What if???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
What if???
I think my exbf found himself another woman. I am 99% sure he is not using drugs any longer (serial cheater, sex addict last time I think he used drugs was in August last year) but I do know he drinks moderately or maybe a lot. He seem to be happy with his new 'Angel" and he is even willing to learn how to fly so he wouldn’t lose her and its getting me a bit sad and depressed, don't get me wrong I don't want to get back with him but I can't believe it happened so fast we only broke up mid January. 
I have come a long way I know couple weeks ago this would have made me so much more sad and depressed but how can he want forever with her and want to change so much for her when I am the one that did everything for him and was always there for him? I am the one who shared that "special bond' with him when I was pregnant….blah blah blah. He is a serial cheater and what if she is the one he changes for? Errrrrrrrrr
I will keep her in my pray as any woman who walks into his life walks in an Angel and leaves evil women lol (thats what he reffers to me as, since I am out to ruin his perfect life)
I have come a long way I know couple weeks ago this would have made me so much more sad and depressed but how can he want forever with her and want to change so much for her when I am the one that did everything for him and was always there for him? I am the one who shared that "special bond' with him when I was pregnant….blah blah blah. He is a serial cheater and what if she is the one he changes for? Errrrrrrrrr
I will keep her in my pray as any woman who walks into his life walks in an Angel and leaves evil women lol (thats what he reffers to me as, since I am out to ruin his perfect life)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
We never know how other people are really living their lives. What is important is how we are living our own.
Cast his fate to the wind, Broken, and take special time this week to make your own life better...not through others but through your own soul. Read something that makes you wiser, do something that makes you laugh, walk in nature and notice the beauty that surrounds you, embrace that wonderful person called "you".
We don't need others to make us whole, we hold the key to our own happiness, we have all along.
Hugs
Cast his fate to the wind, Broken, and take special time this week to make your own life better...not through others but through your own soul. Read something that makes you wiser, do something that makes you laugh, walk in nature and notice the beauty that surrounds you, embrace that wonderful person called "you".
We don't need others to make us whole, we hold the key to our own happiness, we have all along.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 32
Hi,
I feel exactly like you do...I ask myself the same questions...what if he will change for his new Angel... It looks like it...but then I saw him drunk again and his doc is cocaine... someone told me the 2 things go together a lot. How did u feel when he was with you? did u feel he could change? The voice within me always said that he won't and here ppl say to trust our gut. Best wishes!
I feel exactly like you do...I ask myself the same questions...what if he will change for his new Angel... It looks like it...but then I saw him drunk again and his doc is cocaine... someone told me the 2 things go together a lot. How did u feel when he was with you? did u feel he could change? The voice within me always said that he won't and here ppl say to trust our gut. Best wishes!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I have been spending the last year trying to change ME, like many of us here. It's not always easy! I stumble, I fall, and i go backwards! Change is very hard, it's a process and a journey.
Do you really think he just magically changed without any hard work? Ha, I wish it was that easy. I have read books, been to meetings, seeing a therapist, reading here and I still struggle.
Many years ago, I remember a similar situation. Later, I asked my exbf why and how he treated her better. He looked me in the eyes and said "do you really think I was able to change thst easily and that I was any different with her? The only difference was I was worse."
A leopard doesn't change his spots just like that. It takes a lot of hard work to change.
P.S. Ann's advice is great!
Do you really think he just magically changed without any hard work? Ha, I wish it was that easy. I have read books, been to meetings, seeing a therapist, reading here and I still struggle.
Many years ago, I remember a similar situation. Later, I asked my exbf why and how he treated her better. He looked me in the eyes and said "do you really think I was able to change thst easily and that I was any different with her? The only difference was I was worse."
A leopard doesn't change his spots just like that. It takes a lot of hard work to change.
P.S. Ann's advice is great!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The thoughts you are having about your ex and his new girl is that little voice inside your head that is similar to the addict's little voice inside their head telling them "it'll be ok to do just a little (insert drug of choice)". It is an evil little voice that keeps you trapped in negative thinking processes.
You have absolutely no control over what is going on in his life. How tragic would it be if he did have a good solid relationship with his new "angel" and there you are......looking from the outside in, watching it unfold as your OWN life passes you by.
So.......what are you going to do for you today that will move you in a positive direction? How are you going to be kind and gentle with yourself? What are you going to read or listen to that will change your thought processes?
I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Breakups hurt. People move on. I hope you'll find the strength and courage to love you today. You deserve that love.
gentle hugs
ke
You have absolutely no control over what is going on in his life. How tragic would it be if he did have a good solid relationship with his new "angel" and there you are......looking from the outside in, watching it unfold as your OWN life passes you by.
So.......what are you going to do for you today that will move you in a positive direction? How are you going to be kind and gentle with yourself? What are you going to read or listen to that will change your thought processes?
I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Breakups hurt. People move on. I hope you'll find the strength and courage to love you today. You deserve that love.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
I have been spending the last year trying to change ME, like many of us here. It's not always easy! I stumble, I fall, and i go backwards! Change is very hard, it's a process and a journey.
Do you really think he just magically changed without any hard work? Ha, I wish it was that easy. I have read books, been to meetings, seeing a therapist, reading here and I still struggle.
Many years ago, I remember a similar situation. Later, I asked my exbf why and how he treated her better. He looked me in the eyes and said "do you really think I was able to change thst easily and that I was any different with her? The only difference was I was worse."
A leopard doesn't change his spots just like that. It takes a lot of hard work to change.
P.S. Ann's advice is great!
Do you really think he just magically changed without any hard work? Ha, I wish it was that easy. I have read books, been to meetings, seeing a therapist, reading here and I still struggle.
Many years ago, I remember a similar situation. Later, I asked my exbf why and how he treated her better. He looked me in the eyes and said "do you really think I was able to change thst easily and that I was any different with her? The only difference was I was worse."
A leopard doesn't change his spots just like that. It takes a lot of hard work to change.
P.S. Ann's advice is great!
I think what it comes down to is that we just want to know that it wasn't US that was the problem. Because if they change or are different with the next one, then it's like validation that it WAS us (at least in our own little codie minds!). And let's face it, most of us feel so bad about ourselves to begin with and blame ourselves for so much, that of course we try to blame ourselves for the relationship failing, rather than the fact that they are addicts and don't care about anything but their drug. As you said, a lot of hard work and dedication goes into changing ourselves and it certainly doesn't happen overnight. And the only thing an addict puts any hard work and dedication to is getting that drug. I appreciate your XBF's honesty and that he admitted he was actually worse with the next one. Definitely some food for thought....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I have an ex who treats his new girl like a princess. Why is he "so much better" ???
Simple
She hates to read books
She's not a christian
She likes horror movies instead of the theatre
She likes to play endless hours of video games
Many times our exes don't change at all
They simply find someone who is more compatable with them than we are ourselves, or in the case of addiction, someone who is willing to enable them when we are not.
Simple
She hates to read books
She's not a christian
She likes horror movies instead of the theatre
She likes to play endless hours of video games
Many times our exes don't change at all
They simply find someone who is more compatable with them than we are ourselves, or in the case of addiction, someone who is willing to enable them when we are not.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
What if? You wanted to quit smoking, eat healthier, and exercise daily? How hard would it be to make that commitment and then follow it for the rest of your life?
What if? At the same time you also wanted to change the way you speak? Something you’ve been doing since you were small.
What if? While quitting smoking, eating healthier, exercising daily, and using a different vocabulary…now you also want to change how you think about almost everything? Your outlook on life, how you deal with others, how you resolve conflict, and changing all your life skills?
This would be easy, right? Something you could do in a couple of months without help and without actually doing anything?
Now, do you really think he’s changed?
What if? At the same time you also wanted to change the way you speak? Something you’ve been doing since you were small.
What if? While quitting smoking, eating healthier, exercising daily, and using a different vocabulary…now you also want to change how you think about almost everything? Your outlook on life, how you deal with others, how you resolve conflict, and changing all your life skills?
This would be easy, right? Something you could do in a couple of months without help and without actually doing anything?
Now, do you really think he’s changed?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
but how can he want forever with her and want to change so much for her when I am the one that did everything for him and was always there for him?
this is where we look at OURSELVES, our intentions, our motives and our belief system surrounding relationships. if we truly "love" another, then we want what is best for them HOWEVER that plays out in their lives. NOT how WE will benefit. we either share of ourselves freely - or we put conditions on what we give. i will do THIS for you, but by golly YOU OWE ME. healthy relationships aren't like a job, where if you put in so many hours and perform so many tasks you will get "paid" at the end of the month. the stark truth is....nobody owes US a dang thing. people are free to take and take and take all that we offer and then walk away. that's their choice to make.
this is where we look at OURSELVES, our intentions, our motives and our belief system surrounding relationships. if we truly "love" another, then we want what is best for them HOWEVER that plays out in their lives. NOT how WE will benefit. we either share of ourselves freely - or we put conditions on what we give. i will do THIS for you, but by golly YOU OWE ME. healthy relationships aren't like a job, where if you put in so many hours and perform so many tasks you will get "paid" at the end of the month. the stark truth is....nobody owes US a dang thing. people are free to take and take and take all that we offer and then walk away. that's their choice to make.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
It's pretty much impossible, in my opinion.
But What if?
What if you two were just not meant to be together?
What if there is someone else out there that is right for you?
If someone else is able to make him into the person he is supposed to be (and I personally don't believe in this kind of thing, period) then that says absolutely nothing about you except that he was not meant for you.
Do you really want a relationship with a "fixer upper", like a house you bought on sale and had to renovate to make even halfway livable because you couldn't afford the real thing? Would you want someone to view you as a "fixer upper"? Would you want a relationship with someone that feels they have to fix you? Not me!!!
But What if?
What if you two were just not meant to be together?
What if there is someone else out there that is right for you?
If someone else is able to make him into the person he is supposed to be (and I personally don't believe in this kind of thing, period) then that says absolutely nothing about you except that he was not meant for you.
Do you really want a relationship with a "fixer upper", like a house you bought on sale and had to renovate to make even halfway livable because you couldn't afford the real thing? Would you want someone to view you as a "fixer upper"? Would you want a relationship with someone that feels they have to fix you? Not me!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
Mely, when I was with him I never left he would change but the last time I was with him after our first real breakup I though he changed but he really didn’t. My gut say he will make personal changes to benefits only himself but he will always hurt and use women.
LMN his sister said the same thing to me a tiger never changes his stripes. And I know for sure he thinks he doesn’t have a problem he thinks its all the women he meets that has the problems and that we his exs are all crazy. He will never seek help and he desperately needs it.
Lily I know what you are saying and I think you are right he just met someone who is probably just like him, wants more than one relationship at a time and after all he did find her on Craigslist lol no big surprise how she maybe..
Kindeyes: I actually will be very happy for him if he was in a happy normal relationship yes I would be jealous but happy for him, but I highly doubt he would find that type of happiness he just cant have one woman and be satisfied. But I also have been moving along this past weekend I went on a date with a normal healthy guy who has a great job brought his own new car and is really nice. I was and still am amazed there are some good guys out there. I also am still seeing my therapist and I am trying yoga and meditation this week.
Cynical one, welcome back missed you. And no I don't think he has or ever really will change at least not when it comes to his personal life so I will continue to hold this new girl in my pray because as I said she walked into his life and Angel and will leave a broken evil angel
LMN his sister said the same thing to me a tiger never changes his stripes. And I know for sure he thinks he doesn’t have a problem he thinks its all the women he meets that has the problems and that we his exs are all crazy. He will never seek help and he desperately needs it.
Lily I know what you are saying and I think you are right he just met someone who is probably just like him, wants more than one relationship at a time and after all he did find her on Craigslist lol no big surprise how she maybe..
Kindeyes: I actually will be very happy for him if he was in a happy normal relationship yes I would be jealous but happy for him, but I highly doubt he would find that type of happiness he just cant have one woman and be satisfied. But I also have been moving along this past weekend I went on a date with a normal healthy guy who has a great job brought his own new car and is really nice. I was and still am amazed there are some good guys out there. I also am still seeing my therapist and I am trying yoga and meditation this week.
Cynical one, welcome back missed you. And no I don't think he has or ever really will change at least not when it comes to his personal life so I will continue to hold this new girl in my pray because as I said she walked into his life and Angel and will leave a broken evil angel
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 30
Broken, I had the same thoughts this weekend about the What Ifs..I have felt much stronger over the last few months, but there are days where i just wonder. My ExABF works where I work, so I know he still has his nice job...he bought a new luxury car..going back to grad school...from the outside it looks like he's getting things together. But I'm just making an assumption. I have no idea how he is really doing, but does it or should it matter now....NO. Like cynical and others have said, it takes a lot of work to change and You and I have to remember why we are no longer with these men. Its about what did happen. We can't focus on the what ifs and how things could be. They are addicts and will have to spend the rest of their lives dealing with this.
I know its hard, believe me. You deserve a better guy, but at the same time Its alright to be single and just figure things out. Who cares if your ex has moved on, that should show you he isn't working on himself. He just brought someone else in his life that he thinks he can manipulate. You are a smart woman and it will be okay! I know how you feel. *hugs*
I know its hard, believe me. You deserve a better guy, but at the same time Its alright to be single and just figure things out. Who cares if your ex has moved on, that should show you he isn't working on himself. He just brought someone else in his life that he thinks he can manipulate. You are a smart woman and it will be okay! I know how you feel. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
A wise aunt of mine always use to say "What if,---- took a sh!t, -----and fell overboard, are you going to jump in after that, and swim in the sh!t?)
I am sorry that you are hurting, I've been there, done that.
PS. Previously a Jersey person (Bayonne), now Pa, taxes are so much more reasonable
PPS. Did you ever wonder why, no matter which way you try to escape NJ, you have to pay to get out, but not to get back in again? (lol)
I am sorry that you are hurting, I've been there, done that.
PS. Previously a Jersey person (Bayonne), now Pa, taxes are so much more reasonable
PPS. Did you ever wonder why, no matter which way you try to escape NJ, you have to pay to get out, but not to get back in again? (lol)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Often we are blinded to the fact that the frog we kiss and fall in love with never really changes into that prince our hearts want them to be.
Something I learned a long time ago, when you go into a relationship based on your perception of another person’s potential…..it’s a disaster waiting to happen.
If you can’t accept someone exactly as they are then you have no business being in a relationship with them.
Something I learned a long time ago, when you go into a relationship based on your perception of another person’s potential…..it’s a disaster waiting to happen.
If you can’t accept someone exactly as they are then you have no business being in a relationship with them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
Anvilhead,
You are right people can take as much from us as we allow them to and that exactly what my ex did took as much as he could from me and when I could give anymore moved on. But I did make the choice to stop giving which I am happy I did.
Hanna, someone had posted a pray here once and part of it said "I asked God for love and he gave me troubled people to help" I know I helped him in a way by showing him there is a reason God didn’t take his life when he tried to commit suicide in the past, I did show him love and made him see that there is goodness even in bad people so maybe you are right I did what I was supposed to do because I believe there is a reason our paths crossed each other. I am satisfied with all I did for him.
Amy, taxes are sooooo much higher here I hate it I guess we are welcoming all thoses who are willing to pay more taxes hahaha. And nope I am not willing to swim in the s**t anylonger
Atalose, you are right I was always trying to fix him to better suit me and that was unfair to him, I never could have been satisfied with who he really was.
You are right people can take as much from us as we allow them to and that exactly what my ex did took as much as he could from me and when I could give anymore moved on. But I did make the choice to stop giving which I am happy I did.
Hanna, someone had posted a pray here once and part of it said "I asked God for love and he gave me troubled people to help" I know I helped him in a way by showing him there is a reason God didn’t take his life when he tried to commit suicide in the past, I did show him love and made him see that there is goodness even in bad people so maybe you are right I did what I was supposed to do because I believe there is a reason our paths crossed each other. I am satisfied with all I did for him.
Amy, taxes are sooooo much higher here I hate it I guess we are welcoming all thoses who are willing to pay more taxes hahaha. And nope I am not willing to swim in the s**t anylonger
Atalose, you are right I was always trying to fix him to better suit me and that was unfair to him, I never could have been satisfied with who he really was.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: McLean VA
Posts: 93
My AB isn't treating his girlfriend any better than he did his xwife. In fact he's probably treating her worse.
Hard to hear and see but just think that one day you'll look back and say Wow, I'm so much further ahead in MY life because I moved on..
Hard to hear and see but just think that one day you'll look back and say Wow, I'm so much further ahead in MY life because I moved on..
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