Is my new partner using drugs
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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TabulaRasa81 - yes I wouldnt ask him directly I have come close though as I feel it is pretty much in my face and hard to ignore his ways. However I have never been this this situation before and wouldnt really know the right way of going about it!
I dont think that he has ADHD
I dont know enough about the type of drugs that people snort I wouldn't have a clue if it is coke ,amphetimine or other but I know he is taking some type of stimulant... in conjunction with his heavy cannibis use.
Im gutted.
I dont think that he has ADHD
I dont know enough about the type of drugs that people snort I wouldn't have a clue if it is coke ,amphetimine or other but I know he is taking some type of stimulant... in conjunction with his heavy cannibis use.
Im gutted.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Do you live together?
Do you have your own source of income?
If you are not going to leave right now for the sake of your child, then do consider having a bag packed and ready and a place in mind where you can go if things get out of hand.
He does sound controlling and unstable -- and those things can only get worse with continued drug use.
You deserve way better than this -- and I think you know this.
That's why you're here.
It took me a while to realize I deserve better than my situation too, but on Friday I made my husband move out.
We do not deserve to live in fear, worry, confusion, or any dangerous situation that we don't like.
Mature, healthy relationships make us feel good -- not bad and scared and uncomfortable.
Be careful.
Do you have your own source of income?
If you are not going to leave right now for the sake of your child, then do consider having a bag packed and ready and a place in mind where you can go if things get out of hand.
He does sound controlling and unstable -- and those things can only get worse with continued drug use.
You deserve way better than this -- and I think you know this.
That's why you're here.
It took me a while to realize I deserve better than my situation too, but on Friday I made my husband move out.
We do not deserve to live in fear, worry, confusion, or any dangerous situation that we don't like.
Mature, healthy relationships make us feel good -- not bad and scared and uncomfortable.
Be careful.
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Originally Posted by alittlescared 
Hello All,
I will make this short and sweet and thank you very much in advance.
Background
I am a young single parent - who works hard and my new partner is a older sucessful business man in his 40s works hard physically - in fact a millionaire. I do not smoke and rarely drink.
However I have started to notice some signs of suspected drug use:
First date kept disappearing in and out of the room about 8 times.
Dry Sniffing.
He is in bed by 12pm everyweek day so he says - this a good thing.
Runny nose - couple of occasions.
Hyper behaviour 90% of the time (I have only seen him not hyper twice).
No sex when not hyper - in fact he has pushed me away.
He smokes a LOT of cannibis maybe 8-10 spliffs a day average- this is not an issue but it is an awful lot.
Bit paranoid caught him trying to go through my phone, keeps asking people in my area if they know me etc- I am a very private person so this is not great.
I will make this short and sweet and thank you very much in advance.
Background
I am a young single parent - who works hard and my new partner is a older sucessful business man in his 40s works hard physically - in fact a millionaire. I do not smoke and rarely drink.
However I have started to notice some signs of suspected drug use:
First date kept disappearing in and out of the room about 8 times.
Dry Sniffing.
He is in bed by 12pm everyweek day so he says - this a good thing.
Runny nose - couple of occasions.
Hyper behaviour 90% of the time (I have only seen him not hyper twice).
No sex when not hyper - in fact he has pushed me away.
He smokes a LOT of cannibis maybe 8-10 spliffs a day average- this is not an issue but it is an awful lot.
Bit paranoid caught him trying to go through my phone, keeps asking people in my area if they know me etc- I am a very private person so this is not great.
ZoSo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 12
Hello Shinebright7,
No we do not live together this is/was a new relationship (2 months in). Although he is a wealthy man I have my own income and he does not give me any money.
Yes there are warning signs and im glad it is not just me over thinking things
No we do not live together this is/was a new relationship (2 months in). Although he is a wealthy man I have my own income and he does not give me any money.
Yes there are warning signs and im glad it is not just me over thinking things
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Posts: 1,405
Drug use is not the problem I would be concerned with.
All the "creepy" stuff is what I would very very concerned about. Sounds like he is looking into how many others would notice if you go missing. It's like you're being groomed.
Have you seen his home, is it in his name? Have you gone onto your state or county court website to see if there is other stalker like behaviors in his past?
All the "creepy" stuff is what I would very very concerned about. Sounds like he is looking into how many others would notice if you go missing. It's like you're being groomed.
Have you seen his home, is it in his name? Have you gone onto your state or county court website to see if there is other stalker like behaviors in his past?
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Location: Norfolk, VA
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No we do not live together this is/was a new relationship (2 months in).
Two months?
I understand why spouses, and long-term SOs agonize over staying or going. There is an investment of time and emotion they don't want to lose. And love. I am not saying you don't love this person, but the purpose of the early, initial stages of a relationship is to determine compatability. It's also to identify things that don't foster the growth of trust and love. I don't see those things in your post about your boyfriend.
Move on.
Two months?
I understand why spouses, and long-term SOs agonize over staying or going. There is an investment of time and emotion they don't want to lose. And love. I am not saying you don't love this person, but the purpose of the early, initial stages of a relationship is to determine compatability. It's also to identify things that don't foster the growth of trust and love. I don't see those things in your post about your boyfriend.
Move on.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 12
Hello Cynicalone - I have seen his home and I have checked that he is registered to the house.
He is certainly fixated with who I know in the area (I have only been there for a few years) as a result I have not disclosed any names/information and only talked about a couple close female friends
Hello Doggonecar!- I agree x
He is certainly fixated with who I know in the area (I have only been there for a few years) as a result I have not disclosed any names/information and only talked about a couple close female friends
Hello Doggonecar!- I agree x
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
OMG, please trust your instincts - God gave them to you for a reason and humanity's biggest downfall is our refusal to listen to them IMHO. You have a child - would you want your child to date someone that acted the way this person does? If not, why would you then date them yourself?
A drug is a drug is a drug. That much of anything is never a good thing. I know, some are worse than others in terms of how fast/hard they take a person down, but knowing what I know now, I would never engage in a new relationship with anyone that used any form of drug, legal or not to deal with day to day life.
The phone snooping is a MAJOR RED FLAG and a scary one at that.
Good luck and stay safe!
A drug is a drug is a drug. That much of anything is never a good thing. I know, some are worse than others in terms of how fast/hard they take a person down, but knowing what I know now, I would never engage in a new relationship with anyone that used any form of drug, legal or not to deal with day to day life.
The phone snooping is a MAJOR RED FLAG and a scary one at that.
Good luck and stay safe!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
Forgot to add, that the phone snooping thing has the potential to quickly turn in to something very dark and disturbing, so please take that very seriously. Here is just a tidbit from an article on a psychology website with a quiz about whether or not you are dating "a loser" aka control freak:
Paranoid Control: “The Loser” will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are asked where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make “private” calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you cannot talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is planned on Friday night, “The Loser” will inform you that they will call you that night — sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows “The Loser” to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar. [/I]
Paranoid Control: “The Loser” will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are asked where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make “private” calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you cannot talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is planned on Friday night, “The Loser” will inform you that they will call you that night — sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows “The Loser” to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar. [/I]
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I am most concerned about him snooping through your phone and quizzing you about who you know. That kind of jealous behavior is a red flag. He sounds like he doesn't trust you--which makes me thinks that he isn't somebody you can trust. It's a warning flag of a controlling person. My mom had a lot of abusive boyfriends/husbands. I think one of the earliest warning signs was extreme jealousy.
I would also be concerned about the heavy pot use.
Really, do you want to be with someone who disappears 8 times during a first date? He doesn't sound very attentive to your needs.
I would also be concerned about the heavy pot use.
Really, do you want to be with someone who disappears 8 times during a first date? He doesn't sound very attentive to your needs.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Originally Posted by alittlescared
Hello Hanna- I checke this out because I felt I needed to confirm he was who he says he was since he was asking for so mch information about me x
The guy I recently started dating told me that he googled me. That was okay with me, it's something I might do as well. Even asking around about me wouldn't bother me at all.
But what this guy did with you sounds different to me. It's more about his tone, I guess and the comment about making sure you haven't "been around the block". Maybe he's had some bad experience that makes him unwilling to trust women. If so, he's not going to make a good partner.
I'm a firm believer in trusting your instincts and it sounds like your instincts are saying the same thing to you.
Wondering what you would find if you did some real investigation of him, but I think it's just best to distance yourself and not make a big deal out of it. People like him make me very uncomfortable.
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He could be snorting heroin. Not sure if you know or not (many don't) that heroin is not always used with a needle. Also, it acts as almost a stimulate with some people & they constantly "sniff".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 12
Thank you very much for all your comments.
My gut feelings and your comments were spot on.
The last time I saw him a credit card and a rolled up twenty pound note dropped out his jeans pocket! The answer to my question!
Another sign I forgot to mention is all the chocolate he was consuming. eg he would buy a pack on chocolate and the next day it would all be gone- after research I now know this is also a sign.
Heho.
My gut feelings and your comments were spot on.
The last time I saw him a credit card and a rolled up twenty pound note dropped out his jeans pocket! The answer to my question!
Another sign I forgot to mention is all the chocolate he was consuming. eg he would buy a pack on chocolate and the next day it would all be gone- after research I now know this is also a sign.
Heho.
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Definitely trust yourself and what you feel. Everything you mentioned(sans the phone snooping as far as I know but I do not know everything)I experienced, too. Turned out my AAXBF was in to weed, cocaine and alcohol(maybe other things, too)for certain and mixing them all together. I was not familiar enough with the whole scene of drugs or behaviors of drug users and our relationship continued on longer due to my lack of awareness and familiarity with all of it. I thought he drank too much, told him so, he cut back on the partying a bit BUT not really--it was still occuring just not in my face so I would think he was "changing" and focused on family/home/business. This was in the early months--about where you are now--I knew I did not want to be involved with someone who had any issues and he was aware of how I felt, too. All that happened was he hid it from me better and longer than you can imagine.
Mine also was a business owner, throwing cash around with his "friends" for nights out together that went on forever(big red flags all over this sentence)but in reality he's way overspending and does not have the cash or the credit to be doing what he was doing and is near bankruptcy unless he changes. He is also in his 40's, during the time I was with him he did show up for the things necessary to make him look good, appear normal, be Mr. Successful to the outside world, has two children and looked like an amazing father(in the beginning--fast forward to the end and NO, NO, NO). He keeps all friends and aquaintences/relationships very, very separate. I should have red flagged this, too. He covered all the bases as far as moods or ups/downs and disappearing after a disagreement then coming back to apologize or to "talk it out". Yes, I ignored my gut instincts many, many times because I believed him. I believed he did not have a problem and he told me I was making problems where there were none. WRONG. All this did was give him more time with me, more room to manuever because we would compromise on things making me think we made progress but I was sacrificing myself. He never stuck to what we agreed upon for the long haul. Couple weeks or a month would be ok but then BAMMM there would be a change in his mood or something would happen to cause an argument and he would just disappear--mad of course or saying anything under the sun he came up with to justify time apart.
We have separate homes, separate careers, nothing "together". He has two children from a previous marriage and I was with them all the time, taking care of them with him, falling in love with he and the children and we were planning a future together. I was with his family all the time and establishing a bond with them as well. It seemed and looked normal. WRONG. And that nagging gut of mine would not stop.
I finally walked in on he and his buddy snorting lines off the kitchen counter we had just installed in the house we were renovating together and he currently lives in. There was my answer right in front of me. All my questions answered at once. He was drunk, he had been smoking weed and the night was not over yet for them because they had the coke going, too.
I was told it was a one time deal. WRONG. Next sentence he screwed up and told me it was "left over" from about a month before. OH OK--I didn't know about the month before either. So much denial and inconsistencies coming from his mouth I can not even tell you. Bottom line--he told me to leave the house and I did. There is much more but too long already.
If you are seeing things--believe them. If you want to be healthy, happy and have a life free of anguish/pain/uncertainty--find a healthy partner and trust what you know. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Great things can happen and will happen if you are free to embrace them.
I've had to rethink the whole weed thing, too...still thinking on it but I can tell you this...in my situation where there was weed--there was more. And anyone who came around routinely is in to it and more, too. It would seem nothing ever "stops" when they tell you it has. Somehow they have just modified it so you are not aware of it. But it will come to surface eventually. And no one and nothing is important enough to make them stop unless they want to. Not in my situation anyway. My ex is so far on the denial train he may never stop. Maybe when his business fails or maybe when he has a stroke or maybe....too many maybe's to count.
Had I known what was going on the day I met him I would have never, ever continued to see him. Ever. But I didn't know so now I am here. My world, as I knew it, just blew up. I am taking the steps one by one and putting a new life together for myself now.
All of this to tell you---just RUN. Someone out there will not make you feel this way. And if you think you do not feel right--you do not. If you stay it gets worse. But only you can make the final decision and it is totally up to you. We are all here for a reason and we do understand. I understand!
The lies upon lies from my ex I am aware of now. I wasn't then. So--be aware and be vigilent. Most of all...be happy. Truly happy.
Mine also was a business owner, throwing cash around with his "friends" for nights out together that went on forever(big red flags all over this sentence)but in reality he's way overspending and does not have the cash or the credit to be doing what he was doing and is near bankruptcy unless he changes. He is also in his 40's, during the time I was with him he did show up for the things necessary to make him look good, appear normal, be Mr. Successful to the outside world, has two children and looked like an amazing father(in the beginning--fast forward to the end and NO, NO, NO). He keeps all friends and aquaintences/relationships very, very separate. I should have red flagged this, too. He covered all the bases as far as moods or ups/downs and disappearing after a disagreement then coming back to apologize or to "talk it out". Yes, I ignored my gut instincts many, many times because I believed him. I believed he did not have a problem and he told me I was making problems where there were none. WRONG. All this did was give him more time with me, more room to manuever because we would compromise on things making me think we made progress but I was sacrificing myself. He never stuck to what we agreed upon for the long haul. Couple weeks or a month would be ok but then BAMMM there would be a change in his mood or something would happen to cause an argument and he would just disappear--mad of course or saying anything under the sun he came up with to justify time apart.
We have separate homes, separate careers, nothing "together". He has two children from a previous marriage and I was with them all the time, taking care of them with him, falling in love with he and the children and we were planning a future together. I was with his family all the time and establishing a bond with them as well. It seemed and looked normal. WRONG. And that nagging gut of mine would not stop.
I finally walked in on he and his buddy snorting lines off the kitchen counter we had just installed in the house we were renovating together and he currently lives in. There was my answer right in front of me. All my questions answered at once. He was drunk, he had been smoking weed and the night was not over yet for them because they had the coke going, too.
I was told it was a one time deal. WRONG. Next sentence he screwed up and told me it was "left over" from about a month before. OH OK--I didn't know about the month before either. So much denial and inconsistencies coming from his mouth I can not even tell you. Bottom line--he told me to leave the house and I did. There is much more but too long already.
If you are seeing things--believe them. If you want to be healthy, happy and have a life free of anguish/pain/uncertainty--find a healthy partner and trust what you know. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Great things can happen and will happen if you are free to embrace them.
I've had to rethink the whole weed thing, too...still thinking on it but I can tell you this...in my situation where there was weed--there was more. And anyone who came around routinely is in to it and more, too. It would seem nothing ever "stops" when they tell you it has. Somehow they have just modified it so you are not aware of it. But it will come to surface eventually. And no one and nothing is important enough to make them stop unless they want to. Not in my situation anyway. My ex is so far on the denial train he may never stop. Maybe when his business fails or maybe when he has a stroke or maybe....too many maybe's to count.
Had I known what was going on the day I met him I would have never, ever continued to see him. Ever. But I didn't know so now I am here. My world, as I knew it, just blew up. I am taking the steps one by one and putting a new life together for myself now.
All of this to tell you---just RUN. Someone out there will not make you feel this way. And if you think you do not feel right--you do not. If you stay it gets worse. But only you can make the final decision and it is totally up to you. We are all here for a reason and we do understand. I understand!
The lies upon lies from my ex I am aware of now. I wasn't then. So--be aware and be vigilent. Most of all...be happy. Truly happy.
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