Am I in the wrong here?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13
Am I in the wrong here?
This was kind of hard to type out because it's going to come across as being really defensive, but here goes nothing.
One of the issues my AH seems to struggle with is that I take controlled medication on a daily basis. I am a narcoleptic and have to take this medication to function. And unfortunately, all medication that is used to treat narcolepsy are controlled substances and potentially habit forming. I was diagnosed at 21 and am now 25, and I knew when I began to take dextroamphetamine (recently switched to Adderall due to greater availability) what the risks were. I also take Xyrem, a medication that forces me into deep sleep, which narcoleptics apparently can't reach on their own very well.
In the first year of my AH's recovery, before his relapse, he would once in awhile hint that he was bothered by the fact that I am likely going to have to take stimulants, in one form or another, for the rest of my life. And once in that time he mentioned the possibility that *I* might have a problem. He did not give any reason for thinking so other than the fact that I took the medication regularly. You know, like I'm supposed to if I safely want to do anything like drive or work (I'm a nurse).
I just said that seeing as how I never, ever take anymore than what I am prescribed (20 mg TID- and very often take it only once or twice), and that I don't get any kind of "high" off of the medication, I did not believe I had any kind of a problem. He agreed that this made sense and let it go.
It's come up much more frequently since his relapse. At first it remained just a, "I'm concerned and wonder if..." sort of thing. He said he didn't want to burden me with his issues though and would bring it up at an NA meeting to see if anyone else had experience living with a spouse that took controlled substances to treat a disease.
Soon after that, he began to seem angry about it. I tried to ignore it, figuring it was his problem and not mine, and that he would work it out in his meetings and with his sponsor. Last night, in a big fight, after his epic declaration that, "I may as well just hit the streets, so I can be as high as you are!" it came out that he's been told by the members of his NA group that I *am* an addict and certainly have a problem and need help. I was pretty taken aback by this to say the least. How can they say that when they've never met me and know nothing about me other than what he tells them?
That's a big thing there though- what he tells them. I can only imagine, but I know what he tells *me.* --'' He cites the fact that I get very focused on whatever project I might be working on or article/book I might be reading as evidence that I'm "high" (I was this way before the medication, although he wouldn't know that). He cites the fact that I have a lot of energy as evidence that I'm "high." I think he just doesn't remember what it's like to have energy, as the drugs had completely drained him of any by the time he decided to quit. Even when he was using he didn't have much.
He claims I don't sleep, which really true at all. My sleep schedule has been a mess the past few weeks, because I work nights and lately there's been a lot of things that needed done. I of course can't hand him my credit card and a list and ask him to buy this or that, because he can't be trusted with any money. So if anything has to get done that requires payment (most things), I have to go do it. Before I started working nights I had a very regular sleep schedule- at least 7-8 hours every night.
I can almost hear the conversation that must have taken place between some of his group members, where he's describing me as this cracked out individual. And I guess I also can't expect them to know or understand anything about narcolepsy- most people just know it as that hilarious disease in movies that makes people fall over asleep randomly. :\ It's not hilarious though, it's debilitating, and there is no cure. I would not take this medication if I did not have to.
During the fight, when I said to him, "I can come off the medication, sure. All of the "withdrawal" I would have is just being really tired and hungry. But you can't even call the frequent sleepiness "withdrawal" because of the narcolepsy. There's no 'recovery' for me like there is for you." To which he shot back, "That's just denial of your problem!"
I'm not really asking, "Should I stop taking my medication or not?" or "Am I really an addict?" I *really* don't think that simply taking controlled medication makes anyone an addict, and don't intend to impair my quality of life for the sake of his comfort- I've sacrificed enough for him. I guess most addicts don't see anything wrong with their behavior for a long time, and may have absolutely no indication that anything is wrong for a long time, but I just... Can't see it in myself. As defensive as this is probably coming across, I'm just still kind of in shock from the accusation. He apologized later for being such a jerk. I did ask, "Do you really think that I have a problem though?" and he said, "I don't know." Grrr....
Maybe he's just ashamed of his disease and the terrible things he's done and is looking for the same problem in me in order to make himself feel better? I would hate to feel like I'm discounting or minimizing his feelings, but I don't want to humor him either by continuing to fight about this in the future and feel like I should just refuse to discuss it at all. Anyone else out there live with a recovering addict that has to take controlled medication? Is it an issue at all (other than obviously having to hide it)?
One of the issues my AH seems to struggle with is that I take controlled medication on a daily basis. I am a narcoleptic and have to take this medication to function. And unfortunately, all medication that is used to treat narcolepsy are controlled substances and potentially habit forming. I was diagnosed at 21 and am now 25, and I knew when I began to take dextroamphetamine (recently switched to Adderall due to greater availability) what the risks were. I also take Xyrem, a medication that forces me into deep sleep, which narcoleptics apparently can't reach on their own very well.
In the first year of my AH's recovery, before his relapse, he would once in awhile hint that he was bothered by the fact that I am likely going to have to take stimulants, in one form or another, for the rest of my life. And once in that time he mentioned the possibility that *I* might have a problem. He did not give any reason for thinking so other than the fact that I took the medication regularly. You know, like I'm supposed to if I safely want to do anything like drive or work (I'm a nurse).
I just said that seeing as how I never, ever take anymore than what I am prescribed (20 mg TID- and very often take it only once or twice), and that I don't get any kind of "high" off of the medication, I did not believe I had any kind of a problem. He agreed that this made sense and let it go.
It's come up much more frequently since his relapse. At first it remained just a, "I'm concerned and wonder if..." sort of thing. He said he didn't want to burden me with his issues though and would bring it up at an NA meeting to see if anyone else had experience living with a spouse that took controlled substances to treat a disease.
Soon after that, he began to seem angry about it. I tried to ignore it, figuring it was his problem and not mine, and that he would work it out in his meetings and with his sponsor. Last night, in a big fight, after his epic declaration that, "I may as well just hit the streets, so I can be as high as you are!" it came out that he's been told by the members of his NA group that I *am* an addict and certainly have a problem and need help. I was pretty taken aback by this to say the least. How can they say that when they've never met me and know nothing about me other than what he tells them?
That's a big thing there though- what he tells them. I can only imagine, but I know what he tells *me.* --'' He cites the fact that I get very focused on whatever project I might be working on or article/book I might be reading as evidence that I'm "high" (I was this way before the medication, although he wouldn't know that). He cites the fact that I have a lot of energy as evidence that I'm "high." I think he just doesn't remember what it's like to have energy, as the drugs had completely drained him of any by the time he decided to quit. Even when he was using he didn't have much.
He claims I don't sleep, which really true at all. My sleep schedule has been a mess the past few weeks, because I work nights and lately there's been a lot of things that needed done. I of course can't hand him my credit card and a list and ask him to buy this or that, because he can't be trusted with any money. So if anything has to get done that requires payment (most things), I have to go do it. Before I started working nights I had a very regular sleep schedule- at least 7-8 hours every night.
I can almost hear the conversation that must have taken place between some of his group members, where he's describing me as this cracked out individual. And I guess I also can't expect them to know or understand anything about narcolepsy- most people just know it as that hilarious disease in movies that makes people fall over asleep randomly. :\ It's not hilarious though, it's debilitating, and there is no cure. I would not take this medication if I did not have to.
During the fight, when I said to him, "I can come off the medication, sure. All of the "withdrawal" I would have is just being really tired and hungry. But you can't even call the frequent sleepiness "withdrawal" because of the narcolepsy. There's no 'recovery' for me like there is for you." To which he shot back, "That's just denial of your problem!"
I'm not really asking, "Should I stop taking my medication or not?" or "Am I really an addict?" I *really* don't think that simply taking controlled medication makes anyone an addict, and don't intend to impair my quality of life for the sake of his comfort- I've sacrificed enough for him. I guess most addicts don't see anything wrong with their behavior for a long time, and may have absolutely no indication that anything is wrong for a long time, but I just... Can't see it in myself. As defensive as this is probably coming across, I'm just still kind of in shock from the accusation. He apologized later for being such a jerk. I did ask, "Do you really think that I have a problem though?" and he said, "I don't know." Grrr....
Maybe he's just ashamed of his disease and the terrible things he's done and is looking for the same problem in me in order to make himself feel better? I would hate to feel like I'm discounting or minimizing his feelings, but I don't want to humor him either by continuing to fight about this in the future and feel like I should just refuse to discuss it at all. Anyone else out there live with a recovering addict that has to take controlled medication? Is it an issue at all (other than obviously having to hide it)?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
What an insensitive self absorbed jerk! Narcolepsy is a potential dangerous and debilitating neurological disorder and you don't have a choice about it! how dare he try to compare? or give you any BS? i personally would say that is just not up for conversation, period. and he's needs to find something else to fuss over.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
I have a friend with narcolepsy, I know what happens when you don't take your medications. It's not pleasant at all. When my sister started questioning me about my use o.f controlled medication as prescribed I knew there was something wrong with her. An important part of the program is to work on keeping my side of the street clean, not someone else's. This is a red flag, I don't know how much recovery time he has. Hopefully he will soon learn this. Just like AlAnon my NA program is about me, not anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
What shockozulu said..........Plus, hopefully in time he may learn the difference (the new dsm be danged) between an addict needing recovery and a person who's body is dependent on a prescribed medication taken as prescribed..........
(o:
NoelleR
(o:
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Addicts can definitely try to make *us* out to be the crazy ones.
When I told my husband he had to leave Friday night and not live here anymore, he said he was starting to wonder if I was bipolar because of how I seem to fine with things one moment and then the next moment I want him out of the house.
Well, that's what happens when I stop living in denial...
I change my course of action and get real!
I didn't take it personally.
You don't sound like an addict to me.
I can imagine how from his perspective, he sees controlled substances + daily use and makes it into a *thing* because it's a thing for him.
We see through our filters ya know?
Are you going to Al Anon meetings? (They're for the loved ones of alcoholics and addicts) I get A LOT of helpful support from them. Hope you can see if there's a meeting near you and check it out. xo
When I told my husband he had to leave Friday night and not live here anymore, he said he was starting to wonder if I was bipolar because of how I seem to fine with things one moment and then the next moment I want him out of the house.
Well, that's what happens when I stop living in denial...
I change my course of action and get real!
I didn't take it personally.
You don't sound like an addict to me.
I can imagine how from his perspective, he sees controlled substances + daily use and makes it into a *thing* because it's a thing for him.
We see through our filters ya know?
Are you going to Al Anon meetings? (They're for the loved ones of alcoholics and addicts) I get A LOT of helpful support from them. Hope you can see if there's a meeting near you and check it out. xo
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Taking medication as prescribed under doctor's supervision is the intelligent and wise thing to do when facing something like narcolepsy.
His debating this with you is not only disrespectful and annoying, it's downright dangerous because if you listened to him you would become very very sick.
Nope, he doesn't get to make the call on your health, your doctor does that.
Hugs
His debating this with you is not only disrespectful and annoying, it's downright dangerous because if you listened to him you would become very very sick.
Nope, he doesn't get to make the call on your health, your doctor does that.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
don't intend to impair my quality of life for the sake of his comfort- I've sacrificed enough for him.
I did ask, "Do you really think that I have a problem though?" and he said, "I don't know." Grrr....
He needs to be completely focused on what he is doing, not what you are doing.
I am willing to bet that if anyone entertained this discussion at all, and then said to him,
"yeah, she is addicted to her life saving medication! you better tell her she's an addict!" they are just as messed up as he is!!!!!
He was not talking to anyone with any quality recovery time because they would have called him on his BS. I think this conversation happened in his head.
To which he shot back, "That's just denial of your problem!"
My ex husband started this silly nonsense with me about my Prozac.
I was taking it for a major depressive disorder. I told him it did not compare to his crack addiction.
He reasoning was that because I took it daily, I was addicted to it, therefore I was addicted to a drug.
Deflection is part of the addicts game, their modus operadii.
lifesaving medication vs life sucking poison.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13
Wow, thank you everyone for all of the support. I really needed it. In my head I knew that what he was saying was ridiculous, but it helps to see other people agree.
It's completely right that he needs to focus on his own recovery and not focus in on problems he imagines up for me. Now that I've been thinking about it, I don't really see why me and my medication needed to come up in his meetings at all. I'm certainly not going to tell him not to bring it up, as it's none of my business what he talks about there. But it also makes sense that anyone with quality clean time wouldn't fan the flame of this delusion and would tell him that what I do has nothing to do with his recovery.
I really think his problem stems from this kind of thinking: "It isn't fair that you get to take a substance that makes you energetic and productive and I don't." He's never said that directly, but that's what I feel like I'm hearing sometimes. Because that's what the opiates did for him. What he seems to be missing is that his body has the potential to work properly all by itself, and that's far better.
I'm definitely planning on starting to attend Al Anon meetings soon- and I'm also doing a lot of reading on co-dependency. But it's so uplifting and empowering to hear what you all have to say. Thanks again.
It's completely right that he needs to focus on his own recovery and not focus in on problems he imagines up for me. Now that I've been thinking about it, I don't really see why me and my medication needed to come up in his meetings at all. I'm certainly not going to tell him not to bring it up, as it's none of my business what he talks about there. But it also makes sense that anyone with quality clean time wouldn't fan the flame of this delusion and would tell him that what I do has nothing to do with his recovery.
I really think his problem stems from this kind of thinking: "It isn't fair that you get to take a substance that makes you energetic and productive and I don't." He's never said that directly, but that's what I feel like I'm hearing sometimes. Because that's what the opiates did for him. What he seems to be missing is that his body has the potential to work properly all by itself, and that's far better.
I'm definitely planning on starting to attend Al Anon meetings soon- and I'm also doing a lot of reading on co-dependency. But it's so uplifting and empowering to hear what you all have to say. Thanks again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13
Thought I would just add in an update. He apologized again today and told me that he knows he was acting crazy. "It seems like every three weeks or so I get these fits, where I'm angry for no reason and I need to find something to be angry about." This has been true, actually. Mood swings/lability are expected with recovery, I know (he has something like 50-ish days right now), but every few weeks he really just gets *angry* for about a day and he never knows how to work through it other than try and talk it out with his sponsor or attend a meeting. I told him exactly what I've heard on here, that he needs to focus on his own recovery and not me. He says he understands this and feels really badly about how he acted. He actually managed to really open up a lot about the pent up anger he harbors, mainly toward his parents, anger he usually will not acknowledge because he feels guilty about it. "I'm 30 years old, why should anything they did still affect me?" His upbringing was pretty neglectful, a fact that was verified by his sister.
I mainly just listened, because I don't want to try and be a therapist like I used to... Interpreting his feelings for him, telling him how he should deal with his anger, etc. I can listen though- that's one of my personality flaws, I'm not always the best listener, and that's something I need to work on. His rage fits probably come from all of this pent up anger though. I can only pray that he finds peace with it somehow. But I also know that I cannot let it be an excuse for him to behave that way and that I don't have to tolerate it in the future. It's difficult to assert myself, but I'm learning.
I'm looking forward to the process of regaining my identity and recovering from the self-destructive habits I've picked up over time. My life will be so much more fulfilling if I can do this.
While I know that I have to be committed to this whether my husband gets better or not, I thought I might share this poem, since it seems like it would resonate strongly with any codependent person in a relationship. It's an ideal that we all deserve. Kahlil Gibran is my favorite philosopher and I always find comfort in reading The Prophet.
On Marriage:
Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?
And he answered, saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent
memory of God.
But let there be space in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance
between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of
love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the
shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one
cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not
from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but
let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though
they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's
keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your
hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart.
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in
each other's shadow.
I mainly just listened, because I don't want to try and be a therapist like I used to... Interpreting his feelings for him, telling him how he should deal with his anger, etc. I can listen though- that's one of my personality flaws, I'm not always the best listener, and that's something I need to work on. His rage fits probably come from all of this pent up anger though. I can only pray that he finds peace with it somehow. But I also know that I cannot let it be an excuse for him to behave that way and that I don't have to tolerate it in the future. It's difficult to assert myself, but I'm learning.
I'm looking forward to the process of regaining my identity and recovering from the self-destructive habits I've picked up over time. My life will be so much more fulfilling if I can do this.
While I know that I have to be committed to this whether my husband gets better or not, I thought I might share this poem, since it seems like it would resonate strongly with any codependent person in a relationship. It's an ideal that we all deserve. Kahlil Gibran is my favorite philosopher and I always find comfort in reading The Prophet.
On Marriage:
Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?
And he answered, saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent
memory of God.
But let there be space in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance
between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of
love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the
shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one
cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not
from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but
let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though
they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's
keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your
hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart.
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in
each other's shadow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
His technique is called Deflection....
ie: if I have a problem....and I can take something in your life and make you believe YOU have a problem....then I am not so bad and that makes us equal.
It's part of his disease of addiction and it shows that he still has recovery work to do.
My mom was diagnosed with narcolepsy about 5 years ago and was prescribed Ritalin.
She was a retired nurse. The medication was always taken as prescribed and never abused.
She passed away on Valentines Day, 6 days shy of her 72nd birthday due to complications from pneumonia (sepsis).
Looking back....the past 5 years of her life were some of the very best for her.
You were prescribed a medication for a legitimate health concern.
You take the medication as prescribed.
You are doing nothing wrong. Stand firm on that.
And if he doesn't want to stop with the crazy making...maybe he needs to go somewhere else while he works on his recovery.
ie: if I have a problem....and I can take something in your life and make you believe YOU have a problem....then I am not so bad and that makes us equal.
It's part of his disease of addiction and it shows that he still has recovery work to do.
My mom was diagnosed with narcolepsy about 5 years ago and was prescribed Ritalin.
She was a retired nurse. The medication was always taken as prescribed and never abused.
She passed away on Valentines Day, 6 days shy of her 72nd birthday due to complications from pneumonia (sepsis).
Looking back....the past 5 years of her life were some of the very best for her.
You were prescribed a medication for a legitimate health concern.
You take the medication as prescribed.
You are doing nothing wrong. Stand firm on that.
And if he doesn't want to stop with the crazy making...maybe he needs to go somewhere else while he works on his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 127
Your AH is being an absolute insensitive dangerous idiot. Im a Registered Nurse & my husband is a Cardiologist & we'v just read your post in amazement. You need to take your meds because you have a condition that requires them. We can all see what he is doing trying to project blame and minimise his own problem by making out you have one. Pay absolutely no attention to anything he tells you anyone at NA says, Goodness knows what he says to them, probably a complete load of bo**ocks similar to what he is spouting to you. Again to entice sympathy from them that his wife also has a problem. Next time he says anything ask him when he suddently got his medical degree and years of experience like the DR you see? What you seriously NEED to ask your self is do you want a future with a man who would deliberately place you in life threatening danger to justify his own means.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Great that he acknowledges he is wrong and acting crazy and that he recognizes the cause. Now he needs to grasp that his bad feelings don't make it okay for him to attack you.
I know people that teach their children to understand that being hungry/tired makes them grouchy, but also that it is not an excuse for poor behavior.
I know people that teach their children to understand that being hungry/tired makes them grouchy, but also that it is not an excuse for poor behavior.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 111
I'm so sorry he does this to you. That is rage-inducing.
It definitely sounds like he's jealous of your healthy relationship to drugs vs his unhealthy relationship with drugs.
Once he gets sober for awhile the delusion will subside. Good luck.
It definitely sounds like he's jealous of your healthy relationship to drugs vs his unhealthy relationship with drugs.
Once he gets sober for awhile the delusion will subside. Good luck.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I too am a registered nurse and also a 'recovered' alcoholic/addict (recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body and on going recovery in the spiritual path I walk).
Instead of "Your AH is being an absolute insensitive dangerous idiot," I suspect that what is happening is this:
As the fog leaves the brain and the mush also starts to disappear, he is getting more and more glimpses of all that he did and to whom he did it. This causes horrendous shame and anger (actually toward ones self) and not knowing yet how to deal with this (we used to numb ourselves) many of us do and will (I sure did) lash out.
However, as I/we work a program of recovery be it the 12 Step format or another, we start to come to 'grips' with the wreckage of our past and slowly work through it, eventually making amends in one way or another.
Since he seems to be attending meetings? then this is one of the many things he will be and probably needs to discuss with his sponsor. Not getting a consensus of opinion but just one on one with his sponsor.
I am glad to read that you will be attending Alanon for you!
Love and hugs,
Instead of "Your AH is being an absolute insensitive dangerous idiot," I suspect that what is happening is this:
As the fog leaves the brain and the mush also starts to disappear, he is getting more and more glimpses of all that he did and to whom he did it. This causes horrendous shame and anger (actually toward ones self) and not knowing yet how to deal with this (we used to numb ourselves) many of us do and will (I sure did) lash out.
However, as I/we work a program of recovery be it the 12 Step format or another, we start to come to 'grips' with the wreckage of our past and slowly work through it, eventually making amends in one way or another.
Since he seems to be attending meetings? then this is one of the many things he will be and probably needs to discuss with his sponsor. Not getting a consensus of opinion but just one on one with his sponsor.
I am glad to read that you will be attending Alanon for you!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 127
For Clarity in relation to Lauries post: I am by no means diminishing the fact that he is in the grips of a disease himself, needs help & when he gets some clarity & lateral thinking he will probably feel rotten. However he is being 'insensitive' in the fact that he is clearly making u feel, confused & worked up as evidenced by your anxiety over the issue. And being 'dangerous & an idiot' in that if you were less of an assertive person or a little bit dimwitted (which clearly ur not!) u may have actually listened to him, stopped taking them and have been in a serious accident or dead bhind the wheel of a car. Not for 1 minute does 1 diminish his problem, recovery etc but he has to see the bigger picture & it does not negate responsibility in life. For example: If get drunk or high tomorrow drive & kill someone (accidently), drunkeness or being high is not an adequate excuse & im going to prison! I chose to drink, I chose to drive. The court arnt going to say "oh there there dear, ur in recovery, the fog will clear and ul realise uv done wrong"!!! I am an addict, but I am resonsible for my life choices. As is your husband. He can use his addiction as an excuse to bad mouth u at NA meetings (hopefully he will shift his focus to his own recovery) or give u life threatening 'advice' but you absolutely dont have to accept it & ultimately problem or no problem people have to know when their actions are unacceptable or where is anyones accountability in life. Hope all works out Honey xx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Glad you have the good sense not to believe him.
Early recovery is a strange time for the addict and the loved ones. One of the steps in any 12 step program is Step Ten "continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." As early as he is recovery, I doubt that he has had the opportunity to study all 12 Steps and understand them but he reads them and discusses them in his meetings. He's got the beginning jist of it. ( It took me about 1-1/2 years to get through a thorough Step Study.)
With that being said, what he was accusing you of was ridiculous. That's pretty obvious. However, as early in recovery as he is, I have to give him some credit for recognizing he was wrong and admitting it.
Recovery is a process. It takes time. Lots of it.
gentle hugs
ke
Early recovery is a strange time for the addict and the loved ones. One of the steps in any 12 step program is Step Ten "continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." As early as he is recovery, I doubt that he has had the opportunity to study all 12 Steps and understand them but he reads them and discusses them in his meetings. He's got the beginning jist of it. ( It took me about 1-1/2 years to get through a thorough Step Study.)
With that being said, what he was accusing you of was ridiculous. That's pretty obvious. However, as early in recovery as he is, I have to give him some credit for recognizing he was wrong and admitting it.
Recovery is a process. It takes time. Lots of it.
gentle hugs
ke
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Your H is 50 some days sober, and I know of very few over these many years that at 50 some days were willing or even able to take responsibility for all their past actions.
It does come, with work on one's self and time. I give the A's in my life no 'leeway' to 'blame their addiction', however, I do understand that 'clarity' of the 'wreckage' and 'accepting one's own responsibilities for their actions' comes with time.
Every A is different, just like every human on this earth is 'different'. Each A's recovery although the same in many ways, occurs at a different length of time for the individual, thus I do not compare myself with another A in how far along I was/am in my recovery, and I do not compare myself with others in general.
Just because so and so had the fog lift and the mush start to abate by the time they were 90 days sober and clean, there are just as many, that like I was, start to see some of the fog lift and some of the mush abate by 6 months sober and clean.
And then there are those that because the addiction is so embedded and the cravings are so so strong, that they just have to relapse once or several times, each clean time in between picking up another tool or two to finally some day, actually find recovery and put their addiction in remission.
And then there are those that continue to relapse and just never seem to find the wherewithal to finally find recovery.
You see I am 'still' an A. I will always be an A. My addiction is in remission, because I choose to and continue to use my tools every day that keep it in remission, same as I am a diabetic, I will always be a diabetic and my diabetes is in remission, because I choose to and continue to use my tools (diet, exercise and medication) every day that keep it in remission.
Best to just stand back and watch the 'actions' of the A and get on with the business of working on ourselves and getting on with living.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
It does come, with work on one's self and time. I give the A's in my life no 'leeway' to 'blame their addiction', however, I do understand that 'clarity' of the 'wreckage' and 'accepting one's own responsibilities for their actions' comes with time.
Every A is different, just like every human on this earth is 'different'. Each A's recovery although the same in many ways, occurs at a different length of time for the individual, thus I do not compare myself with another A in how far along I was/am in my recovery, and I do not compare myself with others in general.
Just because so and so had the fog lift and the mush start to abate by the time they were 90 days sober and clean, there are just as many, that like I was, start to see some of the fog lift and some of the mush abate by 6 months sober and clean.
And then there are those that because the addiction is so embedded and the cravings are so so strong, that they just have to relapse once or several times, each clean time in between picking up another tool or two to finally some day, actually find recovery and put their addiction in remission.
And then there are those that continue to relapse and just never seem to find the wherewithal to finally find recovery.
You see I am 'still' an A. I will always be an A. My addiction is in remission, because I choose to and continue to use my tools every day that keep it in remission, same as I am a diabetic, I will always be a diabetic and my diabetes is in remission, because I choose to and continue to use my tools (diet, exercise and medication) every day that keep it in remission.
Best to just stand back and watch the 'actions' of the A and get on with the business of working on ourselves and getting on with living.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
It is great that he recognized the source of his behavior and acknowledged it to you.
I really appreciate anyone that can make that kind of admission. Plenty will never bother.
Now he just needs to figure out that this kind of behavior is not an acceptable response to bad feelings. Since he's sane right now, you might ask him respectfully "Have you thought about some other ways to deal with what you were feeling last week?" and "Do you have ideas about how can I best respond to you if this happens again?"
I really appreciate anyone that can make that kind of admission. Plenty will never bother.
Now he just needs to figure out that this kind of behavior is not an acceptable response to bad feelings. Since he's sane right now, you might ask him respectfully "Have you thought about some other ways to deal with what you were feeling last week?" and "Do you have ideas about how can I best respond to you if this happens again?"
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