vicswife

So reading through all of this stuff it's clear that most do not actually stay drug free. Is this true?

Ann

Some find recovery quickly, some take years, some never do.

There is always hope, there are many double winners right here on this forum and many more a few forums up. They are a beacon of hope to those of us whose loved ones are still lost in their addiction.

We just never know how it will be for the addict we love. My son has been fighting this battle for going on 20 years, at one point had 3 years sobriety and lost it again. That doesn't mean he won't quit tomorrow or next week.

The sad part is that we don't get to say when or how this will end for them. It is out of our hands so the best thing we can do is take very good care of ourselves or we will go down with them.

I keep the candle of hope ever burning in my heart, right between the candles of faith and love.

Hugs

Kindeyes

I know several people who have 20+ years clean. It's not something that is generally talked about except in the inner circles of meetings so we don't hear a lot about long term sobriety. But it's out there.

Here on SR, as Ann mentioned, there are several double winners. But unfortunately most of us are dealing with addicts whole are still held captive by active addiction or are in early recovery.

I have hope.

gentle hugs
ke

laurie6781

(((((vicswife)))))

NEVER give up hope. One never knows when our addicted love one might find recovery.

That being said, 'hope' does NOT mean staying on the CRAZY TRAIN or the ROLLER COASTER RIDE. We still have the option of 'stepping back' and just watching the 'actions' of our A. 'Hope' means it is up to the A, and we have the option of going on with our own lives, living our life, going to shows, concerts, the movies, having some fun with 'our' friends, ie bowling, book club, bicycling, etc

We do not have to stagnate because we have an A that is still practicing or is in 'early recovery' (at least the first year).

Alanon or Naranon and/or one on one counseling can help us to learn how to 'set our own boundaries' and mean them, can help us to rebuild our own self worth and self esteem, can brighten that 'light at the end of our tunnel', etc all by working on ourselves, and giving the A the dignity of making up their own minds about getting help.

When we do the above, we truly start to learn and accept that we CANNOT FIX anyone but ourselves.

So pull up a chair, sit down at that keyboard, and feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes, even laugh. We are here for you! There are folks here who have been where you are now or are where you are now. We are more than happy to share our own Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

We will be walking with you in spirit and what that means is that every time you are having a rough time of it, just picture whatever room or area you are in at the moment, FILLED with ALL of us here at SR, it works, it really does, and you won't feel so alone and deserted.

So, post away!!!!

Love and hugs,

vicswife

I am not sure what "A" is. My husband is in rehab right now and at first it was hard cause I missed him and felt like I couldn't do this. My daughter missed him she has some serious disabilities and she doesn't understand where he is she just knows he's gone and she missed him.
She still does miss him but we are getting by and I am laughing. He's not here to bring me down. He's not here to make things my fault that clearly aren't. People tell me to honor my vows in sickness and in health but why take him back if he's just going to use drugs again? I'm not an addict, I didn't choose that life so why should I let it destroy me?
I'm just trying to understand if this is all a lie. Is he going to come home and just start using again. I know people say relapse but I say choice because it is a choice.

laurie6781

A is abbreviation for An Alcholic or an Addict.

He is not going to come out of rehab whole and ready to resume his life sober and clean. He is going to come out of rehab with some 'tools' on how to live sober daily. The best way for him to then learn how to live sober is to enter a Sober Living Environment House.

He does not have to come back to your home right away. In early recovery after he leaves rehab he now has to start dealing with the 'wreckage of his past' while trying to figure out exactly what all those 'things' (feelings and emotions) are that are going on within himself.

Well..........................it is but it is not. Some of those tools that he will be receiving will help him to put the AV (Addict Voice) into remission so it is not 'talking' to him and creating cravings. However, I have to admit, some of those 'cravings' can be extremely STRONG and very difficult if not impossible to shut up.

I don't approve of relapse, of course, however I do understand it and can see how it does happen, and know that 'choice' has nothing to do with it. Hell, I supposedly had 'choice' to quit for years, and yet it was totally impossible for me to go more than a few hours with having to get more alcohol and/or drugs. There was no 'choice' there, I had reached the point, that I just knew I would die without my alcohol and/or drugs.

It was only once I realized that I would die if I detoxed but I was ready to die Sober, that quitting finally became the option. I wanted to die sober.

Maybe some Alanon and/or Naranon would really be a help for you. I always suggest both as the programs are the same and in many areas there are a lot of Alanon meetings to be able to fit one in one's schedule and few or no Naranon meetings, it would also show you that you are not alone in this, and that there are others going through similar or the same. And yes, two heads can be and are a better way to solve a problems I have, than one head (me alone, lol)

Now that you are starting to feel a bit of serenity and peace in your home with him gone, it is right to want to keep that going, and if that means he goes and resides in an SLE and continues to work on himself than so be it.

None of us, including your husband can answer that. However, you can choose to sit back and watch his ACTIONS to see if he is working at his own recovery, while yo work on yours.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Hanna

I have seen statistics show that plenty of people get clean and stay that way. Some relapse. You can't know what is going to happen with your husband.

If you set clear boundaries for yourself based on the possibilities then you will have a plan in place and a course of action to take if he does start using again.

vicswife

I love him but quite honestly there's been such peace since he's gone. I spoke with him and his counselor today and she's saying that I have to get to know this new sober person that I am thinking of the things the addict did. Well, I get that but since he's been gone I haven't had a selfish self centered person being the nucleus of the house.

Hanna

Do you have a counselor for you, too? She is rightfully not going to be able to counsel you am help you make decisions.

You don't have to make decisions today, either.

Chino

You don't have to do anything. If you choose to get to know this new person, you are free to do it on your terms.

EverHopeful721

I agree with Chino - you don't HAVE to do anything. If you WANT to do it, fine. But don't let them tell you that you HAVE to do it. You need to make that decision for yourself.

neferkamichael

Hey vicswife, thanks to modern science it is now known that addiction is a disease of the brain and has nothing to do with choice or morals. I couldn't make the choice not to use alcohol and drugs and it baffled me for years. There is a movie called Pleasure Unwoven that might help you understand addiction in a new light. Now vicswife, you do have the choice to stay or leave your marriage. As for as religious vows go, they are just traps to make you do somebody elses bidding, so I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. The statistic I believe is about 5% of the people who attempt to quit using make it for a lifetime. I wish the best for you, your husband, and your daugther.

zoso77

It's hard to say.

My clinician is a LICSW at a local hospital, and she's told me that only 10% of the patients admitted for drug/alcohol abuse find recovery. Granted, that's a very, very rough metric. But the point is it's very, very difficult to kick booze and drugs.

ZoSo

helpme33

I know two that were living on the streets and finally got clean. Both were about 40 and they said they were just bone tired of their lives.

Both went to college, have married with great kids, good jobs. If I did not know the people I never would have believed the story.

Both have told me they stay away from any temptation at all, even after 20+ years. Both attended support groups for years. Both tell me it's something that you really have to want with all of your heart to succeed.

And my EXAH never could kick the habit - he enjoyed the party lifestyle too much.

My ex's family, my minister, and others made me feel as if I made the committment for 'better or worse' and I stayed far too long. Now I'm older and I would never listen to anyone telling you to stay. If the addict is truly trying it's one thing - and you will know that soon enough. You have a right to a good life without an addict!
(((huggs and blessings)))

vicswife

I do have a therapist for me, she's helped me to take things step by step but now I do need to start thinking about what's going to be when he takes that flight back. If he doesn't come home, where is he going to go and if he does come home then what?

I know that addictions can be beat, I stopped smoking. It's a matter of setting your mind on it. I just think it's become acceptable to "relapse" when he would go to AA people would talk all the time about relapse as if it was just part of the process.

Maybe i'm just feeling cynical

Hammer

Have to admit that Mrs. Hammer has been a handful (not in a good way much of the time) since she got back from rehab about 4 months ago. I kept telling a friend that would see how things were doing at 90 days. He asked me what happens on Day 91? Stopped me. Dunno.

Now we are at about 120 days, and I am saying we will see how things are going at 6 months. But she has not relapsed (praise God) although she has threatened a couple of times.

Probably should make that Some addictions can be beat by Some People, Some Times. It is definitely NOT a given.

Be really careful about generalizing anyone's experience as applying to anyone else. Some folks are driven towards pleasure. Some away from very intense emotional real physical pain in the brain that they are "medicating." It is VERY real and can even be measured on fMRI. This is real stuff. These folks are just lazy and crazy (although they may be both of those, as well).


I would submit that you just do not understand it all . . . yet. And neither do I.

And that is ok, and just the way things are.

One thing I can caution is that Mercy is always preferable to Justice. For you and him.

AnvilheadII

have you actually been AT a meeting where it was stated that relapse is PART of recovery??? or is that what your AH has said as part of his justification to use again??

relapse is not a requirement - however many DO stumble. sometimes because they were never tHAT keen on getting clean in the first place, sometimes because they don't realize quite what they are up against (addiction is a BEAST), sometimes they end up in the wrong place at the wrong time, and sometimes they just quit caring, for a minute. every addict is exactly ONE bad decision away.....

if you don't want him home right away, sober living/halfway housing may be an alternative for him. you have a child to think of so IMHO your vote counts way more than his.

vicswife

No, he would tell me that. i did go to meetings with him though, I was really trying to be supportive of his recovery.

allforcnm

I remember how much uncertainty there was when my husband was away in rehab. A lot of thoughts went through my mind, sometimes taking me to bad places. I was wondering if his rehab offers any support for family members? My husbands rehab provided me with a therapist, and she was a great help to me.
We dealt with everything from past issues, my own actions and feelings, making plans for when my husband came home... it was very beneficial to me. You might want to consider something like this for yourself, as it allows you to express all these feelings in a safe and private environment.

Relaspe. There are many theories on why it happens, and if it is a choice.
I recently made a thread based on things I have learned, and shared some links to various sites like National Institute of Drug Abuse, which have been helpful to me. They believe addiction is similiar to many other diseases, and actually compare relapse rates of addiction to other illness. Its actually comperable percentage wise to diabetes or asthma. I know seems odd, but its true based on their studies. I think we as wives.. have to accept relapse is possible. We need to have plans in place in case it happens. My husband and I have done this with the help of therapist and marriage counseling, and it brings in an element of security, at least for me.

If you want to read the thread I mentioned, it can be found here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-nida.html
At the very end of the thread, is a post that shares clips from a movie called Pleasure Unwoven. It also speaks to this very issue, and was helpful to me. Pretty much it agrees with everything I learned from the doctors at my husband rehab.

Justfor1

That is a grim reality that many do not accept.