Odd Day
 

Its a very odd contrasting day.

One one hand, I have my youngest brother (25) heading in a great new direction. He is trying to become an EMT & firefighter, he just left a draining relationship, he is studying and doing all the right things, he has his last big test tomorrow. He struggled with weed when he was younger (which is limiting his options with being a firefighter due to some charges when he was 18, luckily those become a non issue in a few years).

But I am so so proud of him and wish he lived closer so I could spend more time with him. He pretty much has had no guidance in his life, parents were just not there for him growing up so I am glad he is finding ways to move forward in not so positive surroundings.

Then on the other hand, my other brother (33), who previously had his life together, is off to court again today. He will likely find out if he is going to prison for his original charges or if they will give him another chance for screwing up his first probation attempt by using. I haven't spoken to him in weeks, so no clue where his head is at (he at least has respected my no contact request). I am hopeful that rather then prison he gets moved over to the drug courts which I think offer him some additional treatment options.....course, he still needs to want them, no clue if he is ready for that yet.

Just an odd day with seriously opposite feelings.

Debating on going to visit my AB in jail later this week, just to say hi and check in, make sure he knows he still has someone who cares about him (no one in our dysfunctional family has been in touch with him at all). He will either be moving to a halfway house later this month or going to prison. I still love him and want to see him succeed, I want at least to be someone he can chat with when he starts actively participating in his recovery, but just don't know where he is.

Decisions decisions.

Maybe I should instead just send a plane ticket for my youngest bro to come out and visit....that might be time and money better spent.

It sounds like things are going pretty good with them, actually. What about you?

I realized earlier this year that I frequently gauged my own happiness on how everyone else in my family is doing. I'd do a quick inventory of each person and their current state and if anything was wrong I was unhappy. If everything seemed okay with them I might be okay, but who knows. I wasn't that concerned with how I was really doing. My internal dialogue said "If only they would be okay, I could be okay." I didn't think I could ever be truly at peace because of their chaos. I was blaming them for my lack of peace, failing to take responsibility for my own emotions, 100% dependent upon the behavior of others for my own true happiness. And at any given time someone in our family is going through difficulties. And thanks to my Dad, inventory manager in chief, if there was a problem with anyone on the planet, even complete strangers, he would be sure to let me know about it. It's his primary focus, actually.

I now realize that there are other people in the family like me and I'm a key player in their internal happiness monitor. I never realized before that when I was going through difficulties, they are worried and sad. They were worried about me because I was worried about someone else. What a mess!!!

Maybe instead you should do something really good for yourself. That would absolutely be money well spent. With a big bonus: If anyone that loves you is like me and you, they will be ecstatic to hear that you are happy and having fun!

Actually I am doing pretty good, I am making a ton of progress in my adjusted boundaries with my family and friends.

This court date has been all that keyed up thinking about my brother. Oh, that and having to move his stuff around in the basement yesterday to accomodate some new workout gear. I was thinking "I wonder if he is going to prison and I can put these tubs in the back of the crawl space", lol. I can honestly say I have done pretty good with the no contact and not wasting energy worrying about him (until yesterday/today).

It feels more weird NOT worrying about my family like I was.

My sis is struggling with her 18 month marriage, and in the past I would have had my nose all up in that problem. This time, I had a recommendation for a therapist from my therapist, I passed that on and I answered a couple of her questions, but thats IT. I invited her and my mom to go hiking with me and my husband this weekend, but I didn't bring up her issues at all or offer gobs of advice like I used to. I just wanted to enjoy a hike with everyone and for a change thats all we did.

My young bro taking the test, I passed on a "good luck" note, but that was it. No advice, no fretting over his success, just Hi and I am proud of you. Thats huge for me, I used to be the queen of unsolicited advice.

My dad is in a new job. He tried to get me to help him do his new website for the job and I did VERY good at redirecting him to coworkers or to solving it himself rather then trying to dump it on me (I am like IT support to him sometimes). HUGE for me.

My husband is wanting to do some new workouts and diet plans, and since I am the homemaker with the free time, I have no problems helping him to some degree (like packing him a lunch and adjusting dinners to what he wants), but I made it clear that this was HIS change, and while I would help him he needed to own it. There have been times where I owned things like this WAY too much for him, which in turn came back to bite me in the arse.

So ME, I am doing better.

My only real difficulty is working on finding myself more. Not using everyone else to spend time and energy on puts things back on ME. What do I want? Who am I? What is my identity?

That is more what I am working on now, which seems as daunting as letting go was previously, lol :)

You sound great!

It is hard to focus on ourselves after years of not doing so. Feels a little weird.

Had a funny experience with Mom this weekend. We talked about brother #3 and his late night text messages to me. She called later and we had this discussion:

Mom: "What he wants is money, right?"
Me: "I think so."
Mom: "Well I had this great idea!!! I will tell him that if he can write 10 positive things about his childhood I will give him money!!!"
Me: "You can't make him think by paying him, Mom."
Mom: "I guess you are right, but if he can come up with ten things..."
Me: "If I write 10 things that were good about my childhood can I have the money?"
She just laughed and said "I get the point."

I never minded that my parents direct so much effort toward the boys, it's just not in my makeup to think like that usually. But this weekend I did find myself thinking "What about me? They get rewarded for being messed up and I get... zip" It's not feeling I want to hold onto at all, but I think it was healthy to think about myself for a minute.

It seems like getting rewarded or attention for doing things WELL is not as easy to come by.

My younger sis gets the attention, she has a bit of the baby mentality and my stepdad/mom pick up the slack a lot with her. She is getting better the last couple of years, becoming more independent. I used to take it more to heart, upset that my mom wasn't there for me during the couple events in my life where I really needed her, but I have accepted it and moved on especially in the last year.

Just wanted to update, I stayed no contact the last couple weeks.

He had two court dates, I did not go to them or visit afterwards, he never reached out.

According to the automated line at the jail he is 'scheduled' to be out this friday. The last I spoke to him over a month ago he thought he was getting a year in a halfway house for one charge, but he has had 2 court dates since plus he has another in mid may for violating his probation.

I guess the only thing that concerns me is that I have all his clothes and such in my basement. I wish I didn't have his stuff so I wouldn't have to deal with him at all when he gets out. Heck, I would almost be tempted to pay to put his stuff in storage up in the town he 'resides' in just so I don't have to see him. But alas, that woud probably create more complications then benefits.

So I suspect I will be getting a call later this week...bleh. I will see if he has ANY friends left that might be able to meet me halfway so I don't have to deal with him.