peacedove

Not sure if I am posting in the correct location. I have just exited a relationship with an addict/user boyfriend(he broke up with me a week ago today when I confronted his addictions). Together 10 months, mothered his two small children, planned to get married next year but BAMMM caught him using coke with a buddy of his. Thought he had cut back on his alcohol use but found out not only is the alcohol out of control, but on top of coke there is also daily pot use. Didn't have my head in the sand although it feels like I did now. Really haven't been around drugs to understand how high functioning someone can appear to be on a daily basis but the truth is the opposite.
Guess I am in shock, I am hurting, have no idea who the person I was with actually is and my life has just come to an abrupt halt. Or the life I had with he and his children has come to abrupt halt. My life is still here and I know that but the cruelty he has exhibited since I confronted him, his disappearance from my life with his children and my inability to wrap my head around how someone who said they were madly in love with me one day(and all along)suddenly acts as if I am despicable and does not even know me today.
Yes, each day I will get stronger and the pain will lessen. I think I mostly wanted to ask other people from their experiences...do these people return to your life in one way or another out of the blue to make contact with you again or once you address the issues with them and they are angry and leave you--do they just stay gone?
We have no common property or finances or anything to bind us together. I can't "fix" his problems and I can't "talk" him in to realizing anything. Only he can do this.
The pain I feel inside is indescribable. The loss of he and the children is excruciating at times. I am aware it could have been and could be many times worse and others are experiencing far worse than I.

TabulaRasa81

Welcome peacedove!
Don't compare yourself to anyone else here, we all suffer in our own way.
Chances are good that he will try to contact you again....I know it is hard, you're better off if he doesn't.
Stay strong and read lots of posts...it helps!

peacedove

Thank you. I am reading, reading and reading. It is so helpful. I have "been in the dark" for so long just trusting him and being focused on the children...I can see so many things I had no idea as to why they were happening or things he dismissed or talked his way out of. Oh, my lack of knowledge and trust gave him a wide, wide working area. Too bad it happens but I am here. I am whole. And I am able.

graciousone

it will all get better soon. i promise

wiscsober

Welcome you are in the right place. As posted before your problems are your own no matter compared to any one else. You are doing well, and what has occurred with his addictions is not your fault, you didn't cause or add to it. Time to focus on your wants and needs. I suggest to continue to post and read, seek out Naranon and Alanon locally. The focus will be on you. You need to recover and move on.

sounds like the flight instinct is the best way to go and cutting off any contact.

Best to you

peacedove

It is difficult to understand . He knew for certain I was not a user. He knew I only wanted a healthy family and relationship. I wasn't in to the party scene, never was. I would go out and have a drink, say hello to people but leave...eat, go home, watch TV or go to bed. My life was healthy with little chaos other than day to day, normal things which happen in life. I have my career, my home, my love for life and contentness. WHAT about me made him want to be with me since I am nothing like he or his hang out buddies? Is it because I was/am stable and he is not? Is it about taking a stable person and making them unstable over time? I probably need to stop trying to make sense out of something there is no sense in. He does have so many different subsets of "friends"--all people are separate and relationships do not intermingle with one another. His reputation and appearance, his business, his contacts, his civic involvement, his contributions to the town and continuous networking all over the city with this group or that group...everyone smiles, pats him on the back, acts as if they love him to death...BUT then there is a small group he is always with and they are completely different from his "business" crowd or the civic crowd. I always wanted to socialize more with many he would introduce me to but it never happened. I feel as if I was a tool as they say here--our "relationship" and me caring for the children completed a picture of a "normal" life for him when it is all but normal in reality. Just disusting. Truly.

EverHopeful721

Welcome to SR, peacedove, although I'm sorry for what brings you here.

My XA uses the exact same drugs as yours - cocaine, mixed with alcohol and weed. And yes, many addicts are high-functioning....until they're NOT. My XA is one who still seems to be functioning fine, has a house, a truck, follows a strict exercise regimen, holds down a job and works hard, almost to the point of being a workaholic (although now I realize it's most likely because coke is an expensive habit and explains why he's usually behind on his bills). But as you'll find from reading the stories of others, addiction is a progressive disease, and more times than not, it's only a matter of time before it gets worse. My XA also broke it off with me, 7 weeks ago with a cold text message, no less, and I don't foresee him ever contacting me again, and as much as it hurts right now, I know that's a good thing. But you'll also see from many other stories here that many addicts do return, 'pop up' again when you least expect it, usually just when you're getting your life back on track and there they are again, to take you back on that insane roller-coaster with them.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly right now, but what everyone says is TRUE....it WILL get better in time. But that's the most important thing, to give yourself the time you need to HEAL. In the meantime, come here to read, post and vent as often as you want. Don't forget to read the stickies at the top of the page, and particularly "What Addicts Do" - that really helped to put things in perspective for me.

Sending hugs to you.

cynical one

Do you know the mother(s) of the children? Could you have provided a sense of "normalcy" so he could have visitation/custody of the kids? Do you know if she/they know about his drug use?

He will probably be back, they usually don't go away so easily. Either to beg for forgiveness, emotionally or verbally abuse you, or rub the next gal in your face.

peacedove

Yes, I will continue to read daily. Thank you. Somehow, I stepped in to this, overlooked things I should not have and continued to move forward daily in a relationship that actually was not. The times I thought we were "problem solving" over different concerns I had or making progress and moving forward...well...not so much. Looks like it was all one lie after another after another. I have no desire to "fight" with him, to "talk" to him or to "get back" at him either. Not my thing. It's really just a matter of "why???" Why bother to even do this to another person? There are plenty of women who can/will/would take part in his life and enjoy doing what he does...all I did was love him and his children to the fullest extent with the belief we were a family. It was all I wanted. Yet, once I confronted him, he broke it off. Also told me I was "a leaver" meaning I left him(abandoned him)over small things therefore I was unreliable and a cause for concern. What???? Drugs and alcohol cause huge problems and pain. People die. I've never "left him" as he says. Yet, in reality, he has never really "been there" for me. Oh, it's such a mindtrip. The twists and turns and spins placed on anything and everything. I do believe I am blessed to be free. I will recover in baby steps. I sure can't understand it right now but with continued reading I will come to grips with it somehow. One thing is for certain: the man in the suit who is walking around laughing, talking, looking successful and always planning the next party, the next event, the next get together for "good times" for people...well, that man causes great pain to the partner in his life. I was there. I know.

peacedove

cynical one: I met his ex wife once. She just "showed up" one AM while we were renovating his new place saying she needed to "talk to" him. I did not hear what she asked him but she stood at the door before leaving and spoke with me for a moment about the children and thanked me for being so kind to them. I was told she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after the birth of the children. I was told she uses pills and alcohol to self medicate. Previous to her showing up, she would not meet me if I was in the car to pick up the children with him, etc...the day she just "showed up" she did not realize I was there. So it was strange. I now wonder if she was there to get drugs from him. She looked disheveled, antsy, not well put together. I gave the two of them privacy to speak to each other, it wasn't but a minute or more and the conversation was over. When I asked him why she had shown I was told " I have no idea. Neither does she. She's crazy. That's how she is." Those lines go along with what everyone else says about her BUT I honestly do not know her. I now imagine there is way more to this, the problems she may or may not have, etc.
She handed the oldest child over to him(5 yrs old)with the explanation she could not "handle" him anymore. She kept the 3 year old. All I know is he has them more than she does and she does have something going on with her. I never had an opportunity to get to know her and no one acted like it would be a good idea either. I'm sure this sounds strange but it was more of a situation of he was finally able to get the divorce from her and she was the basket case in the relationship. Well, folks, I do believe there was more than one involved in this only one was better able to hide things better than the other. Ughhhh, innocent children involved here. I just loved them. I'm thankful I did.

EverHopeful721

Your story hits a lot of the same triggers as mine, peacedove. I'm a lot like you, don't use drugs, not into the party scene, barely drink - only wanted to love him and be happy. And I also keep asking myself WHY he did what he did....if he only wanted a sexual relationship, he could have found any number of willing partners. So why use ME like that?? I'm not like the women who hang out at his dive bar, and he knows that. So why choose to use the sister of a lifelong friend, whom you've known since you were a kid, tell her you love her (FIRST, mind you), say that you don't ever want to hurt her or lose the friendship you have with her and then throw her aside as soon as you're done with her, not only hurting her, but essentially sh*tting on her on your way out the door?? As I said, these questions have just been rolling around in my head for the last two months!! But as I'm learning here on SR, I'm NEVER going to get the answers to those questions....for all I know, there might not even BE any answers, because what he did, his awful behavior, is simply him behaving like the addict he is. As frustrating as it sounds, it's simply what addicts DO. You're absolutely right - it IS a mindtrip. But that's how addicts survive and operate, by using, manipulating, blaming, lying....and they don't see anything WRONG with this behavior, because they've numbed down their feelings and emotions with the drugs, so they have no compassion, no empathy, no consideration for others. They simply care about getting that drug.

You will recover from this, peacedove, and baby steps are just as meaningful as giant leaps and bounds. Sometimes those baby steps consist of taking it one day at a time, and sometimes they consist of taking it one hour, or even one minute, at a time. You will come to grips with it in your own time, and in the meantime, we're here for you.

Vale

They use stable people BECAUSE they are stable.They accumulate
(not dissipate) assets.They have things like good credit,good retirements,
respect,and a future.The vector of their lives is upward,not downward.
More bluntly,when you are a f***up.......you need to camoflage yourself
amongst non-f/ups.Simple psychology.
What we hear again and again is incredulity......'HOW can they lie like that!?!?'
With all due respect-----how can they NOT?
Getting money is hard,BS-ing is easy.So why doesn't EVERYONE just
"lie for a living"?

(Because in the end.......everything catches up to you)

Faithlove

Welcome to SR!!

I'm really worried about his children. It is neglect, at the least, if not abuse, for their caretaker to be under the influence of illegal and illicit drugs. Since it sounds as though their mother is not going to 'step up,' would you consider notifying the authorities about the position these innocent children have been placed in by their parents?

You've been wondering why all of this happened to you. Maybe for a time such as this. So that you can be the advocate for his kids.

peacedove

I can notify authorities but I also will have to tell them drugs/alcohol are never in use if a child is in the home and drugs alcohol are not in the home if a child is in the home. I realize the parent may be hung over, not feeling well and have drugs or alcohol remaining in their system from a previous day or night which makes them not function at optimal level and is just not being a parent or being responsible adults period. These children are always cared for, looked after, clean, fed, taken to parks and events, held, cuddled, protected by the parent in charge or grandparent in charge when in their home. I've never seen anything happen where either child would be in danger or at risk for anything bad to happen to them. Not during my time or not at the "stage" my ex is in. Whatever stage it is. He and the childrens mother always appear to have it together at all times. When it comes to their free time, their adult time without children--that is when they do whatever it is they want. This means their non visitation days and nights or many consecutive non visitation days and nights of no children. They both keep it where if they are not going to be home and with the children then the grandparents, a nanny or a sitter is with the children. My ex remains home and clean when the children are with him. If he has a "free" night it is because his mother has the children or it is a scheduled "free" night per court order.
This is all I know and what I witnessed.

peacedove

Yes, I can see where the stability would be a camo as well as an opportunity for him due to his financial issues, etc. Well, mom and dad just bought him a home so that need is taken care of by them. Mom puts groceries in his fridge, keeps the grandchildren in name brand clothes, wants to send them to private school and pay for it, too...so pretty much it all "appears" to be ok. He drives a Lexus, has his own company, is his own boss and does what he wants, when he wants, however he wants. All of these things I state not because any of them mean one thing--they do not--just giving insight to how the picture looks on the outside. Shows up for the "right" things at the "right" time with the "right" people, etc. Then there is this whole other life that exists with him.
All this won't continue to appear so "right" forever, I get that. It can't go anywhere but downhill from what I am reading or even what I have witnessed in my life with people who walk this path versus walking away from it and staying away from it, too.
I won't go down. I don't want to, I've never wanted to and I won't now. I contributed(and lost)enough. The only thing that would happen is I would lose myself, I would lose my ability to reason(the confusion and the chaos that occurs when they twist things), I risk losing my own career for being associated with him or actually with him and all in all my own life would just disappear after me always working hard and staying on track for a reason.
Yes, I am heartbroken. Yes, I have lost what I thought I had but didn't. Yes, he needs to get help and get straight--I told him this. I've done all I can do and the rest is up to him. Now it's time for me to "let it go", move on and do what is right for my own self. What I am feeling now is better than the feelings of insecurity, instability brought to me by him at unexpected times. He told me I was a control freak and fearful of things that were not actually real--basically afraid of change or afraid of the unknown. To an extent this is accurate...I prefer steady, predictable, lack of need for drama...but he meant I never just "let it all go or let it all hang out in a who cares what happens" fashion regarding life and goals and responsibilities in life to always do what is right, always do what needs to be done for a brighter future, always think of the children and others and how actions impact them, too...i never function at a "right now i want to do x and i am not going to give a hoot as to what happens."
So, this may be "boring" as he called me when I confronted his use and abuse. But it's steady. And that "boring" woman gave he and his children all the love in the world. He didn't appreciate it but somewhere down the line...one day...someone will. For now, I am me. It's a new day and I want it to be a good one, too.

graciousone

believe it or not though you are in great pain, I can see that by what and the way you write. You really do seem to have it together, and you are on the right track.

it will get better. but do you have a plan in the event he does come rolling back into your life, because what you described about him, I would almost be sure he will be back, with apologies, explanations, promises, and possibly gifts. Not necessarily for you to answer here, just something you should ask yourself. whatever you decide always do what's best for you. Peace.

dasiydoc

My boyfriend sounds a lot like your ex. He is also highly functional, and he used cocaine, I say used because he is almost 3 months clean now. He used mostly alone and didnt have drug friends. But all his friends, coworkers, thought his life was perfect, and yet he was hiding this. We work together and sometimes it was hard to watch knowing what he was hiding and the pressure it placed on him. You are right though, in time if your ex doesnt stop then he will probably get worse. I know coke use can go on a long time from a lot of the stories Ive read especially if one has money to finance it. My boyfriend seemed to realize finally that he had to stop. He was living in fear of someone finding out and his career being over, and after he tried to stop on his own a couple times then he saw he couldnt do it easily, This I think also made him realize he had a problem. He wasnt controlling it like he thought.

I think in answering your question about will he come back and try to fix things. I think he probably will. Part of it may be because of the addiction, but more likely you know we form bonds with people, and often it is hard to let go. Addicts form bonds too. Not healthy ones in some cases, but they still value those relationships. My guess is he will come back, but unless he makes changes nothing will change his course, or yours if you take him back. I know it hurts now, probably more than I can imagine because you also got close to his kids, but you sound like you have a good head and are thinking clearly. Sorry for your pain.

peacedove

yes, it is painful, no doubt. at the same time, it is less stressfull overall. i do need to make a particular plan in case he returns because having no plan leaves me wide open for future hurt. so far, there has been no contact from him and i, of course, have made no contact either. i am just getting used to the new routine of being single, taking care of me for a change, focusing on keeping busy but also doing relaxing things, too. having shut down my FB account was one of the BEST things I did, believe it or not because I know zero about him, zero about the mutual aquaintances we had, zero about his family AND he knows nothing of me. FB can be a real issue if used improperly so I chose to not have it at all. what was once fun is not so much now. so i closed it down. yay and good for me.
as to a plan in case he returns, well...that's like trying to guess winning lotto numbers almost as to what or when or how he may do it. he also may not do it at all. so, i think about it but not to the point i dwell too much and give him too much of the energy i need for positive thoughts and positive outcomes for my recovery.
the main thing i will always remember is this: it isn't going to work. it can't work. that can be my plan that handles anything if i just stick to those two sentences. not only is it the truth but it covers pretty much everything he could present. oh, and also, i don't want it to work.
to you all, yes, there was a time i obviously wanted it to work. i was there and i was actively in it. i wanted to be and i loved it. until i didn't. until i felt what i feel now and realize how far gone he actually is. these children were not mine and i knew that from the beginning. of course when things were good i was with them every available day and able to love and care for them.it was wonderful. but when things went bad...i lost the children and i lost him. i am unable to see those children and honestly it's been the hardest part of most of this. children take your heart in a different way than an adult. taking him back, having those children back in my life again then having to lose he and them all over again because of more chaos or more roller coaster antics in the future(and although it is not 100% for sure it is most likely!)would be awful all over again.
i feel as if i am in a place of "let me get through this solidly right now, learn from it, don't be resentful of it, heal and just move on."
i am reading, storing the info, processing my feelings and doing what we all do...take it one day to the next and just heal.

peacedove

that is wonderful yours cleaned up/saw the light/had fear of something. mine is different in that he is always "out and about" with his business, well known and liked by so many(if someone doesn't like him then i just don't know who they are), has so many aquaintances always ready to be "out on the scene" to "have a good time"...well...it's like they all feed off one another, hang out with each other as much as they can and they all have the same desire--to party. is he has that in him then there is no way to change. yes, lack of finances could change it but different variables exist there, too. honestly, he may never change. he's been like this for so long now. the time he changed a little for me to make me feel more comfortable is just a drop in a big bucket of the other time. i can only see an arrest, a health crisis or absolute loss of everything he has to include his home(but his parents bought him that so prob not going to happen)to make him pause for thought. he is his own boss, his own business so he has no limitations on what he can or can not do. total freedom to sink or swim. all up to him.
i agree with your analogy of they do form bonds with people. it would seem his bonds with other users are way more important and valuable to him than any bond we had though. even though i was there with he and his children and it was openly discussed and verbalized "my daddy loves you" and he would say "yes I do!" and we would all laugh or hug and do what you do when children are so cute about "love"...overall, in hindsight, there wasn't a real appreciation for our love. well, i understand now, their one love is drug(s) of choice and they do not even love themselves so...i deserve more than this for certain. i'm not perfect by any means but i do have the ability to treasure the simple things, to love with all my heart, to run a home and have a family, to be there for my partner through thick and thin and to have someone who does the same for me. remembering my value is important. when things like this happen at first you forget because of whatever reason. the important thing is to remember it. being here is helping me do this. it isn't easy but is sure is better than what was happening. that's for sure.