shinebright7

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You are reading from One Day At A Time - January 13. page 13
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When will I realize that I need not permit the alcoholic's behavior to confuse my life and destroy my peace of mind?

When will I learn that there is no compulsion, in love or ethics, that forces me to accept humiliation, uncertainty, and despair?

Have I perhaps accepted it because I have a subconscious desire for martyrdom?

Do I secretly relish feeling sorry for myself and want sympathy from others?

Today's Reminder

I have a right to free myself from any situation that interferes with my having a decent life and pleasant experiences.

Every human being is entitled to live without fear, uncertainty, discomfort.

I should take a firm stand and hold fast to whatever decision I make, to help not only myself and my family, but the suffering alcoholic as well.

Constant wavering can only hinder me from breaking out of my present thinking patterns.

Quote

"God guide me to make the right decision and give me the fortitude to cling to it against all pressures and persuasions."

shinebright7

Reflecting on that reading:

Last night, immediately after telling my husband he had to pack up and go (which he did), I went straight to an Al Anon meeting where I proceeded to cry - a lot.

By the time it came around to my turn to share, I was feeling somewhat better and told everyone what was going on for me.

I told them that I made my husband leave because I just couldn't keep going on with the untreated disease even if my husband wasn't currently using. It was making me sick to do so, so I had to do something about it.

It was one of the biggest moments of standing up for myself that I've done in my entire life. Not only was it a big deal for my marriage and my program of healing, but it was also a big deal in the sense that this is the kind of clarity in advocating for myself that has been missing since I was 8 years old and didn't say no to my dad during some inappropriate moments.

So now it's starting to exist in my life - finally!

And that's a really good thing.

After the meeting one of the long-timers came up and said to read this page above about having a decent life.

I didn't read it until tonight, but wow!

What a beautiful thing for him to suggest that I read.

I like just sitting with that idea of my having a RIGHT to free myself from a situation that is not a pleasant experience.

Why on earth would I have to put up with that!? I deserve to feel good and have GOOD experiences.

So the question of martyrdom definitely resonates.

Also, in talking with another Al Anon friend I was realizing that by letting my husband stay and not be in treatment, I was not really doing him any favors either.

It was a form of enabling that I allowed him to be here, and just coast along trying to use his will power not to use while all his sick thinking was allowed to live on and affect both of us.

So by doing this for myself, and having him leave so that I can tend to my own issues and give myself the decent living space that I deserve...

It is also ultimately going to help him, too, as it suggests above, if I can stick to my decision to NOT let him live here unless he is working a strong recovery program and not waver or dilly dally and be wishy washy.

I need to be strong for myself first.

And as a by product that strength will support my husband in whatever he needs to experience too.

With that I'll pass. :-)

Ann

This struck home with me tonight. In my darkest days of codependency I soooo wanted this for my son. It never occurred to me that I too was entitled to have a life free of fear, sadness, and discomfort. I didn't even know HOW to live a life without fear, it was such an ingrained part of each day and night for me.

Today I don't let anyone or anything mess with my serenity. It took me years to find it, years to embrace it and I shall spend the rest of my life protecting it and treasuring it like a fine Ming vase.

Thanks for the reminder.

Hugs

LoveMeNow

Great post. Thank you for sharing!! Your recovery is shining so bright. How that light please, many of us are trailing behind you.

Anaya

Thanks for the share, shinebright. It is very helpful!

As quoted from your OP: Constant wavering can only hinder me from breaking out of my present thinking patterns.

That would be me currently, not as it relates to my AS but instead to a toxic work environment. Gotta keep moving forward, staying strong, and continuing to work on changing my thought process!

Anaya

Wonderful message. This provides inspirational motivation for me today.

lilyB2013

Ah- this part hit home with me. I went ahead and wrote it out, put it as my phone background, so I can read it everyday. Yes, I have a RIGHT to free myself if I'm unhappy. And I have a RIGHT to have pleasant experiences. I'm tired of being emotionally beat down into a submissive state where having fun- especially if it isn't with my AXBF- is a bad thing. I want to laugh with people again without feeling guilty!

shinebright7

Went to an Open AA meeting tonight and came out with more clarity about my decision to have my husband leave.

The reality is that he a substance abuse problem.

And I'm not going to live with someone who has an untreated substance abuse problem in the same way I'm not going to invite my friend over to watch a movie with me if she has the flu or is coughing her head off.

I don't want to get sick, so get yourself healthy and then we can enjoy the movie. Until then, you just can't come over. Sorry. Love you.

And to my husband, same message. Until you're healthy, you can't come over and live here. I can't afford to get sick(er). Sorry. And I love you.

So simple!

choner11

Is "One Day At A Time" a book? I would really benefit from reading it.

choner11

Very powerful, thank you

neferkamichael

Shinebright, you are FANTASTIC.