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I need help My boyfriend of 5 months has been using prescription pills (mostly Xanax) for almost the entire duration of our relationship. He has been active in his addiction for almost 20 years. He has had 1-3 weeks of sobriety at various times while we have been together, but he continues to go back to using in spite of declaring his desire to stop and get his life back on track. I too am sober, and I relapsed after 6 years of sobriety while we were dating, but I have gotten back into the program and I am doing the work. He is the most wonderful person I've ever been with. He's smart, he has a promising career ahead of him, he has a wonderful family and we talk about wanting to be together, and I want that more than anything. All of this is being ruined by his addiction and I'm so scared. I told him that I need to get distance from him (no contact) and I know its best for me to take care of myself because I cannot save him. I know this, and yet I am dying inside and am terrified that he is going to continue to harm himself. I told his family and have spoken with his best friend (who is 7 years sober) and we all are beyond concerned. I've never been to Al-Anon, but I do know I cannot make him want to get sober, and that he has to do it himself. He admitted to me that he chews up to 30 Xanax a day when he uses. He finds shady characters to buy them from, and he ends up selling them and stealing from family to support his pill habit. He's had years of sobriety before, but he eventually relapses and I don't know how bad things need to get for him in order to stop. Am I doing the right thing by not talking to him? His dad said he is going to cut him off and that makes me even more terrified since he's in graduate school, lives off student loans and has NO job. I'm afraid it will make him resort to selling drugs and he is definitely going to lose his house. I just needed to reach out, because I feel like I'm going crazy. Thanks for reading. |
Hi Venice, Disclaimer: I'm sorry that this post is going to come off sounding very blunt and may even sound rude -- it is not my intention at all. When I first came here the posts that cut to the quick were the ones that were most effective for me. My boyfriend of 5 months has been using prescription pills (mostly Xanax) for almost the entire duration of our relationship. He has been active in his addiction for almost 20 years. He has had 1-3 weeks of sobriety at various times while we have been together, but he continues to go back to using in spite of declaring his desire to stop and get his life back on track. Talk is easy. Actions are what count. I too am sober, and I relapsed after 6 years of sobriety while we were dating, but I have gotten back into the program and I am doing the work. Congratulations on your sobriety. I hope that you protect it in every possible way. He is the most wonderful person I've ever been with. He's smart, he has a promising career ahead of him, he has a wonderful family and we talk about wanting to be together, and I want that more than anything. All of this is being ruined by his addiction and I'm so scared. You have every right to be scared. Life can be hell with an active addict. Just take an afternoon and read these F&F boards. It's an eye-opening experience. I told him that I need to get distance from him (no contact) and I know its best for me to take care of myself because I cannot save him. I know this, and yet I am dying inside and am terrified that he is going to continue to harm himself. Yes, facing that fear is the toughest thing of all. Accepting that yes, he may very well harm himself (or worse) by choosing to use drugs is a huge mountain to climb. But these are his choices to make. We make choices too. I choose to not allow the addict in my life take me down with him. I told his family and have spoken with his best friend (who is 7 years sober) and we all are beyond concerned. I've never been to Al-Anon, but I do know I cannot make him want to get sober, and that he has to do it himself. He admitted to me that he chews up to 30 Xanax a day when he uses. He finds shady characters to buy them from, and he ends up selling them and stealing from family to support his pill habit. This is truly the "most wonderful person you have ever been with"? Someone who deals drugs and steals from his family?? This is OK with you? He's had years of sobriety before, but he eventually relapses and I don't know how bad things need to get for him in order to stop. But he's been actively using the entire time you've been together except for a week here or there. So do you think this is a proper basis for "knowing" someone? You really don't "know" him at all. Am I doing the right thing by not talking to him? That depends on your reasons for doing so. Are you doing so to protect yourself so that you can heal from this pain and move on with your life? Or are you doing so to "punish" him or attempt to motivate (or control) his behavior? His dad said he is going to cut him off and that makes me even more terrified since he's in graduate school, lives off student loans and has NO job. I'm afraid it will make him resort to selling drugs and he is definitely going to lose his house. Bummer. I just needed to reach out, because I feel like I'm going crazy. Thanks for reading. I think if you stick around for awhile you will settle down and get a lot more clarity about what you want to do. Welcome to the forum. We're so glad you're here but sorry for the circumstances that brought you. |
I always like it when I read a post and there are intelligent people with intelligent advice. It's one thing being blunt it's entirely another being rude about it. when people come here we are in pain and are looking for comfort and sound advice. and many of us are new. there are intelligent decisions to make within our situation and though addict behavior is similar each situation is different in it's own way. Thank you TJP for being both blunt and intelligent about it. I read a lot on here and only recently started replying to posts again. But I eat the meat and spit out the bones. And no one needs to get offended if I don't take they're advice or criticism. Venice88 welcome read a lot, learn, take what you need and leave the rest. Just to give you a short description of my situation. I logged on and became a member in early March 2013. I am in love with a clean heroin addict. Notice how i said clean not former or ex heroin addict. no such thing. when i came on here my boyfriend had relapsed, after being clean for 2 years. He is now 21 days clean again. We are still together. It's my choice to stay with him for now, that could change but for now I choose to walk with him. Sometimes no contact is good, but I agree with TJP it depends on why there is no contact. Peace. |
My boyfriend was using cocaine for the first year of our relationship. We didnt live together, but I knew and did not end things with him because his use was mostly done when he was alone at home, and while I didnt like it, it didnt affect me. He would have progressed I know. One day he came to me and said he had a problem and needed help. And he has been working now with an addiction doctor since january. He has been clean almost 3 months. Like Graciousone said, we have to make our choices based on our own circumstances, and how we are affected by the other person. Unless your in danger, take your time to figure it out for yourself. |
He admitted to me that he chews up to 30 Xanax a day when he uses. He finds shady characters to buy them from, and he ends up selling them and stealing from family to support his pill habit. excessive drug use shady individuals selling drugs stealing from family only 5 months in so far you already relapsed IMHO you did the right thing to distance yourself and go no contact. your sobriety HAS to come first or suddenly we have two addicts in active addiction!!! he may need to lose and lose a lot befire he "gets" it. i fear how much YOU Have to lose........ |
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