Husban Wife not on the same page
 

I want to keep this short, my wife and I have a 18 year old girl who is a addict and we are not on the same page at all. I have been going to Al Anon for about 8 years now, my wife has been sober for 5 years now but will not go to Al Anon since this problem with our child started. I was able to get her to agree that our kid can no longer live in our house and that it should be no contact. But she has been contacting her and giving her money and paying for a motel room. I'm just not sure what to do here, sometimes I feel that its time for me to just get out and let my wife see how her plan works out, I no longer trust what my wife says and I feel like I'm back into the old rut when she was drinking. Just wanted to see if anyone else has gone through this. I do know about drug abuse as I was there and by the grace of God and parents that used tough love I got clean in 1987 and still go to meetings today, I'm very hurt by what is going on I feel that everytime my wife helps she is just keeping our kid out there longer. Thanks Jeff

This is my ESH. It doesn't matter to me what, if anything, you are abusing. I will no longer tolerate not being able to trust someone showing alcoholic/addiction behaviors. If this is how you are beginning to feel about your wife you might want to share that in Al-Anon as well if you haven't already

My husband and I were not on the same page with my son, either, but it wasn't such a conflict. I was the one who went to meetings and pretty much made decisions about what we would or would not accept...but in fact, I was the more codependent one and my decisions were not always good. I sometimes wish I had let my husband make the decisions because his would have been more straight forward..."If you use drugs in my home or steal from me, you must leave immediately" would have been his mantra and probably would have saved us all a lot of time, money and energy.

My point is that it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, if the conflict affects your marriage, you might want to look at that and work on mending the fences.

You can't change your daughter's addiction, only she can do that. You can't change your wife either, unless she is willing to work with you on something that works for both of you.

So keep going to your meetings, find your own balance amid the chaos, and then decide what is and is not acceptable in your life.

Hugs

My situation was like Ann's. I was the one calling the shots, I was the codependent one, and my husband stood back (he's my son's stepfather but he raised him and son calls him Dad). It probably wold have been better if my husband had stood firm but he says he knows our marriage would have suffered and that was what was ultimately most important to him. I don't know how he had patience. Eventually as he saw me growing stronger in my program he began to firm up some boundaries that helped me stay strong. He's a pretty amazing man.

This is just another example of how true the statement is that addiction is a family disease. Be patient with your wife and remember that it's ok to say what you mean, mean what you say...but don't say it mean.

gentle hugs
ke

I went through it with my Dad, who kept giving my brother money no matter what I said. My brother is clean today but I haven't really gotten over my anger at my Dad. Sometimes I wonder if he was trying to harm him.

I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I hope today that I would pray to my HP to figure out the right path. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Truly a family disease.