Even when caught in the act...
 

It's absolutely frustrating-- and I'm doing all I can to not let it get under my skin or ruin my beauty rest!

Make plans to go out... A boyfriend cancels, saying he's too sick, he's too tired, doesn't want to go. 15 minutes later I see him while driving away, up and ready, walking with purpose, towards downtown and no doubt towards his dealer. I knew he was waiting for me to leave the house so he'd be able to sneak away to get his drugs.

Confronting him? A slew of excuses. A sorry- a fake one I'm sure.

It's a terrible feeling knowing that no matter how many times I catch him in the act, he lies through his teeth and says its not true- that he's stopped, that I'm just overreacting and all of that.

I'm not sad right now, I'm angry! I'm tired of being talked to and threaded like a fool- when I know I'm a sane, smart person. He thinks he's pulling the wool over my eyes.

Sorry, I just needed to rant. I feel like whenever I handle with him and his tantrums I'm literally talking to a child, not a 27 year old man.

I am sorry you are dealing with so many lies. I have found that each lie pushed me a little bit closer to my personal bottom. One day, I just knew I had enough.

Are you looking after yourself and your own happiness as well? You are as important as he is.

Oh Lily, this reminds me so much how my son was. No matter how many times I "caught" him...the lies continued on and on. I would request an early cell phone bill, so I could "catch" him in a lie. I would make notes and test him later. I would follow him when he didn't know I was there and drive through bad neighbourhoods just to see if he was there. I was the Dick Tracy of codie detectives.

One day it ocurred to me...I KNEW he was an active addict, why did I expect things to be different just because I found "proof". The real proof was in how he acted all the time, how he lied and stole and made up stories of where he had been.

It's like catching someone robbing a bank with a gun...and they say they just found the gun on the floor and picked it up with some note next to it. We KNEW they were robbing the bank when they walked in with a mask and a gun...further proof was not required.

What I finally learned was that all this detective work was making ME sick. It didn't change him but it made my stomach whirl and my hands shake and my head hurt.

So I stopped. He continued using, but I stopped the entrapment and instead found myself a meeting for me, about me, and to help me. That was my turning point. That was when I learned to take better care of me and heal.

Sometimes we are so drawn by their lies and drama that we forget to take care of ourselves. We become as sick as they are. But it doesn't have to be that way. There is hope, there is help for us. We just need to reach out and find it.

Hugs

Very sorry about this.

Now that you know, what are you going to do?

deceiving ourselves
 

Lily, what is stopping you from leaving him?

I'm happy to say I'm getting better at this part. Every morning I read my books about overcoming codependence, I read new posts on the forum, I write in my journal, I think about getting better and what I can do in the day that would make me feel more in control of MY life... I can definitely see an improvement in myself. I'm better than I was last week, better than I was two weeks ago, and better than I was a month ago.

Ah- I'm definitely in this little curve right here-- or at least, coming to grips with it. It seems like such an easy concept (he's using! He's lying!)-- but in practice, this is such a hard pill to swallow.

Does me finding him in the act change anything? No, it doesn't. Does me going through his things and find something change anything? No, not at all. Even if there is nothing to be found, the trust is gone.

But I agree, I can't be letting it crawl under my skin. This is exactly where I am right now. I don't want to just shrug it off like its unimportant, but I do need to let it go.

To be honest, besides continue to better myself and to work on what I have going on, I don't think there's anything to be done. I have to keep repeating to myself that I can't change him- I can't!

Financials. I am currently employed but its not reliable enough to live on right now and hope to strike out on my own. I'm looking for another job and as soon as I get something more stable, I'm getting out.

He knows this is what's going to happen- its no surprise that we're broken up and I'm trying to escape this hell hole. We live under the same roof, but the detachment and separation grows every day. I suppose that's the silver lining.

I'll still be a hot mess when I move my final box out-- but I know in my heart that I'm moving in the right direction. That's what's keeping me going. That and being consciously aware EVERY DAY to work on my codependence and fight any urges I have with positive actions instead (write in journal, come here, go for a walk, read a book.)

Lily honey,
It's never us its always about them. I caught my ex cheating on me one to many times and I drove myself crazy gather all the proof even when one of the girls was on the phone with me and I was asking him about her, even when I showed him his emails he denied everything saying I am the crazy one. As Ann said it only make US sick to our stomach I had enough in January and walk away and thou I is hard financially ( I had to leave a good job I had recently gotten in DE to move back to Jersey and still I am unemployed but I am living with family and thou its not the best right now I am much happier)
Can't you stay with friends or family until you get on your feet? (I was suggest you read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. )

In your shoes I think I would just strive to stop making any plans that depend upon him. Not easy emotionally but it is something within reach even while living together.

This is something I'm definitely going to be doing more aggressively. It usually happens super naturally... "Let's go meet meet up with so-and-so at the park tomorrow." Then cancelled plans and I have to stop wondering why.


To be honest, the hardest part of all this living together through this breakup and detachment period is that I can't really be home... Because I don't want to see him and stress myself out. But if I'm out, I get slanderous text messages from him the entire time. I've learned to turn my phone off and stop responding- as much as I want to fight back and argue and prove him wrong. It doesn't solve ANYTHING!