easiersaid

ABF/father of my kids drained my bank account not once but twice this past week. He also used on Wednesday. I confronted him about the needle cap floating in the toilet and his drug-induced behavior. He said he had in fact shot up but it was only suboxone.. Right. I don't believe that, and the vein in his poor arm looks horrible. Anyway, after running to my counselor Friday morning pissed off because id overdrawn my account not knowing he had taken the last of my money, I told him he needed to go stay with his mom or a friend. I just can't take the lies and the shady behavior anymore. I really don't think he would shoot up suboxone, although I know people do it. And it doesn't matter if he was paying back his boss, I am not the one who owes his boss money so it shouldn't be my money paying him back! And he absolutely has NO RIGHT to take my money without asking or even telling me after the fact. There have been several occasions the past couple months that o thought I should have more in my account than I really did. But I always try to convince myself that he is being honest. Even when I know better. I'm still doing it. Look at me typing all this trying to justify my decision and feel better about it. I know we dont need to live together, But I can't help but think how I might feel if several years down the road we aren't together and he has a new girlfriend... Or wife. Yuck. What an awful thought. But I'm not happy right now and haven't been for a long time. We fight all the time. I'm paranoid all the time. I needle hunt. I look for foil. I look at his arms for fresh marks. I search his pants pockets. I look for girls phone numbers in his work pants. I look in the toilet tank and go through the garbage. I stare at the car windshield looking for splatters of blood to see if he shot up in the car again. I stare at his eyes and watch his every move. He has scars on his face from staph infections. My heart breaks for him. My heart also breaks for me and the kids. And I'm so angry inside from all of his cheating and lies and drug use and jail time and probation and drug court and losing jobs.......wow. I'm a mess.

lilyB2013

I'm so sorry- I think my AXBF has done and is doing nearly every single point in your post.

Change your banking information- IMMEDIATELY. I learned this the hard way. Many a month short on the rent, many a day with overdrafted accounts because I didn't know he'd taken my debit card and took whatever he pleased. Change your pins, and try to get daily automatic email or txt updates with your account balances.

As for the needle hunting... Well, I have to say I still do that occasionally from time to time. I have to admit, though, that in the time between reading a ton of posts here, going to CoDa meetings, etc... I hardly do it anymore. And when I do, I stop and realize that well... Knowing or not knowing- is it going to change anything? It won't soothe your mind, I promise you-- it will only make you feel more insecure and unhappy. Now when I catch myself with my hand on his dresser drawer--- I remember that I just ain't got time to look through his stuff. And if I find something, it's just going to distract me from what I have to do that day. I have to make a CONSCIOUS decision to not aggravate my nerves- because I deserve peace. As do you!!

easiersaid

This is the text I received after I told him we need to be separate. "I mean stop its not worth it. One day please have the guts to say your sorry and you were wrong. I wont forget u good night and bye and ull remember some day and wish thats a prmise bye". I need to have the guts to say I was wrong about breaking up and apologize?

Ann

What if you stayed several years and were still living like this...or worse? Addiction is a progressive disease and gets worse as it grows.

Or what if you were the person with a new partner who treated you with love and respect and didn't ever jeopardize your financial situation and who loved your kids and made you happy? New beginnings can happen but not before the present is dealt with and put behind you.

I worry about needles in the same house as children. That is just scary and could literally kill one of your children or you if any of you "accidentally" jabbed yourself.

This is a bad situation and getting worse. You are all in harms way, dear, and it's time to get yourself someplace safe while you think about what you want for your future. Do you have family that you could stay with? If you have nobody and obviously no money, a women's shelter could offer you help in finding a place.

Please take care of yourself and your children. Please see the danger you are in. I say this because I care, not because I should tell you what to do.

Hugs

Maylie

First things first, close your eyes and take a deep long slow breath. I have learned that when my head starts spinning with thoughts the best thing to do is to take a step back and concentrate on my breathing and what I can control in that moment. You can't control him but you can control your breathing and with time hopefully your reactions.

Whether he is shooting up his suboxone or other drugs, he is still not in recovery. He is an active addict and is not moving in the right direction at all. While what he does is not up to you, his actions are something to strongly consider when determining what actions you should take to protect yourself and your children.

Don't let his text messages rattle you. In fact, addicts will say anything to hurt us or make us doubt our decisions so it is prob. best to not even read his messages or if you do, don't give them any weight. You need to act on what you know to be true which is that you are not happy, he is in active addiction, your children are in danger because he is actively using, and things are not going to get better anytime soon. Never mind that he is running through your money and putting you in a bad position.

I know that it is scary to picture someone we love with someone else down the road but as Ann said, what if in seven years you are still in this hell when if you had left you could be with someone that treated you with respect, love, and dignity. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and although change and uncertainty can be extremely scary, there is nothing more scary than the high prob. that in seven years if you don't left that you will be in the same spot, if not in a worse spot, and by then the misery and resentment will be a million times worse than right now.

We only get one life, don't spend it wishing that tomorrow will be better. No one deserves to live their lives searching for needles, getting their money stolen, worrying about cheating, having no stability, and not being treated with respect. You and your children deserve so much better. Your children cannot control any of this, and they deserve a happy household along with a mother who is able to fully enjoy life. Do it not only for yourself, but do it for your children who need you more now than ever.

Our reactions and moods affect way more than just ourselves. If you can take a week to get away and look at how things are going. Sometimes we need to take a couple steps back in order to see what is going on right in front of us. Above all, know that you deserve to be happy and you won't ever be alone...you have your children, family, friends, and all of us walking along with you.

TabulaRasa81

You said the thought of him with a new girlfriend down the road is disturbing for you, I get that. I keep catching myself thinking who's gonna love me down the road, with 2 kids...like I need a new man right away.....co dependency is twisted, right? Feel for you, and stay strong!

AnvilheadII

I stare at the car windshield looking for splatters of blood to see if he shot up in the car again.

PLEASE think really hard about that statement. looking for blood spatter in the car that carries your precious children. AGAIN. looking for needles. in the home in which your precious children reside. looking to see how much money HE stole out of the account that provides for your precious children.

til now you have given implicit consent for him to do those things. by allowing him time and again to get away with this stuff without consequence, by allowing him access to your account. he shows ZERO regard for you, or for the safety of the kids. he has bankrupted you in many ways. time to stop the bleeding...literally and figuratively. this you DO NOT NEED.