someone talk to me like i am four.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
someone talk to me like i am four.
i'm not doing well. i'm so far back in my codie bulls**t that i can't see the forest for the trees. i'm reading and reading and reading and trying and trying and trying to "get it" and i keep falling short and my negative emotions won't let go of me, or i of them.
here are some things that i really, REALLY need help with...
1. i keep reading about how the hurt and anger we feel is really about our own issues and things we have stuffed inside that are now coming out. when is it ever about the damage caused by the addict? when is it a normal reaction to a really f**ked up situation?
2. i read their recovery is their business, our recovery is our business. ok. when does work on damage done to the relationship start? the work i feel it takes two people to accomplish? i keep hearing that he can't do the work he needs to do on his recovery if he is stuck in the past and stuck in all the s**t that happened. i get that. but i feel like i am trying to recover FROM the s**t he can't be in.
3. when trust has been shattered, how do you hold on and let go at the same time? i am constantly worrying about everything...what's happened, what might happen, what doesn't happen, etc. obsession is selfish, i read. maybe that's true.
4. it's gotten so pathetic inside my head that i worry that my posts are pi**ing people on here off. and this isn't the first time i've felt that way. i KNOW that is me, but i don't know where it comes from.
here are some things that i really, REALLY need help with...
1. i keep reading about how the hurt and anger we feel is really about our own issues and things we have stuffed inside that are now coming out. when is it ever about the damage caused by the addict? when is it a normal reaction to a really f**ked up situation?
2. i read their recovery is their business, our recovery is our business. ok. when does work on damage done to the relationship start? the work i feel it takes two people to accomplish? i keep hearing that he can't do the work he needs to do on his recovery if he is stuck in the past and stuck in all the s**t that happened. i get that. but i feel like i am trying to recover FROM the s**t he can't be in.
3. when trust has been shattered, how do you hold on and let go at the same time? i am constantly worrying about everything...what's happened, what might happen, what doesn't happen, etc. obsession is selfish, i read. maybe that's true.
4. it's gotten so pathetic inside my head that i worry that my posts are pi**ing people on here off. and this isn't the first time i've felt that way. i KNOW that is me, but i don't know where it comes from.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
mistrust,
It is better to be pi$$ed off than pi$$ed on.
I had to acknowledge the pain and mistrust I had caused. I have no 'Right' to expect my wife and kids to just 'accept' and 'believe' I am a completely new person. I realize 'trust' may be a long time coming, and it will be based on the longevity of my actions, behavior, and SOBRIETY.
My wife has allowed me to stay in the family. I have made a commitment to complete sobriety. I have acknowledged that I am aware that my addictive use and actions were self-centered, and I endured their venting about how it made them feel.
I have to be accountable now, and I absolutely have to be sober every day. I cannot, however, grovel under continual berating. It would be extremely counterproductive for me, my wife, and the family environment. I assume that is not your intention or desire. If I were to go back to my addictive drinking behavior, I would be demanded to leave, and face the consequences of divorce, plus the reparations a judge may impose. If your husband is in fact working a sincere program, and you still cannot stand having him be there, counseling may be needed, or at least a sincere self-examination. You, however, do NOT have to feel like you are the cause of your feelings about what has happened.
Please acknowledge that my thoughts and statements are based solely on my own experience, and are only a depiction of what I have been through, as I see it related to your post.
I will pray that your marriage can be restored, and Love and Trust be restored.
It is better to be pi$$ed off than pi$$ed on.
I had to acknowledge the pain and mistrust I had caused. I have no 'Right' to expect my wife and kids to just 'accept' and 'believe' I am a completely new person. I realize 'trust' may be a long time coming, and it will be based on the longevity of my actions, behavior, and SOBRIETY.
My wife has allowed me to stay in the family. I have made a commitment to complete sobriety. I have acknowledged that I am aware that my addictive use and actions were self-centered, and I endured their venting about how it made them feel.
I have to be accountable now, and I absolutely have to be sober every day. I cannot, however, grovel under continual berating. It would be extremely counterproductive for me, my wife, and the family environment. I assume that is not your intention or desire. If I were to go back to my addictive drinking behavior, I would be demanded to leave, and face the consequences of divorce, plus the reparations a judge may impose. If your husband is in fact working a sincere program, and you still cannot stand having him be there, counseling may be needed, or at least a sincere self-examination. You, however, do NOT have to feel like you are the cause of your feelings about what has happened.
Please acknowledge that my thoughts and statements are based solely on my own experience, and are only a depiction of what I have been through, as I see it related to your post.
I will pray that your marriage can be restored, and Love and Trust be restored.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
MsTrust...
I will not treat you like you're four.
But I will give you some tough love. Ready...because here it comes...
You need to decouple from this person. Your first three questions, more-or-less, center around how the addict has hurt you or damaged the relationship. You can't go back and undo what's been done. Ruminating about it will drive you to posting "someone talk to me like i am four".
In C/C++ compute language jargon, this is what you're doing to yourself:
for ( ;; ) **
printf("He hurt me!!!\n");
}
where the ;; means you're stuck in an infinite cognitive loop of your own making. So it's time to Control-C out of this and reboot.
What's done is done. Let it go. Allow the addict the space to do whatever it is that they need to do. And allow yourself the time and space to recover from your psychic wounds. Put the focus on you, not the addict. Take your favorite CD by your favorite band or singer, hop in the car, and drive somewhere you've never been and change the f**king channel in your head by giving your eyes something different to look at. Roll down the window. Smell the spring air. If you live near the ocean, drive there. Eat something you love to eat.
I recommend you acquire a copy of Neil Peart's Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road. Peart's the drummer of Rush, and this book is about how he dealt with loss and depression.
Get unstuck. Get free. Break those shackles, and start living the life you want to live and not the life of a victim.
With Affection and Respect,
ZoSo
I will not treat you like you're four.
But I will give you some tough love. Ready...because here it comes...
You need to decouple from this person. Your first three questions, more-or-less, center around how the addict has hurt you or damaged the relationship. You can't go back and undo what's been done. Ruminating about it will drive you to posting "someone talk to me like i am four".
In C/C++ compute language jargon, this is what you're doing to yourself:
for ( ;; ) **
printf("He hurt me!!!\n");
}
where the ;; means you're stuck in an infinite cognitive loop of your own making. So it's time to Control-C out of this and reboot.
What's done is done. Let it go. Allow the addict the space to do whatever it is that they need to do. And allow yourself the time and space to recover from your psychic wounds. Put the focus on you, not the addict. Take your favorite CD by your favorite band or singer, hop in the car, and drive somewhere you've never been and change the f**king channel in your head by giving your eyes something different to look at. Roll down the window. Smell the spring air. If you live near the ocean, drive there. Eat something you love to eat.
I recommend you acquire a copy of Neil Peart's Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road. Peart's the drummer of Rush, and this book is about how he dealt with loss and depression.
Get unstuck. Get free. Break those shackles, and start living the life you want to live and not the life of a victim.
With Affection and Respect,
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
thank you both. i know i am stuck. i know a lot of this i am doing to myself at this point.
RDB--he isn't here. he is 1500 miles away. and part of my problem is being constantly alone. my story is dumb, but if you read back, you would see that he has been out of my life more often than not since last june when i found a needle in the house and he ran away from it all. he came and went and came and went for six months. now he's gone again to get help. that's good. it is. but i'm alone, dealing with this alone, like i have been the whole time. i guess it comes with the territory, but it's part of my pile of resentment. my counterproductive, hurting no one but me, resentment. and the worst part, we aren't married. he isn't my husband. i have no children. we were engaged at one point, but that's it. we own no property together. i have nothing tying me to this person but my own investment in the situation and my own feelings.
zoso...how i always appreciate your blunt honesty. truly. i try so hard, i do. i do get out, i do try to do the good things about myself you're talking about and this keeps coming back. i do not know what i'm holding onto. i am living the life of a victim. i don't know how to stop. and as i've said in other places, a lot of my anger now is directed right at myself, for doing this all wrong. for not letting go. for still being part of this despite all that's happened.
i feel like some people have gone through similar feelings, experiences, thoughts, struggles yet i also feel completely alone. maybe i'm just the most stubborn person i know.
RDB--he isn't here. he is 1500 miles away. and part of my problem is being constantly alone. my story is dumb, but if you read back, you would see that he has been out of my life more often than not since last june when i found a needle in the house and he ran away from it all. he came and went and came and went for six months. now he's gone again to get help. that's good. it is. but i'm alone, dealing with this alone, like i have been the whole time. i guess it comes with the territory, but it's part of my pile of resentment. my counterproductive, hurting no one but me, resentment. and the worst part, we aren't married. he isn't my husband. i have no children. we were engaged at one point, but that's it. we own no property together. i have nothing tying me to this person but my own investment in the situation and my own feelings.
zoso...how i always appreciate your blunt honesty. truly. i try so hard, i do. i do get out, i do try to do the good things about myself you're talking about and this keeps coming back. i do not know what i'm holding onto. i am living the life of a victim. i don't know how to stop. and as i've said in other places, a lot of my anger now is directed right at myself, for doing this all wrong. for not letting go. for still being part of this despite all that's happened.
i feel like some people have gone through similar feelings, experiences, thoughts, struggles yet i also feel completely alone. maybe i'm just the most stubborn person i know.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
mstrust,
After reading this, I was struck by the insight you have.
Have you considered seeing a doctor?
Just to rule out chemical imbalances.
You sound so miserable, and I hope you get out of this rut (in your mind) soon.
Beth
thank you both. i know i am stuck. i know a lot of this i am doing to myself at this point.
Have you considered seeing a doctor?
Just to rule out chemical imbalances.
You sound so miserable, and I hope you get out of this rut (in your mind) soon.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
In C/C++ compute language jargon, this is what you're doing to yourself:
zoso,
this is a keeper! Genius.
I am not a language person, but some some basic classes gave me a hint.
Infinite cognitive loop.
LOL
right now on VH1,
kelly clarkson singin "since you been gone"
When is the last time you took a deep breath mstrust?
for ( ;; ) **
printf("He hurt me!!!\n");
}
where the ;; means you're stuck in an infinite cognitive loop of your own making. So it's time to Control-C out of this and reboot.
printf("He hurt me!!!\n");
}
where the ;; means you're stuck in an infinite cognitive loop of your own making. So it's time to Control-C out of this and reboot.
zoso,
this is a keeper! Genius.
I am not a language person, but some some basic classes gave me a hint.
Infinite cognitive loop.
LOL
right now on VH1,
kelly clarkson singin "since you been gone"
When is the last time you took a deep breath mstrust?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Central Valley
Posts: 131
I won't talk to you like a child either. I want to think from what you have mentioned that you will be losing your time i.e. investment in this relationship over substance. I wonder if you feel more alone when he is around than when he's not.
You deserve a really fresh start. My gut tells me this other person doesn't factor in that equation.
Sorry, my C++ is very rusty. Pull the plug on the endless loop.
You deserve a really fresh start. My gut tells me this other person doesn't factor in that equation.
Sorry, my C++ is very rusty. Pull the plug on the endless loop.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
zoso...how i always appreciate your blunt honesty. truly. i try so hard, i do. i do get out, i do try to do the good things about myself you're talking about and this keeps coming back. i do not know what i'm holding onto. i am living the life of a victim. i don't know how to stop. and as i've said in other places, a lot of my anger now is directed right at myself, for doing this all wrong. for not letting go. for still being part of this despite all that's happened.
You know...when my AXGF did the dirty deed in January 2012, as cruel and as vicious as she was, it finally...finally...led me to choose that I was done being her victim. No more. Done. Estoy acabado!
There was no way in hell I was going to allow a sick person to hijack my well-being from that point on. And I haven't since, even though every few months or so she'll do something to provoke me.
You know what I say. F**k that!!
The only thing that holding on to anger and resentment will get you is stuck in your own sh*t. So choose to let it go. You say you're angry at yourself. You're human. No one is perfect. Not you, not me, not Ann or Cynical One or AnvilHead. You think we haven't made mistakes on our paths to recovery? Of course we have. But the best thing about making mistakes and falling on our faces is understanding why that happened so we don't make that same mistake twice. Mistakes and failure test us. We learn, we grow, and then we move on...better, wiser, stronger.
You're not powerless here. You have the power to make a choice. You can choose to be stuck, or you can choose to move forward. Moving forward doesn't necessarily mean that every day is going to be great, or things won't come to mind that upset you. What moving forward means is you accept what has happened, accept the feelings that come with that, and you live your life. And if you do this, MsTrust, all that anger and hurt will lose their grips on you little by little.
Trust me.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free and finding out the prisoner was you. You will do that when you are in enough emotional pain.
What is your peace of mind worth? Don't let anyone steal it just so you can say you were right ? U wanna be right or be happy?
Learn to set emotional boundaries , once you do you have found a freedom that is indescribable.
Al-anon will help or CODA.
What is your peace of mind worth? Don't let anyone steal it just so you can say you were right ? U wanna be right or be happy?
Learn to set emotional boundaries , once you do you have found a freedom that is indescribable.
Al-anon will help or CODA.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Mistrust, have you read Codependent No More yet? Attending any meetings? Also, have you considered finding another therapist to help you get unstuck?
Your bf is finally working on his recovery, something you and many others, including me, desperately want and pray for. If you love him, let him and work on YOU! Believe it or not, many of us help our addicted loved ones stay sick by enabling and by our own sick obsessive "love."
Instead of focusing on what he has done wrong, maybe it's time to focus on your own role in it all. Dig deep, it is there! It was painful, but I needed to do some hard work on me because being a victim was all too comfortable.
He didn't hold you hostage in this relationship, you chose to stay...time to figure out what your motives were.
Lastly, if your bf gets healthy, he is going to want and need a healthy partner. Imo, shaming and blaming will only be counterproductive to what you claim you want. Work the program you want him to work.
All said with understanding and compassion.
Your bf is finally working on his recovery, something you and many others, including me, desperately want and pray for. If you love him, let him and work on YOU! Believe it or not, many of us help our addicted loved ones stay sick by enabling and by our own sick obsessive "love."
Instead of focusing on what he has done wrong, maybe it's time to focus on your own role in it all. Dig deep, it is there! It was painful, but I needed to do some hard work on me because being a victim was all too comfortable.
He didn't hold you hostage in this relationship, you chose to stay...time to figure out what your motives were.
Lastly, if your bf gets healthy, he is going to want and need a healthy partner. Imo, shaming and blaming will only be counterproductive to what you claim you want. Work the program you want him to work.
All said with understanding and compassion.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
What was your life like before your relationship with your addict? You had a life before him....continue to live it. What were YOUR goals, dreams, etc.,? I asked myself a lot of the same questions you asked, and it just got to the point where I couldn't take being miserable anymore.
I wanted my life back. I could either go on wishing that things were different or make the necessary changes myself. Was it easy? Hell no. There are moments when fear or doubts come to my mind, but I know I did what I had to do.
His addiction has already cost you so much. Don't let it continue taking over your life. Stay positive and continue working on your recovery. The stronger you are in your recovery the better equipped you'll be in dealing with the pain.
Hugs
I wanted my life back. I could either go on wishing that things were different or make the necessary changes myself. Was it easy? Hell no. There are moments when fear or doubts come to my mind, but I know I did what I had to do.
His addiction has already cost you so much. Don't let it continue taking over your life. Stay positive and continue working on your recovery. The stronger you are in your recovery the better equipped you'll be in dealing with the pain.
Hugs
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
What if you cut all contact with him and everyone that knows him and moved forward to the endless possibilities that life has to offer? What's holding you back, what are your fears?
If this is as good as it gets...is it good enough?
If this is as good as it gets...is it good enough?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by mstrust 
2. i read their recovery is their business, our recovery is our business. ok. when does work on damage done to the relationship start? the work i feel it takes two people to accomplish? i keep hearing that he can't do the work he needs to do on his recovery if he is stuck in the past and stuck in all the s**t that happened. i get that. but i feel like i am trying to recover FROM the s**t he can't be in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
thank you all so much. from the bottom of my heart. i've come here over months and months at various points of sane and insane and this is about the craziest i've ever felt. i need all the help and tough love (and sensitivity) i can get.
i have been through so much with him. so much more than i thought could or would ever put up with. my anger is totally covering up the hurt and sadness and betrayal i feel. nothing will change what has happened, that's true. and i know only i can decide to let it go and move on. i know i use anger as a defense to prevent myself from feeling like i can be hurt, but it's a false front. it doesn't work.
to answer some of you--i have read and reread 'codependent no more'. i have highlighted and/or underlined and arrowed most of the book. i have a therapist and he is actually quite good with me. i also am on medication for depression which i started taking a few months into this relationship thinking that if i fixed myself, the rest would fall into place. not to be all TMI, but i also have severe PMS and i take something for that as well. it has helped, but i still notice that i am way worse at "that time". i haven't been to meetings. i went to one al-anon meeting last year and i never went back. i don't know why. i have the schedule. i think about it all the time. the only coda meeting remotely is about 45 minutes away once a week.
cynical one. what am i afraid of indeed?? truly, i'm afraid of wasting much more of my life and energy on this. for some reason, this past week i have been at my worst. and at the same time, he is avoiding me, ignoring my calls and texts and emails. he tells me how much he loves me with all his heart and feels it deep in his soul and it's totally real and he wants only me and no one else, but i feel i am constantly treated with disregard, constantly dismissed. i don't believe he has my best interests in mind at all, if that makes any sense. i am compromising my self-respect and my dignity in a way that i am actually shocked by. it's embarrassing. i've also felt scared of making the wrong decision by ending it. and then wondered why on earth i think that would be the wrong decision. i have spent far more time in this relationship feeling bad than good. i would love to know what it's like to be at peace on more than a temporary basis. what is stopping me but me?
again, a lot of my anger is directed right at myself. at being in yet another relationship that has hurt me and taken more from my life than added to it. what i've been focusing on in therapy is why i settle like i do. what it is inside me that leads me to believe and behave as though i deserve no better than this. why i am so quick to blame myself. why i put myself last. why i'm more worried about what he feels, thinks, wants, needs than i am how i feel. to the point sometimes that i don't even bother to think about how i feel at all...to the point that i don't even KNOW how i feel at all. one of the things that has really hit home for me in reading 'codependent no more' is how i was taught through my life that my feeling are NOT ok. i come from a very unemotional family and i remember often being told to change my attitude. i remember times when i was upset as a kid and reacted to with annoyance or dismissal, but never really asked what was wrong or comforted. i can count on one hand the times i can remember being told 'i love you' past the age of about ten. my parents did the best they could with what they had, i know, and they aren't bad people. but they certainly weren't nurturing or affectionate with me. or with each other, for that matter.
so i have a lot of work to do.
and no, cynical one, this isn't good enough. not even close. and noanxtime, i do feel more alone with him than without him. i just wish this all was just a little easier. i keep trying to tell myself that once i actually make a decision and begin acting on it, things will better fall into place for me. the way i am now, i am locked in position. nothing changes if nothing changes. fact.
i have been through so much with him. so much more than i thought could or would ever put up with. my anger is totally covering up the hurt and sadness and betrayal i feel. nothing will change what has happened, that's true. and i know only i can decide to let it go and move on. i know i use anger as a defense to prevent myself from feeling like i can be hurt, but it's a false front. it doesn't work.
to answer some of you--i have read and reread 'codependent no more'. i have highlighted and/or underlined and arrowed most of the book. i have a therapist and he is actually quite good with me. i also am on medication for depression which i started taking a few months into this relationship thinking that if i fixed myself, the rest would fall into place. not to be all TMI, but i also have severe PMS and i take something for that as well. it has helped, but i still notice that i am way worse at "that time". i haven't been to meetings. i went to one al-anon meeting last year and i never went back. i don't know why. i have the schedule. i think about it all the time. the only coda meeting remotely is about 45 minutes away once a week.
cynical one. what am i afraid of indeed?? truly, i'm afraid of wasting much more of my life and energy on this. for some reason, this past week i have been at my worst. and at the same time, he is avoiding me, ignoring my calls and texts and emails. he tells me how much he loves me with all his heart and feels it deep in his soul and it's totally real and he wants only me and no one else, but i feel i am constantly treated with disregard, constantly dismissed. i don't believe he has my best interests in mind at all, if that makes any sense. i am compromising my self-respect and my dignity in a way that i am actually shocked by. it's embarrassing. i've also felt scared of making the wrong decision by ending it. and then wondered why on earth i think that would be the wrong decision. i have spent far more time in this relationship feeling bad than good. i would love to know what it's like to be at peace on more than a temporary basis. what is stopping me but me?
again, a lot of my anger is directed right at myself. at being in yet another relationship that has hurt me and taken more from my life than added to it. what i've been focusing on in therapy is why i settle like i do. what it is inside me that leads me to believe and behave as though i deserve no better than this. why i am so quick to blame myself. why i put myself last. why i'm more worried about what he feels, thinks, wants, needs than i am how i feel. to the point sometimes that i don't even bother to think about how i feel at all...to the point that i don't even KNOW how i feel at all. one of the things that has really hit home for me in reading 'codependent no more' is how i was taught through my life that my feeling are NOT ok. i come from a very unemotional family and i remember often being told to change my attitude. i remember times when i was upset as a kid and reacted to with annoyance or dismissal, but never really asked what was wrong or comforted. i can count on one hand the times i can remember being told 'i love you' past the age of about ten. my parents did the best they could with what they had, i know, and they aren't bad people. but they certainly weren't nurturing or affectionate with me. or with each other, for that matter.
so i have a lot of work to do.
and no, cynical one, this isn't good enough. not even close. and noanxtime, i do feel more alone with him than without him. i just wish this all was just a little easier. i keep trying to tell myself that once i actually make a decision and begin acting on it, things will better fall into place for me. the way i am now, i am locked in position. nothing changes if nothing changes. fact.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by mstrust
i come from a very unemotional family and i remember often being told to change my attitude. i remember times when i was upset as a kid and reacted to with annoyance or dismissal, but never really asked what was wrong or comforted. i can count on one hand the times i can remember being told 'i love you' past the age of about ten. my parents did the best they could with what they had, i know, and they aren't bad people. but they certainly weren't nurturing or affectionate with me. or with each other, for that matter.
It's 6am here in Argentina. There's a cat in heat outside my building and it sounds like someone is watching porn with the volume set to 11 (out of 10). Can't sleep....
Where are you in your therapy in regards to what I quoted above? What you wrote is important, and it needs to explored.
This is not your only chance at love, mstrust. This is not the only person that is capable of loving you, nor is he the only person that you are capable of loving. To me, it sounds like you are stuck, not in what is going on today, but in your past (well beyond this relationship you write about) and in your worries about the future, both of which you cannot change. The past is done and the future does not yet exist, and yet your thoughts and feelings seem to be locked into one or both.
Emotional maturity is what I am working on most, right now. Intuitively, I've felt for quite a while that I was stuck in adolescence (or something like that), but whenever it was suggested to me that I wasn't mature I would present all my responsibilities as evidence to the contrary: I've run businesses, I've solved countless problems (for others), I take care of myself... but "being responsible" doesn't equate with maturity; neither does one's physical age.
My father is in his late 70's, but he has the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old. Being raised by someone like that had a profound effect on me, although it's taken me 40-odd years to recognize it. I never saw what I consider affection between my parents – I was never shown any example of how to be intimate with a partner. To me, it was all about my father's anger: my mother would do anything just to make sure that he wouldn't explode.
So, in place of affection and intimacy, I learned manipulation and control. I learned that it was my job to make sure that the world around my father was stable, because if it wasn't, I suffered the consequences: the glaring looks, the silent treatment, the constant threat of violence (with the occasional beating). I learned that his reaction to the world was my responsibility, that I would not suffer if I made sure his world was free of stress.
A child doesn't know when a family is dysfunctional – for me, that was normalcy. My mind was ingrained with the idea that I was responsible for the peace and well-being of my family, and that my performance yielded results. As I grew up, I saw friends start to form romantic relationships, but, for me, such things not only seemed foreign, but deep down inside I felt that they were impossible for me.... and so I began to isolate myself.
Love was performative, for me. I demonstrated that I loved others by solving problems, helping, sacrificing, being 'strong'... I did feel love, but the wiring in my brain made it come out distorted: instead of developing forms of expressing my love (including physical intimacy and all the issues of trust that come with that), I focused more and more on what I could do FOR others.
Through the years I attempted to form intimate relationships a handful of times, but nothing lasted more than a few months – I never really felt that special something I was looking for, and at that time, I thought that that "something" was "love" – that I had not yet found love.... Then I met my ex-partner, the one I've written about here on SR, who is an addict.
I see now how I was never really seeking love, but a replacement for my father, or rather, someone else so incapable of managing his own life that I would be welcomed and needed. That my performance would be recognized, applauded, and depended upon. Intellectually and physically, I was a grown adult, but emotionally, I was still a little child, desperately trying to avoid the anger that permeated my home and made me fear every moment.
I'm not saying that your story is the same as mine – each one of us has a unique story and I don't claim that I know what you need to do. You say that you've been to one Al-Anon meeting – I urge you to go back and really listen, and share your own experiences. Go back and keep going back. [If there are multiple groups in your area, try each one; I myself go to Nar-Anon meetings, and there are some groups that I connect with better than others.] You will not get any answers quickly there – recovery is a slow and ofttimes painful process that requires commitment – but it is likely that, with time, you'll begin to understand how your story dovetails with others, and you'll learn how others managed to move on from their endless cycles of obsession, self-neglect, and inaction. For me, the realization and acceptance that I was emotionally immature was not easy, but it has helped me stop straddling the past and the future and to firmly plant my feet in the present.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
1. i keep reading about how the hurt and anger we feel is really about our own issues and things we have stuffed inside that are now coming out. when is it ever about the damage caused by the addict? when is it a normal reaction to a really f**ked up situation?
We stay in a crappy relationship even though there are repetitive negative consequences.
The addict continues to use even though there are repetitive negative consequences.
We blame the addict for the negative consequences.
The addict blames others for the negative consequences.
2. i read their recovery is their business, our recovery is our business. ok. when does work on damage done to the relationship start? the work i feel it takes two people to accomplish? i keep hearing that he can't do the work he needs to do on his recovery if he is stuck in the past and stuck in all the s**t that happened. i get that. but i feel like i am trying to recover FROM the s**t he can't be in.
3. when trust has been shattered, how do you hold on and let go at the same time? i am constantly worrying about everything...what's happened, what might happen, what doesn't happen, etc. obsession is selfish, i read. maybe that's true.
4. it's gotten so pathetic inside my head that i worry that my posts are pi**ing people on here off. and this isn't the first time i've felt that way. i KNOW that is me, but i don't know where it comes from.
When you're truly ready for change, you'll do whatever it takes to make that happen....just like an addict. Until that time, we keep chasing whatever "high" (or low) that is giving us the payoff.
It took a long time, and a pretty low "low" for me to finally do what it took to get better. I trusted the process and it worked for me. When you're ready, you'll embrace your own change......until then.....you'll be trapped in that continuous loop.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
As often said, we are only the victim once, after that we are a willing participant.
The lies I told myself were incredible.
I often used my marital vows as a reason to stay. Lie
I wanted to hold the family together. Lie
I needed to save him. Lie
It wasn't that bad. Lie
He owed me - to make this up to me. Lie
He was all to blame. Lie
I stayed because of my own ego and my own fears. Until, I accepted that, I could not move forward. I had to start with forgiving myself and that very hard for me.
The lies I told myself were incredible.
I often used my marital vows as a reason to stay. Lie
I wanted to hold the family together. Lie
I needed to save him. Lie
It wasn't that bad. Lie
He owed me - to make this up to me. Lie
He was all to blame. Lie
I stayed because of my own ego and my own fears. Until, I accepted that, I could not move forward. I had to start with forgiving myself and that very hard for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: In bizarroworld
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
As often said, we are only the victim once, after that we are a willing participant.
The lies I told myself were incredible.
I often used my marital vows as a reason to stay. Lie
I wanted to hold the family together. Lie
I needed to save him. Lie
It wasn't that bad. Lie
He owed me - to make this up to me. Lie
He was all to blame. Lie
I stayed because of my own ego and my own fears. Until, I accepted that, I could not move forward. I had to start with forgiving myself and that very hard for me.
The lies I told myself were incredible.
I often used my marital vows as a reason to stay. Lie
I wanted to hold the family together. Lie
I needed to save him. Lie
It wasn't that bad. Lie
He owed me - to make this up to me. Lie
He was all to blame. Lie
I stayed because of my own ego and my own fears. Until, I accepted that, I could not move forward. I had to start with forgiving myself and that very hard for me.
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