choner11

My AXBF and i recently split (about 2 weeks ago). I cut off all contact with him until he decided he was going to clean his act up. Well he chose to admit himself into a detox (the first time hes ever done it on his own, the other times were mandatory because he was on parole). After detox, he checked himself into a 30 day rehab that hes currently at. I received a "Significant Other Questionnaire" in the mail that was to be filled out and returned. I filled it out but i havent returned it yet. Im not sure if i should. I also got a letter from AXBF telling me everything ive already heard from him, hes sorry, he wants to marry me, wants our family etc etc. he also mentioned theres a family type group at the end of his stay he would like me to attend. My question is, do i go there to support him? Because i do want the best for him. But i dont want him misunderstanding my purpose there. I dont want him thinking because im there we are getting back together. Im not really sure what to do...

neferkamichael

Choner, if you are sure you are not going back to him then don't go, better he not get hs hopes up. It's obvious he wants you back and it could be a huge disappointment to him and he could use it as an excuse to relapse.

Hanna

None of this is enabling. Enabling makes it easier for them to continue their addiction without consequences. But you are not required to do any of it.

I would fill out the questionnaire but make it clear you are no longer his Significant other. It probably is help to his treatment for them to have the info about him that you know.

I wouldn't bother with the family program. That would absolutely give him hope that you are going to stay with him. Attending the family program will not help him. (But the family program I attended wasn't about the addict, it was about the family and how we could be healthy.)

choner11

Thats exactly what i was thinking too. Thank you!

choner11

Thank you Hanna. I did fill out the questionnaire, but i did not return it yet. At the bottom it asked for relationship to patient, i simply put "mother of his child".

atalose

You can’t have one foot on this side of the door and the other food on the other side. You have to be either both feet in or both feet out, there is no grey area.

He’s doing things he’s not done prior but is he doing the detox and rehab because he truly wants to get his life on track or is he doing this to hold onto the relationship?

You are still hearing the words of an addict, all that’s happened so far is the substance is out of his system but his thinking and emotions are still jumbled up. So for him to be trying to make life long commitments NOW doesn’t hold a whole lot of water.

choner11

Atalose, i strongly believe hes only doing the rehab because he thinks that will get us back together. Yes its a good start for his recovery, but he has to live a sober life for atleast a year on his own until i even have faith in him. I made that pact with myself. I can almost guarantee when hes out and realizes im not waiting for him, its only a matter of time. Id love for him to live a life he is capable of, i just dont see it happening. And i also have no control over that and im going to live my life how i want my life lived.

atalose

You need to establish very clear boundaries with him. Don’t leave that grey area open for false hopes for either one of you.

Don’t send mixed messages because you don’t want to hurt him, or think it’s going to cause him to relapse and leave his program.

Don’t get yourself involved in his recovery or atten any family sessions, etc.

If it’s over for you then make it be over.

EverHopeful721

You're really doing so great, choner, and you sound like you're on the right track in your own recovery. Keep it up!!

choner11

Thank You!!

choner11

Atalose, i guess thats where im confused. Im unsure as to if i want a relationship with him. I guess i need to work on that. When hes clean, our relationship is "fairytale", when he picks up, our relationship goes to ****!

dmadeo

Choner, About a year and half ago my boyfriend went to rehab for the first time too. We live in Jersey and he flew to Florida for a 30 day program as well. All was good when he got home. He went to meetings and counseling . From what I knew he never slipped up. But just 6 days ago after being back from rehab for a year and a half he relapsed. He was just like yours, "I love you, Your the only one I see myself with, I want to start a family with you".. all of it. But on the other hand there is me which is exactly how your feeling.. He needs me, what kind of person would I be to leave him when he needs me most. But if I could do things differently I would never EVER of gotten back with him right when he got out. I have learned the hard way that people like him need to do this on their own. They really need to feel what it is to of lost a good thing and sometimes that still isn't enough. It just depends on how strong the individual is and how bad they want it. I just wanted to share my story with you and hopefully some good advice because I really related to this when I read it, mainly because I thought when he went and got help on his own(even though the only reason why I found out he was on drugs was because I caught him- he never just flat out told me he wanted to go for help) that, that was it he was serious.. and unfortunately that was not the case.. we are no longer together.. it took me 3 years to say that's enough. I wish it could of been sooner, but hopefully it doesn't have to be so long for you. Good luck.

choner11

Dmadeo, thank you thank you thank you!!! Your story relates to mine very well (dont they all usually?) This July would be 3 years for us as well, off and on of course. Its exactly that for me, i know the great relationship we have when he is not using. But nothings promising that it will be that way. So i need to just mend my heart and slowly but surely, move on. Again, thank you so soo much!!

dmadeo

Aw your welcome- it's not easy that's for sure.. like i said i was with him almost 3 years in september and it's been only 6 days that we've not been together so i'm still in the same boat at you!! Have a good night!

choner11

One day at a time, thank you. You have a good night too

wiscsober

If you know what you want go for it...your decisions shouldn't be based on his rehabilitation especially when you don't want the relationship.

choner11

Thats the thing, i want a relationship with my AXBF when hes clean and stays clean! But theres no promise to that. I know that i dont want to be with him in his first year of recovery because its so rocky and its the most common timeframe for a relapse. Am i right? I do obviously know everyone is different, but the first year is the hardest. Correct? Ugh, i dont even know anymore...

atalose

Well that’s just it you can’t just pick Dr. Jekyll because he comes with Mr. Hyde.

You have to accept them both if you wish to continue a relationship with this person.

You have to accept the fact that either can appear along the way.

wiscsober

Of course you will have a relationship with him...especially with a child. Seek out Alanon members whom I sure have similar stories and see what worked for them.

I don't know the statistics about relapse but I did blog on the issue if you want to check it out. I am not an expert, but as a double winner AA/AFG, I have had my relapses and worked with other alkies too.

Again, if he remains sober or not during the early stages that is his responsibility. Certainly I would fix boundaries for yourself and child.

Most people want their SO to remain sober, but it is best not to prove something to someone. Recovery isn't a badge of honor, it is lifestyle choices, wellness, a new way of life for the addict as it is for family.

I suggest writing out thoughts about how you want to live your life based on your decisions not his, in general what you want and deserve.

Best to you.

Mountainmanbob