mstrust

i ended the relationship. i had to. too unhealthy for me. and him. but i need to worry about me. i don't think i can ever trust him again. his actions and words don't match up. i don't like the way i behave in this situation. i don't like feeling like i've put in so much and not really gotten much back. at all. i don't want to spend my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. i want stability. i want peace of mind. i'm not getting that in this relationship and i haven't for a very long time. if i ever did.

i don't want to live a life of anxiety. i don't want to wonder if someone is REALLY telling the truth THIS time. i don't want to be with someone that i don't feel has my best interests in mind. i think the only way to let go of my anger and resentment and hurt is to let the whole thing go.

i don't want to doubt myself.

wicked

do not doubt that you are taking care of yourself now, mstrust.
You can have your peace and serenity back.
Letting go of him is the start.

crazybabie

Sending you a big hug I just did the same thing we will be OK.

Ann

In order to find new beginnings, it is important to put closure on the past.

I think your insight is amazing, you know what you want and you know it's not what you have now.

By the time a relationship ends, it's often like shutting the door on an already empty room. There is nothing there anymore, except sad memories and broken dreams.

Take time to heal, take time for you. You will be happier one day soon and find wonderful surprises waiting for you just around the corner.

Hugs

EverHopeful721

((hugs)) mstrust. I agree with Ann - your insight on the matter is amazing, on-point and very inspiring. Good for you for being able to finally put yourself and your own wants/needs FIRST. Your recovery is really starting to shine through - keep it up!!

Faithlove

You wrote exactly how I feel. If only I were as brave and wise as you.

(((Hugs)))

MiSoberbio

If your experience is anything like mine, I imagine that you thought that you were being strong, before, when you were somehow maintaining your relationship with him. But that wasn't really strength: it was feeling paralyzed by fear, unable to make the bold decisions that were necessary.

Now you've started to show your strength. Keep it up and be very aware of your own relapses. You know how a fawn or a foal starts out all wobbly and unsteady? That's you right now (and me, as well). We just need some time to learn how to walk, but we'll soon be running.

terryr97

My life exactly. The only one in this relationship full time was me. And I, too, am done with waiting for the other shoe to drop. I blocked his phones and fb. I just give up, too. Good days are ahead for us both.

Evey

Join the club....except my XABF broke it up with me.....lied to me and told me he wanted to let go of me to "heal himself back to recovery" which was a bunch BS because 2 days later hes posting on FB pictures of him pilled out at bars with his "new" buddies. Im realizing that this is for the best and he has been using behind my back for some time now.....telling me hes home passing out from work but then my girlfriend calls me to tell me she sees my XABF out and about at Daquiri Deck totally hammered with his "new"group of pals.....the trust in my relationship with my XABF was terminated months before he broke it off with me....I wasnt only a GF....i was a mom and a baby sitter as well....too many roles for a young 24 year girl like myself to even know how to handle. I ended up dropping two of my classes last semester because of such emotional drama I have went through with this person all because "i loved him". I quit my job 3 weeks ago when he broke it off w me because I was a wreck and im regretting that so much because hes still working and getting along just fine so why am i the emotional one? because im not on drugs!

Letting go and letting god!

TabulaRasa81

No Kidding! I feel this... I'm still a single Mom...I just have one less kid. xo

graciousone

it's like I said, once you know what you really want, it's easy to know what to do.

You're brave! Bravo.

terryr97

But I never wanted this. I wanted the great guy he was in the beginning. I was forced into this chaos, out of the blue, whenever he decided to relapse and be a jerk. I never wanted this chaos. And I didnt want this or all the other breakups. And it doesnt help knowing that hes going nuts without me cos if I break no contact, im just setting myself up for the chaos sometime soon. He screws up and now let him face the consequences cos im not letting him get better just to mess up again. I too am tired of playing mommy, counselor, lover, doctor etc.

allforcnm

Dont doubt yourself. You have done more than your fair share, and there is no way to have a healthy one -sided relationship.

Maylie

Your strength and courage is shining strong through the words in your post!

You know what you want in a relationship and you have come to terms that he is not able to give that to you. That is a HUGE step. Now it is time to pick up the pieces and move forward with your life. It might get hard at times but the rewards of leaving a toxic relationship are HUGE.

Do some nice things for yourself this week and remember to be gentle and patient with yourself.

mstrust

thank you guys so much for all your encouragement. i don't feel as strong as i might sound, but i am working on it. i know this is the right thing to do but i'm still having trouble with intrusive thoughts about what has happened and a little beating up on myself, somewhat for thinking i should have ended it earlier (woulda coulda shoulda) and somewhat because i internalize the blame he tries to put on me. because i know i have made mistakes, of course, and it's easy for him to turn things around.

he emailed me and said he is working to change himself and threw some stuff in there about my negative reinforcement. said he knows he caused me all kinds of pain. talked about how he has to move forward because if he stays stuck in the problem he won't get the solution. i agree with that, but i also know that part of recovery is owning what you've done and seeking amends. whatever. that's his business. he told me he doesn't deserve me, which frankly just made me feel it was said because it sounds like something i might want to hear.

then things got dumb. i saw the message ended with, "sent from my ipad". he did not have an ipad when he was here. i became offended that he does now. waste of my energy, but it went through my head all the money i've spent, all the times he said he was going to pay me his share to live here and either didn't at all or managed to get the money back somehow...all the times he left me high and dry and didn't even consider i was counting on his help. didn't care. and what does he do, goes and spends money on an ipad. says it was cheap and he got it at a liquidation sale, but whatever. i know it's none of my business, but it just offended me. it made me feel like there was yet another glaring sign of how he always, always puts himself before anyone else...didn't occur to him to send money to me. and i'm still storing all his stuff for him, for nothing. i bought all the things he needed to go to rehab with. it just reeked of selfishness. i was dumb enough to make this opinion known and this pi**ed him off and he proceeded to tell me how i love negativity and i'm just filled with hate..."take your hate to someone else" was what he said, actually. it hurt. even though i know in general, i'm a pretty happy, well-balanced, positive person outside of this situation. it truly is the only thing that brings any of this out of me. another reason ending it is the right decision.

i hope i can continue on this path to getting better. i hope i don't let myself be tripped up. i have control of that, but old habits die hard.

broken101

Mstrust,
I may wait till the day I die, and 100 life times I will not hear my exbf say sorry he was wrong or did anything bad to me. Its all our fault and will forever be. Accept and move on.

As for the ipad…well stupid me brought this looser 2 cars one he crashed within 3 days after I brought it while he was going to see his other GF haha. Second one I brought on a credit card had a contract to show he would pay me back he somehow got his hands on it and destroyed it. Anyways thousands of $ gone never will be seen even my unpaid doctors bill while I was pregnant with his kid all my won responsibility. Forget about it move on I know u get mad and frustrated so do I when each month I have to pay his bills. What can I do wish I could do some things to him I wouldn’t mention here but where would that put me behind bars for the rest of my life? He is not worth he took to much away from me already not going get an ounce more.

Time does make it better I hurts but its gets easier each passing day. PRAY.

allforcnm

You sound strong. Remember that quote 'fake it till you make it' when your feeling down. There is usually some anger at any breakup, so I would let his words slide off. There are definetly stages to healing, prayers being sent that your able to move gently through them.

terryr97

I am so with you. Everytime I have to pay a bill (cellphone, bed, trips, ets.) that hes left me with, I go through the anger. And, somehow, he has resentments. Argh! But thats ok. It's worth the money to have learned this lesson (I keep telling myself) and everyday I work on getting stronger. Money is nothing. Peace of mind is everything.

peacedove

Oh that was good to read through for me. Thank you all. My AAXBF owes me $$(imagine)and also a valuable art piece in the home we were renovating(his home but our to be future home which is the reason for the $$$ or art to even be there if that makes sense.) When he ended it, all I asked was to pick up the art and return his key to him. Turned in to the most immature thing imaginable. No reasonable response or pick up time or arrangement could be made with him. None. Didn't matter what I proposed. So, I let it go. Imagine he will pawn it, destroy it and the $$$$ I can forget about, too. I have to tell myself the material things are not worth my sanity or the interaction or the energy it would take to get them. I have to forget about "right and wrong" or feel like I am entitled to them and get in there and fight for it. I tell myself he is holding them hostage for a reason--his reasons--and the best thing I can do for me is lose them but learn from it. Is that the best, correct thinking on my part? I hope so.

oooopps

so simple and clear headed. I love this! Thank you for sharing!