Just feeling 'blah'.....
 

So I had a really bad night on Friday, sobbing, yelling, etc. But the rest of my weekend was actually pretty good, save for Saturday night when I had no choice but to go near the bar because I had to go to a business right up the street, and there was really no way to completely avoid it. I was able to avoid going directly past it, but when I came out on a side street further up, I had to look towards the bar to check for traffic, and OF COURSE, there was his big ol' shiny beast of a pickup truck looking right at me....UGH!!!

And then yesterday was actually a good day, I took some time for myself and did some errands/shopping. But as I was driving around in the beautiful sunny weather, it hit me. The thought occurred to me that my life is indeed going on without him. And I know that's a good thing. But that thought is also exactly what made me sad and brought tears to my eyes....yes, my life is indeed going on, WITHOUT HIM. Sometimes it's just a hard thing to accept, as for the last almost year and a half, I had counted on him being a part of my life, my future. I had such high hopes for us making a happy life together, I felt so sure that God had brought us together again at this point in our lives for that specific reason....but I was obviously so wrong.

It seems that God brought us together again to teach me a very hard and painful lesson, because I didn't learn it with the last one. And I admit, I've 'got it' now, the lesson worked....I hope to NEVER make this mistake again in my life, falling head over heels for someone and giving them credit for being a decent person without making them PROVE it to me first. But it just makes me wonder....what is HIS lesson?? Why do I have to learn such a hard, painful and heart-wrenching lesson and he doesn't?? I don't know.....it sounds really awful of me to want him to hurt as much as he's hurt me, and I know it's not for me to think about. I know that whatever happens or doesn't happen in his life is not my business, and it's not for me to worry about whether or not he 'gets his.' But I do, and it's obviously something I need to work on letting go of. I'm a big believer in karma, but for this one, I'm having a lot of trouble just sitting back and letting it go with the certainty that what goes around comes around.

Sorry for the ramble, not even sure what kind of feedback I'm looking for here....mostly just venting. Thanks for listening.

On the note of wondering what his lessons are:

This is from Courage to Change p. 79 one of the Al Anon daily readers:

"Today I will be vigilant about minding my own business.

I know that when my thoughts begin with 'He should' or "She shouldn't' I am probably in trouble.

I don't have the answers for other people.

I don't make the rules for appropriate behavior, good business conduct, driver courtesy, or common sense.

I don't know what is best for others because I don't know the lessons their Higher Power is offering them.

I only know that if I'm caught up in what they should or should not do, I have lost my humility.

I have also ceased to pay attention to myself.

Nine times out of ten, I am focusing on someone else to avoid looking at something in my own life."

Wow.....thank you so much for this, shinebright. It really helps to put things into perspective. I'm going to print this out so I can refer back to it often.