Where I'm at today...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Where I'm at today...
Last night I was up until like 3:30 thinking about this mess of a situation I'm in with my husband.
And the reality that, sure...like Al Anon says, I can learn to be happy whether the addict is using or not...
But the truth is I don't want to live my life with an addict.
That is not what I signed up for. That is not what I have to tolerate.
There are plenty of women in Al Anon who are doing that...
And have been living with their untreated alcoholic for 30 years.
Whatever. You do what you gotta do, but that is not going to be ME i can tell you that much.
I have been married 9 months.
And it has been 9 months too long of dealing with the crap that comes along with an untreated addict.
Today I talked to my friend who is an Al Anon and is a dear family friend.
I got clearer and clearer as I heard myself talk and I heard her share her story that my husband is not going to get any better without being in SOME kind of recovery program to help him learn to COPE WITH LIFE.
If he goes untreated, his disease and sickness which is very much still alive in his thinking and the way he relates to the world even though he is not actively using, will continue to progress.
I have been finding happiness as a result of Al Anon, but there are certain elements of what I want in a marriage that aren't possible when my husband is an untreated addict.
It is just not enough that he is not using.
So.
I am considering -- and will take this into quiet time with myself after I'm dong posting here -- but I am leaning toward telling him that he has to leave tonight.
It is going to catch him totally off guard because he thinks he's being so good and not using.
He is working his job as best he can.
He is going to be shocked and hurt and lay a huge guilt trip on me and beg me not to make him go and tell me that he will start going to meetings again and all this stuff.
And it is not going to be enough.
I need to meditate and ask God for the strength to allow me to do this.
I will NOT become someone in Al Anon who is still dealing with the same old stuff after 30 years of marriage.
No.
I am a few years away from 40.
I've been married for less than a year.
And enough is enough.
This is what I'm thinking right now.
I am getting closer to really getting what I'm going to have to do if I want to give myself the life that I know I deserve.
There is a meeting that I can go to tonight if I am courageous enough to tell this to my husband when he comes home from work and I need support afterward.
I know I can come here to the forum and chat too. And I can call my friend I spoke to earlier.
Yikes.
It is scary. But the prospect of dealing with him for years on end not in treatment is scarier.
Time to go inside and be still.
...courage to change the things I can...
And the reality that, sure...like Al Anon says, I can learn to be happy whether the addict is using or not...
But the truth is I don't want to live my life with an addict.
That is not what I signed up for. That is not what I have to tolerate.
There are plenty of women in Al Anon who are doing that...
And have been living with their untreated alcoholic for 30 years.
Whatever. You do what you gotta do, but that is not going to be ME i can tell you that much.
I have been married 9 months.
And it has been 9 months too long of dealing with the crap that comes along with an untreated addict.
Today I talked to my friend who is an Al Anon and is a dear family friend.
I got clearer and clearer as I heard myself talk and I heard her share her story that my husband is not going to get any better without being in SOME kind of recovery program to help him learn to COPE WITH LIFE.
If he goes untreated, his disease and sickness which is very much still alive in his thinking and the way he relates to the world even though he is not actively using, will continue to progress.
I have been finding happiness as a result of Al Anon, but there are certain elements of what I want in a marriage that aren't possible when my husband is an untreated addict.
It is just not enough that he is not using.
So.
I am considering -- and will take this into quiet time with myself after I'm dong posting here -- but I am leaning toward telling him that he has to leave tonight.
It is going to catch him totally off guard because he thinks he's being so good and not using.
He is working his job as best he can.
He is going to be shocked and hurt and lay a huge guilt trip on me and beg me not to make him go and tell me that he will start going to meetings again and all this stuff.
And it is not going to be enough.
I need to meditate and ask God for the strength to allow me to do this.
I will NOT become someone in Al Anon who is still dealing with the same old stuff after 30 years of marriage.
No.
I am a few years away from 40.
I've been married for less than a year.
And enough is enough.
This is what I'm thinking right now.
I am getting closer to really getting what I'm going to have to do if I want to give myself the life that I know I deserve.
There is a meeting that I can go to tonight if I am courageous enough to tell this to my husband when he comes home from work and I need support afterward.
I know I can come here to the forum and chat too. And I can call my friend I spoke to earlier.
Yikes.
It is scary. But the prospect of dealing with him for years on end not in treatment is scarier.
Time to go inside and be still.
...courage to change the things I can...
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Big Decision.
Have heard some of those nearly same words coming out of MY mouth.
My (self pity) rant usually goes something like . . . "I asked God to send me a wife! So why did he send me an addict for a wife?"
Ponderous question . . . if I could have/would have dumped her at 9 months (that was BC -- Before Children) would I have? Probably not. I was still pretty much head-over-heels, then.
One caution I would offer is that (y)our 3:30 AM thinking is not always the best-and-the-brightest. Not saying anything big and bad about that, but I do not know that it is real smart to pull the trigger based on it.
But what actually caught my eye in your post is the amount him-this and him-that. If you are doing something for and about you . . . that seems odd to see that much in there.
I would suppose what you may later consider decent behavior is to insist that he do AA or you are gone. I know, I know, all the control stuff. And I agree with that, too. But viewing things from my side, sometimes running is easier than confronting a problem, so do not be chicken, and you do not need that guilt, later.
But I talk big for you. Hardest thing I recall lately was sending Mrs. Hammer to Rehab. Her sponsor wanted to a full-blown-ambush-intervention. Personally I could not do that much control on her -- just a respect and self-determination thing. In the end, I told her what was coming, and she ran around in circles looking for someone to tell her she did not have to go. Wound up going on her own, tail between her legs.
Not that things are now milk-and-cookies-and-sunshine. She was pretty much an @-hole heading out to rehab, and been that most of the time since back. On and off, up and down. Little over 100 days, back.
But like I say, we have kids, they understand what is going on, and all they came to me and asked me to hold things together. For the kids -- anything.
I too, look at the older folks in Alanon and wonder. Here is what my inner-demons say -- If dump Mrs. Hammer -- I could be done with Alanon.
But my sponsor knew his Mrs. for 60 years, married for 56, and they did AA/Alanon for the last 34. She died this last year. He misses her. A lot. Had he dumped her up front . . . he would have never had those 34 really good years.
Dunno. Your path is yours and mine is mine, theirs was/is theirs. Maybe try a Step 11 prayer. Following His Will and His Way. Not so much yours or my way.
Best to you.
Have heard some of those nearly same words coming out of MY mouth.
My (self pity) rant usually goes something like . . . "I asked God to send me a wife! So why did he send me an addict for a wife?"
Ponderous question . . . if I could have/would have dumped her at 9 months (that was BC -- Before Children) would I have? Probably not. I was still pretty much head-over-heels, then.
One caution I would offer is that (y)our 3:30 AM thinking is not always the best-and-the-brightest. Not saying anything big and bad about that, but I do not know that it is real smart to pull the trigger based on it.
But what actually caught my eye in your post is the amount him-this and him-that. If you are doing something for and about you . . . that seems odd to see that much in there.
I would suppose what you may later consider decent behavior is to insist that he do AA or you are gone. I know, I know, all the control stuff. And I agree with that, too. But viewing things from my side, sometimes running is easier than confronting a problem, so do not be chicken, and you do not need that guilt, later.
But I talk big for you. Hardest thing I recall lately was sending Mrs. Hammer to Rehab. Her sponsor wanted to a full-blown-ambush-intervention. Personally I could not do that much control on her -- just a respect and self-determination thing. In the end, I told her what was coming, and she ran around in circles looking for someone to tell her she did not have to go. Wound up going on her own, tail between her legs.
Not that things are now milk-and-cookies-and-sunshine. She was pretty much an @-hole heading out to rehab, and been that most of the time since back. On and off, up and down. Little over 100 days, back.
But like I say, we have kids, they understand what is going on, and all they came to me and asked me to hold things together. For the kids -- anything.
I too, look at the older folks in Alanon and wonder. Here is what my inner-demons say -- If dump Mrs. Hammer -- I could be done with Alanon.
But my sponsor knew his Mrs. for 60 years, married for 56, and they did AA/Alanon for the last 34. She died this last year. He misses her. A lot. Had he dumped her up front . . . he would have never had those 34 really good years.
Dunno. Your path is yours and mine is mine, theirs was/is theirs. Maybe try a Step 11 prayer. Following His Will and His Way. Not so much yours or my way.
Best to you.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Oh, I have been where you are at too. In fact, I have said much of the same words.
"I didn't sign up for this and This isn't the life I had envisioned."
Personally, I think it is almost impossible to get healthy while living with an active addict. But that is just my opinion. I started a thread on that very subject if you want to review it. Even if it was possible, it's not the kind of marriage I would want to have.
No matter what you chose, we will be here for you, to support you. God Bless.
"I didn't sign up for this and This isn't the life I had envisioned."
Personally, I think it is almost impossible to get healthy while living with an active addict. But that is just my opinion. I started a thread on that very subject if you want to review it. Even if it was possible, it's not the kind of marriage I would want to have.
No matter what you chose, we will be here for you, to support you. God Bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
He gets off work in 10 minutes and will be home shortly after that.
I sat in silence for a long while and I experienced greater and greater peace about having this discussion with him.
I am going to talk with him when he gets home.
It will be around 5:15 or 5:30 when we talk.
I plan on leaving at 7:30 for my Al Anon meeting.
So that's how long he will have to get ready because when I leave for my meeting, that's it. I will have his house key and he will need to go elsewhere.
I am feeling calm and less sick to my stomach.
Better now than after more and more benders.
I deserve to have a peaceful life and a partner who is mature and healthy.
Will share more later - no doubt!
I sat in silence for a long while and I experienced greater and greater peace about having this discussion with him.
I am going to talk with him when he gets home.
It will be around 5:15 or 5:30 when we talk.
I plan on leaving at 7:30 for my Al Anon meeting.
So that's how long he will have to get ready because when I leave for my meeting, that's it. I will have his house key and he will need to go elsewhere.
I am feeling calm and less sick to my stomach.
Better now than after more and more benders.
I deserve to have a peaceful life and a partner who is mature and healthy.
Will share more later - no doubt!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
He is gone.
I went to a meeting and cried and then felt a bit better.
Then got sad again on the way home that he would not be here to watch life of pi with me like we had planned on doing tonight when he came home from work.
Instead I kicked him out. Oy.
I feel like a terrible person.
To do that to someone who is so sensitive and vulnerable as it is.
But I had to for me so I can live without untreated addiction.
I deserve that.
I know I will be fine.
I felt so clear while it was happening. Just sticking to my stance about him having to go even when he tried to convince me out of it.
And then afterwards and now I melted down.
Ill feel better after food and rest and more meditation.
Thank you for checking in on me and giving me hugs and support everyone. Thank you. xo
Easy does it ...
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
I went to a meeting and cried and then felt a bit better.
Then got sad again on the way home that he would not be here to watch life of pi with me like we had planned on doing tonight when he came home from work.
Instead I kicked him out. Oy.
I feel like a terrible person.
To do that to someone who is so sensitive and vulnerable as it is.
But I had to for me so I can live without untreated addiction.
I deserve that.
I know I will be fine.
I felt so clear while it was happening. Just sticking to my stance about him having to go even when he tried to convince me out of it.
And then afterwards and now I melted down.
Ill feel better after food and rest and more meditation.
Thank you for checking in on me and giving me hugs and support everyone. Thank you. xo
Easy does it ...
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
So very proud of you, shinebright. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to do, but the fact that you did it shows that your recovery is REALLY working for you. Please eat something, get plenty of rest and continue taking care of YOU. We are all here for you. Sending great big (((((HUGS))))) your way.
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