shinebright7

I have been doing really really well IMO with all things related to my situation.

I am working my program like I would like him to work his (if he were.)

I am staying in my own business and not running around like a codie with her head cut off trying to do things for my husband and other people.

I am being as patient as I can with myself while I am going through some difficult health challenges.

I am encouraging my fellow Al Anoners when appropriate via phone or texting.

I am thinking about my program and taking it one day at a time...

But sometimes I just feel like I'm being naive and stupid sometimes.

Tonight I am experiencing body pain, I'm exhausted, I'm hungry (but don't want to eat because it exacerbates my pain) and yeah, I'm lonely too. So all those HALT things: Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.

Well, I guess I'm not really feeling angry actually...but it's definitely underneath things. I'm just not feeling it overtly right now.

So I just need to vent.

Before my husband came home, I remember being here and realizing that he is an active addict if he is not in recovery like AA or another program.

I got scared realizing that if he did not get into recovery that he was just going to do the same thing over again and the other shoe would eventually drop like it had all the other times.

So I told him I will not live with an active addict not in recovery.

He got scared and went to a few AA meetings while he was away.

Since he's been back (maybe a month?) he has gone to maybe 5 AA meetings.

Meanwhile I've gone to like 25 Al Anon meetings. (working it the way I would want him to, but not to one up him..just because that's how I need it with my meetings.)

He does not take an active roll in getting to meetings. He now goes only on Wed or Sunday when I go to this particular Al Anon meeting where he knows there's an AA one parallel.

Lately because I have been sick and we have another obligation on Sunday nights, we have not gotten to those meetings which means he goes to none.

Meanwhile, his minimum wage job has given him many more hours than usual, so he's working like crazy, which is great.

But my mind is starting to freak out about the fact that he is doing nothing for his recovery and other than being responsible and taking on more hours even though he doesn't like his job and resents the heck out of the fact that it's just minimum wage, he has not done much in the way of changing anything about himself since he's been back.

Granted, he has not been using. But this is normal for him considering our past. We could go for a month without him using, but right now he's too busy to have any down time in which to use something.

I have been sick in bed for a week and a half with internal pain so I have been no help in terms of money or housework. I have picked up a few things at the grocery store, maybe made a meal or two, but that's about it.

I'm starting to feel depressed from my own lack of activity and mind numb from distracting myself with games on my phone because of the pain I'm in and how sick I feel.

Tonight I feel discouraged. I don't see him doing anything beyond abstaining. But I can tell that his same sick thinking is in place. The thinking that makes him out to be a victim and everyone else is the bad guy and it's all about him.

This all about him thing is really mind blowing too. Wow.

It's like he can't even say you're welcome when I say thank you to him for bringing me. He just says Yeah.

It's like he didn't grow up with any role models encouraging him to be polite?

When we got together, these things did not stand out to me as anything. But in the context of addiction now, the whole thing makes me frustrated and annoyed.

Whatever.

I'm just bitching right now because I'm in pain, I'm tired, hungry, and lonely.

He is so immature. Like a teenage boy when it comes to sexual jokes or comments that people make innocently that could be taken as sexual innuendo. It's like REALLY? You really think it's THAT funny?

Ugh.

Sometimes I think I'm way to patient and understanding and accepting. Part of my codie crap.

Now I'm sad on top of all my other tired, hungry, lonely, pain stuff.

People may say well, it's great he's not using...

But I don't feel relieved about that. It's like this limbo time now where's not using but the using will eventually come -- but he doesn't get that because he doesn't get that he's really got an addiction problem. He thinks it's a behavior problem that he can stop with his will power. So that's what he's doing right now.

And sometimes I start to wonder -- geeze -- is he really an addict or is he just someone who has done a lot of drugs in his life?

I hate that I even start to doubt what I know is true which is that he's got a substance abuse problem. Period.

And he has admitted this to me when he was away and was coming off the bender. But he has forgotten it essentially now.

So he does not initiate AA meetings. He does not read the book they gave him. He probably thinks I'm fine with everything since I have not been bringing it up to him anymore. He knows that I'm still going to meetings so maybe he realizes that I'm not totally given up on the idea that he's an addict.

I toy with the idea in my head about talking to him and saying ya know I told you I can't live with an active addict who is not in recovery and I do not see you being in recovery so you need to leave.

And then I picture him saying, "I'm working my ass off at this stupid store just trying to make a few bucks so we can pay the rent and you're gonna get onto me about going to meetings? You've seen how I barely have time to do anything I just come home and eat and go to sleep. Can't you cut me some slack? I told you I'm not going to do anything stupid again and I haven't, so give me some credit okay?"

To which I would start feeling bad about giving him a hard time when he IS putting forth such an effort to help us make ends meet.

But that does not change the fact that he's doing nothing about his recovery and honestly I am scared about him eventually relapsing and using again because the pressure of whatever becomes to great for him.

He's not learning any life skills that will help him when his mom dies for example. Which he has told me many times is going to be like the end of the world for him and will make him want to run away to another state and just do tons of drugs.

So that's what we're looking at with him. Life is gonna happen at some point with his mom dying and he's already planning on the huge bender and how it's going to devastate him and he feels totally justified in doing that.

Bad things will happen and he has no coping skills other than to rush off into a drug and alcohol binge. And he DOES NOT SEE THIS tendency in him right now.

He does not get that addiction is progressive and that he will eventually use again.

So what is the point of what I'm doing here?

This is so sad for me to think about.

I do not want to be this story.

But I am.

Then I want to make excuses. He does not verbally attack me. He is funny. He is a great lover. He is doing his best to earn income given his felony on his record. He is patient. He is quiet. He is loyal. He does not use every day or even every month.

I should not complain -- when so many others have the addict experience in such a more in their face and dramatic way.

But then I say to myself this situation is ****** too! It's as if everything is totally fine -- until it's not. And who knows when that is going to be?

Who wants to live on the edge like that not knowing?

I have been doing it okay and focusing on me -- but I wonder how all my Al Anon work would support me in the moment when he uses again.

Maybe I would just calmly say, okay, you're using again. Or you used again. You can't stay here tonight. Pack your things up in the next 30 minutes and leave. Don't come back until you've been in a recovery program for at least 6 months.

But then there's THAT. How do I even know if he's in a recovery program or taking it seriously or any of it? The whole thing is just lame. I wish I weren't in this situation at all of dealing with an addict.

More and more tired here. More and more cranky. Blah.

Deep breath.

Need to just try to focus on going to sleep because it's not good for my health condition when I get overly tired and worn out and stressed.

What slogans can help me right now?

Keep it simple.

Yeah - just go to bed, sweetie.

Let go and Let God.

Yep. You can't figure all of this out right now. Especially while you're sick and so tired.

Praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

Yes. I will, thank you. God, you know best for me.

Loving myself.

Yes, and not beating myself for not being as clear with my boundaries as I could have been. Sometimes I'm just like a little school girl finding my way with these new things.

Thank you for reading and being here and letting me share my sleepless insanity...

Ann

Well, maybe once you start feeling a bit better you will at least get a night's sleep and some good nutrition taking care of the "hungry and tired" part of HALT. That will leave "angry and lonely" which only you can address.

Putting down the drink or drugs is just the start to recovery, healing and working on living a good life without them is recovery, whether they use a program to do this or just find a better way to live that brings happiness and joy to them.

Sometimes when the drink and drugs are gone, the "problem" remains. The issues we blamed on addiction may still be there.

This is where you will have to decide how you want to live for the rest of your life. Marriage counseling has helped many here, maybe see if it can help you too.

I hope your life gets better soon.

Hugs

EverHopeful721

Awww, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down right now, shinebright. Your sadness and disillusion is so evident in your words - my heart ached for you just reading them. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't. All I can say is that we're all here for you and praying for you. I hope that you are feeling much better soon, and maybe then you'll be able to deal with the other matters causing you concern right now. Hang in there, shinebright - sending you extra-huge (((((HUGS))))).

lilyB2013

Shinebright, I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. Everything you wrote is exactly what I'm experiencing right now. Every single thing.

I'm tired of people asking how I'm doing and all I can say is "exhausted." And like your A significant other, mine doesn't think he has an issue either. ("I stopped all ready- I don't need meetings.") At least there are some meetings yours has been to- I'm unsure if the times my A said he went, he even bothered.

But, I will say this is our burden together and something we both for sure have to work on- finding a motivation to keep us going for us. For me, school and the fact that I've dropped tons of $$$$ this semester for classes; I can't be blowing my own money away by not doing well. Making plans and-- even if I just want to sit home and weep, flake--- force myself to go out.

So remember with all of this, you're not alone at all. Everything you're experiencing, I'm going through the exact same, parallel pains. We can do this, though, and find our peace again.