madisonblake

Let me just start by saying I’m embarrassed to be back here. After all of my previous years of posts and the headway I made and all the heartfelt replies I heard from this community, I’m back in the same spot asking for some help and guidance. It’s seriously embarrassing. I was doing so well, felt strong, got a new job which was a promotion, etc. Then one day I decided to just send an email to see how my AEXBF was doing last November. That’s all it took to start the roller coaster. It’s been 5 months of pure hell.
Honestly, I don’t even know what to say except I’m embarrassed to even reach out to all of you eventhough I know damn well I shouldn’t be.
All I will explain at this point is that I’m on a beautiful beach on the Atlantic with my daughter. It was a trip I booked with my ex. Of course, the craziness started, the drugs, the lies, the abuse, the mania which doesn’t even need to be described in detail because you all know it. I contributed to the madness at the end to find the truth but I already knew the truth.
The best thing I did was not allow him to come on the trip. We were supposed to stay at a home of a family member of his on the beach. Literally, less than 24 hours before I left for this trip, something inside me said “NO WAY!” My daughter and I flew down here, I booked a condo so last minute in an amazing place for kids, rented a car and figured it all out. It was about 1 am the night before we were leaving. The voice inside me said no way allow this to happen. No way allow this person to come with you on this trip. I could have so easily reverted back to calming this angry person down after our fight Friday night (over the fact he had been doing drugs again by the way) but I didn’t. I found us a way down here.
….but I’m still so embarrassed to say I came back to this point after I felt like I had been over this thing. Urgh. Maybe I will write more later. I think it will be good for me.

bamboo38

Thanks for your honesty and bravery. I'm checking in here again, much like you and so many others, after the on and off, the respites and the relapses. Last week I took my son and his friend on a short vacation that was supposed to include my XABF and his daughter. Again, more times than I can remember, I ended up alone, because of a relapse the week(s) before and my putting my foot down that it's not OKAY to lock me out and go MIA and reappear and put on a show like everything's cool.

I'm proud of you, and happy that you are enjoying the sun and surf, and that you have more reason to convince yourself that there is a beautiful life out there when we decide we deserve it.

Ann

It strikes me that it's somewhat like when an alcoholic thinks he can take one tiny drink...and then it starts all over again.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and say "thank you for the lesson" and grow.

You'll be okay. We all mess up. We don't need to be embarassed, getting honest is good for the soul.

Welcome back hugs

RDBplus3

Addiction is like the movie, 'Island of Dr. Moreau'.

He who uses goes back to the House of Pain.

Or just as true....

He who gets involved with an addict goes back to the House of Pain .

As you already know, this is a place of healing, not condemnation. We do enough of that to ourselves, at least I did.

zoso77

It's amazing the things we give ourselves permission to do when deep down we really know better. Denial's a funny, funny thing, and Ann nailed it in her comments to you.

Don't feel embarrassed. Don't feel bad. You made a mistake, you paid for it, you recognized it, and now you move on...

ZoSo

Faithlove

Welcome back! Good for you for making that decision to go on vacation without him! Thank you for posting; it's a realistic reminder for those of us who think going back to our A will be ok. Sadly, it's usually not. Especially in romantic relationships.

Enjoy the beach!!!!

Hanna

Welcome back any way. I'm glad you came back and know you will be, too.

Peace,
Hanna

PS - I'm not perfect in my journey, either.

laurie6781

Ohhh (((((Madison)))))

Please, never be embarrassed. It happens to many of us, no matter how much time we have invested in our recovery and ourselves.

Example. In early 2010 I received a phone call from my 'first real love' whom I had not seen or been in contact with for 43 years. Well, yep, this old heart went 'pitty pat' and after 2 or 3 phone calls I accepted his offer to come visit him in Florida. That set off 10 months of DENIAL on my part, and getting more and more miserable. I refused to see the Elephant in the Room.

We did a lot of traveling and flying back and forth to each others homes. In early October of that year, I finally WOKE UP full force to the fact he was a 'fricking practicing alcoholic' and that was the reason we broke up so many years ago. Sheesh talk about being a 'slow learner' or 'still being in denial' IT WAS ME!!!!

I flew home and went No Contact. And it finally became apparent to me just how 'stressful' those 10 months had been (I am a diabetic and stress is NOT good for a diabetic at all!) when in early January of 2011 I ended up in the hospital for 5 days all, I believe a direct consequence of those 10 months. Continued to be on SR, but I can tell you that my Alanon meeting schedule sure picked up big time!!! lol along with my calls to my Alanon sponsor in California! I also revived my 'visits' to my therapist for almost all of 2011. All helped me to get 'back on track' and to see I was just 'human' and not "Super Woman." One more time.

So, be grateful you realized this sooner than I did, as you won't have harmed your body with that much more stress!! You opened your tool box and you will do great!

Do NOT be embarrassed! This thing called 'recovery' is a road of 'progress' not 'perfection.' We have these little 'bumps' in the road. Does not make us 'bad' people. Just makes us human and for me grateful I was not perfect (doG that would be so boring!).

Enjoy your vacation with your daughter!!!!

Welcome back!!!! We are walking with you in spirit! I am looking forward to your posts and your ES&H!

Love and hugs,

madisonblake

Thank you so much to all of you. We had a good day at the beach today and are staying busy. I'm trying as much as I can to just not think about him. As I think of the last few years, he just got worse as far as his behavior towards me. The last five months were pure hell! Just pure HELL. Best quote ever....."just because I've been losing a lot of weight doesn't mean I'm doing drugs again!" Oh really? It isn't from all the Adderal, Vicodin and Xanax your popping lately that I've been finding in your house. Oh NO, I'm sure that has nothing to do with it! Ha. I mean you almost have to laugh at some of the BS they throw at you. He looked HORRIBLE when I left. Just horrible. I'm sure it's worse than I even think.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks again. I'm waiting for my beautiful pricess to wake up from her nap so we can go have some more fun!

madisonblake

Laurie - wow, 43 years. That's something I need to remember. Sadly, I don't see my ex really ever recovering. I just don't. I hate to say that but I just don't see him getting clean unless something very bad happens to him. One stint of rehab, losing his license and being on probation this entire past year apparently was not enough of a wake up call. I think unless he ends up in jail or worse, he will never stop.

EverHopeful721

I agree about my XA, madisonblake.... He's been using since he was a teenager and his DOC is cocaine, mixed with alcohol and sometimes weed. Unless he gets help for the underlying cause of why he uses (which I know stems from his terrible childhood), I don't see him ever getting clean. It's so obvious that the reason he uses is to FORGET all of that and numb his feelings. I see him just moving on from uncommitted relationship to uncommitted relationship, forever blaming the women, indefinitely. He's already had one DUI, and my greatest fear for him is that he will end up in jail or worse, but it's no longer my place to worry about it. He's moved on (or rather, BACK, to one of his exes who works at the bar where he drinks/uses and most likely, uses as well). It's so very sad and just breaks my heart....