and helped out around the house. and a loving husband, and a group of friends with kids likee ours where we could have get togethers, smores, movie night, etc...
i really dont think its going to happen., a normal social life.
i have too much to over come (my issues)
but im still striving to get the life i want... the part i can control anyway lol

Faithlove, your reply really spoke to me.....
because i am exactly what youre describing.
i strive like hell to get the perfect house and everything in order, and it never ends up that way.
the only time i have ever had all the rooms in the house clean at once was while my husband was in rehab. so yes, i do believe between me and my issues and me being so analytical about him and his stuff and me and my stuff i dont really get anything done.

the other day when my husband was having that bad day, my daughter said i wish dad would go back to rehab, when he wasnt here we were laughing and the house was clean and we didnt fight so much.

i still try to do the same things clean the house and all the daily duties, except when he is here i expect him to help out so i can get a little break but it doesnt happen, thats expectations for ya.
im so glad someone can relate to me in that way ...
i hope to get where i want to be step by step day by day i know what i want, just not sure its the right fit