i refuse to enable, or is it ok to go for support?

Old 04-13-2013, 08:23 AM
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i refuse to enable, or is it ok to go for support?

hi, not sure if any of you are familiar with my situation.... my husband is an alcoholic and a drug addict and was released from rehab after 15 days because of insurance. hes been out a week....
his brother is having a birthday party today, and we are invited.... its basically family nothing too crazy but his brother smokes pot and of course there will be alcohol there.
I said Im not going, I just dont feel like it, we are going to church tomorrow and after getting up at 530 am to work everyday i just want one day to rest.

i also have an opinion that its too early for him to surround himself with these triggers he didnt even get to do the 30 days and he was scared to come out so hes in lala land if he thinks he can just surround himself with favortie past times and not wanna do it.
but thats not for me to say to him.

he says if im not going hes not going... im not trying to manipulate. his parents will be there .... i said you dont need me to go and he said yes i do your my wife and i could use your support. i dont know where the line is for support and enabling. he could be fine there and not drink or smoke but i could wake up tonight and have him not here. i am kind of numb and detached and just dont want to go. and i am 99 percent sure im not going to. i just dont want him to blame me for him not going to see his brother on his birthday. if they really cared they would put all that **** away and not drink either but no his brother will pass him a pipe . like what a smack in the face. and even if he didnt pass him a pipe or offer a drink, its what hes used to doing when visiting.... \\people places things.....
its a place and thing for me.,\and im not going. for my own sanity

anyone else ever deal with this stuff?
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:28 AM
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I haven't dealt with it, but just wanted to suggest a possible compromise. If your husband agrees, would you be willing to go with him for just 20 minutes?... just long enough to wish your BIL a happy birthday? Seems like you'd kill a lot of birds with one stone that way.
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:43 AM
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i just spoke with him and he says he isnt going, i just dont want him to resent me . i think that if he wants to go then he doesnt need me. just like when he wants to go get high or get drunk he doesnt need me.
im not going to go... it would be nice to compromise yes but ive done that in the past and he ended up drinking or smoking and im not going to be a part of that.
my opinion is why put yourself there if it may end up affecting your recovery.
im starting recovery myself. im codependent and have issues im trying to work on, and im trying to decide whats enabling (maybe going with him) or supporting (going with him because he wants me to be there for support)
im only on the first step and i have no idea where to begin, and going will complicate things for me i think in the long run. he is free to make a choice im not his mom im his wife lol
thanks for your reply
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:50 AM
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I like tjp's idea. Go for a bit, if it seems like a bad or uncomfortable situation , leave.
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:58 AM
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I don't do things that aren't fun.

The exception is if the thing earns me money or helps another person.

This won't help anyone, doesn't pay a dime and you surely will not have fun. Actually sounds like you will be miserable.

You don't need any excuse. He can go without you if he would like. You are not responsible for his choices and if you were he would never have picked up in the first place. You are responsible for your own happiness though and this will not contribute to it.

The boundary for me is I will not attend an event where substances that cause me discomfort are freely passed.

I only feel guilt when I allow it. (I did last night but quickly got over it.)
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Old 04-13-2013, 09:14 AM
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i just got to see him before he went to a meeting, and I said I will go with you if you want me to , i dont want you to resent me and he said he could care less about going, that he was going to go but i didnt want to so he isnt going.
and i dont want it to be my fault he doesnt go. just the way he keeps wording it like its my fault... but im sure HE KNOWS he can come and go as he damn well pleases with or without me like he always has, im thinking its just something thats going to be thrown in my face in the next rant he has.
but ive come to the conclusion that if he wanted to go he would and it never mattered before if i went so whatever.
im just going to take some time to pray to the higher power about it and let it be his will what happens today. it sure will be a miracle if i end up at my inlaws let me say that!! Im being happy doing my own things today I have spent too much of my life trying to do things that would make him happy or keep the peace just to have it go the total opposite of what i expected....
letting go and letting God, and keeping it simple is what comes to mind right now
thanks
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Old 04-13-2013, 10:24 AM
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Check your motives

If you don't want to go because YOU don't feel like it...that's taking care of you.

If you don't want to go because you are trying to control his using or not using...that would be codependent stinkin' thinkin'.

And you have to get real honest with yourself to distinguish the difference.
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Old 04-13-2013, 10:56 AM
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thank you for your thread I am in a similar situation about resuming going to karaoke.
I would love to go, but Im not sure if he should.

Cynical one is right. we have to check our motives.
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Old 04-13-2013, 11:05 AM
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That was and sometimes still is very difficult for me.....to be very honest with myself and check my motives. I realized how easy it was to lie to myself. I can be great with excuses, denial, justifications, minimizing and redefining pain.

Took a while but I figured out if fear or anxiety existed, I wasn't be honest with myself.
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Old 04-13-2013, 11:55 AM
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what you CAN control -- your own decision, go or not go.

what you CANNOT control - what HE does, if he goes, what he does where he goes, and how he feels about you going or not going.

if he can't handle going to see family, that's his problem. if he isn't going to go SEE his family, cuz you choose not to go, that's HIS problem.
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Old 04-13-2013, 12:34 PM
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im being honest with myself. i would rather go do something else. im just not interested in going there. his brother is a pervert asking if im "cumming " in texts
... Its just my decision i dont want to waste my time going when i can be doing something i would rather do. ive done enough trying to do things to make everyone else happy and its gotten me no where...
it IS his choice if he wants to go or not go, and I wont let it get to me if he throws it in my face later. we both know the truth,. if he wants to go he can i could never have any control over him coming and going so why would he aact like i had a say now. and if i did it would be do what you want.

@ Lily, I can relate with you. It hasnt happened yet, but I know there will be parties that I will actually want to go to with people I would like to be around, and he wouldnt be able to go to.... its like am I supposed to not go to friends or families parties because HE is an addict and alcoholic? Ive already isolated myself from friends and family because they like to drink socially and it would always end up bad with him. but honestly I miss those people I considered family.
how many times have i sacrificed my happiness to avoid a drunken night with him or having to keep an eye on his every move., i dont want to live like that. it hasnt been very effective to live that way!
to that I would say live and let live, because they will do what theyre going to do not matter what we do
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:27 AM
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His brother needs to know it isn't acceptable to talk to you like that. No way should you be subjected to that by anyone, even sicker because it's his brother.

How did your day go?
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Old 04-14-2013, 09:01 AM
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yesterday was ok i guess, not the way i wanted it to go but..
my 11 year old went to a friends for the night and i wanted to do something with the younger two..
so my husband says he wants to take a nap and maybe after that we could go somewhere together.
i understood , he helped a friend get into reehab the night before and didnt get home until 3 am or after....
so we waited, and it started getting late so i woke him up,
he wanted to take a shower, blah blah blah,,,
i get SO tired of waiting only to be dissapointed . the kids are the ones who lose out.
i ended up just taking the kids to the park while he was in the shower, he was bitching about somethin while i was leaving but WHATEVER.
waiting and waiting and waiting for him. for what, so we could have less time for the kids to have fun because he would have to hurry home and get to a meeting in an hour. screw that.
so thanks for asking how the day went it could have went worse. im just having my own issues come about TODAY....
which i will put in another post this is getting long
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